A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband's iphone beeped tonight with an SMS coming in, while we were in the car together. He was driving, so i just picked up the phone for him, and happened to notice a female name that i didn't recognise, and a message saying "is it ok to txt you now? Feeling a lack of nice texts today". i was a little taken aback, but felt sure there was a reasonable explanation. I handed him the phone and said who is "xxx", and he said "i don't know" i said, oh, but she's texted you this... he seemed angry/confused and stalled a while saying i'm just trying to think...then with some prompting from me, eventually said 'she's just a doctor i met, i've been giving her some help with a problem she was having. i said what problem, and what does she mean by "i'm feeling a lack of nice texts"? He replied that he has been supportive to her and that's what she is referring to. From his manner I would guess he is lying. I am generally a very trusting person, though he has cheated before in our 16 year marriage. we got over it and i have never doubted him recently. But his story about this woman didn't add up, and he got shouty and defensive when i questioned him. I stayed very calm and said, "well lets reply to the text". He refused. Eventually i got upset, and he showed no concern whatsoever, even mimicking me. When i refused to return his phone he eventually admitted the texting has been 'inappropriate'. i then retrieved a deleted text where he says "i need a picture of you to look at". And then i found the picture. It's pretty obvious what has been going on, but he won't give me any more details. apart from "nothing has happened". I feel desperately upset but he shown no concern or remorse, just says a defensive 'sorry!' like a child would. He hasn't acknowledged my feelings at all and says i am bullying him. He has now gone to bed leaving me crying. I still have his phone, but he is demanding it back before he goes away this weekend. Help! what do i do? we have 4 children whom we both cherish. I am in my 40's and he in his 50's.
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (20 November 2011):
I am so sorry. You are right - you cannot fix the coldness in his heart or make him appreciate you the way he should and you deserve to be treated. Give the therapy more time if you want -- or Maybe some time apart?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the past week has been a roller coaster for me. I went to the therapist ( on my own, he goes on monday, then both together). It was good to talk, and she confirmed that my current approach is right if I want to attempt to rebuild the marriage. I am being conciliatory, attempting to fulfil all of his needs, being a 'good wife'; smiling through it all. despite the pain/confusion in my mind. It hasn't been easy but it has been good. We have touched on moments of recapturing our early happy days. And the sex has been a revelation! So I was feeling really positive. Until last night. Our 16th wedding anniversary . We had made a booking at a really special restaurant. I had my hair done, bought a gorgeous new dress and was feeling great. So excited. But I guess my expectations were too high. I thought he would appreciate the effort and give me some special attention. I suppose I was fishing for some of that fun and flattery that he seems to dole out to other women. And when it didn't come I felt sad. So he starts saying things like 'what's your problem, and forgoes sake cheer up. The more he does that, the less I feel able to talk. So I shut down and he gets frustrated and furious . Needless to say it all ended in tears (mine). I don't know what I expected...flowers? Present (I'd got him one)?attention? Something symbolic to say he's sorry? Or just to have my feelings acknowledged? Really don't know if therapy can fix this coldness in his heart?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your answers. I am happy to report that we have signed up for a course of marital therapy sessions - beginning tomorrow! I am going first for an individual session, then he goes alone, then both together. I am feeling v positive about this. BUT I am slightly worried too, that my husband will come accross as charming and the therapist won't see the 'other' side of him which is emotionally abusive towards me. My main aim is to try to figure out if this marriage is worth saving; ie will ge ever change or will I just need to learn to accommodate his behaviour? Do grown men ever change? Do bullies ever stop bullying? If he can't or won't change, then I have decided i want out. I am still young enough (44) to start over. The thing I don't want is to find myself in this same position in ten years time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your answers. I am happy to report that we have signed up for a course of marital therapy sessions - beginning tomorrow! I am going first for an individual session, then he goes alone, then both together. I am feeling very positive about this. BUT I am slightly worried too, that my husband will come accross as charming and the therapist won't see the 'other' side of him which is emotionally abusive towards me. My main aim is to try to figure out if this marriage is worth saving; ie will ge ever change or will I just need to learn to accommodate his behaviour? Do grown men ever change? Do bullies ever stop bullying? If he can't or won't change, then I have decided i want out. I am still young enough (44) to start over. The thing I don't want is to find myself in this same position in ten years time.
