A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know what I’m going to write sounds kind of strange, and very long but I guess that’s just the way it goes….Since I was a young teenager I was interested in trying smoking but I got the chance once at the age of 14 but I didn’t actually go through with it. Since then it was something I would think of every now and again but it would leave my mind quickly. I think I just liked the way it made some people look and I thought it looked ‘cool’. Just over a month ago, I’m now 22 I got feelings that I wanted to try it for real and I hadn’t had these feelings for years at this point. So I tell my boyfriend (non smoker) and he’s not particularly amused but supported me in trying them as he’s tried it in the past. So I do, and basically it turns out that I kind of liked it. The following day I had another one and this time I really enjoyed it. My boyfriend was very upset about this though as he doesn’t like smoking, He asked me to promise that I wouldn’t smoke anymore and throwaway the rest which I did. Ever since then there has been a problem though, inside I’ve been really wanting more. Not enough to go out and buy a pack but the urges have been there. My boyfriend has had this dream since he was a teenager of his first girlfriend being idealist and perfect in ways like, being together with her forever, each others first time and first kiss ect as well as her not smoking/drinking/doing any drugs. He has also had some very bad experiences with people who smoked so that’s made him slightly uneasy around people who smoke. He also said that he would be very concerned about my health which is fair enough. But he feels as if he's being too controlling saying i can't smoke at all and if i did it would ruin his image of me and it would ‘shatter’ what’s left of his dream (he wasn’t my first time and boyfriend). He loves me and has said he would be with me no matter what even if I did smoke , but doesn’t want to really be with a smoker and if I smoked when we first met he wouldn’t have wanted to be with me. He says that he just wants me to be happy but it feels as if one of us has to give in to the other. I suggested a compromise, that if I’m seeing him that day or he's round etc then I wouldn't touch cigarettes at all , but if he wasn't and i wasn't seeing him that day and if i felt like having one then i would and he wouldn't need to know...but he says he still wouldn't accept this compromise even though this way it wouldn’t affect him at all. We talked about e-cigarettes but when I started finding out more about them he still wasn’t happy as I would still be ‘smoking’.I am fully aware of the health risks associated with the habit, but I guess the reason I enjoyed it was mainly I just loved how it felt…the actions and the motions, the inhaling…. I felt really calm and relaxed whilst doing it and it made me feel more mature and unlike myself (which I loved). I hate the thought of shattering his dream, and I don’t need to ever smoke one again…I can live without it, but it’s just something I enjoyed as recreation and I find myself thinking about cigarettes and smoking often. I’m not a bad person, I work hard at my job, live away from home, don’t go out drinking/clubbing and I don’t do drugs. So I suppose the main question is, "Is there a compromise/solution we can do to make things ok for us both? Do you think he is being overly controlling?"Thank you for reading this :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Get rid of both, and ideas of what perfection is or is not, smoke stinks but so do peoples breath who don't smoke.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): HiI'm not liking what I'm hearing about your boyfriend. Smoking aside. It is not your responsibility to be 'his dream'. He has already insulted you by saying, 'don't shatter what's left of my dream'. How did it make you feel when he said that? Like you've let him down? Like you are not the perfect partner he would want because you had a relationship before him? He is aiming to make you feel less than he would ideally want, so you work hard to please him in the future. Can you hear how horrible and unrealistic he is being? How dare he make you less than you are by not fitting into some stupid, never gonna happen ideal that he has dreamt up? Would you ever treat him this way? Tell him that he has shattered your dream because he dared to have a life before you?His arrogance is breath taking and I sincerely hope you think about this aspect of his behaviour, because as far as you are concerned, he is all about control. When a man starts to fantasize about what a dream girl/partner would be like for him and then tries to impose that ridiculous 'dream' onto a real, living, breathing person with a mind and dreams and a will of their own, then this is when relationships become dangerous and abusive.I have experienced abusive relationships and finally understand and recognise abuse when I see or hear it. This dream woman scenario is central to this type of behaviour. Your boyfriend may well be loving and wonderful in other ways, but his central attitude to you is that you have to fit some ideal that is not necessarily 'you' and in doing this you will be negating and denying who you are. Regardless of whether it's about smoking or not. The worrying aspect is that he wants you to fit some ideal that he has dreamt up and not just love you for who YOU are.I strongly suspect that you are already aware of this, but don't really understand what is happening. Please read a wonderful book to help the partners of abusive people. I understand that you would probably not class your boyfriend as abusive and that's fine. Read the book anyway. Please. There are so many different kinds of abuse out there and this is emotional abuse. Making you feel less than he would ideally want, but doing you a 'favour' in being with you anyway. Do you recognise this feeling anywhere within yourself? That he is making you feel this way? The book is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It is written so sympathetically and so well that it will help you to understand what is happening here.The smoking is a symptom of how you feel in this relationship. Controlled. It is screaming out at me and at you, but you are making smoking the issue. It isn't.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (4 October 2015):
 I think you need to address a few deeper issues here.
