A
female
age
30-35,
*izz.butterflies
writes:Dear agony aunts,I am posting my question and asking for your advice.I've been with this guy for almost a year now and although we had ups and downs I never felt like posting for advice. This time my instinct tells me things are different.Background Info :We met last year in Sept at a bar. He's an international student here, been in this country for 5 years now. Although we met in the same city, since i had graduated from college I was going to move back to my hometown ( 3 hours away). That didn't stop us from seeing each other. We never even had a conversation about it. I was staying at my friends place, then he asked me to stay at his (he lives with flatmate)... In Feb I got a job offer in my hometown so I moved permanently there... He would still come see me, surprise me, I would go to the city on the weekends, etc. The summer was tough for us, as he had his exam period along with the month of Ramadan (muslim holiday)... He abstained from sex. I was prepared for it as I've been with one more muslim guy. But my boyfriend chose to abstain even before Ramadan started. One weekend he treated me to a nice holiday on the beach where we made passionate love, next weekend he didnt touch me at all. I decided to be patient until Ramadan is over... Then we went on a 20 day vacation. I had an amazing time with him. We had 1-2 fights during 20 days, and managed to keep it together. We had tons of fun doing every bit of activity out there.... he took care of me when I got sick etc. So to cut a long story short, his money finished. He gets a monthly scholarship from his home country which is equivalent to a good monthly salary. He doesnt have to work to support himself. he paid for a lot of things on our vacation including hotel, flights, dinners etc. I also contributed. Anyway, his money finished one day before the vacation was over. I happily paid for things. We went back to the city and I could have gone back to my hometown but I didnt. I decided to stay in the city and support him until his money arrived. He started studying for the exams, I would go see some friends and chill in the apartment. His flatmate was mostly over at his gfs place. My bf started getting stressed. My period had also not come and that added to the stress. I stayed with him for 9 days... we hadnt had sex during the last 5. He had an erection but was stopping himself everytime. I said to him in a sweet tone that sex is relaxing and what he does isnt gonna help him much. But I didnt stress the point. I just cuddled him everytime and went to sleep. Or he rubbed me one time and made my cum but nothing after that.So, two incidents occured :1) We were with friends in the city. All of a sudden he goes ' Im gonna leave in a bit' that was around 1 am. My response was 'ok ill come with you'. When we went out of the place I calmly said to him I didnt like the way he said that at the table. he didnt address me at all ( baby, sweety etc) nor he asked what I was going to do. He started getting mad saying he didnt wanna pressure me, if i wanted to stay I could, he just did that for me...and that everything annoys me. I said ok calm down don't shout..He's like I am not shouting! and went on to shout more. He got out of hand. I didnt say anything as we were walking towards the subway. So, we went home and slept on the same bed without a word. When I woke up the next day I saw him come to the room and call me in a cute name, then took me by the hand and asked me to wash my face and come to the dining room. He had prepared dinner, lit candles and played music. i followed his lead without saying much. When we had almost finished our meal, we talked about what happened. He said 'I forgive you and I also want you to know I am sorry for shouting last night' I was like u forgive me?huh? he said 'yes I mean I dont have any harsh feelings towards u' i asked him what got him so mad. he said he didnt like the fact I didnt thank him for paying for my drink ( I always says thank you for every little thing he does) and i couldnt wait to address the issue... he would of appreciated it if I first mentioned something nice and then proceed to castigate him. I replied 'ok so u didnt like the way I handled it, but you reacted the same way... You didnt like something that I did but then went out of hand'..So i suggested a way to deal with anger... i said when ur angry please remember I always care about you...If u get upset just tell me u dont wanna discuss this right now and Ill respect it..or walk away instead of shouting. he agreed to it. A day later I did the pregnancy test and to our relief I wasnt pregnant. I spoke to my friend about his stress and she told me to give him a massage and relax him. I was about to do that after I would go home from an outing . During the outing my period came and since he texted me I told him that so he could be more relieved.I went home and a surprise awaited me. He had cleaned the living room, lit candles, decorated the room and put our photos from the vacation on the tv to watch. He said ' I wanted tonight to be special but since you told me your period came I wanted to give you a massage and rub your feet and make you relax' .. he did exactly that. He massaged my belly and my legs, and when I asked him to do some things again he did them happily. We went to sleep.Incident 2the next day we woke up and he had to start studying