A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know who to turn to for advice because this is such a sensitive subject. Over the last couple of years I have been losing attraction to my wife and even finding her repulsive at times. I am not a superficial person but it has been building up inside and I just don't know how to handle it. I also feel terrible and guilty over it, and find myself thinking the kind of things I used to think only total jerks would.We are both late 20s and have been together for 10 years and married for 3 of them. She is quite overweight and has an BMI which is obese. She has actually been this way since we met, although because I knew she had lost weight over the couple of years before we met I did hope she might continue to. I found her pretty despite this and I was ok with girls who have meat on their bones. We are very similar people in life and we are matched quite well even if we're not perfect. I have always prefered women with pear-shaped bodies than apple-shaped which my wife has, but I seemed to be ok with this at the time when we were first dating and of course when you fall in love you see past looks.Fast-forward to now, and over the last year or maybe even two I gradually seem unable stop focusing on her body and weight being unattractive to me. What I'm really ashamed of is that I actually think I often subconciously take it out on her which makes no sense and makes me feel even more guilty. When I say take it out, what I mean is treat her worse, I would never actually tell her what I think. I am atleast average looking and have quite an athletic body and my wife frequently avoids events with people I know as she feels like she lets me down. I used to find it easy to ignore other women but now it's making me crazy. When I go out and everywhere I look there are women I find way more attractive it makes me crazy. when I'm at the mall and all I see are ugly or overweight men with women way more attractive than my wife I boil over with jealousy and anger. I hate reacting like this and always thought I was one of the less superficial men out there in the world, but my mind or hormones seem to be telling me otherwise. I used to also be able to easily ignore other women who show an interest in me, but this seriously affects my mood too when someone really hot clearly likes me. I'm not a player and it's not that I would love to jump on that right away or anything, but it keeps my mind from ignoring this whole business.I think my taste in women has also gradually changed. Now I prefer skinnier and even taller women than I used to, and I have started to really appreciate waists and hips too which are features that are further and further from my wife who is overweight and without curves.To make things more complicated my wife isn't one of these lazy slobs who wont get their ass off the couch. She diets, counts calories and exercises a lot, but her weight just doesn't budge. We researched a lot of hormone and chemical imbalances that stop people losing weight and none fit her at all. We still wanna get tests done to make sure, but it's a long shot. So I feel completely hopeless about her ever losing weight. She comes from a family that are all quite large so I think it is the way she is and nothing she does can alter it. It must be much worse for her and if I left her because of lack of physical attraction I'd feel so much more guilty because she has actually seriously tried to lose weight for a long time.We have no kids yet but we are still married and I am almost sure I still love her. It would still be a massive thing for us to break up and divorce because we've spent nearly the entire last decade together and it would be hard to start a life from scratch. Also, honestly,it seems like such a trival thing to end a marriage over too, but I always read on the internet how important physical attraction is and Besides, who am I to deny the importance of something that appears to be making me miserable. On the flip side I know all womens looks fade and nobody will look good forever, but I do believe even if someone puts weight on when they age I might find it sexy if they had a body shape I like, and even now it is not uncommon for me to find older curvy women sexually attractive.To be frank, I cannot imagine getting divorced over this as I don't think I could live with myself after. I don't know how to get through it and get over it though, and there is a voice in my head reminding me its easier now with no kids and the worst thing I can do is cement the marriage by having children. It would take something huge like repeated infidelity for me to divorce someone once I have kids with them.What do you all think? Do I need to just quit my bitching, deal with it, and bury it somewhere so deep it'll hopefully never resurface? It has crossed my mind that if I can deal with it until I have passed my prime and women my age are losing their bodies and looks it'll no longer torture me because I won't have the options I have now, not to mention I may have kids who would shut divorce down completely as an option.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 August 2011):
 thank you for your follow up. Sounds like it is time to proudly take your wife out, hold her hand, and show her affection. Who knows how much it might lift her spirits?Well done for considering Thyroid as an issue and for considering relaxtion activities like yoga.A relaxed, happy, loved wife may find it easier to lose weight.After all no one can say your wife does not try her very best to lose weight.Though LapBand surgery may be the best solution.I wish you both all the best in the future.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 I understand your fear of telling her, but look at it this way - if you dont tell her, that basically means divorce is the only option. Does she not have the right to know how you are feeling? As your wife she is supposed to share everything with you, it is so cruel not to give her the chance to change things and save her marriage.
