A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is long. but please bare with me. Here it comes, the age-old question, manifested into one very weird situation: What is worse. emotional betrayal or physical betrayal?Here's the story.I am at university right now, i'v just finished freshers' week... it was a blast. However, I have a boyfriend, he is also at uni, just a different one. we are both struggling to cope without each other, we have been together for nearly 2 years, and its weird for us to be apart for more than a day.On the second night of freshers', I got more drunk than I have ever been. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, i will never be in that state again. after coming home from this night, i began to piece together what went on (we've all been there...) and realized with complete horror that i had kissed someone on the dance floor. the more i sobered up, the more i remembered, the more horrendous i felt, the more guilt I had. I love my boyfriend, we are in a very committed, loving, honest relationship. I have to say that in that instance, I hated myself. I really really did. Unless you have experienced this sort of guilt, you'll never know.Anyway. I come back from my night out. still fairly drunk, but more sober than I was when i had been out. I was really, really emotional, i hated myself, i was terrified. If i told him, i was terrified of the outcome.. if I didn't i wouldn't know what to do with myself. It was a stupid stupid mistake, and I needed to tell him. This is when i logged into his facebook. I dont know why, i'v never done it before. we know each other's passwords on some weird 'trust pack' (its hard to explain...). I start to go through his notifications, his wall posts, everything. I guess I just missed him and this was my way of being near him. Then I come across a conversation he had with a girl (a mutual friend of mine and his) from about a year ago, we had been together 9 months by this point:Her-"about last night... im really sorry. we were both drunk, and i didn't mean it to happen"Him-"no it's ok."Her-" are you going to tell your girlfriend?"Him- "No, i dont think so. she can never find out. things between me and her have been pretty shit recently...xxxxx"Her- "Oh how come? you know you can talk to me if you need xxxxx"Him- "Thanks. you're a really great friend. I can never tell **** anything. xxxxx"Her- "if you need to talk, you know where I am ok? xxxxxxxxx"----a few days pass with no conversation----Him- "hey. errrm, yeah it's just been bugging me haha. you know what happened between us, was it just because you were drunk, or did it mean anything more ? ;) xxxxxxxxx"Him- "Because, you know, things between me and *** just arn't the same anymore. And i think im closer to you than I ever have been to her xxxxxxxxx"------end of conversation------ (i have starred out my name, just for privacy reasons)what the hell do I do.This is the most backwards, stupid, complex issue. I'm at a total loss. One part of me wants to own up to my kiss. But the other half wants to just punch him in the face. This happened a year ago, he will undoubtedly say that it was just a blip, and he 'chose me instead' -It doesnt make me any less angry. However, on the other hand, he has every right to be angry with me. If I own up, surely I will be on the moral highground because i told him, he wasnt even planning on telling me..?I am not planning to break up with him. I just want answers, an explanation, i want a chance to vent my anger at him, but at the same time i need to relieve my own guilt.HELP.xxxx
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male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Hi, This is a really tough situation for you to be in.First of all, about the kiss you had whilst drunk, while the guilt is eating away at you right now, you have to understand that this sort of thing happens all the time. Everyday there are people out there getting drunk and doing something stupid that they'll regret in a few hours time. And I'm sure your boyfriend will understand that too.A few years ago, my ex-girlfriend and I were going really well, but one night she went to a friend's party and got really drunk (she almost never drank). The next day she was really sad, sobbing and apologizing to me, she had told me the night before she got drunk and kissed a guy friend of hers. I was really upset about it, and I considered breaking up with her but I saw how guilty she was and how much she regretted it. And on top of that, the fact that she was honest about it showed that she respected our relationship, so I accepted her apology and we stayed together. (we broke up a year later for other reasons entirely).While it might be daunting, I would own up to it. Sit him down the next time you see him and explain in detail what happened and tell him how much he means to you and that you never meant for that to happen. He should see your honesty and forgive you.And on top of that, from the facebook messages, it sounds like he may have had a similar experience with that other girl, so if he did fly off the handle then that would make him the biggest hipocrit ever.If the Facebook messages really are bothering you, then bring it up to him, but you're both more or less on even ground here having kissed another person whilst you're both together.Just remember, all you did was kiss someone whilst drunk, it's not like you were completely sober and had sex with a stranger behind his back. It might be upsetting, but it's best to air out all these problems now, otherwise they'll fester and grow on you the longer you ignore them.Best of luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Yes u need to tell him just be honest with him and tell him that u made a mistake and it was stupid . Beer can make us or anybody do crazy things and make mistake .
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