A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have an issue that I can't get over and I don't know what to do. I have been with my husband for approximately 10 years and he has always been my best friend. We have always joked about a threesome but were never really serious, although secretly I have always wanted to try one...or rather the experience of being with a woman. Well, one night we were out at a friend's house for a party and had some drinks. My husband started talking about a threesome with a female friend and I. One thing led to another and we all ended up at her house and started making out with one another. Things started out okay. I made out with her and we fooled around a bit together at first, all while my husband mainly made out with her. He then started fooling around with her only, every way he could aside from penetration, while her and I just kissed. She then went down on me while he was having sex with her. After that everything went downhill, at least for me. They proceeded to have sex, her on top, while I somehow ended up on the floor next to the bed basically watching them (and how i feel) pathetically trying to "get in on it" with no response. She would kiss me but he was so focused on her on him that he would barely even kiss me. He then started telling her how tight, wet, and all around amazing her pu*** was. This really irked me but I stayed in it hoping things would get better. After a while they stopped and it was my turn. As I was on him he barely even registered me being there. He was only looking at her, fingering her, and still telling her how amazing her stuff was (even though he could barely look at me, let alone kiss me, when she was with him). Something happened and I ended up falling backward off of him. They wasted no time and she immediately put her mouth to work while his hands were at work on her. This really upset me and I got up to leave, feeling very unwanted. About a minute after I left he flipped her onto her back, put her legs in the air, and started having sex with her again. By this point this is like the fourth time he has had sex with her, along with every other type of sex he could have with her throughout the night. They finished up and went to sleep together, naked, in her bed while I was out on the couch. This night lasted almost two hours and what I got out of it was some girl/girl play for maybe 15 minutes and a "ride" for maybe 10. The rest was them fooling around any and every way they could with mostly no regard for me. I was either on the floor next to the bed, on the end of the bed (alone), or out on the couch (again alone) aside from those 20 - 25 minutes. The biggest kicker was where I got to hear all about how amazing her pu*** was. I am very upset and don't know what to do. I feel like he cheated on me even though we all went into it as willing and consenting adults. What I got was not what I was consenting to though. I am so lost and hurt and don't know what to do. I do love him and don't want this to ruin our relationship but I dont think I can let this go. Does anybody have any advice for me? Please help.
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at work, best friend, cheated on me, fingering, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2016): I would stress to him that while you had an awful time during the threesome, you want to work things out. If you tell him you feel like he cheated he will likely get defensive and tempers might flare.
I feel bad for you. It must have been horrible to hear him praise her pu*** so. Don't forget that novelty often pleases people. Just because he had a good time with her doesn't necessarily mean she is better than you.
Best wishes!
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 You can save your marriage. The threesome does not have to be the end of it.The issue, as I see it, is that although you both joked about a threesome, the two of you never discussed boundaries and personal rules before attempting it.When it finally happened, it was a reality, that was nothing like you had fantasies about. Reality will NEVER live up to the fantasy of it. Never. If the two of you had discussed what it is you expected (or hoped for, as hopes become expectations), both of your needs would have gotten met. As it is, you did what most couples do at the start of experimenting with non-monogamy...you just went along for the ride, and did not think ahead about what you could and could not actually handle.Just because it happened once, does not automatically mean you will be forced for it to happen again. It does mean that, you do have the opportunity to talk about what you liked and did not like about the threesome, and what you would want/expect/demand for the next time, if there was a next time. Generally speaking, having a threesome with someone from work is not a good idea as it makes it more complicated than it has to be.It is OK to feel hurt, and angry. However, these are the risks you take when transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. There will be times when things happen that hurt you. Next time, it could be your husband or the third person that feels hurt.What is important is what you can learn from it. Did you learn about what you need? Was it more time? more attention? was it his comments about her body that you could not hear? what is it that you would have wanted more of that did not happen? What would have to be assured to happen for you, in order for you to want to experiment or experience this again?I think you were right to wait until face to face to have the conversation, However, in the meanwhile, you have to remember and follow this one little bit of advice:Before you involve any person into your bedroom, it is important to communication. All your expectations, boundaries and express what you need to happen...no one is going to read your mind. It is up to you to speak up BEFORE the situation. That will ensure you have a better experience next time, if there is a next time.All the best.-Frank Kermit
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female
reader, allthatjazz +, writes (17 April 2016):
 I wouldn't want to dwell on the specifics because even as an outsider, I feel the weight of what transpired. I'm actually biting my tongue as I write, focusing only on the end view that you wish to have and that is to save the marriage. Get anger out of the way by taking responsibility for your part in this. Tell him exactly how you feel and that you want to get past this, that you would need to hear his thoughts later on. Point out exactly what it is about that night that keeps on cropping up in your head, the mental picture/s that keep/s on flashing. Give yourselves time to think it through. Maybe a week or two and you can go back to the drawing board to work out a plan. In the meantime, you can seek professional help to process your thoughts and perhaps you'll be in a better place when you resume talks with your husband. It all sounds ideal, my suggestion, because the situation is extraordinary and would require that you exhaust all possible avenues. The suggestions given by others are just as good. I hope you can write us back.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 What worries me OP is that he will be in touch with this woman because they work together. Which means he will most likely see her every day. I doubt if he would revert back to the previous state of being with just you and in a monogamous relationship. It would have been another thing had this woman been a distant friend, one he doesn't see often. The fact that he works with her just complicates matters even more. There are also chances that she won't keep her mouth shut and they'll be the talk of the town. Why should she anyway? She was the third wheel, she had nothing to lose.
