A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 2 months, but pregnant with another man's baby. i dated by husband for 3 years, but he really treated me badly for a while. I fell pregant by him and he "forced", me to abort, which i regreted.I resorted to cheating on him with another man and planned to get pregnant by him (the second guy), "to replace my lost baby". I lied to my now husband i was pregnant by him and he was very exited, and decided we marry. ( i didnt care what his response was going to be). The relationship is now ok. the other man knows am preganant and suspects its his, though i havent mentioned anything to him. he knew i was seeing someone when i was cheating with him. is it such a big deal to pass on the child as my husbands when its not? possibility of him knowing is very slim. i havent told anyone about it, even my closest friend, and intend to keep it that way. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): I'll follow your question with a question? What are you going to do when the real paternal family of your baby start seeing their family member in your child's face? Don't imagine "it will never happen." Don't tell yourself, "The real baby's father has promised never to tell." Here's what happened 36 years after almost the same thing happened to my brother: I saw a photo of a man who looked exactly like my father. Pure chance. Then I began searching and learned, beyond any doubt, that the man is my brother's son. The woman had married another man when she was three months pregnant.My brother is gone. But I'm still here. And I'm left with the choice: Do I tell my brother's son about the man who essentially lost him as a son because of "the law" and a manipulative woman? Or, do I stand silent? In my brother's case, the mother of his son allowed him to see his son regularly until their son was over two years old. Then, she said, "You can't see him any more. He's going to start asking who you are, and I don't want [husband] to know that you come here."So, don't imagine that this is a "secret" that you can carry to your grave.Your first concern would be blood types: If you are negative and your husband is negative, are you sure that the father of your baby also is negative? If you're negative, the baby's blood MUST be tested within 72 hours of birth. If baby is positive and husband is negative, have you thought of an answer yet?Best advice has already been given above: END THE MARRIAGE. Get a divorce or annullment as fast as possible. Do NOT name your husband as the father of the baby. Tell the real father that he has a child on the way. You wrote in July; that was four months ago. It was not clear how pregnant you were when you wrote. You may have birthed the child already. If so, get thee to a lawyer as fast as possible and tell your lawyer that you've got a mess that needs to be fixed ASAP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): I understand why you feel your husband pretty much lost his rights re: babies when he forced you to abort his baby, but I don't understand why you went back to him and married him.I don't feel you owe your husband much, because I also think that forcing you to have an abortion was a terrible thing to do, and in terms of lying to your husband about being the baby's father, I don't actually feel strongly about that. However, I do feel VERY strongly that it is not fair on the baby to give him or her a not very nice 'father' who isn't even their father. And I also think it is incredibly unfair on the man who seems to have been good to you, who you had the affair with.So, to me your husband's feelings aren't so important - I don't have much sympathy with him. But with your innocent child, and relatively innocent father of this child - I think you DO owe them something. You owe them the truth.So, my advice would be to leave your husband, as you clearly don't love him and don't respect the marriage much. I think you should be honest, should tell your child's father the truth, and give them their due right of knowing each other, loving each other and being forever in each other's lives.Your husband didn't want a child, so why 'give' him someone else's??Nope. You have to be strong. Leave the bad husband. Be honest and, even if alone, you will be able to look yourself in the face. Don't tell this huge lie to your child. Don't ruin their life before they are born.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): with what you are doing right now, i am glad you did not keep his baby. once he founds out that you tricked him into getting married and now someone elses seed, well he is going to get rid of you. and he wouldnt want any babies tieing him to you.
women like u need to be publically shamed for deceiving their hbs.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): that is a dreadful and decietful thing to do. how dare you have a baby to 'fill in a hole'? and making someone believe its theirs when its not? your not god and you certainly have no right lying to your husband or the future child. your being selfish and not thinking of anyone apart from yourself. your bringing your child into a lie and your lying to your child from the minute its born! your child will hate you and so will your husband! there is NEVER any hiding the truth. it will come out eventually. what makes you think that the real father will keep his mouth shut? especially if he already suspects.... if your husband has treated you that badley you would have left and dont tell me you had no way of leaving because if it was that bad, you would have found a way. and your husband did not physically hold you down to abort your baby. so dont blame him. girl get some help, get a divorce, and sort this mess out before your child is born. this will come back to bite you in the ass if you dont.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): You could find out if it's such a big deal in years to come
when your grown child and husband find out....because they will...Universal law TRUTH always comes a knocking...so yeh of course it's a big deal and my family knows it.
spunky monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Oh nooooooo... its definetly a bad move... granted he forced you to have an abortion and treated you poorly, don't make that move. I personally would keep the baby, get a divorce (you shouldn't of gotten married pregnant because your not going to get anything), and tell that man about his baby. In the end all you really wanted was the baby and I'm not knocking you. I don't know what kind of hubby you have but most men, would be ready to lullaby you for some devious crap like that...keep your health and child THAT'S IT...
