A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi All.I was wondering what you think is an acceptable amount to text your partner? See, I was once in a long term relationship with a girl who would always send a text each day with 'Good Morning' and then 'Good Night' later on, as well as other things like 'Going to the shops - anything you need?' etc - little things like that. Little, short texts which showed that she was being thoughtful, caring and obviously being there for me.I would always respond in the same way and would often send her the same message if I was awake first or went to bed early. This was a daily thing and we both looked forward to each others texts.Now, I'm in a relationship with a new girl (I have written about her only the other day on here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-keep-to-our-plans-or-not.html) and not sure what to make of things.We work in the same place but only see each other in passing or during breaks. During these times my GF will initiate conversation and seem interested. However, out of work she very rarely instigates things like e-mails or texts, but she does always reply to any messages I send her. I'm not saying she never sends me messages, its just that most of the time I feel I'm doing the work and have to write to her in order to hear back from her.I have asked her about this and she said that she's not the best person at replying and her friends often send her messages to see why she hasn't replied to them.I can understand that and I know that texting and e-mailing aren't the best way of communictaion for everybody, but sometimes when you can't be together for whatever reason, it's nice to know someone is thinking about you.There's an article I read online about texting girls and it said: "She is waiting for every text you send her. The hours you spend not texting her, she is thinking about texting you and hopefully (if she’s sane) she doesn’t" (I can provide a link to this if you need it.)Anyway, I was wondering if I should start instigating 'Good Morning' / 'Good Night' texts to my GF and other things like 'Have a good day' etc? Not a lot of them - just occassional thoughtful ones. To be honest, I am at fault with this as I haven't always sent her these types of messages before as I know she never initiates contact first.A friend told me that even though me and my GF are really currently just being friends it's still okay to do this. She would see that I am thinking of her and this might encourage her to text me.Apologies for this very long message, but I would welcome any thoughts or ideas on this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 I could text my bf all day... he HATES texting so I rarely text him. everyone is different... just because they don't like to text does not mean you are not important to them.
I email him important stuff and we talk on the phone as needed...
if he texts me I respond if needed.
if you WANT to text her go ahead..
A
female
reader, belize +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Sounds to me like you are still missing your last GF. You much toD o intense. You're coming across as a bit obsessive.
What when wrong in your last relationship?
Cut her some slack, not everyone is the same, you should appreciate that Its not that important,so long as you care about each other, and your line of communication is open.
See this as a different relationship to your last one. if texting is so important to you then this relationship is not for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Thank you all for your replies so far - you've made some valid points which have given me food for thought!
I suppose I just wanted to do something which showed that I was thinking about my GF when I'm not with her more than about it being a way of getting acknowledgement.
As I said, she does always reply to texts and e-mails that I have sent before, so I'm pretty sure she would reply, but I didn't want to seem needy or clingy by texting her the 'Good Mornings', etc.
Chocoholicforever makes an interesting point about there being possible underlying issues. I suppose with recent events I have become a bit insecure as we have gone from just starting to getting closer and intimate to me almost blowing the situation and the result is we are now in the friendzone. However, I know she still likes me as before as she has been instigating most of the time (coming over to me to chat, flirty gestures, etc) whereas I've backed off a bit in order to give some space - as mentioned in my previous posting of a few days ago.
Pinktopaz and AuntyEm are both right in saying that my GF might prefer talking face to face rather than e-mails, texts, etc. She has said this once before but as we very rarely get to see each other in person in our own time, there's not much option really. This is due to the fact that my GF works as a live-in home help for an elderly client as well as doing a full time job at our works, so her spare time is quite limited for now. Shis is currently looking for her own place though as she took on the care job before finding the full time job. So, she does understand why I can't call her via phone that often.
There is an age gap between us - she is 27 and I am 42. We have spoken about this and as we are on so many levels together it doesn't really make any difference to us. She has even told me she prefers me being my age as younger men tend to be more immature. Luckily, I'm quite a young 42 so I'm not ready for my slippers and coco yet!!
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 October 2011):
 I am with pinktopaz...your friend/gf probably would prefer a phone call especially as you arnt at the stage of being full GF/BF. Its a bit much to expect someone to text you all the time when you arnt even in a committed relationship.
She has given a perfectly good consistent explaination that she doesn't really like texting (I am the same and did actually dump someone who kept nagging me about not sending enough texts...I really liked the guy up to that point)
By fretting over this you are showing how insecure you are and the relationship hasnt even yet begun. Be a man, declare that you want to be with her and do what people did before stupid text messaging took over the world...call her!!!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 October 2011):
Well is your girlfriend in the same age range as you? I'm not trying to say you are "old" because I don't think you are, but I think people of a certain generation just don't really seem to like to text. Obvously, you're an exception, but I'm just basing it off people I know and someone that I'm dating.
I don't see any harm in a good morning or goodnight text as long as you don't take it personally if she doesn't write you back--or it could give her the nudge to communicate more often.
Another idea, she could be giving you the hint that she prefers phone calls over texts. I know it's the digital age and everyone texts, but even I don't fancy texting too much, I prefer a phone call. BUT a nice thoughtful text message would probably brighten anyone's day.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 October 2011):
I think that an 'acceptable amount' of texting is whatever both of you feel comfortable with. if you're both at very different levels of texting habits (as it sounds like), then you should try to reach some compromise rather than one person dictating what the norm should be at the expense of the other.
as you try to reach a compromise, it might help to talk about (or think about, on your own) what the deeper underlying issue is behind your wanting more texting, and her not so much. It's probably not about the act of texting itself, it's tied more to your differing views and perceptions of how "involved" one should be in each other's day to day lives when you're not around each other. So, this may actually be more about personal space and boundaries, or about insecurities, than about texting per se. so if you can talk honestly about what the real issue is, that may help you to work out a compromise or a solution that both of you feel is acceptable or at least help you to better deal with the lack of texting.
and no it's not a given that women automatically want their boyfriends to text them a lot. It's an individual preference.
you can also just go ahead and start sending her these thoughtful texts anyway, but you already know that she's not the kind of person who would stay on top of replying to "non essential" messages so you already know what the likely outcome is going to be (which is that you text her and she doesn't respond). If you're OK with this, then go ahead. if not, then don't set yourself up to get upset...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): your gf simply is not a very texting-oriented or email-oriented person. different people have different preferred modes of communication. And also, some people like to spend more time in communication with others, while other people can only handle so many social interactions in a day comfortably.if you equate no-texting with "she's not thinking about me", well, that may or may not be true. And so what if it is? her behavior is pretty consistent - she also doesn't text her other friends much so I wouldn't see her lack of texting you as a concern. If she was happily texting her other friends but not you, then I'd be concerned.there's nothing stopping you from sending her "good morning" texts on a regular basis whether or not she responds. But if you do it because you're trying to elicit a response from her, then I think you should re-think your strategy because she's already made clear that she's just not that into texting regardless of with whom. You're not going to change her, and if you start up this texting regimen with the goal or expectation that you are, you could just be making yourself really frustrated further down the road (and her as well if you then get mad at her for not changing to suit you) and a better path could be to learn to just accept that this relationship isn't going to be like your last one as far as the frequency of communications.that's not to say that you shouldn't text her "good morning" or anything else that you like, just that if you're gonna do it, it should be because you really do want to wish her a good morning, and not because you expect a response back. altho to be honest I would consider it rude if person-A sent person-B a "good morning" text and person B didn't respond.. (I mean if her boss sent her an email she would respond, right?).. but that's also part of the point, which is that you dont' want her to be responding to you simply out of politeness because then she will see it as a burden and that kills the mood doesn't it?
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