A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey guys, ill try not to do a novel :)this will be a question that may need some agony aunt devotion . i will appreciate answers to my full extent, i promise.so..my girlfriend of over 2 years now hates me, here are our issues:my gf says i changed the music she likes because i always criticize her. (i criticize the music sometimes because im a musician and i recognise morals and talent in music. she changed early on because she wanted to impress me, being someone else)her and her friend slept in the same bed as this guy that likes my gf (he told her) and hes a new friend to her. i slept in the same bed as two of my mates once, a guy and a girl but i knew them forever, the girl didnt like me more than a friend so i think its different.this same guy came over to cook my gf and her mum dinner, i was supposed to be there but my gf wanted space so i left asap. i didnt know about this dinner til just before it happened. still dont know if he slept over.she hates that i am into conspiracy and actual facts about the justice system, the economy, the monetary system, capitalism, consumerism, advertising and modern empty music decaying the morals of society.she thinks i control who shes friends with but indirectly. i do however express my opinion about the bad ones and ive turned out right every time. i thought it was just me looking out for her."i have changed so much as a person because of you and i want to become what i was before i met you."she had a suicide plan, cut herself, had no self esteem, let herself be used and didn't stand up for herself before she met me. these are all fact."in a way you have control over me. you're passively misleading and manipulative. and if i don't believe something you say. i can't speak up about it. because it turns into an argument."this is one of our main problems. i do not control her, but i know she believes i do because i have strong opinions. she does control me though. eg bed time, when to wake up, what im doing every day, basically my life.im terrible at romance. we live together on a farm with her mum so its hard to take her out when i still need to pass my drivers test. i do get her chocolates, flowers, giver her foot rubs and comment on how beautiful she is.she wants me to cook her dinner but im a terrible cook so i just help then clean up. but shes said its not enough.she thinks everything is my fault and doesn't ever believe me anymore. she hates me but i love her. we are on a break currently. she wanted it.i need help, i believe she is the one. i really don't believe im as bad as she says i am. i have never been unfaithful to her. she treats me like shit and doesnt seem to love me and to her its my fault. im always affectionately ignored.please help me :(is it really me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): i AM blinded by feelings. its hard to know when to trust them. looking at whats happening it doesn't make sense to stay with her if shes unwilling to help herself. my biggest fear has been losing her and always has been.she would have felt pressure to change because of my strong opinions, i have some anger deep in me and maybe at times i did go too far and shove opinions down her throat or said too often. i don't think i did but maybe. im just thinking maybe it is me... or partly at least. my parents, her mum and my friends are on my side because they believe me. i don't know about her dad. they have never had it out for her but they see what shes doing to me mentally. she thinks i treat her like shit and need to man up. i have been struggling with depression for years, in the last few months its been worse and we've been worse, i dont know what came first. if i ever seem like the victim she accuses me of stealing attention and im weak. i always try to show her shes loved through affection, i thought that was under being romantic. im so confused. thanks so much for your help. i just want my girl back, we used to be inseparable and were the envy of every couple. maybe i got boring. i'm fighting for love. i don't want to just try, i have to try my best. probably being unfair to me in the mean time. hope dies last right?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): You're most welcome, it's a pleasure! I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position though. From what you've written in your Followup, it sounds like your girlfriend has character disorders. I'm by no means a professional, but I have a very close family member who's been suffering from that very condition for years... so I do recognise the signs. I have to be honest with you: without sincere effort on the part of the sufferer, it's something which is pretty much impossible to fix. From personal experience, a character disordered individual has very self-destructive tendencies - and like a drowning person, will almost inevitably pull you under with them.
But don't let this discourage you completely. The bottom line is, if your girlfriend realises *she* has genuine problems and is willing to work them out, there's a chance. At the moment, her focus is wrong: *you* cannot make her happy, in the sense that she'll never be satisfied as long as her perception is faulty. You're not the one who needs to try, because that's all you ever do. Ultimately, your girlfriend is the only one who can help herself – with the *support* of others. Do you see what I mean?
OP, you're more than welcome to private message me at any time if there's anything more you think I could help you with. If not, I wish you all the very best with this. Remember, once you've done all you can, you can't do any more. And nobody could hold that against you x
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A
female
reader, angelalb  +, writes (16 December 2011):
Sounds like she had issues before she met you. It is not good to start off a relationship that way. To have you leave so she could cook another guy dinner oh no that would not fly. That says to me she doesn't care about how you feel.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 December 2011):
You both are simply too different to live in harmony. This seems to be obvious enough. A lot of people have differences, sure, but some people learn to be with each other and let those differences go. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to want to do this; apparently to her, one of you must change their views in order to work (or in her case, impress one another) or else it will lead to arguments.
