A
female
age
30-35,
*edep
writes:Ive known one of my friends since I was 6 or 7 years old, we are very similar in both looks and personalities but now 11 years later we have changed a lot in personalities and now I dont know how to deal with her, this is my situation: My friend is a very sociable person and she has many different friends and social groups, we obviously have our own friends and our mutual friends but she has slowly been working her way into all my friendships, now at first I didnt mind, I invited her to a few BBQ's and partys with my other friends around where they would obviously meet, but she seems to be taking things in her own hands and way too far, she is now best friends with my X boyfriend and she knows more about how he felt about us breaking up than I do. She is constantly scraping her way into all my friendships and is now inviting herself along to different gatherings and parties where she isint invited but decided to invite herself because Im going. I didnt mind at first that she knew all my friends but recently I was going out for a drink with my brothers college friends and I have only meet them once or twice and so I barley knew them. She was around at the time and literally said ''Do you mind if I scrap, I want to come too'' Now generally I wouldnt mind BUT she is underage and so cant drink and I didnt even know these boys yet so why the heck does she think I would invite her? she made the whole day and situation un-comfortable as she was flirting and acting drunk even though all she drank was a redbull! Im also slightly annoyed because when I because friends with one of her friends that I meet and added him on facebook she was really angry with me, saying that I should have asked her before I got his facebook and number. Ive gone from being confused to angry to upset. It annoys me how I dont have a friend that she doesent know, yet she personally doesent want to ''mix my college friends with my other frieds'' and so on. Im not jealous of her, as I said before we look the same physically (people say we are sisters) and I am fine and confident with myself. Im not trying to come across as a selfish bitch but I dont know how to reply and act to her now as I find myself just getting angry with her when she starts talking about my friends as if they where personally best friends since they where babies and that I was the one introduced by them not me introducing them! Help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): The young lady that you describe in your post uses you to create her social life. She is a social parasite. She mimics your style and she steals your friends out of complete envy.People like her can't stand out alone. They need a prop. She also knows she is annoying you, hoping to push you out of the picture to assume your identity. She thinks she'll get the same social status by being your stand-in. That's not how social networks function. You are appreciated on your own merit and contributions. People do notice this behavior. Some just accept it out of pity for her. Others are confounded on how to respond to it; as you are. It's creepy and pathetic.Please don't forget that people love you for who you are.Your personality is the reason they do. She may share similar traits and you may resemble each other; but there is only one original. She wants to be loved and accepted like you do. In her eyes, it seems to come so easily for you.If she were real, she wouldn't shadow you to create a social life for herself. She is shallow; therefore, people will not hold her in the same regard as they hold your friendship. They do realize the differences, you know.She has to crash a party, you always get the invitation.To some degree she is mocking you. Her jealousy is also evidence of a slight mental disorder. She has deep insecurities and thinks she has found a way to break the ice, by using a symbiotic relationship with you. You're the host and she is the parasite. You give her the social nourishment she needs without her having to use the social skills necessary to make friends. This is also symptomatic of bipolar disorder. This is only a speculation, and only a true psychiatric evaluation can draw such a conclusion.Making friends is easier than keeping them. That takes a great deal more effort. Just being around people doesn't make them like you; nor does it confirm mutual consent between the parties involved. It's all on the surface.Also take into account it's one thing to just show up at social events; it's another to receive an invitation. An invitation indicates your attendance is desired. You are on the guest list. That places you in a higher bracket as a friend.If she didn't get an invitation; do you not think the host or hostess is not aware she crashed the party? She looks like a fool, and has no sense of etiquette. That sets you both apart from each other. People are just being polite if they don't tell her she arrived without invitation. Not to mention the whispering and raised eyebrows in social settings. She has a lot of gall.Who do friends turn to in time of need or a personal crisis? They look to the one they trust. The one they know is always there for them. You can find a knockoff Gucci bag; but there is always someone who can tell it's a fake.She embraces your friends to keep track of your movements and whereabouts. She also tracks you on Facebook. Without you, she is an empty shell. Imitation is the highest form of flattery; but it's also the greatest source of irritation, when it's habitual. There is little you can say or do; if your friends accept her into their social circles. If you don't like it, your only recourse is to leave upon her arrival. Or you can just ignore her and be your usual self. By all means have a one on one with each of your closest and most valued friends. Explain her actions and how they affect you, and the discomfort you feel when she is rewarded for this behavior. You can always count on your allies to always watch your back, and they will be sure to place emphasis on your welcome. Friends have to be made, they can't be stolen. They come of their own free will. Just don't get too caught up in a smear campaign. That will make you look ugly. It will also make you appear petty and snobbish. Someone considers you their idol. Tough breaks.You will find over time that her 15 minutes of fame and popularity will wear off. She requires your energy supply in order to keep her engines running. keeping up with you is a lot of work. Trying to be someone you're not looks foolish, and people who don't like her will not hesitate to inform her that she is a fake.Please don't let her distract you from your fun and friends. Just continue being yourself. Just remember how badly she must wish she were you. Have a little sympathy for her. Take the higher ground.Your friends make their own choices; and if they accept her, you have to deal with that. If she intrudes on your private social gatherings, you have every right to ask her to leave. Just don't make a scene or over-react. It's not as big a deal as you're making it.
A
female
reader, kerondaylovescj +, writes (18 June 2013):
well this is a hard one but i think you need to tell her what you think or tell someone at least!! then you know how you will tell her because if she is just being a tag along then that does get annoying xxx and plus if she REALLY is your best-friend she would understand and carry on with your lives TOGETHER i really hope this helps you x
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (18 June 2013):
It sounds like you need space from each other. Does she have deep seated insecurities that are making her want to live your life to fulfil her somehow?
Stop hanging out with her so much. Don't tell her when you go out with your other friends and only let her know what you've been up to after the fact.
If she asks why she wasn't invited to such and such just tell her the host only invited a few close friends.
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