Be prepared for the worst...it's entirely your call now. My heart goes out to you. No one deserves this. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I could ever forgive or forget. The only way you can make this marriage work is if he is willing to completely devote himself to you and never, ever consider a threesome again, never be in touch with this woman and erase everything that's happened. Of course this is wishful thinking and we all know that life isn't this simple.
Prepare yourself for the worst. Please let us know how things go.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Imagine if you will a roll reversal threesome; you, your husband and another man... Only this time your husbands ego, self-esteem and insecurities would surface as he hears you talk about this other guys amazingly hard *ock?
The thing about threesomes in your case is, there’s always someone (a bit) left out and that usually is the female partner… simply because the male has the novelty to pleasure (*uck) someone different in bed, too fondle, make squirm and moan. Yeah, he’s had you for 10 years, so he’s not likely to register your presence or feelings. The fantasy of a male and two females although cliché is generally about the male getting it on. Had it been your fantasy of two men, now we’re talking, and he’d perhaps be writing to Dear Cupid?
Nonetheless, in affect you witnessed (consensual) adultery, by you being in the room as opposed to him going it alone elsewhere with this woman. Now that image is burnt in your brain; feeling very unwanted and cheated on. This in time will pass as you both never entertain threesomes again and by you chalking this experience up to misadventure – been there done that; thanks but no thanks.
It’s a shame we sometimes want to learn the hard way, with this sort of fantasy? Even so, reality always has a way of pulling us back, putting things into perspective, telling us we’re not designed to accept sharing our loved one with others.
Take Care – CCA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): First off let me say thank you to all who responded and gave me sound advice. Thank you!!
To answer some questions that have come up let me say this...
We were not drunk. Yes, we did have a couple of drinks prior to the encounter but none of us were drunk (I don't think I would remember most of this if I had been lol). No, I have not spoken to anyone about this because my husband left soon after to go out of town for work. I do not feel like this is a conversation to be had over the phone, so I have been waiting for him to return home. Yes, he will still be in contact with the woman once he is back in town because they work together. He has not said one word about it and as far as wanting this to happen again he has not said. Knowing him like I do he would damn sure want this to happen again.
Also, on a side note, when I got up to leave the room I did say something to him. I can't say whether he heard me or was just to preoccupied with her to really let what I said sink in. I know there are some things I could have done differently but like someone said, what's done is done. I just have to find a way to move on, I guess.
Thank you again to everyone who replied with advice. I will take it to heart and try to employ some of this to talk with him and move on from there, wherever that may be.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Once the monogamy was broken, the dice fall in unpredictable ways. While your emotions are in deep pain now, your husband's will soon be the same unless both of you find the way to salvage this marriage. Threesomes are great in porn flicks, in the abstract, in fantasy, in sociological discussions about sexuality... but practically they cause lot of pain, irrespective what social theory says about these sort of sexual activities.
If this was me in your situation, I would dwell less on the the feeling of being cheated on. Instead, I would focus on repairing the monogamy in this marriage. Let's face it, by participating in sexual activity with this third person, both of you, with your actions, consented to the breakdown of each other's monogamy. It is the breakdown in monogamy that is the cause of your misery.
So you need to decide: do you want monogamy back or do you want to keep "experimenting" sexually in which case you should brace yourself for more hurt.