Yes it will hurt her - for any man or woman to hear from their partner that they are not physically attracted to them anymore is going to be awful and incredibly painful. But it would be more painful for her to find out you are leaving her and she never had a chance to make things work. She will spend the rest of her life wondering where it went wrong and what she could have done to make it better.
Give her a chance - she might just surprise you. Dont just sit there and tell her "your fat and I'm attracted to other women now" - that is the wrong way to go about it. But there is a way to talk to her that will be constructive rather than purely hurtful.
Explain to her how much you love her and how desperate you are to make this marriage work. Tell her that you have been hiding this for a while now because you dont want a divorce over something so petty, but you are struggling with this marriage at the moment because of her weight. Tell her you will always love her no matter what shape or size she is, but you dont feel physically attracted to her at the moment and it is because of her weight. Tell her you understand she is really trying hard to lose the weight and you appreciate that, you are proud of her efforts so far and want to help her lose more weight.
That is when you should drop in that you will get her a personal trainer, go to see a nutritionist, go to a doctor etc.
If I were in a position where my husband said something like the above to me, of course it would be very painful to hear but it would really spur me into action, knowing I could lose my husband over my weight would really give me some motivation. At the moment your wife knows she is overweight but you havent told her how unhappy you are, so as much as she is aware of it she will be thinking "oh its all ok, he hasnt said anything so he cant be too unhappy with me". I promise you this - she will appreciate you telling her your problems more than she will appreciate you walking out, issuing the divorce papers and then walking past her in the street a few months later with a tall skinny woman on your arm. That would be the biggest kick in the teeth - you have to tell her how you feel and stop hiding it. NOW!!
I think a lot of what you have said about your own self esteem and being bored with your wife is very true - I think you are looking at other women now because you want to boost your own self esteem and self worth, proving to others how great you are because you can attract a beautiful woman. But the novelty of a beautiful woman will wear off, jealousy when you see other men looking at her will creep in, feelings of self-doubt will appear when you worry you are not good enough for her, and eventually you will feel just as bored and hurting with a thin woman as you do now with your wife.
You made vows to your wife, you met her and fell in love with her - so there must be something from the start that attracted you to her. Hold onto this, hold onto your vows and make this marriage work. Do all you can to help your wife - which includes telling her how you feel! Hiding this any longer is simply a fast track to divorce, if you dont tell her you will be miserable, she will be in denial and nothing will get fixed.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Dear OP
I feel that I can identify with your wife. I was a “fat” child, grew up into a fat adult..........not anyone else fault but MY fault.
I lose weight and then put it on......over the years I have really tried to take care of my appearance.
I always knew that my hb preferred a slimmer wife and that HE LOVED ME ENOUGH to talk to me about health issues, and the weight gain. I had to do something about my weight bec i knew that although he loved me, i needed to also love myself............ and guess what? I lost that bloody extra kgs..............and when I did my hubby could not handle it. he was jealous..........although he wouldn’t admit it.
The only reason u do not want to tell your wife is not that u do not want to hurt her feelings BUT BEC U have already made up your mind to divorce her. Admit it. you have already decided that u want out and that there are better women for you, But what u fail to realise is that you may think that the grass is greener on the other side, however the reality is that this is rarely the situation. Your inability to be honest with your wife stems from the fact that u want to railroad her and leave her. This is just plain cruel. Although she will be hurt if she knew what your true feelings about her was, she will actually respect you for being honest with her. Perhaps u need to be honest with yourself. For you it seems like you would prefer if she remains obese and then u divorce her bec you just disinvested in your marriage and u have been ogling other women . its good that u now notice the other women BUT perhaps u need to dig deep within yourself and be true to yourself.
Give your wife the opportunity to redeem herself in your eyes instead of railroading her. Right now you know in your heart that the end result is going to be that u are going to divorce her. This is just plain cruel because of your motives.
