A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so my boyfriend of 5 months and i have been having problems lately. alot of trust problems! yesterday i feel asleep at his apartment on his sofa and my phone was charging. i still talk to my ex-bf and some guy friends back home. while i was asleep he went through my phone and saw text messages that came across as me cheating and being flirty! he woke me up and came unglued with me. which i completly understand! the text messages weren't meant as he took them and now he hates me. he refuses to talk to me look at me and even touch him. i swore to him i wasn't cheating and explained everthing to him and promised to not talk to them ever again and then told him we could go through my phone together. as we went though my phone he kept being a smart ass and being rude. so i took my phone away and he now thinks i was hiding something bc of that. i completly understand that he's hurt but my biggest no-no is cheating! i love him way too much...reguardless of all our problems. every relationship i go into i come out being cheated on. i would never do that. what do i do? i am so scared! we were suppose to get engaged soon. help please i'm so lost and hurt that i let things get too carried away and hurt him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Caring Guy brings up a good point. Your bf is pained by what occurred but his reaction was pretty intense. I am thinking, maybe he does have some 'control' issues he needs to address. That would be a red flag in my books.
Listen I can see him being hurt, I can see him re-evaluating this relationship and deciding it's not for him but to become unglued, and to hate you and refuses to speak with you, is over the top in my books. He was punishing you emotionally..and that is not right. Why not just say, "I can't trust you, I am upset, I need space to think on this, I'll call you when I am ready" or even if he said "we're through...we're done" and just walked away, without this lashing out. But humans do really dumb things when they feel pain.
Listen, you know now, after this experience that trust is the biggest foundation of all committed, loving relationships and it's is earned, by both people as the relationship grows and develops. It doesn't automatically happen in one month, 5 months or even upwards of a year. It takes a long, long time and huge efforts, put in by both partners. As Spinnaker points points out, you both had been dating 5 months..not enough time to trust each other completely...you both were still learning to do that. So because of that fact, your bf was basing your trustworthiness on your actions, NOT what you were saying. By his discovery of the phone messages, you and he have went backwards to square one, in this relationship and time will tell whether it will work out or not.
So take heart, yes, trust can be gotten back but it takes a lot of work and soul searching, on both your parts. As well, it's also going to be dependent on your bf who was wounded, and it will depend on the degree of sincerity coming from you. And let's be honest, people who date for usually one year and less are always will evaluating and scrutinizing each other..in the area of trust.
So probably the best thing you can do is work hard, by actions...to re-establishing it again. And your bf will have to set some boundries and levels of how he will build that trust with you. And this process takes a long time and one does it in baby steps, with patience. But if you both communicate and talk this over, he needs to respect you as well..not only build that trust again. He needs to respect you and stop becoming unglued. That is alarming. Watch for that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhis longest and serious realtionship before me was bad. she would talk and text guys on the phone and ended up leaving him for one of those guys. i know he still hurts from it bc we talk about it. i just wish he would realize that i'm not her and dont have the intensions she had or the intensions he thinks i may have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you! if he gives me another chances things will be different not only me but him. i do have alot to talk to him about and think about myself. but thank you! this really helps!
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male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (1 March 2010):
 5 months is still a short time. HE seems to be moving forward with his expectations in this relationship faster than you are. Maybe he got burned by a girl who ran off with an ex and it is still a sore spot?The phone and you talking to your exes is incidental. You and he should have a heart to heart about each of your expectations and where you are respectively in this relationship.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 March 2010):
This is the reason that ex's should move on from each other. The next partners always feel undermined. That said, your boyfriend's reaction was far over the top for something like this. I understand the initial reaction, but don't understand his reaction after you completely opened up and went through everything. And why was he searching through your phone in the first place? Seems to me like he has a lot of issues, and to be honest, you need to really think about whether this guy is the one. You don't want to get married and suddenly find out he is controlling.
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