A
female
age
30-35,
*essicaStarDust
writes:Hello everyone, I would really love some advice with my problem. You all have done greatly and I can not help but keep coming back here for more... So in advance thank you.Last week my husband and I came about to having a threesome. We both had talked about it and I wanted it maybe more than him to be honest. Well our rules were simple. 1.) Safety Always. 2.)No kissing 3.) NEVER ignore each other. 3.)When one of us says our safety word it endsWell as you can already tell that's now what happen. He was drinking a lot and so was I, but I had a better grip of everything. (It takes a lot to get me drunk) we started and he ignored me, didn't use a condom,etc. So I said I'm done lets go home. I walked out cause I was very hurt. I was sitting in the car a total of 3 hours. But in between, I came to get him, each time a different article of clothing that was once on is off or "missing" I watched and heard what he was doing. Each time he opened the LOCKED door(Which it never was) he had some lie as to why he was not in the car. I was so very pissed. I called him a cheating a-hole. Well finally we get home and of course we are fighting.He is VERY drunk and does some pretty horrible things.(I want this to post so I will not get into that) I told him how much he hurt me and all the pain he made me feel. Yet some how it was all my fault... (Was it really?) Then the next day he said he does not remember anything *shocking*--Sarcasm* I don't know if I fully believe that excuse he used. He filled it in with many other same lines different guy stuff. I'm hurt, I'm trying to make this work. We have a child so it's not just my life that has been cracked. I do not want to hurt my family at all. But I am so lost and confused. Just writing this and telling the PG stuff is hard enough. I can't stop shaking, I can't eat, sleep,etc. Then since that I have non stop wanting sex. I need it from him a part of me is in the mood but the other part is... I don't know I feel if I have him there with me the pain will go away. He has never done anything to this degree. (he was a monster that night)I'm disgusted with myself, more than anything. If I did not have my daughter I think I would have jumped off the tallest building I could. I'm no angel either tho, in the begining of our relationship I cheated as well. I kissed a guy on the lips.(I hate myself as it is for this past) my husband made it seem like I did what he did. IN NO WAY have I ever let it go from just a kiss, I stopped as soon as my lips touched his and said I can't I love my husband. Please. I just need some help. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, ever since that week he has been trying to be i don't a "perfect couple" I just... Every guy I have ever dated did something like this always hurt me to the point were my scars will not heal and then the one man I fall in love with does it too. I feel as tho all my hope is gone.
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condom, drunk, in the mood, kissing, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I agree that your husband is not the only one to blame here. Why did you for THREE HOURS permit him to do what you knew was upsetting to you…. You were the sane one.. it was incumbent on you to FORCE him to leave. Was the other person so uncooperative as well???
This does not qualify as CHEATING under my definition… CHEATING (fWIW) is anything you can’t won’t or don’t tell your partner… in this case you knew.. you approved… it’s not cheating.
Honey if his DAMAGE put you in the ER, then YOU need to not forgive and you need to get OUT… you have a CHILD to protect… if you want to let him kill YOU that’s fine.. but what about YOUR CHILD?
I’m all for forgiving mistakes.. even abusive ones (once.. ONCE do you hear me??) but when a CHILD is put at risk, I put my crazy foot down…
You can’t just forget this. You need to get some counseling for this… he needs to work on his alcohol issues (and yes anyone who drinks enough to black out and beat up their partner even ONCE has an alcohol issue)
As for the third person…make sure your hubby is on the same page and let her know very firmly that if she does no back off you will file a restraining order. She’s a piece of work. Tell her she was just a little something something on the side… (but honey if your man wants her, let him go now don’t drag it out) I say this as a woman who let her husband leave over another man (not a threesome but I was in an open marriage and it did not survive.. now the man I am with is happy to be monogamous with me… we do not share… I’ve done threesomes… I’ve done swaps.. I’ve done girls… name it I’ve done it… now I’m happy to have one and be done…
Hugs to you and feel free to PM me if you need to.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): I'm sorry that this traumatic event has happened to you.
The most important person in this situation is your daughter. It is your duty to provide her with a safe and stable home.
While a threesome is irresponsible for a parent, I don't think it is the core issue. I think it's your husband's lack of self-control. Is he ever abusive when he's not drunk? If not, maybe you need to get him help with his drinking.
Before doing new things, ask yourself, "will this have a positive impact on my daughter?"
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (26 April 2012):
You are young and tried something that probably wasn't a good idea and now you have learnt something. It was just a dumb moment, your hb was too drunk to remember and unfortunately he doesn't sound like a nice guy when drunk so theres another lesson learnt.
Time is the only antedote to the bad feelings you have. Try to stop beating yourself up, focus on your child and remind youself of the good things you have. At some time talk with your husband, you both need to say sorry to each other. Think about moving away from the other woman if its possible. She sounds like bad news and she may have more to do with your bad experience than you know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Honeypie- I don't know what type of women honestly set up their partners to cheat on them. I would never do that to myself, I love him. Why would I want him to hurt me?
I don't think you really wanted him to hurt you.I think you wanted him to prove himself to be the man you thought he was, and he failed.
As for her, time to put that cow on full blown ignore. And your DH, maybe he needs to address the issue of alcohol.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (25 April 2012):
I echo the comments of the aunts AND uncles....HOT MESS! Okay sweetie....you want to be a big girl....put your big girl pants on AND deal with the choices you both made. You AGREED to do a three some ....he didn't go behind your back....you were right there! You reneged at the last minute AND he kept playing the game. He did not follow the rules as agreed AND now its all his fault? NO....this is both of you all fault! When you play Russian Roulete with your marriage...someone is going to get hurt! Accept your part in situation, forgive each other AND seek some marriage couseling to help you can give your marriage a chance to be successful. To learn how to have great sex between you AND your husband. I know you two may be trying to be adventurous....go bungie jumping, sky diving, if you want to spice things up....try a new mexican restuarant.....don't set yourself up for failure by doing 1 of the oldest mistakes in the book....it didn't work then.... AND doesn't work now.