again. i stayed indoors watching movies, since i was on my period i didnt feel like doing much. around 11 pm we were hungry again so he asked me what I feel like eating. He suggested pasta. So he went to the store to get some passata and tuna.... and since he doesnt have a proper stove , it takes longer to cook. I suggested he goes back to studying and Ill take care of the cooking. He said no since he started hell finish it. then he was asking questions about how much time the pasta needs to boil etc ( he is a great cook , more familiar with ethnic food although hes cooked italian before) so since he asked for my advice I also told him to mix the pasta with the sauce. He said he preferred not to. Then he rinsed off the oil from the tuna...and made a statement about how its better that way. I said I cook the tuna with the oil first then add the sauce. He said its unhealthy. I replied how can olive oil be unhealthy? he was like oh i thought u were talking about the tuna oil. anyways small things like that went on, and i finally said very calmly and kind of jokingly ' whatever I suggest, you don't like'... He goes 'its better that u go to the living room... ur talkign shit and starting shit' i said whaa? I talk shit?Ok... I left and went to the living room where I bursted into tears. I couldnt believe he snapped at me for something so little. I dried my tears and he arrived in the room with plates in hand. I wasnt looking at him. Finally I said ' dont talk to me like this ever again' ...Instead of apologizing, he snapped again! He threw a plate on the table and broke it and then procceeded to kick a chair towards the back of the room... stomped his feet on the floor like a baby and was like ' if u wanna eat , shut up and eat ! I dont have time for this shit, I have to study!' I was completely flabbergasted. he slammed the living room door and then left the apartment. I was in utter shock and just put on a movie to watch. An hour later I heard him come home. He went to the bedroom and slept. His book and food were with me.... I also went to sleep and had a very hard time falling asleep. I woke up a few times. So the next day I had to leave to go back to my hometown as I would start work. He already knew this. Around 1 pm I went into the bedroom to find him asleep on the bed with a towel on his head. He usually does this cause he doesnt like the sunlight. I dont know if he heard me and pretend to be asleep or if he was really sleeping. I packed my suitcases and left his place. That happened last Sunday.So, it's been a week and a day and I never heard from him. Today he posted a pic of his book on facebook adding 'feeling tired'. His exam will be over in 3 weeks probably.he obviously was stressed due to money, potential pregnancy and exams but there is no excuse for his behavior. I was also under stress due to potential pregnancy and period but didnt have that outburst. What strikes me more is his strong egotism. He could have texted 'im sorry for hurting you, i cant discuss this right now, please wait until my exams are over'... not even that.I feel like Ive put up with a lot of things... I didnt say anything about his abstinence from sex for religious reasons, I was patient. In April, 2 months into my job which required international travel I suggested I quit and move to the city with him. He said he cant take up on such a responsibility since hes still a student. I told him I dont expect him to pay for everything. I can also find a job in the city. In the end, nothing was done. I'm also shocked at the fact he was getting so much money all these years and hasnt saved a penny. he doesnt drink alcohol, he doesnt travel a lot.. its just bad management. he can buy something then misplace it then buy it again etc.My friends tell me during our summer vacation we should have a talk and see what we're gonna do from now on. My bf has at least 3 years before he graduates. He told my sister he has plans to move to germany after that and take me with him. We also talked about a wedding and how he wants a big traditional wedding. He is inexperienced in relationships. He had a serious platonic relationship back in his home country and ever since just had one night stands. I am his first serious relationship in this country. Besides the religious and cultural differences we manage to have a great time together. Such a great time that it didnt even occur to me to have a serious talk about moving in together while we were on a holiday.My uncle who loves me and has met him before, told me if he doesnt call me hes going to phone him and have a conversation with him. He tells me not to drop my ego because I didnt do anytning wrong and everytime I am the one who's sweet and tries to find a middle ground.I don't feel like contacting him. Yes I do miss him but I can't let him hurt my feelings like this. I now have an ego too. I could have cursed him out, yelled, do a whole bunch of things when the incidents occured but I stayed quiet and asked him to calm down.I wanted to move in with him as I already stated in March but now that I see he doesnt take care of his finances I am not sure anymore(he should of saved up all these years- considering his home country is at civil war and everything can change within minutes). I feel he fails to understand that an LDR, no matter the sacrifices cannot go on forever. He should be asking me to drop my job in my hometown and find