A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I yet again turn to you dear agony aunties and uncles.I am a 33 year old women who lives at home with her parents. My family has certain rules that I have to follow, they are not comfortable with me coming home late (my mother basically stays up till I am home) and sleeping over at my boyfriend's place is unacceptable. Him coming over to hang out in my room or even in the living room is also not allowed (I know, it's horrible). It is also a somewhat dysfunction household, although nothing intolerable, my family is just insensitive and I have never relied on them emotionally.I had lived outside of my families house for 5 years prior to this, but after my divorce and battling addiction (I am sober now, and have been very diligent to remain so) I decided to move back in. I am grateful, but sometimes I really question if I can live here.I am going to get start a graduate program in the Fall and briefly thought about taking out a loan to move out. The program is 3 years long and it is very much full time, but I am left wondering how I will live with my folks, their rules, and their insensitive nature for that long. But the thought of taking out a loan to live away from home seems both childish and irresponsible. It's hard to really justify considering the kind of debit I would be looking at 12,000-20,000 in total, just on rent alone. I am really torn. I want my freedom and they are totally non-negotiable in this sense. Also, I feel as though this maybe the only time in my life I might be able to live without a partner. My boyfriend and I are pretty serious and it might be the case that we marry once I finish grad school. On the other hand, I am very hesitant about borrow money to move. Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone!!! I really appreciate all the imput.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 June 2013):
 Whatever happens; I hope nothing jeopardises your sobriety and that you don’t forego graduating. Everything else can be sorted and put on a wait list… As I see it you outline the pros and cons of your present situation quite rationally. E.G. Dysfunctional household yet nothing intolerable as you have never relied on them emotionally… Waiting until you graduate to get married and thinking maybe now is the time to be without a partner…Yet I do not know what consequences would occur; if you were to sleep overnight at your boyfriends place and or exercise a bit of personal space and freedom? Given your folks are insensitive as you say; surely this does not extend to your sobriety and seeing you graduate; but only in your personal life? For me; whilst I can tolerate some rigid house rules that don’t greatly impinge on my freedom; I can still respect the household rules by coming in before midnight if need be… Even though I know I’m going to break those rules from time to time :) I can live with that scolding and Mom waiting up for me.However if I default on a Loan for whatever reason, those repercussions are going to add a stress factor I can personally live without. Here the bank so to speak won’t wait up till you get home; it’ll demand payment with interest! Again there goes ones freedom!?Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 June 2013):
You have stated an interesting statement regarding you are now sober. First of all congrats to you for that HUGE accomplishment. What I'm wondering is, did you do something to your parents to make them not trust you? upset them in your decision making? committed some unhealthy choices while you were under the influence?
I think you may be on the healthy road and are making better choices but your parents who love you and want you "safe" in their home have not heal from those mistakes you may have made in the past. I could be totally off base with my thoughts of your situation.
If you don't feel comfortable in their home, it is time for you to leave. You are not going to change them.
I'm happy for you and wish you much success!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I "see" only ONE "problem", or, "question" in your entire submittal.... and it leads me to my recommendation. It's this:
"...and sleeping over at my boyfriend's place is unacceptable."
That (item) goes over the top FROM "my house; my rules" TO "I'll control your behaviour, wherever you are..." The former is acceptable.... and I'd do it in a heartbeat in order to have a (free) place to live whilest I pursued that golden diploma. The latter is unacceptable under any circumstances... insofar as it is intrusive in to your life and independence....
Pick that point to discuss with your parents.... IF they are unbending, THEN your only "choice" is to find your own place to live. IF they are willing to relax that stipulation... THEN reconcile to yourself that you'll endure the rest of their rules for the reason given above.
Good luck.... and study hard!!!!
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 In my opinion, we all have to leave the nest at some point. Part of being grown up is fending for yourself and that will include debt I'm afraid. You could work evening jobs whilst you are studying to help balance yourself.
At the end of the day... your parents house is THEIRS. And they can make the rules that they want in it. If you wish to live with them then you have to respect their views and ways of doing things. I'm sure they are just concerned and trying to protect you. Good luck xx
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