I have struggled with weight issues all my life and now although i have lost that weight, i can still empathise and identity with obese people.
LOOK, U ARE NOT A BAD HB BUT , your M.O is questionable.
Sometimes beauty is actually just skin deep. Sometimes we need to look beyond the superficial and see the real person behind the flab. I am complimented, am told that i am “beautiful” and sometimes get hit on. My hb has stuck with me through my weight issues and i am just so blessed that he loved me enough to walk this weight issue journey with me.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank to everyone for taking the time to answer. I can't tell you how good it feels to talk about, even if it is over the internet.
I just want to make clear that I have never told my wife these things, never bought her clothes that won't fit her, never made snide comments or given her put-downs, and I have not emotionally crushed her and I plan to do everything not to crush her emotionally in the future. Did you get mixed up with a different person on a different thread?
Quite a few of you think I should discuss these issues with her, but I am not really so sure. I feel like it would destroy her self-esteem and she would have trouble seeing it from my point of view as the innocent husband robbed of his attraction to his wife. I can't see how it wouldn't do irreparable damage to our relationship. I actually read an internet forum the other day about a woman whose husband did this and how it destroyed her inside, then there were comments from woman after woman after woman who had experienced the same thing. The agreed conclusion on that discussion was that if you plan to tell your wife this, be prepared to follow it up with divorce papers! I have no desire to hurt my wife and if we did divorce over loss of attraction I still don't think I would be entirely honest with her about it, especially not in direct manner anyway as I think it would scar her. She does sometimes look in the mirror, call herself fat, and then say she doesn't know how I can have sex with her and that even she wouldn't have sex with herself! I think she thinks I am okay with it just because I don't agree with her. I would have to be a dumba** so openly agree with her but I don't think she considers this. Instead I have to silently suffer though everytime this happens half of me wants to scream out YEH! The noble thing to do is stay silent, yet it feels like there should be some reward for doing this, some recognition for being a good person or something, but there will never be.
As for her weight loss, she walks a couple of miles a day, goes to the gym for around 90 minutes 5 times a week. We go to the gym together when we can and also do other activities together. She weighs her food, counts calories, and eats around 1500 to 1800 per day avoiding fatty foods or too many carbs. She has never had a sweet tooth and almost never drinks soda, never adds sugar to anything, and doesn't crave candy or chocolate. I know that she isn't doing absolutely everything possible but I think she does a pretty good job of trying for someone with no results. I know how this sounds, but I actually avoid going to the gym too often because I feel guilty if I bulk up easily, which is something I tend to do. We are actually going ahead and getting tests for imbalances and thyroid functioning, but I still don't think it's any of these after reading about them several times one the internet. I have thought about seeing a nutritionist and maybe we should, but I might have trouble getting her to do it. She's had a few experiences before where doctors have told her to lose weight, then accused her of binging on chocolate and fast food and not believed her she she says she really doesn't. So I can understand why she avoids these situations. I know a lot of overweight lie to others and themselves about how they eat and exercise, but these people have made if harder for those that really have tried and do need real help because specialists and professionals find it so easy to not believe them when they say they don't eat a tub of haagen daaz every evening. I will try to talk to her about seeing a nutritionist anyway though. Can you tell me what kind of things they might pick up on or suggest? I might also suggest yoga as one of you suggested and maybe getting a personal trainer, which are all good ideas - thank you.
I think that the couple of you that made comments about me and how I may have changed could maybe be onto something. Although I am sure that I do genuinely find other women way more attractive from an objective point of view, and not just because they are something new, I have on a few occasions thought this could be me just getting bored of my wife. I guess most married couples do get a bit bored with their partners, and even if this is all that is happening to me I still can't help thinking it would be easier with someone else or that I would get less bored. I would never ever allow her to think this, but I do feel embarrassed to be out with her possibly subconciously this results in me not holding her hand or showing affection a lot. I just feel like I've had this for so long that I deserve better. I deserve to be proud of who I'm with. I sound like a total a*****le I'm sure. Don't worry people, I have a conscience so I feel like one!