something in the city instead.Other factsin January I stayed with him for an entire month that he had exams. I helped him study and we had no fights at all. His flatmate is a very nice guy, he has told my bf ' i could see this girl is different. u truly care for her'So, whats your opinion? Should my uncle call my bf? My bf has previously stated that our culture is not big on family bonding..whereas in his country they put family first. He should understand I have my back covered by my family and that he cant just mess around because I am not from the East. What should my uncle tell him? I dont wanna lose him as I fell in love with this guy, we have a great time together, we cook, go out, dance, the sex is the best I ever had... but then again I can no longer compromise my dreams . I am at a point in my life where I want to live with my boyfriend, have a pet, and enjoy everyday life together.Also, although its been a year, we havent exchanged 'I love you's. i told him im in love with him, and some weeks later when I had paid him a visit a little before ramadan, he had tears in his eyes saying sex is a sin and although he has a super perfect time with me he can no longer be doing this... I looked in his eyes and said ' Are u in love with me?' he said 'Yes I am but I cant abandon my religion' i replied 'im not asking u to do that. together we will face this my love' and then the bus left... After Ramadan was over, as I pointed out we started having sex again on our vacation without him mentioning anything about it.Sorry if this post was way too lengthy, I try to include little details for you to reach a better understanding and try and provide a good answer.Thanks!So dramatic haha
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erection, facebook, fell in love, flatmate, his ex, money, muslim, my ex, one night stand, period, pregnancy test, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 In other words,- you wanted us to answer a question taking it totally out of its context, while the context is often very relevant and in this case more so.
Of course most of educated Muslim people ( he is a student ! ) in Europe or USA live exactly as, or 90% , as their European or American peers. There's a small die hard rigourously observant Muslim minority, who make zero allowances for the fact of being guests in another culture- all the rest, as it is normal and intelligent , does. IF - out of that specific context , location and circumstances, the new habits will stick and will still represent them, .. it's all to be seen ( in fact, it is seldom seen,- because it does not happen ) and I surely do not regret having drawn your attention on that, in case it had escaped your notice.
Also, it seems one of the main causes of strife and tension between you , is not the recipe for tuna sauce spaghetti, but you eagerness to have sex, when he told you , time and again , that this is a sin against his religion, i.e. sort of a big,big deal to him. Your answer " if you are in love me, it will all be Ok ", can't be but somewhat ineffective , because it's really not a matter of love as we see it in the Western world, but a matter of allegiance to a different religion , and a different code of ethics- and maybe if you'd think a bit less superficially about that, your communication would improve.
Anyway , to answer strictly and solely to your question : no, you should not have your uncle call him. Neither friendly nor aggressively nor anything. How would you feel if the uncle of a bf of yours called you to say , e.g., " don't talk back to my nephew " ?... You'd think they are looney, or you'd laugh them in their face.
You uncle should not be involved in personal business that you can and should handle by yourself, whether the Bf is Muslim, Christian, Hindu etc.etc.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): Wow! What can I say to you guys? My post wasnt about whether I should stay or not with a muslim guy or whether religion is a key factor in a relationship.
My question was related to the argument I had with my boyfriend and how, for the first time, we havent talked in over a week.
I'm in my hometown now and he's in the city taking exams, which will end in late Sept.
I dont think he'll make any move towards me right now while he's stressed.
Should I wait until the exams are over? Should I text now? And say what? I feel he took it too far with the way he reacted in incident 2, and didnt even text me AT ALL. Obviously we need to meet in person to talk about the argument and I should finally address the things I want to change in our relationship (for example moving in together). I dont think its possible to meet before Sept. 27
My uncle would call him to talk to him in a friendly manner. not threaten him.
@WiseOwelE I am not from/in the USA. I live in a european country. As for my bf, he's a totally normal guy. You tried to portray him as if he does nothing but pray all day. He goes out for coffees/cocktails (no alcohol), movies,clubbing,plays soccer, is part of a hip hop / latin dance group, reads books, goes out to eat etc
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 September 2014):
 If your uncle has a brain he'll stay out of your business. If and your boyfrend give it any thought, you might want to break up before someone gets hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): Your relationships is none of your uncle's business.
