A
female
age
36-40,
T-Marie
writes:On so many occasions I have had friends, relatives and total strangers come to me with the same problem... "I think my partner is trying to change me" or "Maybe i need to change".The answer to this is simple!! No, You shouldn't need to change.When two people meet and are drawn to one another, the attraction is down to a combination of things, looks, personality, sense of humour and general demeanor.The dating process is a way to analyze these areas of a persons make-up without committing too soon.Now, surely if after this process the two people decide they wish to embark upon an 'epic relationship adventure' then surely they do so because of who they are as individuals. When this relationship progresses and they fall in love, they fall in love with each other. This is the key.Later in the relationship if/when "change" is allegedly required, to me doesn't make any sense. You originally fell in love because of WHO that person was so surely if they were to change, they wouldn't be themselves anymore and consequently you will then be in love with somebody different. In which case I would say that your relationship is probably and unfortunately nearing it's expiry date.Decide whether you love that person... and for heavens sake, if you do.... Leave them as they are because WHO they are is the person YOU fell in love with!!!!!!Happy Relationships :) xxxx T
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female
reader, T-Marie +, writes (10 September 2010):
T-Marie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Compromise goes without saying!!!! The change that you are referring to is what I would class as mutual changes! What I am referring to in this article is when shortly into a relationship people begin trying to change each other. I do not particularly appreciate the replies which are somewhat heated.... If you do not understand the context in which I am speaking of change then please do not reply. As for compromise as before mentioned, again that is a mutual change... that is not forced by one or another.
Thanks.
A
male
reader, slightlyconfusedhusband  +, writes (8 September 2010):
Everybody changes, constantly. A relationship will not last without change. Children change you, Love changes you, Life changes you. Your likes and dislikes change, as will your partners. As a relationship grows it changes. Growth by definition is change. I could list a hundred things about my wife here that have changed over the 8 years that we have been married, and I could do the same for myself.
I fell in love with a 21 year old promiscuous man-hating drunk who was seriously depressed and had many issues.
She fell in love with a 19 year old stoner/druggie kid with no sense of responsibility and a horrible temper.
I went from a stoner kid with no sense of responsibility to marrying a woman who was pregnant with another man's child. I had known her before she got pregnant however did not get with her seriously until after she was already pregnant.
We are now very happily married 8 years running with 3 beautiful children. Our relationship keeps getting stronger over the years because guess what? We change.
She no longer drinks because I helped her realize it was self destructive. I no longer do drugs because I am in the navy and I would have lost my job. She no longer sleeps around because she loves me, and not to toot my own horn or anything, but I was the best she'd ever had when we first got together, let alone now that I truly know everything about her. She is no longer depressed because we are both happy. I no longer lose my temper at all. We have also had many other changes over the years, though these are most of the big ones.
We have had some rocky points, don't get me wrong. Life is not a bed of roses. People are not static. Relationships are not static. Change is a necessary part of life and love and always will be. To believe anything else is just silly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): It's not that black and white IMO. You don't touch on the topic of compromise... and compromise IS change. It's also something a healthy relationship needs to survive the long-haul.
I also think that massive change (physical, emotional, mental, etc.) over the years is inevitable. I'm not going to be the same man in 20 years that my wife fell in love with today. That's a given... and it certainly doesn't indicate that "the relationship is probably and unfortunately nearing it's expiry date."
Unwilling or forced change isn't "allegedly required"... but compromise is... (if you don't want to end up dying old and alone atleast) ;)
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A
female
reader, courage59  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I think sometimes into a relationship if not at the beginning, it is most important to me, to test the flexibility of one another. I know I am not set into no possible changes. Loving is a learning experience and it takes two to make it.
Communication is the key. If the basic needs into a relationship are not met then communication skills must kick in. Compromise to satisfy both partners.
What aspects of another person may we not want to ever change or just accept, (the way one liked that person at first), doesn't forbid improvement if it helps both to grow into a more fulfilling relationship.
One must know oneself and accept to learn something new and discover new ways to reflect on life.
I am in love right now and I am not so young and I must say that 'Loving, living and learning' from Leo Buscaglia is the one book I read that inspired me the most.
I like your comments and think it is indeed a wonderful feeling to accept the other unconditionnally as one must learn that to oneself.
Thanks for reading me,
courage59
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