A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Can someone help me think of the right words to say now that I have decided to take a painful step? I have known a man through work for a little more than a year now. From the moment we met I felt that unbelievable chemistry you always hear about, and I believe he does too. We are both married for a long time. We don't work in the same department, only the same building. He goes out of his way to come see me pretty regularly and we just have a great time talking. We have never verbally expressed romantic feelings to each other but we have said very positive things about each other which indicate a high level of caring. On several occasions we have hugged - the full frontal hug and it felt wonderful to me, and since he initiated it most of the time, I assume he liked it too. I realize I have fallen into a full blown emotional affair with him. I know it's wrong, and lately it's causing me pain. I don't honestly know if the pain is that I am ashamed of these feelings, or that I am frustrated that things haven't gone further. I become down in the dumps on the days I don't see him. And I learned today from someone else that he got some good news in his life (a promotion) and I am crushed that he didn't come tell me. I have a wonderful husband, and the pain this situation is giving me tells me that I have to get straight with this thing. I believe I need to stop seeing this man at all, and that idea is making me sick. My question is, how do I tell him to stop coming to visit me without sounding awful, because he hasn't done anything wrong. I thought maybe I should just tell him the truth, that it is hard for me to see him when I want so much more. However, that makes me vulnerable, because he and I have never discussed our feelings, so if I tell him the whole story he will know how I feel. That could lead to me either getting rejected by him (the old "I'm flattered but I don't feel that same way about you") or him saying he does feel the same and sadly, that is what I'd like to hear, but it probably could never lead to anything due to our marriages. What could I say to preserve my composure? This is a great guy and I don't want him to feel he's done anything wrong. But how do you tell someone that you better not see them any more?This is agony to me, because frankly I have fallen hard for him. And the truth is, I'd like to know if he feels the same way.Can someone suggest anything? I can not imagine what it must feel like for people who have been in full-blown affairs.Thank you for any thoughts you can share.
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female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I agree completely with the first, anonymous poster. I'm not very outgoing, but I've always set great store on expressing emotions. However, in this case, you will achieve your goals better if you follow anon's advice.
If this man has any sensitivity at all, he will realize that your subtle withdrawal has meaning, and he will respect it. Even if he does wonder what he did to offend you, it would be far better to leave him with that impression than to lay all the emotional cards on the table. You'll end up going through far more grief that way, and it will much more difficult to set things to rights in your own marriage, with your heart distracted, in pain, or both.
If you do as advised, and this gentleman asks you why you're not so friendly anymore, look him in the eye and say, "I've become very busy lately." Then as soon as you can, dismiss him so you can get back to your "very busy" work.
If you're not going to go for broke and initiate an affair with this fellow, then this is the best path. I'm sure of it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I'm the OP again. Looks like while I was posting my response about the first person who answered my question, 2 more people posted and again they seem to have a lot of sense and good judgement. But again I'll say that I just feel like I have to take some specific action, or else I'll keep spinning my wheels. I don't mean telling him I'm falling in love. I thought maybe I could just say something like "you can certainly come around for work-related issues, but as far as the coming by just to visit or chat, I'd like you to stop that. I think it would be for the best." Do you think that would also be a mistake?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I am the original poster, and I want to say to the first person who responded that you have a great ability to communicate. It took you so few words to explain things so well. But the trouble is, I am one of those people who seems to have to express herself. I am a believer in the theory that it is easier and better to express your feelings rather than stifle them. Damn my outgoing personality. Your techniques sound good, but it's just that I know how I would feel if the situation was reversed and someone who had always welcomed me warmly was suddenly too busy to talk, always looking away or needing to go somewhere. I would wonder what had gone wrong, or had I done something to offend, and it doesn't seem very nice to leave someone hanging like that. Plus, I think I am one of those people who needs closure, although I hate that word. I think if I break things off, it would be less painful than just slowly freezing someone out. And deep down I am afraid that maybe I'm thinking if I tell him the truth, he would respond with the same feelings. That's why I was looking for words that will protect me from revealing my feelings but at the same time indicate that things can't go on like this.
I want to say, I am not a bad person, but in this man I found something so out of the ordinary in an otherwise ordinary world. Just to be on a similar wavelength with someone you meet is a very enriching thing. I will never again be so quick to judge someone who has an affair. I'm not saying it's a good thing to do, I'm just saying that sometimes there could be more to it than meets the eye. I wonder now if sometimes people are swept away by something they just can't resist. And I don't mean just sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I agree with the last post. It is your work place, do not say anything....If you do, you don't know for sure that he would not talk to others, or others may hear you. The less contact the better. Try to spark your marriage. If he is a great man..keep him!! The fish in the sea are slim pickings. Go to counseling, you're both missing that chemistry..you must have had it once before. Fall in love again!!
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A
female
reader, vwomen +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I can understand how you feel,ihave been in this same situation before. However my marriage was ending when it happened and the guy wasn't married,but in a long relationship with one kid at the time. Now he has another baby and that change our friendship.I the best advice i can give you is ,if you have a wonderful husband at home talk to him about your marriage maybe what you get out the friendship with this guy your lacking in your marriage. Talk with your husband sometimes we find another man conversation or touch more filling than what we are use to.But don't destory one good relationship to have a fling with another married man. Think about your feeling you already have fallen hard you said,and beside he may feel the same way about you,but do you think he will leave he's wife if you to would get seriously invovled NO. they say the would but they don't. don't mess up what you have at home for some that may not workout for your good continue to love your husband.LET IT GO BEFORE IT'S TO LATE!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Well, if you have come to the point that you know it can't continue, swallow your curiosity. It sounds like he doesn't come over all the time or tell you everything. Maybe better to say nothing, just be less interested, have to leave to go to the washroom when he is there, less eye contact, no touching, just let it die out. There is a risk of major embarrassment, in the workplace not a great thing. You know it was real, you don't need the words, now time to get over it!
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