A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have two men in my life and can't choose between them. It is causing me great turmoil, so much so, I have lost my job and I am overall not handling things well.I had (guy 1) as the end all be all. Completely fallin' in love with him and wanted to marry him. I got very sick (cancer) at 23, he was unable to deal with the stresses that came along with that and I was no picnic either. We split on bad terms and I called him back into my life after a few months. We have maintained a friendship for 3 years now. We connect on many levels.(Guy 2) He was just a new friendship around the time I got sick; met him in school. He was a friend who turned into boyfriend really because I was so greatful for all he had done for me through those tough years. Now I love him and have always cared about him deeply. My family loves him to death, so much so that he is now living in my parents guest house and I cant bare to go by there. When I am forced to by guilt and a lack of place to go I end up so enamered by guilt I sleep with him to make up for my absence.Now I have told him for the second time I want my old boyfriend back; or at least that I cant decide on either of them. When things go wrong I run to the other one I can't take it anymore!Please Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): You know what I think, I think that you should listen to your heart to tell you where HOME is. You know that feeling you had when you came home from school and went into your bedroom kicked off you shoes dropped down your school bag and went out to see what mum was cooking for dinner. You could totally be your self cause its just mum n dad. That feeling is home. You should take away the sex side of these men and the who excites me the most, and just see how you feel with each of them.Whom ever gives you that HOME feeling then work it out with that one.There's No Place Like HOME!!!(Just ask Dorothy)That's what it came down to with me. It was the only thing that made sense. It gave me my answer too. I'm working things out with my husband cause I do Know that what he does wrong he really doesn't mean. And Hes HOME. I am comfortable and I completely feel like my self with him. I even sleep soundly at night with him next to me like I can breath easily.The other guy although really lovely and I feel a connection with Is not HOME not in my heart of hearts. So that's over, and I feel Soooooo much Better. A big BIG load off.P.S If none of these men make you feel that then neither one of them is the one for you.Hope that helps
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did push guy 1 away, for good reason he was abusing drugs to deal with the situation. He's complex with anger issues to start with, but as the years roll on I still love him. He has made great strides of improvement in his life no drugs and has obstained from drinking for 3 weeks now. I have not picked up a drink in 8 months. Yeah for me!
Guy 2 makes me laugh. But, there is no way I would have started a relationship with him had I not gotten sick. I never really looked at that before. So thank you.
Guy 1 built this house that we designed together and since I have lost my job I have been wiring up electric, spackling, picking out tile with him, and color schemes. I just got a text from guy2 saying his boss wants him to stay till the end of the month.
They both know about eachother and were once sort of friends when I was in the hospital guy 2 kind of liked guy 1 little sister before I got sick. Understand this relationship started a year plus later.
They are both sick over the situation and I have not slept with guy 1 since I have been staying here. Just cause I want things ended with Guy 2 first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): I've have had Two men in my life for Three years now. How I hate it. Although it may be for different reasons to yours, is besides the point. And it isnt so great. One of them Ive been in and out of love with for Twenty years. One who's life style was totally different to mine but, love beats all they say!
I also had Four children with him. This alone left me with no self confidence as he never cared when the kids were little what realy hurt me. Then he did what mattered to him. I stuck it out and as I and the children got older, I found a new freedom. And although through depression did silly things. Like go out for a change instead of him. (I used to be a prisoner to him going out, as I had no babysitter) And he knew that. His brothers were his focus, Not me. And other things like Maraguana Cannibus.)Which he knew I hated. But did everyday and a few times a day.
I met the other man playing the slots in hopes of escaping my life. We had a connection like I already knew him. He served me thats all. I had lots of other guys hitting on me and Never took an interest. But he was different.. Like a past life.. It was as if I already knew him with out words.
I sold up my home and everything 4 him.. In an attempt to have a new life and give my kids a happy mum instead of a miserable one.
If only my husband could have let me go and not cried and been so devistated that he couldnt even see his children I would not be in this confused place Im now in.
You see My husband left me and his children four times before I left. It was as if all those years he thought he had power over me and when he lost it he was devestated. I only ever wanted to be a family I might add. But just not with the crap that came with my husband, and as the years passed the crap became worse.
I felt like I hurt many people, but realy every body has a part to play in Torn and Triangular relationships. Its not just your fault. People hurt you sometimes to the point that you get lost.