What could he possibly say that has any relevance? Your father would have more right to intercede; if he felt you were being abused, or he felt there was need to offer his blessing and advice toward your marital plans. Unless your father is absent from your life, and your uncle acts on his behalf as your guardian; your uncle should not say anything.
He can offer friendly fatherly advice; but your boyfriend doesn't have to listen to it. If he's taking sides; he is overstepping. I understand him being protective; but it seems more like you're calling in the bulldogs for the purpose of intimidation. Excuse me, if I'm wrong.
If I was in your boyfriend's shoes, and your uncle called; I'd believe you were sicking the dogs on me. If your uncle offers anything other than what I suggested above; I would politely tell your uncle to mind his own business. His opinions would be totally biased.
I read your post entirely and carefully. I see a lot of pettiness on your part. I do agree that he may have overreacted; but not without provocation. Angrily tossing things and kicking things is too aggressive. Not excusable.
Stupid, in fact.
However; you're constantly trying to tell him how he should react and behave; as if you're talking to a child. That is very condescending. You also overreact with the tears and pouting. You're touchy, then used your period as the reason.
Well, that only added to his irritation.
You also imply he must walk on eggshells around you. When someone gets pissed off, they're pissed off. You act as if he doesn't have a right to get angry, unless you say so. You can deny that, but I read your post carefully enough to see just that. You can't accuse him of being over-reactive when you're equally hypersensitive to his anger. You were picking at his nerves, while he was stressed out; then turnaround and became a victim every-time he was upset.
When you crowd two stressed-out people together, it's like striking two flints together. You get a spark or a fire.
Both of you are immature. If you disagree, read your own post. It's tit for tat, and a lot of "why are you picking on me" going on between the both of you. Excuse me, just because he's a guy doesn't mean he doesn't have a right to get angry at you. Nor do you have a right to decide what he should be angry about. That's dictatorial and controlling.
You are not going to adjust well to the Muslim life. He has made it clear he lives by his faith. That means you would be his property and subordinate as his wife. You will have to meet his family, whom will not accept you unless you convert. They will be polite to your face, but not behind your back. They will be ashamed to their Muslim neighbors and extended family.
You see everything on the surface. You have no idea what is going on beyond your relationship; and it is unlikely that he will marry you as he says. Not without a lot of adjustments on your part. Think I'm wrong? Wait and see.
My brother-in-law is Iranian. He converted from Muslim to Christian years ago. He has been an American citizen for more than 30 years. My sister never set foot in Iran. I know her reasons. His mother stayed in Iran, but passed on years ago. All four of his siblings are Canadian citizens.
They never visit Iran, their family comes here to visit.
You're both very intelligent and good people. I think there are a lot of cultural differences you'll need to iron-out before seriously considering marriage. You do have a right to let a guy know you will not tolerate his shouting at you. Don't provoke someone; then shrink and act as if they've attacked you, and you're some victim. I see a pattern. No one I know whispers in anger!!!
You do have a right to insist he treat you with respect and equality. You don't have a right to tell anyone when and how to express their anger or emotions. Just because YOU think what you've said or done is no big deal. That is being presumptuous towards another person's feelings. They may think otherwise; and have a right to express it. If he stands up to you, you act as if he is bullying you. That's not fair-play. It's passive-aggressive manipulation.
If you do marry, you would be better off remaining in the United States. That is, if you are a citizen of this country. People often use the American flag to signify their country of origin above their posts; but Americans don't normally use the term "flatmate."
If you remain in the States and marry this man, you will stand a better chance of not being forced to convert, or being forced to live according to the laws of his Muslim religion. You will have your family available to protect you and support you, if things do get out of hand. I don't deny that he may have a temper and suppressing it only because he knows getting in trouble could get him deported. I can't dismiss your concerns about his temper. You're closer to him, and have first-hand knowledge of how high his temper flares. So forgive me if I implied that I would know him better than you do. I just have to address both sides of your issue fairly.