WHY do you need to feel "calm"?
What is making you feel stressed that you seek cigarettes as a solution?
I personally have never smoked anything, and never will. So I cannot answer this from personal experience.
BUT... my father was a "secret" smoker for most of my childhood. One of the earliest memories I have is of him lighting up in the garden, with a green plastic lighter, one evening when my mum was out. He used to do it at night, in his car, when he thought people wouldn't see him........ of course everyone knew. He used to eat mints to cover the smell, but it was always on his clothes. There was ash all over the back shelf of the car.
He always denied it. He ended up having to have a triple heart bypass. Even when he first was diagnosed with heart trouble, he still wouldn't admit to the smoking!
I've also worked with smokers. You can smell them before you see them. It really is horrible. Have you seen them all huddled outside in the pouring rain/snow having a fag break? Is that the look you are going for?
You are of an age, where you probably do not remember a time before the smoking ban came in. When going to a pub or restaurant would always result in coming home stinking of cigarette smoke. Your hair, clothes, everything would reek, purely from being in an atmosphere where people were lighting up.
Now we have got clean air - and as a non smoker it is incredible noticeable now when someone is smoking. I don't expect you really do understand the implications of starting on this slippery slope. It only takes a few to become addicted. You are almost there already.
You are naive if you think you would be able to stick to just the odd one. I suspect every single smoker out there originally said that. The majority do not have the willpower and the numbers increase.
Then you have to think about cost. Cigarettes are very expensive now, how much could you save if you put that money into a jar. A holiday? A car? ....
Don't do it. Value your relationship, your fresh smelling clothes and home, and the clean air and health for any potential children you may have. Lighting up is easy. Giving up can be almost impossible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 October 2015):
 Honestly there are MANY other things you can do that give you "calm" and makes you feel nice. Not all of them are healthy. Most of them though are addictive.
And trust me, you start to "only smoke in your garden" and will end up with you "having" a need to do "gardening" at odd hours OR more likely starting to smoke other places too. THAT is the thing with smoking/nicotine and other habit forming substances- you THINK you are in control, but you really are not.
And smoking doesn't make you more mature either, it's an illusion. I honesty laugh and shake my head when I seem people with the e-cigarettes.. I mean seriously? They look like little kids emulating grown up.
Take it from us who HAVE smoked before - it's GROSS. And it's MUCH easier to NEVER start than it is to quit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): Cigarettes are addictive. They have a number of chemicals in them to create exactly the effect you're feeling. It's a lot harder to quit once you get truly hooked. Fight the feeling and the urge will pass.
The "little voice" is called "addiction." It nags at you, and tells you that you crave things bad for you! That's because the filthy chemical substances used in tobacco products were formulated for just that purpose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses :)
I just want to clarify that the main reason I liked smoking was the way it felt, not to make me look 'cool' like I used to think when I was 14. When I tried it, it was how relaxed and calm I felt doing it, so at ease, in a strange way it felt natural. For me it feels like something I wouldn't want to do in public, just outside in my own garden or something. Yes it made me feel more mature but not really 'cool'.
I am fully aware of all the risks but it's like there is a little voice at the back of my mind which is stopping me from not wanting them at all.... I value my relationship more than having another cigarette and I don't want long term health problems but for some reason the thought doesn't want to leave my mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2015):
I agree with Auntie BimBim and the rest of the uncles and aunties.
I started smoking at 17 - smoked for 10 years, mostly for social reasons, many of my friends smoked too. I also grew up with a dad who smoked and later a brother who smoked.
I tried to quit 2 times. Both times lasted about 6 months. It wasn't till I actually starting having issues with the smell, taste and my OCD went full fledged again.
EVERYTHING you own, EVERYTHING you touch will start to smell. Your hair, your skin, your pee, your breath, your clothes, your furniture, your bedding, your PETS - it's NASTY. Things will start to taste less, smell like less.
You think he is being controlling because his Non-smoking GF is having brain-farts thinking it's COOL to smoke? Do you not comprehend that smoking is actually nasty, and there is a REASON packs of cigarettes comes with a warning. THAT is CAN kill you. IF you have other issues like diabetes you chance of loosing limbs get MUCH higher as a smoker.
My husband smoked when we met, I told him that I would NOT be smoked on, so if he wanted to smoke - he could go outside. And he did for years. It took him a HEART ATTACK for him to quit.
If I could go back and change ONE thing, it would be to NEVER have smoked. ALL that money going up in smoke, WASTED.
If I could change another thing? I would go back and NOT date smokers. AT all. (that would include my hubby). Because it HAS taken a toll on MY health. Second hand smoke is JUST as bad as "first hand" and in some cases worse, because it's NOT your choice.
Sageguy put it nicely.... I'll quote him:
" 5. IT'S STUPID.... (and, really, DOESN'T "look cool," after all..... If you want to "look cool" wear fancy clothes, shoes and accessories!!!!"