Try being happy in yourself and making the here and now be your only focus. Not the future nor the past, Just now and try looking up the (Holosync meditation on the net) Buy it, it may save your life. Put it onto your Ipod etc in the format for multipull levels of recording as it is subliminal, and takes you to very deep levels of a Buddist Monks state of meditation. It maybe a cheating way but It realy works.
There's more if you are interested. None of this is about being a tart or a cheating person, theres always a deep reasoning for our emotions.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 You have had to deal with more in your young life than many people have to face in a lifetime. My son had to deal with the same situation and it was very hard to watch from the outside. Much like your relationship, it did cause them to separate. I'm not sure that men are as strong as women when it comes to a spouse having cancer, or dealing with cancer, my apologies to anyone else reading this, but that has been the experience within my own life. It's disappointing when you have a relationship that breaks down in the middle of all of this.
At this point in your life, it might be simpler to be on your own for a while. Clear your head. I always think that life gives you a crisis because you need to pause and reflect on yourself instead of everyone else. You won't have any peace until you decide what to do with both of these men, and it may well be time to move on.
You can't build a relationship on gratitude alone, and sleeping with him is giving him false hope. It's too bad that he is living in your guest home, and it makes it far worse when you can't say no because of proximity. You need to make a decision about him first. Talk with your parents about how uncomfortable him living nearby is and how you are confused and how ingratiated you are to him for his help in the past, but the relationship has run its course and you can't move on until he moves out.
I would reflect on everything that happened with the boy that couldn't handle the crisis. Life hands us a lot to deal with, and he kind of flunked the test. I'm sure that you were a lot to deal with, but that WAS the test. That was okay, that happens when you have cancer, we all don't do well with it, but it does show you who is willing to go through hell and high water with you. If it were me, I'd be worried about the next test, or about raising kids with him if he couldn't handle what you went through in the past, it would make me a bit worried about the depth of his love and how strong his character was.
I'm not sugar-coating this at all, but that's what I would worry about if I were in your shoes. I'm kind of wishing that you will be really selfish and pour yourself into your passion right now, and find out a lot more about you and what you want to do do with your life - free from any relationship worries. You deserve to have some fun and be young and not worry about anything for a while!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 No person is complete. It is like you need to take both vitamins for your well being.You need the support of both.Do not feel troubled. Those men are not complaining.I am sure you can work out with them as they are.
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A
female
reader, autumnleaves07  +, writes (2 February 2008):
I feel for you, it sounds like you've been through a lot at a very young age. But as dearkelja said, if guy 1 couldn't be there for you when you were going through tough times, he's he really somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with? It sounds like maybe you really need time away from both of them, to work out what you really want, if either of them. It's not fair to you or them to be in this limbo, and at the end of the day only you can make the decision. Do the guys know about each other? If so, that must be pretty tough...imagine if the boot was on the other foot and you were one of those guys. You need to take your time and think about what you really want...are you looking back at guy 1 and your relationship with rose-tinted spectacles? I wish you luck and hope that everything turns out alright...
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A
male
reader, Chris121 +, writes (2 February 2008):
Obviously I can't tell you the intricacies of what your feeling and how to sort it out, no one can, but I can give you an opinion from a third perspective.
Going PURELY on what you've said, I would have imagined that the 2nd is more likely to stand by you in times of difficulty and is the kind of person you would want beside you your whole life. At the same time though, you mentioned that you went out with him mainly because of the support he gave you. Ask yourself: if circumstances had been different, would you have liked him in that way?
As the first came first (obviously) I'm guessing your feelings would be stronger towards him, but are probably marred by the way he responded to rough times.
no-one on this site can make a life changing decision such as this for you, but perhaps we can clarify the situation for you. I would certainly say though that you are not ready to settle down with either, because which ever you choose, you'll always ask yourself: "What if..."
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Take a good clear look at the two men in your life and really you need to choose which one, if either of them, you want to be in your life. It could very well be that neither of them are good enough for you but that you are just hanging onto them because it is what you have. That may be why you can't choose one of them.
Now, if you say you really are in love with guy number 1, then I think it is best to not continue to run back to guy number 2. Try to fall back on a girlfriend when things go wrong instead of the guys.
You have been through a lot with cancer at a very young age. Don't mistake greatfulness for love. If you are greatful for guy number 2's friendship and support during your hard times, then that is what it is. It is possible to love someone without being in love with them. I am concerned that guy number 1 was not able to be there for you during your toughest time or was it that you pushed him away?
I'd say you have some thinking to do about what you want out of a relationship.
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