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female
reader, CaliCal +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I just kicked out my boyfriend of 6 years, who put me through the same crap. I still love him, but I finally got the courage to get out of the TOXIC relationship. And I know how you feel..like you are not good enough, pretty enough for him to stay loyal to. But I think that womanizing is a sickness. Like alcoholism, or people addicted to gambling. And once a cheater...always a cheater.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Do you work? Do you share funds? Here is what my advice would be...get a tape recorder that you can conceal. sweeten him up a bit try to seduce him get him to confess....get a copy of his cell phone records (but don't tell him)Then give him back his phone. When he leaves for the weekend, pack up all of his personal belongings, and only his personal belongings, rent a truck put them in storage. take out what you need for 3 months, to support your living expenses for your children tjem freeze all of your accounts.on your way home see a divorce lawyer!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): I wouldn't trust him. You should text the woman back (letting her think it's your husband ) and have an casual conversation, get a feel of how she responds. This will give you a sure answer, go from there. A man and a woman can not be just friends, there is ALWAYS an ulterior motive on one of their parts. Ps. You don't deserve to be treated badly.... ;) Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says he looks elsewhere for warmth because I am cold and we don't have much sex. Probably true about me being not a physically demonstrative person. He is gregarious and flirttatious.. The lack of sex is more down to 16 years and 4 kids
.He hasn't apologised yet (not a genuine one) no display of emotion and still no acknowledgement of my feelings.He did cancel his weekend away(it was work), but we've spent the day in the same house and no attempt has been made to comfort me.
Is there any point in trying marital therapy? I'm guessing he won't change his colours. I do believe the texts hadn't gone further than texting, it was clear from the content. But who knows what would have happened next? But it's more his callous reaction to my hurt that has made me feel vulnerable and unloved, rather than the texts themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Any man who could do that to his wife and still sleep at night is not worth having. And he proved to you once and for all that he can do this when he upset you and left you crying while he went to bed. As for mimicking you, well, that's just immature and downright pathetic. He doesn't sound like he's in his 50s at all, he sounds more like he's 15. Besides, if he was doing that means he feels absolutely no remorse for what he's done, not in the past and not now. And he never will. I mean, he's in his 50s and still has the maturity of a teenage boy. If he was ever going to grow up, he would have by now. Anon123 is right. This is most definitely a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater." The way I see it, you have only 2 options. Leave him or learn to deal with the fact that you will have to share him with other women since he is obviously not capable of a monogamous relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): I think what sucks about this whole situation is what one of the other respondents pointed out - that he should be on his knees begging you to forgive him.Instead he has just gone and left you hurt and alone, to sort it all out for yourself whilst he goes to bed.To me, this says it all.This kind of response is something that I recognise. It is the response of an emotionally immature man who a. knows that he has messed up and is betraying your trust but hasn't go tthe maturity to grow up and deal with his own bad tendencies and/or think about and really take on board how much he is hurting you and b. Is also, I think, familiar enough with that situation for it now to have moved on to one in which he is actively manipulating you - by telling you bullshit (sorry, but his excuses clearly are just that) and then dumping you with all of the upset and pain that it has caused (he has effectively not only walked away in the short term by going to bed but will also walk away in the longer term by going away for the weekend and no doubt the even longer term, if you stay with him, by finding so many different ways to be emotionally unavaiable to you) and, I think, playing a power game in which he KNOWS that you adore your kids and so is effectively trapping you, making you feel powerless. This is a crucial turning point. If you stay with him now he will ALWAYS have you in his power, underneath everything else and it will crop up every so often when he cheats again.I am sorry, I know you must be really hurting. From experience, I would say do not get involved at all in contacting the other woman. Keep your dignity in that one - I made this mistake and wish that I hadn't because it only fuelled her sense of power, even though she came