A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks back my boyfriend of over a year told me he was going to see his ex girlfriend because her sister was unwell and she'd asked for support. Theyve been broken up approximately 2 and a half years. My boyfriend and his ex had a bad break up. He ended it and since then has refused to speak to her. Despite this she has sent him a number of texts as excuses as to why she would like to talk to him. He's never responded to any of these as he feels they are just an excuse. In addition they still have mutual friends and he is aware that she still wants him back and he has no interest in that. So when he told me he was going to see her (on the day i was going on holiday with friends) i was confused and upset and after a big discussion he agreed that it wasnt right for him to go. I never gave it any more thought until this weekend whilst we were away, when she was mentioned and i said im pleased you didnt go to see her and his response was that he had gone. I was incredibly hurt and angry, one because he knew how much i didnt want him to go which i thought was incredibly disrespectful and two because he had never told me. When i asked if that was the only time he had seen her, he said no and that a few days later they met up in a local pub for drinks. Following this she has sent him numerous texts asking to go for coffee or if she can pop round and hes made up excuses saying he has been busy so hasnt seen her since. On top of this whilst we were away she rang him this weekend just to catch up. I really dont know what to do. My boyfriends told me that hes going to have to speak with her and explain that she needs to back off but he has no intention of removing her from his life. He also told me that he hasnt told her that he has a girlfriend because it hasnt came up!He explained the going to see her as a misunderstanding and that he didnt realise we'd agreed for him not to go (which is him being incredibly ignorant or unfortunately lying). I love him a lot and he generally makes me incredibly happy and i dont want to break up with him. Ive told him what a huge problem this is for me and his response is that he'll tell me whenever she contacts him etc but thats not what i want, when ive asked him to stop seeing her he states that he wont be controlled. Im at a complete loss. He tells me he has no feelings towards her and i have nothing to be worried about. I keep going through stages one minute thinking that it'll be ok and the next im so upset at how insensitive he is being. Can anyone offer any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): That is why I have chosen to remain single. The older the men get the more baggage they bring into a relationship. Burn the baggage and drop him. You deserve better than that and there are good men out there that will treat you like the princess that you are.Female, anonymous, on (9 September 2014) below has given you sound advice. Move on from this one, dump him. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He is stringing you both along. He isn't worth 5 more minutes of your time.It's time to get out of this relationship. Stay single for a while...find yourself first...treat yourself to all the good things in life, whether a new hairstyle, a massage, new clothes. Do things for yourself.Then get back into the dating scene if you so desire.I don't have that desire to do so. That is my choice. I've been burned too many times by guys like yours. I finally opened my eyes and said enough.I am enjoying the single life less all the drama and turmoil that substandard men bring into one's life.You do the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Break up with him, dear. You know what? I have had my fair share of exes that never quite gave me the pedestal that I desired. Who always kept some sort of allegiance to an ex girlfriend or a friend that is a girl or an ex fling. Whatever. For a long time I put up with these dirtbags because there seems to be so many of them out there that I thought that was the best it would ever get. I figured all men lie, all men cheat so I should settle for a quasi romance in a quasi relationship and I allowed myself to get short changed time and time again.Until one day I just grew a back bone and said no way, three's a crowd, I'd rather be alone. Being single can get lonely but it's a hell of a lot less lonely than being with a cheater. (And yes, your boyfriend is cheating on you. This is not innocent. Don't play dumb.) That uneasiness that you feel in your gut, listen to it.I renounced all dirtbags and have since met the love of my life. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I cannot believe how good I have it. I no longer have to worry about other girls. An ex of my boyfriend's who he has periodically stayed in touch with, got in touch a few months ago, he showed me the email to make me at ease. He asked if it made me uncomfortable he would not respond. Even better he said he would respond and let her know about his relationship with me and how happy he is. He said he would even send her a picture. We laughed. He doesn't hide anything from me. He keeps his phone accessible at all times. Emails. Everything. I feel like I have access to every part of his life. He does this because he wants me to trust him and he wants to show me that he is trustworthy. He makes me feel so special, so loved and respected. He puts so much value in making me happy. If you are going to be in a relationship, that is the kind of guy you want. And they are a needle in a haystack. That's for sure. But this guy is not being honest with you and he is not treating you like you deserve. A guy who loves you won't find it to be an unreasonable demand to sever contact with an ex.What is there to work out? He is going to do whatever he wants because he does not want to be, ahem, "controlled." What that really means is he doesn't want to be committed. Read between the lines. Walk away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 Well being in touch with an ex is not a huge issue IF... everyone is above board and honest.