If you marry and return to his country with him. You will be living under a whole new set of laws and rules; and nothing your uncle or anyone else can say will change that. His student visas and stipends will run-out when he has ended his academic career; and he will be faced to return to his country of origin. Even if he moved to Germany, he will eventually have to return to his country; unless he applies for citizenship elsewhere. Do bear these things in mind.
Unless your uncle has a well-prepared speech that doesn't include threats or ultimatums, he really has no right to talk to him. Why can't your father handle it? Does your father (or do your parents) have some objection to you dating your Muslim boyfriend? They have more rights to get into your business than your uncle. Unless your uncle is an Imam.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 September 2014):
The tiffs between you , IMO, have little or nothing to do with him being a Muslim ( although, it is true that even the most westernized of Muslims do not like to be told by a woman " do this, do that " ,because that's something very different from their experience at home ). I guess all the tale just shows how you do not get along terribly well, all in all, or at least you do not get along terribly well when he is stressed out about money and you are stressed out about pregnancy scares - ( Btw : pregnancy scare ? Don't you use birth control/ protection ? what if you really get pregnant ?... )
Then again, you are a relatively new couple, you don't know each other that much, and dating is just for ironing out this kind of kinks, .... so, the real problem might be another one.
You assume ( yes, ok, also based on what he says , but.. talk is cheap ) that this could turn into a forever relationship, but, are you positive he sees it that way ?...
You see , a good Muslim is not only supposed to abstain from sex during Ramadan- he is supposed to NOT have sex before marriage, period. It sounds that he stills cares about this type of things regardless of his long permanence in the States- for him it IS a big sin, and you ARE leading him into temptation constantly. I think he might be feeling very guilty and conflicted about that, and that's why he tries to not have sex with you ... only to cave in at the end.
No problem, as long as he caves in ? :)... Maybe. On the other hand, he surely would not be the first nor the last Muslim student abroad to have a foreign gf for the duration- only to go get married to a nice, observant, good MUSLIM woman ( often chosen by his family ) when the time is right. You also say that his is a very close knit family ( not surprising ) and his family is important to him, well, what would his parents say about his plan to get married with someone like you ? With previous sexual experiences, a non believer, who leads their son down the wrong path by following him to live in sin in Germany etc ?... You can imagine you would not make the ideal DIL for them, and it all depends how much your bf ( or ex bf ) cares about having his family / community approval. Hint : they generally care A LOT.
What I am tryng to say is, maybe, while you feel that , if you sort some things out, you can make this last- he, although he likes you and all, deep down knows that the most probable scenario is that this is - a temporary love. Love maybe... but still just temporary. So, if it works well by itself, fine and dandy. If there are problems and misuderstandings etc... no much sense in sweating a lot to fix them , and / or accepting compromises, because anyway you are not going to be his FINAL choice.
Sorry to rain on your parade, but I have seen it and heard it happen so many times that , to me, it's uncanny how many girls still think , like you, that love will just conquer it all. I am not even saying that love does not ever conquer anything- but it's less frequent than you believe, and , most of all, when there's a rather high level of conflictuality on both sides, with yells , shouts, broken dishes , and frequent miscommunication, you HAVE to ask yourself , would love conquer it all , even if we belonged to the same culture / religion ? ...Most probably, not.
Anyway , do you even want to go to Germany ? Doing what ? Do you speak German ? What about after Germany, is he planning to go back to his ( war-torn ) country ? Would you want to go there, in such a case ?...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 September 2014):
 I don't think that as an adult anyone but you and your bf should be involved in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 September 2014):
 What on earth can your uncle possibly do about your relationship? Make the guy call you? Tell him to play nice and not to shout at you? Tell him he's going to track him down and break his knees? It's your business after all you are a big girl. Sorry but one line in you narrative sums this situation up in my opinion, and I quote:"and then the bus left... "
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2014):
 If you asked this Uncle.... I'd ask these questions, to clarify matters in my mind.
1. Is he a Muslim?
2. Are you (a Muslim)?
3. If 1. is "yes," and 2. is "no".... then my advice is: Why would you consider being this guy's chattel (That's how Muslims treat women... as PROPERTY!)... when you can live an enlightened life, otherwise?
4. If 1. and 2. are both "yes,".... then the choice is your's. You might want to look at my advice, above, nonetheless.....
Good luck....
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