out losing in the sense that my man did not and never had wanted her. I dumped him some months later, but still regret even responding to her at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Hun it pains me to say this : he is cheating AGAIN.Where is he going this weekend?U still have his phone: so he either quickly got back to her to fabricate a story if u do call her. Or u are quicker than him. Call her and ask , nicely, what's going on. Just keep as much evidence as possible. Download all info so that if u need to use it later on, u have the correct info. Also be wise: u have 4 kids. There is a possiblity that this "relationship" he has on the side is going to be the downfall of your marriage. So download conversations, pics, telephone numbers. Anything u can get your hand on. Credit card bills ? Start compiling. Fast. Your hb will start covering his tracks as well. Be prepared for this. The other woman will know he is married. Therefore she wanted to know whether it was a convenient time to contact him. So don't expect a shy humble woman: expect a bitch who cares nothing that he is married. Basically his wedding ring means nothing. Know who/what u are dealing with. Know that the other woman WANTS him and will do anything and evertything to keep him. Don't be a foolish wife. Be a proactive one. Starting now. Blow your nose, dry your eyes and start being proactive. Do what u need to to keep him or make his life a living hell if he wants to go.Not a nice place to be but now its survival. And hun, u gotta survive bec u have to have your own back. Your hb sure doesn't.LoveGirl
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Hmmm, maybe while you still have his phone in your hands YOU should text her and tell her to stop contacting your husband because you find her messages offensive and remind her that he is married and has committments with you. Maybe she doesn't even know he has a wife!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): In first place where is he going for weekend without you? Let him go without the phone and make a plan for a call or sms.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 He is cheating on you, there is absolutely no doubt about that. The issue isn't about giving him his phone back, because he could write a thesis on cheating and ways to do it. If you don't give him the phone, he'll call her from another number or get himself a new phone and carry on with his affair. The fact of the matter is, he is unfaithful. Don't ask for details, because it will hurt you. You know enough to know what is going on.
What next?
You need to decide how to deal with it. Cheating is NOT forgivable. Do not let him get away with it and do not keep quiet for the sake of your children, because they will get to know about it anyway. Get away from this man. He is not a good husband or father. I know it is very easy to say so,but do you really think this marriage can be salvaged? Do you think he will give the other woman up and be committed to you? It seems a case of once a cheater, always a cheater. He hasn't even apologized or acknowledged your feelings, let alone explain anything, he's cheap and pathetic enough to mimic you, do you really think this man is even sorry for his actions?
Don't waste any more of your time on him. He has just taken you for granted and is utterly selfish. Please throw him out of your life. Trust me, life will be much better without the fake security which you think you're getting from this marriage. He is not worth anything. do yourself a favor and get rid of him and please don't waste your tears on someone who doesnt deserve it one tiny bit.
Just kick him to the curb. This man needs to be taught a lesson. Throw him out.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (11 November 2011):
 I'm not sure holding on to his phone will accomplish much, but it does appear that he has been indulging in some inappropriate behavior. It's possible nothing has "happened" yet, as he says, but he is definitely being - economical with the truth. But you would probably want to evaluate whether this behavior is acceptable to you personally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Sounds like you need to decide if your prepared for him to be involved with other people while he's married to you, or if you want to be in a relationship with someone who's faithful. Odds are good that he's cheating.
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (11 November 2011):
I am so sorry this is happening to you right now.
First, you don't know that he has physically cheated with this woman at this point, right? Since you still have the phone, can you see all the texts between them. (iPhones save the texts) unless he deleted them.
That being said, He is clearly emotionally cheating on you at the very least with this woman.
At this point, he should be on his hands and knees fessing up and begging you give him a third chance. Maybe he will in the morning. If not, I would seperate from for a few days (tell him to get out ) and let him know that he could lose you.
Good luck.
Xoxo
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