Somebody asked about me as a person. I do suffer from self esteem problems and some stress and social anxiety. Although I seem to be able to easily fake it half the time and convince people (and even myself) that I'm confident and laid back, the other half of the time I act like a total whackjob and say awkward and strange things because I'm so nervous around people. Maybe I wouldn't be able to cope with a more a attractive partner because of this. On the other hand maybe with a more attractive partner I would have more self-worth through being proud of who I am with and it would lead to me be a more confident, more social, more optimistic, and generally better person.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Has your wife talked to a nutritionist? Has she been patient in trying to lose weight? Has she tried any weight loss supplements? If her obesity is hereditary more than likely her option is surgery. My cousin had his stomach shrunk and he lost an incredible amount of weight. Part of relationship is to be sexually attracted. Its an ingredient for success. Do not feel guilty about lack of attraction. Youre helping her and being patient.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 August 2011):
You feel you are at the CrossRoads. And that now is the time to work out if you stay or if you go? This is a terrible situation to be in. And you must feel seriously conflicted. Do you like who you are? And are you proud of how far you've come at this point in your life? And are you starting the achieve the goals you set yourself 10 years ago?When your first met your wife I bet she had certain qualities and a good character and a kindness that set her apart from the rest.Looks can fade, you even say that you ''know all women's looks fade'', but good character endures and is to be cherished.When we enter into a contract with another person (to run a business or achieve a goal, OR as a decision to tell the world that this person is your chosen life partner. Then we tell the world, 'hey, this is my promise to you'. And Honorable people honor their promises. When difficulties arise they roll up their sleeves and work on solutions that demonstrate respect for all the Parties involved. And see problems as opportunities to discover solutions. In your case you mention that your ''taste in women has gradually changed''But you do not want to tell your wife this. But already you are seeing outcomes, situations, reasons that are making you feel uncomfortable about remaining as one of the parties to that contract. I asked if you were comfortable in your own skin, because when a person is comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with who they are, and where they are going then they don't need to crush people. They certainly don'tneed to belittle people who they (erroneously) think are their ''inferiors''If you have ever met such a person you'll know it's mean spirtited, disrespectful petty behavior. And, I suggest, the man she fell in love with was not mean spirited. Is there a possibility that it is you who has changed?. If that is the case, then she lives with that fact, she endures the judgemental actions, possibly only because she knows that beautiful guy she married, is still there. Is it that your remarks are not well enough hidden? Not if your wife is implying that ''she feels she lets you down''.Why would she say that? Are there less than subtle ''hidden'' put downs and snide remarks??? Only asking.At least you will never need to sit down and apologize to your wife for buying her clothing she can't fit into. That would be so mean. How would a man feel if his wife draped Extra Extra Large condoms on the bedside table? With respect, such a low act might (if the size is incorrect) make a guy feel like §§¥#!Ask your wife what she needs from you now, to help heal the emotional wounds that have been inflicted. Do give her the recognition she deserves for all the things she has tried to date to lose weight. Offer to do some loving things to reconnect with your wife. Take it very slowly. A fully clothed full body massage might be a start. When she is having a bath ask her if you can soap her back?Ask her if her thyroid has been checked out - it may or may not make a difference - but it is worth checking out. And ask her if the two of you might be able to, together, check out Lap-Band surgery. There are many aspects that need checking out, including the cost. But if it solved the problem then it might be the solution she has been seeking.Get plenty of advice and talk to others who have been through it.If you are looking for an opportunity to move on, then don't try any of the above. But do please consider if you are undermining your wife and talk to her about your big mis-givings and your concerns about a future together. Surely the truth could be presented to her kindly, as you would never want such action to break her heart. Though you will be able to go out and choose a girl based on her current looks. While your wife may be lucky enough to find a nice guy who values her for just being her, and also respects her character.
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A
female
reader, itmeangel121 +, writes (2 August 2011):
 There is no real answer for yours. But if you do leave her leave her before you have children. Yes body shapes change with age. Hang in there you'll know what to do when time is right. Life is to short to be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 August 2011):
If she really does exercise daily, is on a diet and is careful about what she eats (sorry but as a formerly overweight person myself I dont believe she does this, or at least she isnt doing it right!) and still doesnt lose weight, then she must seek help from a doctor as there has to be a medical reason at play here.
