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female
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anonymous
writes: Where to start? One year ago I began to feel suspicious of Wes's behavior (We have been together 2.5 years). He told me I was "crazy", had to stop it when I questioned him, and even told me to have "faith". Exactly three days after telling me I had to have such faith, I discovered he was calling phone sex lines. One call led to him giving his cell number to a woman that he talked sexually with for 3 hours; with the following two days consisting of several text messages back and forth. Initially he told me he only talked with her for 15 minutes because he suddenly questioned, "what am I doing? I have a great girlfriend". Of course, after I called the woman he had no choice but to admit that was a lie and the call lasted 3 hours in addition to the text messages. At that time he swore I was an "awesome girlfriend", he loved me, etc. Six months later I learned he never stopped calling the phone sex lines...despite having told me the first time that after seeing how hurt I was that he could never hurt me again like that. That last incident was almost 7 months ago and I can't seem to heal. It is not so much that he called the phone sex line as it is that he mindf*cked me thoroughly with the "I realized what I had to lose and so I hung up after 15 minutes" crap. What bothers me most is the manipulation of my emotions (by using compliments) as well as my reality (telling me to have faith, telling me I was crazy for having such suspicions in the first place, etc.)Sometime later after the second incident he told me that the phone sex line was exciting because it was anonymous. He enjoyed listening in on the general rooms...much like a voyeur. And he enjoyed talking with women individually because he knew they would never meet (the woman confirmed he never mentioned anything about meeting...and to his credit, I read in his text messages that he told her he no longer wished to talk with her before I even discovered what he was doing). Oddly, I don't feel threatened by the phone sex thing. I am engrossed/obsessed though now with things hidden...with lies...how my emotions and reality may be manipulated as they were during those times. I can't bear even the thought of it. Counseling is not an option for me due to my professional relationship with all counselors in my area (I live in a very rural place). I do not want to leave him because aside from this problem, we are a perfect match in every other way. But this is a major problem that bears down heavily on the very core of our relationship...it affects everything from our emotional life to the now constant aching and, I feel, slow death of my spirituality in this relationship. How do I forgive such mindf*cking that was so unexpected that I had no glue he was even capable of it?
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female
reader, porscha  +, writes (3 February 2008):
am in the same boat as youself, am 18 and my boyfriend is 21. I love him so much but this has broken my heart!! I first found out about it by mistake on his mobile but never thought anything about it untill i got a £200 house phone bill. We fell out about it and i evan kicked him out but by the second night i coldnt be with out hhim so I told him to come home. He said he didnt knw why he did it all i got from him was it was a one of then started to be an addiction. He pronised he wouldnt do it again untill two days ago, I was getnng my mob number out his phone so I could type a cv and I knew I was the last person he phoned so i pressed the calls button and notices the number. He denied it like he denied it the other times. Am lost and dont know what do do either. Am sorry I couldnt be any help for you.
A
female
reader, camille +, writes (22 August 2006):
 Don't rule out conselling. Counsellors have to keep confidentiality and so what you discuss will remain private. If you think this is definitely in the past then you can work through it. If it has left you not trusting this man, he willl have to earn it back and that will take time. As will getting over the effect his actions had on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): You feel your "spirit" dying in this relationship because the relationship HAS died. I just don't think you can accept that; you want to try and make things work. You want to believe you love each other, and that will be strong enough to get you both through this.
You know, there is a huge difference between someone who cheats, and someone who lies and cheats. The first, I think, can be forgiven. The second - I think not. You should be all your boyfriend needs and wants. That is undisputable fact. He shouldn't need to seek excitment from other women; you have been truely betrayed.
I think you are also fooling yourself in to believing your boyfriend isn't interested in taking a step further and meeting these women. Why would he want to invest spending hours on the phone with her - just for the conversation? I think not. A lot of very personal, intimate things can be said in three hours. THREE HOURS! This affair went well and truely past an innocent, forgivable flirtatious encounter. And if he didn't meet this women; what would stop him from meeting the next?
In cases such as yours, where someone you love is deceiving you, yet using words to confuse you, e.g. they cheat on you, but then justify it with words like "I love you" you really need to block out their words and look at their actions. Actions speak louder than words, right? So - discount every thing he has said and go on the evidence of how he has treated you.
Your boyfriend has told some pretty big lies, not just once, but over a long period of time. I don't think you will ever be able to forgive that, nor do I think your boyfriend will "change his spots"; so to speak.
You are the sort of person who is dedicated, faithful, and will work on a relationship when you see trouble; your boyfriend is not. Some one else used the phrase that "you can either pull the plaster off a sore slowly, or quickly, but either way, it's going to hurt. I think this applies to you. You are emotionally draining away; take action before you have no self-power left and he makes the decision for you.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do ok?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Hi. I can see the main problem that has come from all these "incidents" is the lack of trust you have now developed for him. Talking on phone-sex lines is pretty fucking embarrasing, and your partner probrably respects you enough to be scared of your opinions towards it. He only lied the first time because he was insecure about what he was doing. If you want this relationship to move on just build up trust for him over time. Sit him down and say "i don't want anymore lies, tell me what you have done straight off and it won't be as bad as the lying" . After saying that just try to trust him, make your relationship stronger
good luck!
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