Suppose you decide you want monogamy. If so, then take your share of blame for what he has done. Had you not consented, and wanted to "experiment" with a third person, he would not have had the open hand to do what you found sexually hurtful. The fact is, neither one of you played a good cop capable of restraining each other when faced with lust.
I would also evaluate whether I could reset my monogamy back and work off my emotions within that. I would acknowledge that the threesome was one giant bad idea, and I would demand that acknowledgement from my spouse. If there is a mutual acknowledgement, I would set up mutual restraints to sexual fantasies and make sure no third party meddles, ever, in my marriage.
Some spouses can do this themselves. Others need a mediator like a counselor. If I felt I needed mediation, I would tell my counsellor up front: our goal is to put our marriage back the way it was so help us get there.
Your emotions will last with you for some time but they will dwindle away if you and your husband agree to restore your monogamy. Apart from such mutual commitment, I seen I resolution to any of this
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 April 2016):
Have you spoken to your husband about how you felt?
What did he have to say about the entire episode?
Is he still in touch with this girl?
Does he want to repeat this again?
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Its important to know the answers to all these questions before one can make an objective assessment of what's to be done next. Your future course of action depends on these answers because the damage is already done, now you can just control further misery.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2016):
 I don't blame you for feeling like you do. From the sounds of it, your husband had a strong connection to this other woman.
I've seen a ton of posts in the past about threesomes since writing for DC. And they almost always wind up with the same result as yours. I think threesomes generally work (if they work at all) for those in open relationships or non-committed relationships who want to experiment. It also takes the right third player as well. Your adventure really seemed adhoc and so naturally the results are going to be more up to chance.
In defense of your husband, you basically gave him a free pass to cheat. And after 9+ years of a presumably monogamous relationship with you, he is going to be enjoying every moment of something new. And of course he is going to be vocal about the differences.
I am not sure where you go from here. What is done is done. When things do cool off, I'd express your dissatisfaction with your husband and chalk it up to a learning experience. Hopefully he can find a way to make it up to you.
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): First, I would NEVER, EVER DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Now you know WHY.
Your husband was acting like a TYPICAL male. No surprise, is there? She is new and exciting and he took full advantage. Not to mention, he was drunk so everything was heightened and exaggerated from normal. Remember, this scenario is mostly every hetero male's FANTASY so he got himself LOST in the fantasy. I do believe that it was not HER per se, but the FANTASY itself he was engorged in. And ANY other woman would have had the very SAME response from him. I mean, how does he REALLY know her pussy was that tight? He was plastered out of his mind. He probably even had no recollection of that the next day. And still doesn't. I do not believe it was his intention (nor hers) to hurt you. It was two people caught up in the moment. Perhaps she is into men more than she is women. Maybe she's a sex addict. And him, well, I don't think he deliberately set out to make you feel like shit as he just lost his mind. Call it temporary insanity due to being a guy and being drunk.
Have you talked to him about how you feel yet?
My guess is IF he LOVES YOU, he feels guilty and remorseful about the whole thing. Perhaps he does not even remember what happened exactly. He was not in his right mind nor was she. That said, the sting of betrayal and feelings of jealousy do not fade because of it. They are just as intense as ever. And something you will be living with for the rest of your life. For what? A night of drunken indiscretion? This plan was not well thought out. When you make impetuous decisions like this, the after affects are almost always disastrous.
Marriages and threesomes are toxic to each other. They just do not mix.
They should only be done with people you are NOT emotionally invested in and when you are single and fancy free.
You are asking for trouble, especially as a WOMAN who is MARRIED, to watch her husband HAVE SEX with another woman. Very few of us are built to handle something like that. We are very EMOTIONAL and TERRITORIAL and POSSSESSIVE. That is the truth.
I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I imagine it is soul destroying and makes you feel like somebody is constantly rubbing alcohol into your wound. But you gave permission. The green light to go ahead. Technically, you cannot cry about it now and blame your husband or your friend. Although I don't see her as your friend at all. I am just old fashioned I guess. Real friends do not fu^k other friend's husbands, even for fun. And I am old school again in my belief that if a husband truly loves his wife, he will have no desire to do this (perhaps a desire in his own mind and sexual fantasies) but not a desire to bring it to life. He would not want to risk hurting his wife like that. Or risk their marriage. The fact a man would go ahead with it, right away, would make me LEAVE him if he were my husband. But again, he was drinking. Does not give him a hall pass but alcohol does play a role.
