A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for 8 years now.Of course my significant other watches porn and at first I had no problem with it but now it seems to be a huge problem for me.We went to having sex all the time to where he couldn't keep his hands off me to 1x every month or two.I catch him watching porn on his computer all the time and downloading and saving pics of other women from computer. I asked if he was cheating and he swore he wasn't.Anytime I'm in the mood for sex he rejects me telling me no he's tired or my attitude turns him off.I feel so hurt unwanted, ugly and not sexy!I tried to do all in my power to get him intrested in me but he seem's not to be.I'm only allowed to have sex when he want's and he doesn't even satisfy me anymore.I'm tired of fighting about the way I feel.Can someone help explain to me.I really do not want to cheat but I feel I have no other choice sometimes cause of all these emotions and no satisfaction.What should I do? or say? or act? I'm so confused. My self esteem is going away all I do is cry. Thanks for those who respond!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): he talks to me any kinda way and when i do it to him its a big issue.we been together for 2 1/2 years and like u we use to have sex all the time.and know he cant even satisfy me at all my ex get me at least 4 rounds a day and with him it like 1x a day.i was this size when he meet me now its i need to lose a few pounds.wtf.i dont know what to do leave him or just cheat.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I do not think cheating is the way. I would not consider cheating an appropriate decision for any situation. I would confront him and discuss the problem. Let him know how you feel, and if he will not listen, then he obviously doesn't care about you enough. If he is making you feel this way and will not listen or try to do anything to make you feel better, then maybe this is not the man for you. There's plenty of men out there in the world and you should not feel compelled to remain in this relationship because its "convenient" or "the right thing to do".
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Why are you there? Why do you allow him to treat you in this way? Don't you realize you are an important, special person and you need to stand up for your right to be treated with respect? It's not you, the reason he acts this way. It's him. It sounds like he may be a bit addicted to his porn. Just like any other addiction, it's blinds the addict and they become detached from others.
Why do you feel you need to fight about your feelings. He all ready doesn't have respect for you. Fighting isn't going to change that. You also said you tried hard to keep him interested. Relationships are work, but not that hard of work.
I will tell you this, it continues, because you let it. We really do teach others how to treat us. Teaching them to treat us with respect, sometimes has to be a demand. It's OK too. If he talks down to you, you have the right to tell him "I'm not going to take you talking to me that way." You have the right too because you are your own person. No one has the right to treat you less than you deserve to be treated. If they do, put your foot down, and say "No, you will not treat me that way."
You also have the choice, if they do to spend time with them or terminate interaction.
The first step in having any good relationship, is to have a good relationship with yourself. Without that, you haven't set what you are and are not willing to accept from others. And you allow your morals and beliefs to be compromised.
Let me ask you this. Are you a cheater? Is cheating something you believe is an OK behavior? If the answer is no, then your last sentence shows you're willing to compromise who you are by the actions of someone else. I was in a relationship for a year with a lady who has a very violent disorder. Bad place to be. I never once cheated, all though I'm sure she had. The reason I didn't is because that's not who I am. Her behavior could not force me to go against my own moral belifs. That's like saying, I'm willing to stoop to your level. The lower you go the more I'll toss my beliefs out the window to keep up.
What I think you need to do is tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. His behavior is definately out of context for being appropriate in any relationship. Buy him a jar of vasoline and tell him to enjoy his computer, because you deserve better.
Take care and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank all of you for your thought's and opinion's on this matter. I really do not know what to do yet, but knowing I got such good answer's I feel better. Especially now that you all gave such sincere answer's. THANK YOU!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 If you want him to come to your terms , you need to leave him and be separated for a while. Then , he will realize and appreciate you. You need to get back your rights.If you don't leave, you will get worse and worse treatment from him.
Prepare for this eventuality.
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A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I don't think cheating is the correct answer, as that is him and his attitude debasing you to his level. I think you should pluck up the courage and leave this guy. walk out with your head held high and take back your self respect. he has taken so much from you already - don't let him take your spirit. good luck and I hope you find someone who deserves you and can make you happy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I totally agree. You would be better off without this guy. Is there somewhere that you can go? This isn't a working relationship anymore and it's destroying your self-esteem. I would seriously consider leaving him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): okaaay, in short- leave. it really sounds like realtionship ran its course. i mean, look, you could talk to him and his porn addiction, but i guess you already had, and that didnt work.
8 years is quite awhile, but if it isnt working, it just isnt working.
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A
male
reader, Chris121 +, writes (2 February 2008):
We always have a choice in life, and i certainly believe cheating is not the answer. I'd say that 9 out of ten answers on this site boil down to: talk to them, so saying likewise for this will hardly be revolutionary.
His infatuation with pornography I believe is unrelated, as it would never compare to the actual experience. But, it's my opinion that as a man, it is my obligation to make my girlfriend realize how loved and wanted she is, and no boyfriend should ever make you feel otherwise. Ask yourself if there's anything really left in the relationship, I don't think I should be the reason for the break-up of such a substantially long relationship, but it seems that it has got to the stage where it is only getting you down.
He needs to come to terms with the fact that it is a two way street, and he equally needs to put something in himself whether he feels like doing it or not. You CERTAINLY shouldn't feel ugly or unwanted because of the feelings of one (obviously selfish) man, as there are undoubtedly millions of men who would give you the respect you deserve. Whether you go find them, or try to rekindle your love for your boyfriend is entirely up to you. The only guide I can give you is: choose the one road that will make you happiest.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (2 February 2008):
 He may not be cheating on you with another woman, but he is still cheating on you. If he's more interested in porn than you, you need to give him an ultimatum . . . either the porn goes or you go. And mean it. Who knows, you might get lucky and he'll want you to go. A blessing in disguise. You'll be better off.
Good luck.
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