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A
female
reader, JessicaStarDust +, writes (25 April 2012):
JessicaStarDust is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello everyone, Thank you so far with everything you have said.I would like to clear up some things as well. Yes I take the blame. I know that we both went in together. I understand that and have no issue. The 3rd was not married, but she is a very different story and not the sweet and innocent women she played off. There is much that I could not type for I really wanted this to be post, many things that happen honestly led to him doing the wrong. It did not start off as a 3some by any means. We all just met. My husband and her were more than happy to suggest the idea while I went to check on my child sleeping (She lives in the same apt complex 0and now just moved across from us) I of course, wanted to try. But we know how that ended.I understand the morning after, but for me. My morning after was in the ER for the damage that happen. When I stressed he was very drunk I meant he became the stereotype of people with rage and alcohol in his system. I think that is what is hurting me also. I'm still on stupid meds for this mess.I mentioned how I was disgusted with myself. I'm not a young stupid women. I understand the mistakes I made. I have honestly beat myself up for what has happen than him. He thinks we are this perfect couple now. I have talked to him last night. He just wants to forget. I don't... I want to work threw and make sure something like this never happens again. I will never be ashamed of making mistakes, only if I can learn from them. If I can not, then I will be ashamed of myself.The 3rd wheel, she has a story on her own. She asked for my wedding ring yesterday. (I would also like to point out, I did not ever blame her or make her feel uncomfortable. She is a single women. I have been nothing but nice to her even after and when I felt like I was going to allow my angry to rise I bit my tongue and walked away) She said it so very meanly. She rubbed into my face how he'd rather have been with her than me, How that ring should be on her finger....I honestly felt like the bigger person, Although I honestly wanted to beat her till she could never walk again. I smiled at her and told her to have a wonderful day. -Bernard, I have done more damage to myself mentally then you think. Reading that I should be ashamed of being human hurts me. But to bring in the fact that I would ever do any type of harm/pain etc to my child is something that strikes a nerve. I might be a young mother. But damn have I made a good name for myself and my child. I work, go to school,clean,take her out,etc etc. I'm not trying to be rude but it seemed like all you were doing was attacking me. I admit when I do something wrong. I did. I have been pushing to do the right thing, but it was just no me who caused pain. I have been with this man for nearly 5 1/2 years now. I plan to stick it threw I made a promise when I married him and I will fulfill that promise till the day I die. But I am after all human, I put my pants on one leg at a time. I was not putting the blame all on my husband, but I do believe it was not ALL my fault. Which is something he beat into me non stop that night. -Myau. He has never done anything like this before, in his past (before he met me) he was what they called a "player" I'm sure he did things in the past to others but never with me. For fun, We play cards C: I know seems odd but we are both always busy and lately have a little bit more on our plates. But I love to play cards with him. We have our family nights as well were it is just us and our daughter playing "My little pony chess" odd game but fun.Honeypie- I don't know what type of women honestly set up their partners to cheat on them. I would never do that to myself, I love him. Why would I want him to hurt me? I knew he was drunk at the end of the night, yes. I did not spend our whole time drinking with him. He went off with another women to go get cigs,beer and food. I have no idea what he did or did not do during that time but I really think he downed some drinks with her. He did smell like vodka (We had mikes lemonade. The whole night) Wait, that's a lie I had a glass of wine at dinner. But I love wine as a flavor not to get drunk off. MistressNataliee- I have gone and went to my OB and got tested. I am still waiting on the results but that was a huge fear I had myself. Thank you for your concern. Yet, Once again. I am sorry if I came off rude at all. I am very happy for all that you have all said. Thank you all so much for what you have allowed me to read.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 April 2012):
Threesomes within a relationship always have some type of ending like this. Monogomy exists as a concept in human society for a reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): What a mess! Why would you want to do this to eachother? You have broken your marriage vows. I agree with the above post. Get a test for Stds. I wouldn't even think of having a threesome with my guy... bad enough people cheat on eathother. I think it is time to grow up and have a serious convo. with your husband or invest in a good, honest relationship with someone.
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A
female
reader, MistressNataliee  +, writes (25 April 2012):
If you suspect he had unprotected sex with this other person then you need to get yourself checked out for STI's etc. ASAP
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2012):
I think you need to take some ownership in this mess. Yes, you walked away from the "sex" but you were just as anxious to get it going as he was. Except he was to drunk to walk away. Why you didn't stay and tell him to get dressed and apologize to the 3rd wheel I don't know.
But it seems to me that you and your husband needs to not do 3-somes at all or at the least not while being drunk.
I don't really see this as your husband cheating on you on less you "set" him up for this. You knew (I assume) how drunk he was. You know your man and how he acts drunk.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 What a mess!
Well a few things, no more 3somes.
Secondly, has he cheated on you before?
And finally What do you both do together for fun? Not sex I mean
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Hi
I do not think you can blame your husband for this, you both went into a house to have sex with other people. You were more into the idea than him.You were both responsible for the situation.Yes he stayed and broke the rules you made, thats the risk you took
Now you know what threesomes are all about and the problems they cause its time to sit and talk to your husband and try to sort out the mess you have both made.
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