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I have to ask:
Is smoking cigarettes and thinking you are OH so cool more important than what you have with your BF?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2015):
 Note: My P.P.S. SHOULD have said: "I would NEVER consider to date a woman who smoked"....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2015):
May I please get on my soapbox and wax against smoking????
Go ahead and take it up. Here are the "results":
1. You risk your breathing.... as your lungs become clogged with the "tar" residue.... Emphysema and lung cancer are just a short step behind....
2. You smell like an ashtray... ALWAYS!!! Many guys wouldn't even CONSIDER to date you....
3. Your automobile smells like an ashtray... reducing its potential trade-in value.....
4. Your HOME smells like an ashtray... leaving your potential buyers to those who either: smoke, or, are willing to undergo a substantial re-decorate to eradicate the foul tabacco smell....
5. IT'S STUPID.... (and, really, DOESN'T "look cool," after all..... If you want to "look cool" wear fancy clothes, shoes and accessories!!!!
I'll step down now....
P.S. I smoked for about 3 or 4 years when I was in my late teens.....
P.P.S. I would consider to date a woman who smoked...
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (3 October 2015):
Smoking sucks. I know because I still can't kick the habit. People give you dirty looks, make comments, and it is uncomfortable knowing that my clothes smell like smoke and I don't know how badly because my own smoker's nose is broken. Then there's the coughing and the clogged lungs in the morning. I feel so gross sometimes.
I haven't even been able to switch to the less socially offensive vape mods. That's how strong my addiction to cigarettes is.
I'm sharing this very personal bit of information because DON'T DO IT YOU'LL REGRET IT.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 October 2015):
 Smoking may be legal but it is an insidious addiction, I am a former smoker, I had my first cigarette as a young teenager, and started smoking in earnest when I began work and had an income.
Giving up was difficult, even with some very good reasons it seemed at times impossible!!
But I did stop, I had my last cigarette 9:45pm, November 10 2002. And believe me, I still get the urge to have a quick puff sometimes ....
Its a disgusting, filthy and dangerous habit that not only harms you but those around you.
As mentioned before, smoking is legal, but with the amount of research that has been done, proving it is bad for your health and bad for those who get your side stream smoke, why would you even consider taking it up?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (3 October 2015):
 No I don't think there is. Being a reformed smoker myself I find the very thought of being with a smoker a turn off. It is a repulsive habit that, for most smokers, starts with just one or two then BAM…before you know it your a pack a day smoker. Giving up is HARD and I mean HARD just like any other addiction. Im not being funny but I would suggest that you go find a full ashtray, empty it out and then hold it to your face and breath it in, scoop out whatever ash is left and wipe it through your hair and leave the remainder on your fingers without washing them for the rest of the day. Thats what a smoker smells like, thats what I used to smell like. If you are hell bent, then vaping might be a solution but I would not be buying a nicotine based juice. It might smell better but health wise makes little difference and nicotine free still has chemicals just not as many as smokes. Something else i wonder with e cigs is the possibility of the juice chamber being made of BPA. Being heated up by the battery to form the vapour I think and Im no scientist would assist in releasing the BPA so your getting a dose of that straight to your lungs. That dangerous shit.S o a glass chamber would be a better option. All seems to hard- well I hope it does anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): Agree with Wiseowl. Plus If someone asked you give me your cash on a regular basis for the rest of your lifeand ill give you the lungs and teeth of an 80year old! Would you do it? I guess so. Its a totally good trade up so you can have a tiny white stick in your gob. *inserts sarcasm*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): So you have a cigarette on one hand and boyfriend + healthy lungs on Tue other hand. It's not really a tough choice here.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 October 2015):
I don't think he's being controlling by saying he doesn't want to date a smoker. I feel the exact same as him and I would seriously consider ending even a long term relationship if that person started smoking rather than watch them squander their money and health like that.
All this talk of compromises won't work because if you continue to smoke it will become an addition, and from the struggles a few of my colleagues are facing (all of whom used to proclaim they could quit whenever they wanted), it's a VERY difficult addiction to break.
If smoking is so important to you that you are willing to risk your relationship for it then go ahead. But consider that even if he says he'll try to be ok with it for you, chances are he wouldn't be able to put up with it for long and by that point you'd be hooked and unable to just stop because he asked you to.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (3 October 2015):
 I guess botton line is, do you want the relationship with your boyfriend or do you want to smoke? Choose.
He doesn't want to be with someone who smokes, period.
You know the health issues related to smoking and you know everyone will advise against it. If you haven't smoked in the 20+ years of your life, why would you want to start now?
You're not addicted to it yet, so it is manageable and controllable. Tell yourself it's not good for you. Don't do it.
However, if you decide the urge to smoke is so strong, then I hope you have the strength to watch your boyfriend walk out of your life.
Please quit smoking. Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): It's a bad habit. It smells, and it gets on your breath, all over your clothes, and fills a room. You mouth tastes nasty. You're doing it because it looks cool. If he leaves you? Good! I won't waste anymore time on this.
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