I know you think that she's the one, but why do you think this when she treats you like shit? I think you're too blinded by your feelings of her to see the real person she is. She's someone who takes her own insecurities out on other people; she's already blamed you for her changing as a person, when she is the ONLY one in control of what she wants/likes/dislikes/accepts.
This may sound harsh, but turn the tables on her. If she wants to go back to being the person she thinks she was before you were together, tell her to go for it. Tell her to live her life however she wants and that if she honestly thinks for one second, that you manipulated her and didn't care for her, then you'll have no part in her life anymore. Sometimes, people need to see for themselves that the grass is, in fact, NOT greener on the side. Remove yourself from her life, and let her see just what she's missing when its finally gone.
This isn't condoning mind games or anything like that; I honestly think that you should take a break, if not break up. She obviously needs to be alone, and you could use some time to yourself as well. Just be sure to use this time apart to better yourself. Don't sink down to the level of self pity and wallowing; she already treats you like shit when you're together, don't let her treat you like shit when she isn't even with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): hey thank you for such an in depth answer and taking your time to help me.
first ill answer your question. she has had counselling with 2 separate people. none psychologists/psychiatrists though. i keep trying to get her to see one. she says she doesn't trust anyone but me and takes it as an offense that i suggested it.
i think she cant handle being wrong. even if it destroys our relationship it seems. she always admitted being wrong around the start and this seems like some kind of revenge. though i was older and she was just naive to a few things. i never hold it against her.
i have tried talking to her, its ends up being heated as much as i try and keep it calm she just says the most hurtful things like she doesn't love me then says she didn't mean it and that she loves me just she doesn't know how much anymore. she always says "you never" etc even if she never does the same thing either. she does project, that is SPOT on (good work) and i am aware of that i just don't know how to deal with it. she thinks i treat her like shit when she in fact treats me terribly.
i think she has gotten spoilt after me treating her well. i think this is a respect and appreciation issue. she doesnt know her boundaries either. ill try talk but with her mindset i think itll be useless.
"i just don't want to be unhappy anymore. and if you believe you can make me happy again, i'm willing to try counselling. and if you're not going to try. then it can't be" - her
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): No, it's not you. From everything you've written it's clear that your girlfriend has some rather deep issues which were affecting her before you became a part of her life. Some aspects of your character and behavioural traits are simply exacerbating these problems, but of course it isn't intentional on your part. You don't sound like a controlling person at all in my opinion; it's very unfair of her to say that you've forced her to change, because as far as I can tell you've never put direct pressure on her to alter her likes, dislikes, personality etc. That was her decision. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion as long as they don't ram it down others' throats! My boyfriend and I are very different in many ways – we're not partial to the same sort of music (he's a musician too, and often jokingly criticises me for my "lack of taste"), have quite dissimilar lifestyles, and don't hold the same religious beliefs. Nonetheless, we make it work, because we both respect one another's individuality, choosing to learn from each other's differences instead of letting them drive a wedge between us.But to go back to your question, I think you have to be very honest with yourself. On the one hand you really love this girl and are obviously willing to do all that you can to make it work, but on the other "she treats [you] like s***" and "she said it's not enough." A relationship can only work if both people are willing to meet halfway. Your girlfriend says that you control her, yet you're the one feeling controlled – that's projection (in the same way that a cheating partner will sometimes accuse their own partner of cheating). As for the fact that she wanted a break, I must admit, personally I don't believe in breaks. For me, you're either together or you're over, but that's just my opinion. However, in any case the desire for a break indicates some serious dissatisfaction on the side of the party who asked for it, so I think the time has come to have a serious talk with your girlfriend. You need to make it clear that while you love her for who she is, all relationships require give and take. You won't be able to see eye to eye over everything, but your differences don't need to put distance between you. See how she responds to such a talk. Ultimately though, you must do what's best for you. Much as we care about certain people, we can't always save them from themselves. Has your girlfriend ever had counselling or anything for the self-harm etc.? For now, just have a no-pressure chat with her about how you feel, and see if there's any chance of moving forward from here. If at the end of the day your differences are simply irreconcilable though, at least you'll know you did everything you possibly could. Good luck and take care :)
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