| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey. I posted a question relating to this a while back and it would take a while to rewrite concisely so please view this before reading: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-has-caused-this-outbreak-of-non-platonic.htmlAnyway... I still really like him (my friend.) I think he is my friend, although I not sure what we are. If you have read the link I posted you will know that my friend and I (who is a guy and a year older than me, pretty much exactly) have kind of overstepped the barrier of platonic friendship already. However we haven't actually had any sort of conversation about this so I still don't know whether he likes me in a serious way or not… since we last met up we have been talking online/phone/Skype on a regular basis as usual, although immediately after I saw him this stopped for about a week. As of meeting up has been being repeatedly aggressive towards me in our online conversations for no apparent reason (not that this is an entirely new thing,) for example having a go at me publically on Facebook because I didn't agree with his assessment of my MBTI psychological personality type, swearing at me and accusing me of trying to "pull some serious bulls**t" to get out of an argument about it before deleting the whole thread. He also started having a go at my male friend who he doesn't know after he made a (perfectly reasonable and inoffensive) comment on my status and then sent me various messages claiming he thought the guy in question was a "f***ing moron" amongst other things… okay I'm making him sound like he swears constantly and nothing else but he doesn’t, he's actually really, really eloquent and tends to use a lot of long words when he speaks (as do I, I suppose.)However he did later apologise for "being really aggressive lately…”Yesterday he started messaging me asking if I’d heard the news story about the guy in Norway shooting 80+ people and I said something along the lines of, "yeah, I heard that on the radio, was kind of zoning in and out though" to which he said "talk less about yourself and more about the issue at hand" to which I was like "... okay."The thing is I am very socially awkward and insecure. I have Asperger’s Syndrome and get depressed a lot and have pretty much no friends in real life. He, on the other hand, has a fairly active social life (although he also spends a lot of time online and has a general disdain for humanity) and has been having sex since he was in his early teens, with various people, doing drugs etc. (with I have too but not nearly as frequently.) He also got told by a psychiatrist a few years back that he might be diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder (in other words, a sociopath) if he were slightly older (he is currently almost 19.)Today he started telling me he thought I was "attention-seeking," "over-sensitive" and "self-absorbed" - literally, for no reason. I was kind of upset obviously and told him this to which he started going on about how talking to me is “like walking on a perpetual minefield etc. etc.” and then basically just went offline and said we could "discuss it later."Another of my (online) male friend, who he also thinks is an "idiot," said that our "relationship" seemed "slightly abusive" from what he could see and I am not sure this is true, but equally I am not sure I really care because I really love him and I don't have any other real friends. My friend (the one who is the focus of this question) has always made this observation however, because a while back he asked me (in real life) if I thought he was like "the abusive husband" or something and I said no but I am starting to wonder.I was kind of considering stopping talking to him earlier but then I realised I liked him too much for the resolve to last and I didn't really have anyone else to talk to.To be honest I am genuinely starting to feel like I am the one with the “problem” i. e. being over-sensitive etc. and he is generally in the right about everything. I know his ex-girlfriend (who now hates me) felt a similar way although perhaps less extremely when they were together because she told me at the time.--I feel like every time I talk to him (or he talks to me, as it generally is… believe it or not) my self-esteem is steadily eroding. I just wish he would be nice to me for once/show genuine emotion and appreciate the fact I am if nothing else unequivocally loyal to him… literally to a point where if he phones me at 2 o'clock in the morning to tell me he is thinking of running away to another country and is going to mug someone at knifepoint to get money to do so (yes, this has happened) I willingly wait up to make sure he is okay and nothing has gone wrong. Not that he will bother telling me.The other day he started telling me that I “made him feel isolated” because we have “inherently disparate interests.” Apparently, my lack of interest in economics, politics and… wait for it… going out socially is, to him, “a problem...”Anyway... yeah, as you can tell, this is kind of stressing me out. Incredibly I am still desperate for him to love me, although I am not sure if he does.... Your views? (Please, don’t just say, “Stop talking to him; you can do better,” or kind of thing. I CAN’T do better. This is proven by the fact I have no other sustained friendships. Also, I really love him and if he does have a problem in terms of being a sociopath or whatever this is obviously not his fault. And he can be really nice and is very intelligent… I am portraying him in a really bad light here…)Wow! This is so long!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Beston - that isn't what makes him aggressive, that's just how he responds to anything that confuses him. Which is a lot.
I am a believer in equality. I'm not an especially "normal" person and I would never attempt to fill a generic female role, because it doesn't come naturally to me. It's true that I'm not naturally inclined towards economics, however I did say if he wanted to talk to me about it he could. I'm not "antisocial" -in any case he is far more so than me- I just get nervous in large groups and don't enjoy group socialisation for that reason. This is largely because I am Autistic, something I cannot change. I already make "sacrfices" for him, in the sense you are talking about. I DO go out socially with him despite not liking it. And I make a great effort to repress how much I talk about my obsession (which is an animated TV show... see: Asperger's Syndrome) when I am around him because I know he doesn't share my level of interest; that is, extreme.
For the record, I spend at least 60% of my time on the internet researching how to communicate with people normally and feign social skills.
- Original poster.
A
male
reader, Beston G.J  +, writes (25 July 2011):
hi friend, its very obvious you love this guy, but does he really love you too? I think in every productive relationship the love should be symbiotic. Now here is the solution: you said he complained about you being antisocial or not being interested in economics if that is what is making he aggressive then if you really love him as you claimed work on those aspects. The internet is there ynu make use it. Do some researches. No knowlege is a waste, it is for your good Ok! Become interested in what interests him. We men we like our women to love what we love and sometimes hate what we hate. Finally, you both need to talk. I mean serious communication. You both need to talk things out and decide what you both want outof theo
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A
male
reader, Roshii  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 This really upset me if i'm 100% honest here. An before i go into my advice rant i just want to say that you can do better. You just don't think you can because you have issues forming relationships with people. Where as this guy obviously thinks the world revolves around him. Being a sociopath isn't enough reason to go round insulting people. I have bipolar which means sometimes i'm just a bit mean cos of my mood, You want to know what i do if i've upset anyone during a phase? I apologize profusely to them.
An illness is never an excuse to insult people you don't know.
So anyways here's my advice, you tell him exactly how he is making you feel. me and you may disagree that you can do better, but you defiantly deserve better treatment. so you present him with an opportunity to change. And if he's getting help he will change, but like psychologists say, it is very important that the person experiencing the ailment knows how it is effecting those around them.
You'll get your answer if you do that, he will either care or be disinterested, if hes disinterested he'll probably change his mind as he feels better.
We all have issues in life weather its bipolar, social anxiety, sociopath. it doesn't give people the right to treat people like crap. You have your own issues and while your being supportive of him, he should be showing you that same support.
but having an aliment that effects my personal relationships and effects me socially. i can understand how sometimes we use it to push those away that care. if he's doing that i really hope he's getting help and if he is then its a case of you not blaming yourself and perhaps seeking help yourself just talking to someone and unloading it can help you deal with how he's acting if it is down to a mental disorder.
Which is my final suggestion.
My inbox is always open if you need someone impartial to talk to. i wish you luck.
Roshii
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