A
female
age
36-40,
*oxyb
writes:I am a young lady, with fairly severe jealousy and self esteem issues. I have been dating and living with my boyfriend for 3 years. 2 of those years, we haven't been getting along. He was ignoring me, resorting to alcoholism and occasionally flirting with other women (and had "crushes" on other women) because he was so fed up by my jealousy, paranoia and demand for attention and he would never talk about our issues, he just wanted to get drunk and ignore them. And so we eventually drifted apart, he continued to ignore me, then a couple of months ago, I met someone else.The other man I met has much more in common with me, and he is amazingly sweet and handsome but argumentative when he doesn't get his way. I cheated on my boyfriend with him, and he gave me everything my boyfriend wasn't giving me (like compliments, sweet nothings, telling me how much he wants me).But I couldn't bring myself to leave my boyfriend because I still loved him and I was scared to leave my comfort zone and start a brand new relationship. But eventually we had a fight and he broke up with me so I admitted to him that I was cheating...and after he found this out he was suddenly in love with me again, saying he will quit drinking and give me the attention I deserved and just promising to fix all the things that had gone wrong and saying he understood why I cheated on him. But after admitting to cheating, I thought we would go our separate ways and I would be with the other man. I didn't expect the reaction I got from my boyfriend AT ALL, and what's more is I actually believe he wants to try, but I worry also that he might just be reacting this way because his ego has been wounded.Now the other man tells me that he can't bare losing me and has to stop talking to me because I went back to my boyfriend and now he feels used. And I am wondering if I have made the right choice going back with my boyfriend and just believing he will change. I feel like I could be missing out on a new start with this other man, but if I go with this other man, I fear being hurt all over again.I just don't know what to do and who to choose!
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on my boyfriend, drunk, flirt, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Foxyb +, writes (13 April 2011):
Foxyb is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice guys. I guess ultimately i am scared of being alone. I will work on ME before I work on a RELATIONSHIP. I just don't see how I can leave my current relationship and be alone without getting depressed and going even more downhill.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Choose neither.
Get yourself a new life, before you get yourself a new man.
If you don't, you will do this all over again.
"my jealousy, paranoia and demand for attention"
Because you are so insecure, hurt, and fearful, that you can't ever believe anyone would ever want you for yourself.
What was done to you from the age of 0-21? That is what you are reliving.
You want help, get professional counseling help.
...............................
A
male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (12 April 2011):
Cupidus is right. I've seen several of her replies to posts; she hits the nail on the head every time. Couldn't have said it better.
...............................
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Fix your self esteem issues first, than you won't want either of these men. These RS's are full of manipulation, regret, impulse and addiction.
Yuck, who needs that?
You get a good you going and move along.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): I'm a male.
First things first. How long have you been seeing the new man? Does he truley want you? I think he may. He is respecting your choice. But he still wants you. Talk to him see what the new man is thinking. If he truly wants you and has know your situation he would have been telling you his wishes prior to this.
For the other one you gave him 2 years he didn't change. People do and will change. If you can't say that you aren't going to ever let your self grow we all grow and change. This one however will change he will for you. The problem is that he will change only for a short time. In a year or so if not less you will be with the same man as a year ago.
I took the time to reply.Please take the time to update us.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Well, its up to you, but my recommendation is that you choose neither.
You say you have "fairly severe" issues of jealousy, self-esteem, paranoia and demand for attention from the man you're living with. Three years together and only the first year was half-way decent......presumably you got on well when you first started dating. You must have or you wouldn't have moved in together to begin with. He has his problems too - alcoholism, not wanting to work things out....no doubt he was sweet and nice to start with, BUT there are bound to be issues that come up sooner or later in any relationship.
The other man doesn't sound so great either - maybe a bit spoiled since he becomes argumentative when he doesn't get his own way.
You won't be happy with either one - or any man unless you can begin to come to grips with your "demons." Once you do, and you start to feel more self-confident and happy being independent, taking care of yourself while at the same time enjoying your family/circle of friends, being involved in activities you like, you'll find that people will be drawn to you.
They - men - will see you as an attractive woman who has a lot of positive qualities to bring to a relationship, (instead of depending on a guy to make you happy).
What were your living arrangements before you moved in with the man you're now with? Did you have your own place, or were you with your parents? Could you move back with them, or else get another apartment?
Would you be willing to consider counselling to assist you with overcoming your issues?
Hope this helps!
...............................
|