1. the big huge red flag for me is that he did not tell you and SHE does not know about you.
IF he had said he was going to see her, and you said fine, then he would have gone and you could have asked about it. As it is now, he's lying to BOTH OF YOU... NOT COOL.
that and that alone is my concern. I ALMOST forgot to tell my current husband that I was having lunch with my ex husband today. It's not a secret and I'm not hiding it... I always try to tell him in advance... his response was "have fun".
I will see the ex, we will have lunch, I will give him a piece of mail that I have for him, catch up on his stuff and he with mine... and that's it.
And when I get home I will tell my hubby without being prompted about the lunch.
TRANSPARENCY makes it easier to decide what to do.
Again the issues for you are not that he saw his ex but that he lied to you about it. (lies of omission are still lies) AND worse, that SHE does NOT know about you.
ONCE he says to her "I HAVE a girlfriend and WE are never ever ever getting back together" then my comfort level with him seeing her would increase.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): I would contact this girl yourself without his knowledge and explain that you are in a relationship, say you are fine with their friendship but it seems abit full on at the moment. I'd do it immeadiately.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2014):
 This is one of those situations, where you wonder why he stayed in touch with her at all.
He claims he refused to talk to her, but still "allowed" her to text him, that seems just a tad odd, honestly, IF he totally ignored her, they had a bad break up why would she pursue him so dodgedly? He might not have gotten into long chats but I think he WAS in contact with her. And then they go from one-sided (her texting him only) to being text-buddies all of a sudden? Because her sister is sick? I call BS on that. And funny enough, the "visit" that he promised to to go on happened as YOU were going on vacation?
There is being "friendly" with an ex, which I can see being OK if there was a BIG drama or bad break up - but when it was a relationship that ended badly, why the contact? It make no sense because no one needs "friends" like that. He could JUSt have blocked her number. Easy as pie.
I have to agree with Wise and Aiden too.
He hasn't TOLD her about you? Why not? Because the subject didn't come up? That is the lamest excuse ever. Just because SHE hasn't ASKED him directly are you dating someone, doesn't mean, HE can't be proud of his new GF or bring it up. He didn't bring it up because he didn't want to rock the boat with the ex.
Sorry, I would not be OK with this at all. If the roles were reversed and you had LIED about talking to an ex bf behind his back he wouldn't tolerate it either, want to bet?
Personally, I would NOT tell him he can't see her. Because that is obviously making him act like a 5 year old and I don't really believe that people in a relationship can decide whom their partner can talk to, and whom they can't. I DO think that people who are in a relationship OUGHT to have enough common sense and respect for their partners, to leave the drama of certain exes in the past. Because there RARELY is a good reason to try and stay friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): Not many women would like or tolerate this. He should be more concerned over your feelings than an ex who he claims he has no feelings for. If a man I was with told me they had no intentions of removing an ex from his life, I'd remove myself from his.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 September 2014):
 I think he is a cad and old enough to know better.
This is no accident that he just happens to be reconnecting with the ex. She is persisting in bombarding him with "I need you, really really need you" messages and I guess that massages his ego.
I am guessing that she knows he is in a relationship but wants to drive a wedge between you and him.
If it were me I would say that he is welcome to her.
WiseOwlE has successfully summarised all that I would want to ask.
Your boyfriend is lying to you and has been lying to you over this and I think his respect for you is ebbing away.
And if he breaks up with her and comes back to you begging forgiveness I think I would turn my back on him, if faced with the same situation.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (8 September 2014):
 I agree with the previous two posters (WiseOwlE and Aidan). They do have valid points. However, I have a feeling you are not going to break up with him based on this incident.