But as I said before - I simply dont believe that she 'cant' lose weight and has tried everything. That is the most commonly used excuse in the book for overweight people, they always reel out 'oh but I've tried everything, every diet I've done it and I still dont lose weight'. And that is because these diets normally last a couple of days before they go back to over-eating, then they try another diet the week after. Their idea of exercise is walking to the shops to buy more food, not actually working out properly and putting some real effort into it.
I think you need to be honest and tell your wife how you feel - it might just be the kick up the ass she needs to lose weight. You cant keep eyeing up other women behind her back and carry on feeling like this, if you try and push it to the back of your mind it will only get worse, you may even end up cheating on her. It will be a horrible conversation, and she will be uspet - but at least you're being honest and she knows what is going on in your head. She will have noticed something, she is your wife after all and she knows you well, she will be able to tell that physically you are becoming more distant. So she might actually be relieved to hear it is her weight, rather than you cheating...or something like that.
Explain to her you love her very much and you dont ever want to be without her, but physically you are struggling to be attracted to her because of the weight and you want to figure out a way to help her and sort this out.
Have you thought about getting her a personal trainer? Seeing a nutritionist? Paying for her to go on Weight Watchers or some other slimming club? Working out together - you could go for long hikes at weekends (uphill to make sure you are really working), go swimming together, go out jogging....if you do it together it is a nice way to spend time together in a healthy way.
No-one on this earth is born to be obese - yes some people are born bigger than others and that is their natural shape, but obsesity is not natural and that only comes through over-eating and under-exercising. She probably wont ever be tall and skinny, but she can lose weight - I'm sure there are plenty of changes she can make to her lifestyle that will work, she just needs that push to do it.
Do you know on average what she eats each day? Does she work? Do you know what exercise she does? If you do know this I can probably tell you where she is going wrong, often it is just little things that all add up and cause the weight to stay put rather than losing anything.
It took me ages to lose weight - I was in the camp of 'I've tried everything' and even went to the doctors for loads of tests, all came back negative of course. But now I have lost 16lbs and I have another 15 to go to get to my goal weight of 133lbs. Yes I was never obese, but I was overweight for my height (I'm only 5"3) and it has been a struggle but finally the weight is coming off.
Where was I going wrong? Eating the wrong kinds of foods (I was eating healthily, but some of it was still processed, and some meals were over 500 calories which is a big no no!). I tried walking and swimming but that doesnt work, it is not intensive enough and with swimming you can just go at your own pace rather than really push yourself. So I am training for a half marathon and that is really working. To actually lose weight you really have to make some sacrifices and some massive changes in your life, eating a side salad with your dinner instead of potatoes and walking a bit more isnt going to cut it.
I honestly dont believe your wife has done all she can to lose weight - that is nonsense. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and figure it out together how you are going to improve the situation. Be supportive and be there for her when times get hard, she cant be upset with you for being honest and as long as you are not nasty about it (i.e. dont sit there and call her fat!) then you are perfectly valid in raising your concerns.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Monica  +, writes (2 August 2011):
I think you a really a good person for coming out like this. Every relationship has it rough patches so for a start we might consider this as one of yours.
If you are really not a superficial person, you need to sit and make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship kinda like a'why do i love my wife list' You also need to find more things to do together maybe workout play a sport e.t.c
You might want to get professional help for the weight problems especially sice she has tried so hard already.
I have no doubt in my mind that you do love you wife especially because you have so many great things to say about her in spite of......
Hang in there and make the most of now. You will get past this time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Tell her to try yoga. Usually does the trick for people failing to lose weight. You have to be patient with it but health benefits all round worth the fight.
I would tell her how I feel and let her decide. Its not fair to be with someone when you find them repulsive. You sound like a reasonable open bloke that is very concerned and thoughtful. I think she deserves to know what her man thinks of her and your future. I feel that if it continues like this... you will both be miserable. Good luck.
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