A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I am looking for advice on moving in with my boyfriend. He is 32 and i am 23. We both have elementary school age daughters. His daughter doesnt live with him now, but in two months she will,move in with him full time. When i met her she wasnt very nice. A part of me wants to move before she gets there so im not invading her territory later, but a part of me wants to.wait and see what kind of stress she will put on our relationship. my daughter loves my boyfriend a lot. He wants us to move in so we can build our future. Kids, maybe marriage. Now i spend every weekend.at his house and he stays one night during the week. Its really a pain. My concerns are his daughter, but more so the fact that my daughter would have to.change schools, but unless i.live alone forever, she will eventually have to change schools. Also i live in income based housing, so if i move out and we break u, i cant afford a regular apartment and there is a two year wait list for.income housing. He cant move here because we make too much money together to qualify for where i live.we love eachother a lot we both want kids and our relationship has been good to this point. What are your suggestions? My main concern is my daughter and switching schools. I want to make the best decision for her.
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female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (24 April 2013):
How long have you known this man? You have to know him inside out before you even think of upsetting your daughter's life as she knows it.When you have known him for years *GET MARRIED* first before you move. Yes you love him. Yes you hope it goes well. But your daughter has far too much to lose if things don't work out between you and your bf. A marriage will be your safety net. Firstly it ensures that he's quite committed and secondly it means you don't find yourselves out on the kerb the minute things fall apart because you will have rights too.Also, you don't sound very mature in your approach to his daughter. You've already decided that she's not very nice before you live with her. She's only a child! You do not sound like you are ready to take on the responsibility of caring for her - which you will be committing yourself too by living with her father.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Thank you all for the responses, they have helped me to make my decision. I really appreciate it! To clear up some confusion, yes i was a teen mom but i do have a college degree. Unfortunatly i went to college for something that doesnt pay well, and i really need to go back! My boyfriend would get married, but i am unsure i ever want to get married. Most peoplei know have been divorced and i see how nasty and expensive it is. But again, thank you it really has helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Sageoldboy and very confused ( who I find both extremely well grounded ) have hit it on the head..You need solid commitment sweetie, and who said dating had to be a pain? As basically that's what your doing ,, you need to date.. Do not get rollercoasted into living with him, when frankly you don't know him well enough.. I'm pleased you take the welfare and happiness of your daughter highly . Then don't rush .. I have a 5 year old and gee I could imagine her distress if she were to even think about moving school. Now your doing well., what's wrong with you two seeing each other once a week and at weekends.. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. And neither wil your relationship be..Here my take date like as you are but hint big time fir that romantic engagement ring for Xmas ( who needs a puppy when a diamond will do haha). Then plan a wedding two years down the line that will make both your daughter either 8 or 9 ish .. Go out as family together .. And don't judge the other kid ad yet .. She just defensive as she thinks your stealing her father.. Show her your not.. Let them gave time together too.. Be open to her.. And in time she will be open to you.. Tell her she may be a rise that had thorns that stab you, but under those thorns is the most beautiful flower that you want to discover .. I know you will be frustrated but honestly the best things in life are the ones that we wait and plan on.. Take care. Your a good mum and very thoughtful X
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I would not move in with your boyfriend. Risking losing your income based housing is not a good idea for a relationship that may not last. The only way I would move in with him is AFTER you get married. Then you are at least assured of a place to live and a way to support yourself and should it not work it will take some doing to UNDO it.
In addition, the upheaval to your children (his daughter and yours) will make the adjustment even harder than it is.
Even if you move in with him before she gets there, if she is already “not very nice” to you, do you think it will make her nice to you when she moves in? Nope it will not.
I do NOT understand younger folks now… they have it all backwards, move in, have kids MAYBE get married? My poor mother spins in her grave… get married, move in then have kids.. that is the correct order. And no I’m not religious. I am not old fashioned. I don’t think folks should wait to be sexual before marriage and I do not think that two adults who want to live together should have to get married. BUT, WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED (ether already living children or planned children) then I think Marriage needs to be FIRST.
Since at 23 you have a child that is at least 6 years old, you were obviously a teen mom. You live in income based housing, I assume you are getting WIC and/or food stamps and medical assistance for her at the minimum. WHAT are you doing to further your education and improve your job prospects? THE BEST decision for your child would be for you to get a degree and improve your standard of living as section 8 housing neighborhoods are never the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Of course don't move ! You said that you live in limited income housing, that if you break up with the guy ( which is quite a possibility, when you add to the adjustment efforts of getting used to live together full time, the stress of blending families ) you can't afford to rent somewhere else and you you'll have to wait at least 2 more years before you get another place like you have now- talk about finding yourself up the creek without a paddle !, and you'd make your child risk this type of situation for.... ? A guy who you are dating since maybe a few months ?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Sorry to sound "father like".... but this paragraph jumps out at me: "He wants us to move in so we can build our future. Kids, maybe marriage. Now i spend every weekend.at his house and he stays one night during the week. Its really a pain."
I believe the sequence will better serve you and your daughter if you and (prospective partner) decide that you and he want to be MARRIED prior to living together.... It's a quaint concept.... and I'll take a beating for writing this... but the odds are SO MUCH BETTER that way.... (There's a REASON why your current arrangement is "really a pain....")
Good luck..
P.S. "move in together" is "guyspeak" for: I'd like to have you available for sex... and don't relish having to provide you any committment and/or stability prior to enjoying that.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): "What are your suggestions? My main concern is my daughter and switching schools. I want to make the best decision for her."What your daughter needs most is stability and consistency, especially considering her bio-father's presumed absence from her life. Uprooting her from everything she knows so you can shack up with an unrelated adult male legal stranger while forcing her to live under the same roof with a kid you admittedly do not like would be the height of insensitivity and selfishness towards both yours and boyfriend's daughters. You haven't mentioned baby daddy, but if you're the 23-year-old mother of a school-age kid then he obviously knocked you up as a teenager so I'm assuming he's out of the picture as most teen dads would be by now. Does your daughter have a relationship with her paternal grandparents or other family members? Boyfriend's daughter is about to have enough seismic change in her life when she moves in with her father full-time, she doesn't need the added irritants of a hostile stranger (you) and rival kid on the scene. In any event, you'd be risking a lot (your daughter's stability, your subsidized housing) for a tenuous shack-up living situation that offers no long-term guarantees and is fraught with potential red flags. You and boyfriend both need to get your priorities straight and start putting your children's emotional well-being and long-term best interests ahead of your own active libidos. You will both be full-time custodial parents to children who've already had enough trauma and turmoil, and as such you two playing house together at this time is completely at odds with your obligation to be the best parents you can be to children unfortunately born into less-than-ideal circumstances.Your kid comes first in your life, boyfriend's kid comes first in his life, the two of you should proceed accordingly.
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A
male
reader, xgod +, writes (24 April 2013):
 You should discuss the concerns with your boyfriend and ask him to speak calmly with his daughter and explain how you will never replace her mother, but will be there as part of a new family unit, including your daughter.
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