Here is my two cents. If this happened to me, I will choose to allow my boyfriend to go visit his ex's sister and catch up with his ex. I won't have a problem with them being friends. With that said, I would ask him to bring me along on one of the visits to his ex's sister or evening outs with his ex. I would tell him to introduce me to his ex, let her know that you are his girlfriend.
To me, I feel it's OK to keep exes in your life and stay friends. However, you must always keep your significant other in the loop and always invite them to meet ups with your ex... they don't always need to accompany you, but the invitation should always be there. Be open and honest with each other, then there shouldn't be a problem.
Give him the benefit of the doubt on this incident, but let him know that going forward, you'd like for him to include you when he goes to visit her sister or have drinks with her.
Best of luck! Remember trust and communication is key!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 September 2014):
I’m afraid this won’t be okay, firstly because he can’t respect your boundaries, and doesn’t seem bothered that his continued closeness with the ex bothers you, as it would many people. Secondly, he’s dishonest. He’s lying both to you and her. You’re upset that he keeps up contact yet he won’t give it up for you. You said she wants him back, how hurt is she going to feel when she finds out he’s got a girlfriend who he apparently wants to stay with? It never came up? For goodness sake! It’s the sort of thing he should bring up then! He says he won’t give up contact with her, but why? What’s the problem with wishing her well and moving on? Maybe he isn’t cheating or anything like that, but he doesn’t think enough of you to make sacrifices for your relationship. And a bit of distance from the ex is a pretty reasonable thing of a new partner to expect him to sacrifice. He doesn’t think enough of you to tell you the truth, to respect your wishes, or to assure you, rather than blame you for apparently unreasonable insecurity. You mightn’t want to hear this but if alarm bells aren’t ringing loudly, and red flags aren’t staring you in the face, they really should be. He’s not committed enough to this relationship and I would get out now if I were you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): (1)Why didn't he tell his ex he has a girlfriend?
(2)Why would he tell you he wasn't going, then when you leave; he goes anyway?
(3)If they broke up on bad terms, what do they have so much to talk about?
(4)Why are they all of a sudden on big talking terms?
(5)Again, why didn't he tell her he has a girlfriend?
(6)How would he feel if everything you described he did went on between you and an ex-boyfriend?
His credibility is shot to hell!!!
You have no clue what transpired after they "went out for drinks." Sounds like a date to me! He knows she wants him back and would do anything. He placed himself in the way of temptation; and alcohol is a good way to loosen-up. Even if nothing happened. There's no way you can trust him if he lied to her by omission about the fact he has a girlfriend...for over a year!!! He told you he wasn't going.
Then arrogantly dismissed your concerns about it. Oh no he didn't?!!!
Because he has every intention of keeping her in his life and more. He is being sneaky, and he isn't being upfront and honest with you. If it wasn't for the questions I posed to you, I'd say you were overreacting. I think he's being sly and you are by no means being "controlling."
Well, it doesn't sit well with you and he says he doesn't want her out of his life. So that's that.
That leaves it up to you to decide if you still want him in your life. Do you mind sharing?
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A
female
reader, Amiye +, writes (8 September 2014):
This seems like a guy who wants to have it all. You are well in your right to not want him to see his ex and to be honest I can't quite understand why he would if they haven't been together for over 2 years. Express your concerns again and this time explain that you would appreciate him telling his ex he has a girlfriend whom he has been with for over a year. If he refuses then it's time to rethink, if he doesn't want his ex to know about you then it seems he wants to continue having drinks with her etc. Good luck and do what's right for you, just don't let him make a fool of you your better then that!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 It's entirely possible that he is mature enough to be able to handle this situation with no problems, However, it does appear that his ex can't 'get over' the breakup and istrying to find a way for them to reunite. I see fault in her actions but I don't see yet where the bf has done anything wrong(a little niave maybe) but not wrong. If he sees the situation for what it is and just wants to get it over with then more power to him but if he is blind to her 'come-hither' setup, then he's gonna get stung and you'll br the one to get hurt. Good Luck.
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