A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, well this is hard for me to write, but I really could do with some help or advice, please.I have been in a relationship with a lovely woman for 3 months now, and we are both getting along great and really enjoy each others company. We are actually old school friends who grew up together and, having found our own seperate paths in life, have now joined together 30 years later. Although we kept in touch for many years when we were younger, its only now that we have become intimate and looking to create a more serious and permanent relationship. I am lucky that she has grown into a wonderful, interesting and beautiful woman and feel a connection with her which I have never had before - a feeling she says she has about me. She is also very open and honest with me and has nothing to hide. However, I have a major problem which I am sure will destroy any future we might have and really would like help with this. See, I have some major trust issues and possible retro-active jealousy problems, which have already surfaced in previous relationships and has now occurred again.Recently, I have been giving my friend a hard time by asking her awkward questions, saying stupid and immature things, and generaly casting shadows on our bright days. I've noticed that I feel like I'm losing control of how I think and, although try and keep my mouth shut about things, will say things which are hurtful and which I always regret.I know many of you might judge me for this, but it really is no fun thinking or feeling the way I do, and even more hurtful when I think I am actually upsetting this wonderful girl and will gradually push her away.It's really hard to say here what the actual cause is because it can be different things at different times...there's no single cause. When we got together, I told her I didn't want to know about her sexual past as it was non of my business and happened years ago. However, she wanted to talk to me about some previous experiences she had which she felt would help me understand some intimacy issues she has.So, she spoke to me about some of her past and, before long, revealed a new side of her I hadn't expected. Nothing major or shocking, but still things I wish I hadn't heard...and, unfortunately, that's now become a dominant factor in my mind.As I said earlier, I have been troubled by this before in past relationships which eventually came to a horrible end.I've read about trust issues, retro-active jealousy, etc on here and online and was wondering if there's any help I can get or counselling available to get me through this and maybe understand and control why / what I think?Also, are there any Aunts / Uncles on here who have worked through trust issues and, if so, what did you do and how did it work?Like I said, I really am lucky to have such a wonderful and understanding lady in my life, and would do anything to change the way I am.Sorry for the long post...
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female
reader, HU(wo)MAN  +, writes (3 July 2017):
I hope that all has worked out well. I was on the receiving end of retroactive jealousy, and it was very ugly and painful. It killed our relationship and I'm still coping with the damage, 5 years after the relationship ended. I hope that your counseling worked well, and maybe you can share some tips on any successes you've had.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 She has intimacy issues which she felt open to discuss with you. You have jealousy issues so allow her to help you with those. I do agree that it is time to see a professional about your issues. You need to figure out why you feel like this and how to deal with it. Sure allow her to come on sessions to see how it all goes. I hope it works out and you get the help that you need.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 May 2017):
 I'm glad you were able to open up to her an she has been supportive, she sounds like a great woman.
Best of luck with getting over your issues
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): Thank you all for the replies - it really is much appreciated.I have spoken to my other half about my fears and anxieties, etc and she has been very understanding and patient with me. I told her that she has no blame in the way I am feeling, as it is all my own doing and I am looking to find a way to ovecome my troubles.Like some of you have suggested here, she also suggested that seeing someone or a counsellor might help, and she even said she would be willing to come along with me for support.I really do want this to work because, as I said in my original post, we have come around full-circle since our school days and she really is a wonderful person who I really do feel a special connection with.So, I will take steps now to hopefully work out this mess in my head!!Thanks again to you all.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (9 May 2017):
You need to see a counselor and get yourself sorted before you ruin this relationship. Explain to her that just as she as intimacy issues you have trust issues. Promise her that you are going to get help with your issues and then follow through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): I think getting hurt in a relationship is one of the worst feelings in the world. It isn't like a broken bone that heals, it stays with us sometimes throughout our life. I think to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we actually cause it by self-sabotaging a good relationship.
The good news is you know you have these issues. A good counseling could help you work through whatever is causing this. Also, communicate to this woman you are seeing, I'm sure it would mean a lot to her to know you are willing to work on yourself in order to have a lasting relationship with her.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 May 2017):
Talk to her.
If she knows how you're feeling then she may be able to understand and help the issue. If you keep it bottled up and keep acting like an ass with her then you will ultimately sabotage your own relationship.
Communicate with her and if she cannot help with your problems then you may need to seek the help of counselling.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 May 2017):
 You have recognized you have a problem. PLEASE get help to sort it out. I say that because, being human, what we tend to do is start off with the best intentions but then, when the going gets difficult, we back off and just slide back into our old ways and convince ourselves it will all be ok. You know from past experience it will NOT be ok.
If you have not already done so, open up to your lovely girlfriend and tell her EXACTLY what you are feeling and what help you are going to get so that she knows you are working on not saying things to hurt and upset her.
You have the best reason to sort this out. Don't blow it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 May 2017):
 There was an uncle here, Yos, who has submitted some insightful responses. Go through his old posts and you should find things to help you long term and short term.
Link to his profile: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
The one thing I disagree with him on is the belief that this is a 'uniquely male issue', so don't be too quick to dismiss something that might help you just because you believe a woman couldn't possibly understand.
I will add my own suggestion that you treat this the way you would any form of OCD.
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