A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is more of a rant rather than a question but I could use some much needed advice. I'm a young woman and I consider myself laid back and quiet, but I'm nice. For some reason a lot of people in my life and in the past I feel have taken advantage of me and have treated me unfairly and maybe it's due to my quiet personality. I have the managers at my work who just unload everything on me because I guess they know I won't stand up and say no. When they're busy they have me do things that only managers are allowed to do and things I'm not trained in, and if I mess up I get an earful of crap. They make me stay very late even though I'm not suppose to. was treated in a similar matter at my previous job which is why I ended up quitting. I try my very best and they act like nothing I do is good enough. My sister also takes advantage of me. She often asks me for money even though she knows I don't have a lot. If I tell her no sorry I don't have it right now then she tries to guilt trip me until I give in. These are just the main examples there are other situations that are going on. I'm just tired of never feeling like people walk all over me and don't have respect for me. I really feel like giving some people a piece of my mind and just going off on them but that wouldn't do any good. I think people treat me this way because they know I won't do anything.What do you think?
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (3 October 2015):
 Well... a lot of it has to do with your attitude and response. When I was in my early 20's, no one at work took me seriously. It didn't help that I was small built and girly. I knew I had to toughen up if I wanted to advance in my career. So I had to suck it up and act tough and fierce so they know I mean business. The first few years was difficult.. I was shaking inside but I didn't let them see that. Then gradually it became easier and easier til it's no longer an act and you're no longer shaking like crazy inside.As for work and your managers unloading their work on you... I see it differently than you. My managers did that to me too and I was fine with it. Why? Because I get to list those duties on my resume - "Assisted Manager with ....." "Interim Manager ...." "Stepped in to help Manager with..." and during job interviews I would tell them how my manager 'trained' me to perform certain managerial duties. When you out enough of those job experiences on your resume, and you articulate that you are experienced in managerial roles, guess what your next position might be? Yes, a manager! That's how I've climbed the corporate ladder. Not only have I moved up, I've moved from department to department because by doing things others don't want to do, I've learned a new role. With the newly gained experience, I can move around until I find a position I fully enjoy.Best of luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): You're right. People treat you that way, because they know you will not say or do anything.
Let's start with work. Anytime a supervisor gives you a job over your head and beyond your skills or qualifications; ask them to provide instructions or show you how to do it. Don't pretend you know. If they trust you to do certain things, it's because you're good at it. They may be using you as a scapegoat because they don't know how to do it. Mess up, and it's your fault. Mainly because they aren't that good at it themselves; or need someplace to dump things they have no time to do.
Speak up, or forever hold your peace. They will do your performance reviews based on your failures if you don't wise-up, kiddo! We're talking about your paycheck! You can dance around it and come out smelling like a rose. "I'm not sure how to do that and I wouldn't want to make you look bad if I mess it up!
Family feels you have an obligation to go out of your way.
Not unless you see appreciation or gratitude for what you do for them. If they guilt you up; that's because they think you're a sap. They're family, so they know what emotional buttons to push.
I'm a pushover for my family, so my nieces and nephews will take advantage of my generosity. I spoil them. I've learned to use reward as leverage for good grades, good behavior, and when they show responsibility. I also ask their parents if it's okay. Do the same. Find something to put between you and those asking for favors. You have a bill to pay, or you are putting money aside for something urgent, or just say NO!!!
If they earn it by doing something for you first, or agree to sign a promissory note; offer your generosity. If they never reciprocate; just say "sorry not today, I'm all tapped out of cash and favors!" Smile and leave, or tell them you have an errand to run. Remove yourself then and there. Make excuses until they get annoyed and stop asking. Stick around, and they will wear you down!
It took me awhile to learn to be assertive with people. In business, I'm a grizzly bear. With friends and family, I'm a teddy bear. I often feel sorry for people, or wonder what if I were in a jam and needed help? You're supposed to do be compassionate; but you also have to know when you're being suckered. You gotta grow some balls, girlfriend! I'm speaking metaphorically now, don't get it twisted! You weren't born with them, but you have to pretend you got 'em. We guys do it all the time.
Sweetheart, your kindness and serenity is more respected and appreciated than you know. People recognize kindness and those of us who are sublime. They need us. We have to show them that we're not stupid, and kindness is not a weakness. It's power. A way to help those who really need it, and to make change. Use it, but don't let others abuse it. You're a good person, and you deserve respect for it.
Say no and stick to it, even if you're scared. Stand your ground and people will acquiesce. You have to have a showdown now and again, to show you're not always a pushover. That's a tool of survival!
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