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female
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*weetasadaisy
writes: My ex and I have been split up now for about 8 months. We were together for five years and have known each other for 9 years. It was a pretty bad break up. He called one day, and of course I asked how high when he told me to jump. I'm having a really rough time getting over him, and we were such great friends. Best friends practically. We still have sex and we talk about once a week. I love him so much but I'm hurting bad! How can I move on with no sex, but still friends? Is he just using me for sex? Please, pease help me!!
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best friend, move on, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sweetasadaisy +, writes (22 August 2006):
Sweetasadaisy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst I want to thank each and every one of you for the advice. I thought of alot of things some of you said, but it's always nice to hear it from someone else. I'm gonna see him tonight and tell him I no longer can see him for a while. Regardless if it's months, or years. This is something I really need to do for myslef. Thank you again! I will keep you guys updated. Wish me luck!
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female
reader, sugersweet02 +, writes (22 August 2006):
 im sorry but you cannot be friends with som1 your feelin sexual wiv and have having sex together.i dont think he respects you and why dont he get back together with you because he dont want to so stop making him think your single go for another man and show him you dont need him and meet somone who wants to be with you, not every once a week
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): if he really loved you and had any respect for your feelings then he would not be treating you this way. You are a valuable human being and deserve some one to treat you like one! The best thing to do is to severe all ties with this man. I know it may be hard but as the old saying goes "if you love someone then let them go, if they come back they were yours all along but if they dont then they never were" and that does not mean just for sex. it means for eveything else that comes with a relationship. The cant eat cant sleep feelings. the buzz that you cant get rid of at the beginning, the unexpected popping by ur flat, the Out of the blue i love yous. Dont be a doormat hunny, stand up for your rights as a human being. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): I think it's critical that you really stop and think 'why' you are allowing this to happen , in your life Hormones and the heart are not always the best thing in a woman's life. They get us in trouble and it causes us not to think with our head. You and your ex are having sex once a week, no strings attached. . And yet, you are making the this man 'the center of your universe'. And so the cycle of pain/frustration/ keeps going on.-you are still overwhelmed with loneliness because he's not willing to do the same for you. Because...you love him and you want him to love you back...all your energy and time is being used up in trying to get what you think is affection and approval from this guy. You may be paying a heavy price here to have him in your life...your self-esteem, your pride. As you know, when it comes to a substantial, quality love relationship...love is just not enough. There has to be honor, respect, sacrifice, acceptance, support equal givingness and so on. So as the others have said, you need to get out of this before you totally lose yourself. this is not healthy for you. It's a painful place to be, hun. You need to find the courage to say, "it's over"...not even friends, at least for now. You need time to heal, recover and move forward with your life. You need to find someone who makes "you" feel special, worthy, treasured and beautiful. You will find it but not with this guy. And remember, you have free will to overcome and change. The choice is up to you. Good luck, dear
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Im having exactly the same problem we were together for 2 years and i hang on everyword he says and still love him more than anything. I think that you have to give them a final choice either he wants you or he doesnt your never going to be able to move on wondering what if. People shouldnt have to be treated like this and you dont have to take it ask yourself the question is he really worth it?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (22 August 2006):
 You cannot be 'friends' with him because you had a romantic relationship with him for many years. There needs to be distance between you and him because you still have emotional feelings for him and haven't moved on. Having sex is a bit of a replacement for the sort of relationship you would like with him - but you shouldn't settle for half measures because it is debilitating on your self esteem. It seems he gets everything he wants i.e. friend with benefits and no commitment, but you get nothing of what you want. To redress the balance in your life you need to spend time away from him, stop running when he calls for attention and just leave him alone. You cannot possibly heal those emotional scars when he is in your bed, and you cannot trust yourself to keep the relationship 'friends only' - take control of the situation for the sake of your long term sanity!
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female
reader, camille +, writes (22 August 2006):
 Stop having sex with him and you'll soon find out the answer for yourself! How come you think it's ok that you're good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with? Show him the door! It's all or nothing. You are exes for a reason, give yourself respect and don't sleep with him anymore. I'm not sure you can ever really be friends but one thing's for sure, not while you're having sex and not while you still have these feelings. Give yourself distance and time to get over him, then see if you still even want to be friends with him.
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male
reader, Andy J +, writes (22 August 2006):
 hi...i just came out of a 3 year relationship & im only 19, so u can imagine that it was tough...
but if u want to get over him then you guys have gotta stop having sex, if i did that i would asume we were back together, all i did was go out as much as i could with friends and party and started to speak to loads of other girls and ive actually really started to like another girl only 4 weeks after we split..
(obviously i think about her alot when im not doing anything but seriosly when u go out and do things with friends it takes your mind off it and i promise it gets easier, but if u really wana get over him, uve gotta stop having sex with him)....take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): "Is he just using me for sex? Please, pease help me!! "
There's one way to find out!
You've known each other a long time, you should be OK to have a conversation that goes along the lines of "I don't want us to have a sexual relationship any more but I want to stay friends. What do you think?"
I think then time will tell. Obviously we have no idea what this guy is like. Some will walk away, others will not.
See how it goes. But I do think you are right to want to stop this; you will never let go of those relationship feelings you have for him whilst you are still being intimate. Don't you want to let go so you begin the chance to be ready to meet someone else - someone who wants to be in a relationship with you?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Peter
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): i don't think it's possible to have been with someone for 5 years, and then 'use' that person in the sense that you're referring to. i find it hard to believe that someone can detatch themselves that much so that it's just purely physical. but either way, it seems to me that you need to distance yourself for a while. because if you want to stay friends and stop having sex, like you say you do, then the only way to get to that point is to just go your own seperate ways and take time apart for a while. it's the only way you'll be able to move on. if you guys stay in contact, your feelings will never fade. i recomend just telling him that you need your space, no matter how hard, and if you guys can eventually be friends in the end, then that's great. good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Sorry, but giving him sex just because he asked for it is no way to win him back!
Sex may, for us women, be a way of bonding, but for many men its no more than a way to satisfy an urge. They don't necessarily see it as a commitment.
He doesn't sound as if he respects you at all. Nor does it sound as if he wants to get back together with you on a permanent relationship - in fact, if he wanted commitment, he wouldn't have agreed to break up in the first place, would he?
Perhaps you should think about telling him "no sex" and when you do, stay with that decision. Don't let him talk you into changing your mind! You'll see how he responds. If he disappears it will hurt, but at least you will know you have done what you think is best for you, and that will ease the hurt.
You deserve better than this one!!
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