A
female
age
41-50,
*ebecca_B
writes:Trying for a second after the death of our baby.My husband and I were high school sweet hearts and both knew we wanted to have children. Sortly after we got married we tried to get pregnant after 3 years and many tries we finally got pregnant. Our daughter Piper Faith, was born 14 weeks early. My husband never left the NICU the whole time she was there, he was madly in love with her and refused to give up on her. She dies 4 weeks later in his arms. After that day he never talked about her. If I tried he would just walk out. I out a picture up in our livingroom of her and he took it down. Its been 18 months since it happened and I would like to try for another baby, but he has never mentioned it, Should I bring it up or wait until he is ready? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rebecca_B +, writes (18 March 2009):
rebecca_B is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband agreed that he hasnt be handling things properly and is trying to open up more to me. I suggested he see a doctor but he said no. So now I am just letting him go at his pace. He has looked at a photo album of her with me (there were lots of tears) but it was a HUGE step for him. I have casualy mentioned that someday he would have the chance to be a great dad and he said "I hope so", so at least I know he will want to have another baby later.
A
male
reader, Islander +, writes (13 March 2009):
 well thats a pretty good start for you guys i hope it will go great whenever you decided to open up to him on having a new baby.again sorry for the lost and keep safe and good luck
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Oh bless you. I read your update.
Different people grieve differently. But it's been 18 months, and you guys have to move out of this stalemate. Suggest seeing a grief counselor. In fact, you might insist on it. If your heart is set on having another baby, and his grief is paralyzing him, then your relationship is going to suffer with you two going in such different directions.
I'm very sorry for your loss; I think you're facing it with honesty.
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A
female
reader, rebecca_B +, writes (13 March 2009):
rebecca_B is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell as soon as I logged off the computer I went out to talk to my husband as soon as I mentioned Pipers name he got up to leave. but I yelled at him and got his attention pretty quick. I told him that I missed her to but pretending it didnt happen wasnt working. I took out a picture and told him I wanted to be able to put it up. He broke down and cried, the first time since the day she died. I felt bad but relieved that he was actually starting to open up. I guess it is the first step to recovery for him. It will be a few months before I even considering bring up new baby to him.
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A
male
reader, Islander +, writes (13 March 2009):
i might be young but i suggest you wait. losing such a wonderful gift from heaven is just too painful for him. so i really suggest you wait for the right time.
well lets say that you are gonna confront him about it now. well what do you think his reaction would be? he might flip out on you. so i really suggest you wait for the right time. its not easy to forget such a gift.
i wish you good luck and ill pray for you and your husband and you little angel(R.I.P) condolence
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 If you have already tried to open the lines of communication and he isn't having it, I would try to find a counselor, therapist or support group to help him open up and grieve. This is obviously painful for him, of course, but you need to talk. Many people that I have known, who have lost children to SIDS or in other ways, have found support groups very helpful.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers and I am sure that there are better days ahead. XXX
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 March 2009):
 What a tough situation. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think that if you feel like it's too soon for him, avoid it. You will know better than any of us whether or not he's truly ready. Feel him out, use that faithful woman's intuition to figure out whether or not he needs some more time - 6 months, a year to even start considering it.
If you feel like he might be ready for that discussion, I would pose it to him something like, when do you think the right time would be to try again? Or, I think we've really gained strength from that situation... do you feel like maybe we'll be ready to try again? Do you think it's too soon to start thinking about that?
In a non pressure way, is what I'm saying. I wouldn't approach the conversation like, "I want another baby, is that okay with you?" because that puts a lot of pressure on him. I think you should approach this with as much patience, tenderness, consideration and most of all - love. I imagine that this was very rough on the both of you, but it seems that he took it really hard. So be sensitive to him and his grievance. If he seems to still be in the process of grieving and not to the "acceptance" stage, let it go and wait until you feel he is really ready.
Good luck, and again - my condolences to you an your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I would wait until he is ready. It sounds like he is so afraid that it will happen again. You do need to talk about it, but possibly with a counselor if he is not ready yet. Did the baby have triosomy or any abnormalities. I'm a labor and delivery nurse, that is why I ask. This situation may or may not happen again, but chances are slim.
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