A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I'm in a going on two years relationship, we live together and we are both serious. Problem is, in the beginning of our relationship, he did some stupid things and lost my trust. He lied a lot in past relationships and is trying to stop that with me. His ex was a serial hack into his computer and his exes emails kinda person. She was deceitful and not trust worthy. So, while he was talking to her, he was less than honest with me and I got suspicious one day and checked his text messages on his phone. I was hoping to find nothing, yet instead found a slew of flirty texts and inappropriate things. I confronted him immediately and we've since then tried to fix things. Things got better, but his facebook was getting hacked and now his email is getting hacked. He blames me because we live together. He set up a web camera to record activity on his computer while he's gone... I saw the light on when I walked past his computer and I confronted him. We started therapy but we don't trust each other. I don't trust him to be appropriate with his exes, and he doesn't trust that I haven't hacked into his computer multiple times. I admitted to the phone thing and haven't touched his stuff since then, but he doesn't believe me. I sorta understand because I am suspicious about his activity when it comes to his exes, but some of the things that have happened are absolutely ridiculous and yet he still blames me. These things all revolve around his ex and she's well known to do this stuff, yet he says she wouldn't do it anymore, now that they're not dating. He is so blind, when we first started dating, someone de-friended me and untagged all my pictures... yet it couldn't have been her. This stuff is still going on after two years and he still suspects me. It's impossible, how do I get him to trust me, and how can i start to trust him if all i see is his blind eye to all the crap that his ex is doing? why does he blame me and not her? Is this relationship doomed? thanks for your advice!
View related questions:
facebook, flirt, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Love-Wisely  +, writes (30 September 2011):
 Dishonest people are good at rushing the trust back out of us: so they can continue lying again asap.
It's a tactic. Some people do it automatically and without being aware of their own motives. He casts suspicion onto you for needing "to know for sure," and being right? -I don't want to check anyone's cell. I don't want mine to be checked, but cell phones shouldn't be a forbidden mystery in a long term relationship.
You let him get away with so much shady behavior: you can't tell what self-preservation is through his smokescreen. He got caught seriously disrespecting your relationship for an extended period of time. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty: it's just him turning the tables on you...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2011):
There are so many red flags with this guy that it's just not true. He has severe trust issues that simply won't go away whilst you're with him. He's not informed the police of this hacking. All he's done is blame you over and over again.
What's more likely is that his ex has sent software through an email or something. And him blaming you over her is more likely to be proof that he's not really over her.
After two years, he should be doing better. Time to walk away, I think.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 September 2011):
 Huh. So let's get this straight. He still is in contact with the ex to the point of flirty text messages that you discovered?
Not only that, but he is secretly webcamming you without your knowledge? His ex is also a computer hacker and you're getting defriended?
I'm telling you this right now. Your boyfriend is the hacker, and that would really creep me out big time. So what if his ex was a whacko stalker hacker? What does that have to do with you, and if he's doing it to you, he's as bad as she is.
Truthfully, I think your boyfriend is the root of all drama here, and if his ex is still being allowed in close proximity to your relationship, it's time to pull the plug.
Way too much crap and drama. Real relationships don't bug webcams and hack into computers and cell phones on a whim.
Time to bail out on the little hacker and let him hack himself. Oh, and get your own laptop and change all of your passwords. Breaking into other people's privacy is a crime.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 September 2011):
 Hi,
You and your boyfriend have been through a lot of trust issues in the past. I will suggest you to sit down with him and talk about all the things that have been bothering you.
The things that need to be address are:
1) disclosure all the lies that happened in the past.
2) tell him that you don't feel comfortable that he still in contact with his exes, that you find disrespectul.
3) tell him that you will not go through his phone and computer.
4) tell him that you love him and that you would like to continue being with him, and have a healthy, happy relationship.
5) tell him that you are willing to forget the past, forgive him, and start fresh.
6) tell him that you want to re-build trust, and don't want to fight, and wonder if he's being unappropriated w/ his exes.
7) ask him if he wants to be with you exclusively. If so, he needs to forgive you too.
I hope he can have a nice, friendly, honest talk with you. Explain to him that you understand his behavior, but he also needs to understand you, because you had your reasons to act in such a way.
What matters now is that you are both together. Don't let the past control your future, and ruin your relationship. What happened is in the past, and people make mistakes. Tell him that you want to be with him, but that you cannot do it alone, and need him to make this relationship work.
Just know that the things that happened between you, and him it's not that bad, and it's definitely possible that you both can be happy together. I hope this helps, and please let's us know how you are doing.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Its doomed I reckon, how can you live with his being so paranoid. Sounds more like MI5 than a loving relationship.
Personally if my personal emails and facebook etc were being continually hacked I would inform the police immediately. I am pretty sure its illegal.Its a gross invasion of privacy.
2 years is long enough to have to put up with this.
...............................
|