You must decide if you can forgive him. If the resentment is not going to tear you apart. You may start to hate him slowly over time and never recover. You will hold it against him at every turn. Keep punishing him either through words, behaviour, things you do, don't do. That resentment is going to always be on a slow simmer indefinitely. And you are going to likely distance yourself from him emotionally. And you will find it hard to allow him to touch you again sexually. I know I would be so hurt and resentful, no matter if permission was given, and I could not get past it.
You may need counselling if he is willing. I sincerely doubt you can do this yourselves. There is much too much damage done.
I am afraid the trust is broken. And you will never retrieve it in him.
I would be furious either way. And I do not think I would want to stay with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Please don't think this is because he fancies her more or you're not as good as her, if everything was the other way around, she were married to him and you were the friend, he would have behaved this way toward you and kind of left her out.Secondly because you were drinking do you think you could have perceived that all the attention was on her and he ignored you because you started getting a bit drunk and emotional? Sometimes when I drink I get a little bit upset and I have no idea why! Some people get paranoid after a drink.And thirdly it could be the same for him and he was a little bit too drunk and he had no idea he was acting like a bit of an ass. That's the thing you were all drunk and people act in a different way than they normally would if sober.It's not in your best interest to be told threesomes have disaster written all over them and you shouldn't really do it when you're in a serious relationship or with a friend because it's all happened now. So the best advice I can give you is to try and change your way of thinking about it.If you were the friend he would have behaved this way toward you, it's not that she's better, she's just a new naked person he could fool around with. It may sound clinical but there were no emotions there simply something different and a bit exciting that he knows won't happen all the time. I had a threesome years ago with a friend and a man I wasn't in a very serious relationship with and hadn't slept with that much and he paid both of us attention equally as it was all still quite new with me. But I can bet if I were with him for years it would have been different.You do need to tell him that you feel quite upset by his actions, even though I'm saying why he behaved this way it doesn't hurt any less. I think when it was all going on you should have said that you wanted it to stop. He got carried away and because you said nothing he probably thought it was all fine. I don't know why you slept on the couch, that was the time to tell him you really weren't impressed!You need to stop thinking he cheated on you as you went in to this wanting to behave sexually towards another person that wasn't him. You wanted to do this because you wanted sex with another woman, just because it's the opposite sex you still actually had sex with somebody besides your husband just as he had sex with somebody who wasn't his wife.So my advice is change the way you are thinking about his attention to her as he would have done this with you if she were his wife, stop thinking it's cheating and tell him that you need a confidence boost after that and he needs to make you feel like you're beautiful. Don't keep this to yourself, try not to get upset when you talk about it with him just tell him you felt a little left out.
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reader, Ivyblue +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Sounds like a big let down and I can see why you feel the way you do. The 'invited' third person shouldn't be granted exclusivity above a spouse. Her being the subject of all his attention to the point of your exclusion, I would agree, a bit like cheating. People get annoyed if they are left alone at a dinner party while there spouse is off socialising so to do it in during a threesome -whoa BIG NO NO...You can't take back whats happen and would strongly suggest you talk this through with your man sooner rather than later. You are well justified in letting him know that his insensitive and selfish treatment has left you feeling devalued to the point of having concerns for your relationship. I can get why he behaved like this, I mean what man wouldn't thank his lucky stars he has a wife like you, got all that bit too caught in the sexual excitement but hey, thats not a get out of jail free card either, he should have handled it better there is no doubt about that. Then there is your friend too, my advise would be to sort this out with her too. Be honest that you are having a hard time ATM and need to keep your distance till your ready to move forward. All the best
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Oh gosh poor you! This is my issue with threesomes. I would never ever be able to have one. My insecurity and jealousy is too high. Really you should never engage in anything like this while drunk. In this situation preparation is key. Rules need to be established and adhered to. Such as no sleeping in the same bed afterwards. You can put boundaries on the kind of sexy. You could have arranged so you could fool with her while he watched but he couldn't get involved with her. Unfortunately this has all sort of been skipped and as a result there were no rules for him to break. He acted without regard for your feelings and probably doesn't see it that way as you effectively gave permission for this to happen. That sounds harsh but please understand I'm not saying it's your fault at all. Even tho you both agreed to this he should always have been aware of you and your feelings. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? You need to talk about it. Decide why this happened and try to move past it. I would have to go to couples counselling if this was me. I'd feel so inadequate and I am not a person who can move past things that make me feel unwanted. Please talk to him, see if what he says can make you feel better. And agree never to do this again. If you tell him how you feel and he pushes for you to have a threesome again then I would draw the line and take action because it shows he doesn't care.
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