A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner (who is 37) left me (mid twenties) after having sex with me. I had been with my partnr for three years and last week, we finally had sex. At first I wanted to wait, as I had never had sex before and was afraid it would hurt and I wasn't sure about him. A year into our relationship, I was sure that he was a good guy and I felt comfortable, so I told him we could have sex. The following two years, nothing happened, as HE wasn't ready as he had self esteem issues he said (even though he has had sex with previous gfs in the past before he met me). So last week, it just sort of happened naturally. A few days later, he broke up with me and left the home we share. He wont tell me why, or if it was the bad sex (it was bad btw, as it took a while to get things going as I was too tight etc). I'm really in shock at the moment, it hasnt sunk in that he has left, but I do know if he does not come back, I'm going to lose it. He was my first proper bf, sexual partner and the first time I ever lived with anyone. Why did he leave me after three years? Nothing else has happened, it can only be the sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Hello everyone, thanks for your replies
@Tisha, yes this is me. I havent posted in a while but I decided to when this happened.
He has contacted me and asked me to leave the house, which I will as it belongs to him. I'm in the process of packing. He said that he didn't think we were right for each other, and that having sex proved it. He said, since he split with his ex, he hasnt wanted to really be intimate with anyone.
I am so broken at the moment. I loved this man more than anything.
A
male
reader, tonik  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 2 years = 24 months without sex? The guy is gay, he's confused on his sexuality. Or he could be haunted by something, either he was molested or somethimg. Try to find out where he is and book for counselling.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 August 2011):
 This relationship was *off* from the start. Aren't you the poster who would give him daily blowjobs? And he never would touch your genitals or try to pleasure you?
He's got something else going on. My guess is he's a closeted gay man or he experienced some sort of trauma that keeps him from enjoying sex in the 'normal' way.
I expect there have been huge red flags waving in your face but you overlooked them... Time to go into self-preservation mode!
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (3 August 2011):
Having bad sex does not cause people to do a runner. He has done a runner because the prospect of the growing level of intimacy between the two of you is scary for him, if he has the kind of self esteem issues that would prevent him from having sex with his partner for 3 years, he would struggle with intimacy and this step has been confronting for him. So he has bolted like a frightened mare. It is also the reason he can't talk about it. He might not even be aware what is so difficult for him to face.
It sounds like you have both been avoiding intimacy, if you have waited so long before having sex. It might be difficult for either of you to really confront and talk about, but you will need to be able to communicate about what happned, and all of the difficult feelings that have come up, if your relationship is to survive.
You have indicated that you have a style of operating where it is natural for you to blame yourself, or for you to take responsibility for things that happen in the relationship. Realise that in many cases there is a joint responsibility, and in some cases, such as this, his leaving is not an action you are responsible for. It is not your fault that it happened and you should not put the blame on your shoulders.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This doesn't make sense.
It happens, I know someone it happened to, but they didn't wait 3 years, and both of them were virgins.
You guys lived together, he wasn't a virgin, and he just up and leaves? Something much more serious going on.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 This may be a blessing in disguise coz in my opinion, it looks like you are better without this guy.
One thing is, a normal guy will never do this. All the aunts are right, how could he be with you a year and lived with you for another 2 years without even having sex with you? And then leave you after the first time? Surely he has serious issues.
I cannot think of any reason but the following:
1. He could be traumatized with regards to sex earlier in his life (abused, harrassed etc).
2. He could be gay all along.
A normal guy would never do this. But all the 3 years are there and this is what happened?
If I were you as he already left, don't chase him. Live your own life, move on. I believe this happened for the better. Sure it hurts but that is how love is, we get hurt when people we love leave us. It's just normal. So just go through with it, you are still young and your Mr. Right is still coming for you.
Cheer up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I understand the desire to wait for sex. I understand the urge to stay with someone extra long just to finally get them into the sack. I understand wanting to leave someone just because sex was bad.
But I don't understand what this guy did. Nobody with a brain in their head judges a virgin to be a bad lay after their first time. And nobody dates a girl for two years and moves in with her just on the thrill of the chase to sex.
It's him with the issues here, not you.
I also think you deserve to get a lot more closure on this even if it is just him telling you that he's not ready for a sexual relationship. Maybe he thought he was ready and then the act convinced him otherwise, I don't know.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 No one leaves because of a first bad time sex. Nuh-uh. It was something else. Maybe all the pressure? Maybe he planned to leave you for a long time now, and then thought that he'd have sex with you before he left, as a last "good-bye" thing?
Anyway, the evidence is in the open, the guy is weird. Do not go nuts! You're young, got your whole life ahead of you, and PLENTY of time to find someone more worthwhile. Let the old fart go sail his own ship, you've got the better end of the deal seeing as he is the one with all the issues.
Congratulations is in order I believe, to you! Congratulations on finally being free to be your own master, to meet friends and hang out with guys that you weren't allowed to see before, live where you want to live, do what you want to do! And congratulations on becoming a woman sexually. Next time, with a man who is physically attracted to you and knows how to treat you right, it will be wonderful, Im confident. With the right partner, sex is always great.
This breakup is GOOD. Mourn for a while, sure, it takes time to adapt. But after the mourning is done you will feel so much better, like life has finally begun. You will get through this just like everyone else on the planet gets through it, and it only makes you a stronger and better person.
Now, find some friends, get glammed up and have a few beers/drinks and share some laughs. That is the best medicine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I have a lot of respect for you for waiting until YOU were ready! well done!
It does seem a bit weird that he waited an extra two years after you giving him the go-ahead... most men would literally jump on you there and then! You said it was because of self-esteem issues? Maybe he too was actually in fact a virgin?! You said it wasn't good (which is completely natural...very few people have an amazing first time. I know mine wasn't great either!) Maybe he thinks it was his fault that it wasn't good and so felt embarrassed? Either way, surely after 3 years bad sex wouldn't end the relationship?!
He's the only person who will be able to tell you why he left. I think you need to call him and arrange to meet up. Make it casual with no pressure. Then, when you are chatting, you have the opportunity to ask what happened.
Please don't think this is your fault... I agree with Aunty BimBim... I think he's the problem, not you!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 August 2011):
 I really do think, in this case, it isn't you, its him. It seems odd that it took two years after you agreed to have sex with him, and AFTER you moved in with him, for him to actually get around to doing it.
This situation is odd, just odd, he seems odd, none of this makes much sense.
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