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 in the united states many states adhere to the Lord Mansfield rule that says the husband of the mother is the legal father of the baby.
that being said, it's an awfully big lie to live with forever and ever...
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2011):
 OP check this one out:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-stop-my-lack-of-trust.html
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 July 2011):
3 things:
1 - The law is now taking this more seriously - your husband could sue you if he finds out, as it is basically fraud and subsequently theft. There have been law cases in numerous countries around the world.
2 - If your child's real father has any medical problems, they will be passed on to your child and no one might know. Then your child won't know its real history, which might put it in danger.
3 - If they do find out (and it's more possible than you think), then you'll lose everything including your child who will resent you for lying.
Sorry, but this is the worst thing you can do to a child and a man. You could be putting your child in danger, and if and when it comes out you'll hurt your child. If nothing else, have respect for your child.
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reader, Odds +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Regardless of his past behavior, inflicting further injustice is not the solution. What you're doing is cuckoldry, and it is evil.
Tell me this: would it be a big deal if your husband secretly switched your baby in the hospital for another one, so the one you took home wasn't the one you gave birth to?
Not to mention that if the baby has any health problems, the doctors would need an accurate family history to have the best chance of helping the kid survive. Your lie is more than an injustice, it is a selfish risk of your child's health for the sake of your own convenience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is simply the worst thing you can ever do to a man from an emotional standpoint. There is nothing worse. It would probably cause him less emotional hurt if he got violently gang raped. I am not exaggerating.
Evolution does not build men and women to feel the same way about this because they both do no stand to gain and lose the same way over it. Paternity fraud stands to cost a man his bloodline. It stands to be harmless or more often help a woman's bloodline. I know women can understand that this crime hurts men, but I do not think women are truly capable of understanding how much it hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Yes it is a BIG deal. Not only did you cheat on your partner but you tricked him into marriage by pretending another mans baby was his. That is an awful thing to do to someone.
You cant say for sure that your secret will always be safe. As already mentioned, health screens might expose you in the future. Or this other man might decide to be troublesome to you at a later date. And there is also the distinct possibility that the child might not look anything like your husband and raise his suspicions. Couple that with the slightest whiff of your involvement with another man and if hubby does the math, you could have a very difficult situation on your hands. I really don't think you have thought this 'plan' through very well.
Your husband did not deserve what you are doing. Firstly, cheating is not an excuse when a relationship is not working out well. And if things really had been THAT bad with him, why would you want to marry him, let alone deceive him into raising another mans child?
If you do ever decide to tell your husband the truth. Before you tell him, remove yourself and your child first. Go as far away as you can possibly get because if he has a temper there is no telling what he might do. I think you are playing a very risky game.
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reader, VSAddict +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Your husband deserves to know the truth. Don't let him spend the next 18 yrs spending his money and putting his time to raise some kid that's not his. Not telling him is selfish and not the right thing to do. And if he treated you so badly, why did you decide to marry the guy? There's better men out there. But no matter how mad you were at yourr husband doesn't justify doing this. He's your husband and he decided to spend his life with you, so tell him the truth. The longer you wait, the angrier he'll be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): "....it such a big deal to pass on the child as my husbands when its not...." THIS IS A CRIME!!!!!11you have no morals. that is it -plain and simple.cheating on your hb is one thing.......now trying to pass off another mans seed is something else.in the end it is women like you who make a mockery of paternity ; no morals and certainly no integrity.sadly, it will be your child who will suffer.Oh and dont think that your hb wouldnt suspect anything: your lies and half truths will come back to harm both you and this kid.do you believe in Karma? this has proven time and time again to be true: you will pay the price for this deceit. and that is the truth!the only person who is going to really suffer here is this unborn kid. and it is a crying shame to have a mother like you. by keeping this secret when your hb finds out, he will retailiate and I cannot blame him.LoveGirl
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reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 under the circumstances I think you are doing the right thing. by the way my sisterinlaw comes from arusha
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 For a man it's a very big deal! I know for many men there is nothing worse than believing a child to be yours when it is not.
However it sounds like your husband has behaved very badly. Only you know what me might do if you told the truth, he may try to force you to get rid of the child, which would be terrible.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (25 July 2011):
I don't think you should lie to your husband, nor to the child.
Taking the husband out of the equation, think about your child. What if they have some sort of health condition, for example, which might need some sort of contact with the child's father. What would you do then?
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