A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. He is 28 and I am 25. The relationship moved really quickly and I absolutely fell in love with him and him with me. This past weekend, I found out that he has two children he never told me about. I found out when his crazy ex-girlfriend came storming into his bedroom at 9 in the morning screaming that she was his girlfriend and that he has 2 children he isn't taking care of. He now claims that he didn't tell me because he cared about me a lot and didn't want to lose me, that he thought it was unfair to load that much on me so early, and that he was planning to tell me this week. Now all of the lies about where he was going, who he was spending his time with, are seriously making him doubt whether I can trust him. I love him, I want to be with him but I don't know if I can get over this. Help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Yikes. So now apparently it's not just you and him, but you and him and another woman and their children. Dating a man who has kids from a previous relationship is already tough because it means the ex is never out of the picture. It can only work if they truly have zero interest in each other and it goes both ways. But she is obviously still extremely focused on him so this is not going to go well unless you have a high tolerance for drama and conflict. You will end up questioning his loyalty to you because at times it will seem he still is tied to her. Basically this guy is NOT single no matter what he tells you. He simply is just in a very messy relationship that has distance in it at times (which he fills with you). Her having his kids gives her a lot of power to control their relationship. Not in a healthy way of course, but unhealthy relationships can and do drag on for years and some never fully get resolved.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (17 July 2013):
 You can stay with him. And choose to believe what he tells you because of how you feel towards him. But I'm telling you now and can damn near promise you, this will not end well. This will drag out until you hate each other, if it even makes it that long. You won't trust a thing he says. He may even try and fix it, try and prove he's honest. And it won't matter. You will want to check up on him when he says he is going out. He's lied for months about where he is when he goes out, how could you not always worry he could be lying? Once you realize he is capable of such a huge lie you realize he can lie about anything, and will. People without morals who are capable of such deceit will constantly act this way.
He has the additional baggage of an 'ex' girlfriend and children he doesn't care about. And a crazy 'ex' is nothing to ignore, it is a lot of drama and she will always be in his life, always. Staying with him means this crazy girl is now in your life and there is nothing you can do about it. But trust alone is the biggest problem. You have only known him for 3 months and the trust is shattered. It will never, not ever, be a healthy relationship from this point. It will be a lot of fighting, heart ache, questioning him... You will waste a lot of time on something that is going nowhere. It is your choice of course. Hopefully you can use logic more than what you are feeling in your heart. It's shame on him for lying, but it's shame on you for being dumb enough to stay after he did.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2013):
 Wow. So he basically lied to you for 3 months? Fascinating. And you think that this is normal or okay?
You can be deeply infatuated and over the moon and all the sexy hot stuff in 3 months. BUT, if the guy in question has failed to tell you some extremely significant things from day one, then he's a loser. Loser, loser, loser.
Sorry he was slick enough to con you but it's time you woke up. If you let him con you now, it's your choice and your decision.
Loser.
"Help?" you ask. Break up with him ASAP. That will be the best help you can give yourself!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I love it how guys like your fella is calling his ex crazy.. Who knows, maybe SHE was the one telling the truth? Maybe (since she could WALK into his bedroom at 9am) she still IS his GF..
Sorry, I would walk away, no.. I would RUN from this. Don't waste more time on this drama-llama show. 3 months together is NOTHING in the big picture. And honestly, you have NOTHING if you don't even know if you can trust him. From now on EVERYTHING out of his mouth you will doubt. How is that for a good healthy relationship?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 “He thought it was unfair to load that much on me so early…” WHICH PART WAS UNFAIR?
W. Him falling in love really quickly after 3 months!?
A. His crazy ex-girlfriend came storming into his bedroom!
R. The EX HAVING A HOUSE KEY!
N. He has 2 children he isn't taking care of
I. He has two children he never told you about.
N. He cares about you a lot, and didn't want to lose you
G. He now claims …he was planning to tell you this week
S. All the lies about spending his time elsewhere
I. He seriously has doubt whether you can trust him
G. You love him; you want to be with him, after all this?
N. He’s absolutely finally right; you can not trust him!
Take Care - CAA
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 July 2013):
I would be concerned about this guy. If he truly cared and wanted you to be apart of his life....seriously....he would of been honest up front.
For the ex to storm in and you had no idea that he had 2 kids and you were at his place. I would wonder if he takes care of his kids at all. Why is there no pictures of his kids in his home? Why is there no clothes or toys for his kids to play with? There is no bedroom for his kids to spend the night? Wow!! This tells me that he doesn't take responsibility for his kids or ownership. Huge Huge Hints!
I would want to be with a guy who loves his kids. The kids should be waaaayyyy more important then a concern that some girl wouldn't care or like him because he has kids. His lack of acknowledgement for his kids would be a HUGE red flag to me.
I would be glad that his ex came in to his bedroom and told you the TRUTH. I would run away from him right to her house and say THANKS for the heads up!
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A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (17 July 2013):
 "The relationship moved really quickly and I absolutely fell in love (...)"
Moving quickly (or the impression of it) is usually not a good thing, in my experience.
If he hasn't told you about the children, then he either has not yet reached the point where he is making serious considerations, or that he is being dishonest. Full stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): This is a deal breaker, you need to break up with him. here are the reasons this will not work (and you didn't do anything wrong, this is all on him):
1. You're already sleeping over at his place (indicating a certain level of intimacy or 'seriousness' to the relationship) yet he didn't tell you he had kids. That is messed up and back wards, this is not normal. usually one should first disclose important personal information like having kids, before the relationship gets to the stage where you're sleeping over at his place.
2. His ex still has the keys to his house. Hmm...that means that maybe she isn't really an ex and instead he has been keeping her around in limbo maybe promising her that they will reconcile or work on their relationship...all while courting you. it's very clear that he isn't single after all, he just has been hiding his other relationship.
Run far away from this guy...not just the fact that he lied and you now can't trust him anymore, but the fact that he has kids and a crazy ex (or maybe she isn't even an 'ex' yet) is a major issue. this changes EVERYTHING.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2013):
 oh yeah AGREED... NONE of my ex partners ever had keys to my place. first thing I did was change the locks.
MY mother had a key till the day she died.
currently one neighbor and my bff have keys to my place not even my grown children have keys to my place.
yeah honey... if you want to stay... stop sleeping with him till you know you can walk away from the lying cheating man he appears to be. you can HEAR his words but LISTEN to and PAY ATTENTION to his actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): I had a boyfriend do that once. It didn't work out just think if he can lie about something that big what else can he lie about ?????
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 July 2013):
 Oh yeah, forgot one thing!
She has keys to his place. I doubt if she were an ex, he would have let her keep a copy of them, and if she were an ex, he would have threatened to call the police on her for breaking and entering.
She's *NOT* an ex! Going into his bedroom at 9am without him calling the cops on her and demanding her key is a good indication that he was, in fact, busted by her legitimately on cheating.
I knew a guy who would tell girls that he had an ex-girlfriend who was working on moving out of their house. He used that lie to get with other women, and he would move things fast with other women as well. Turns out, she was his wife and pregnant. Nothing "ex" about her.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 July 2013):
I'd say that you should stay with him as long as you understand that you will probably never be able to expect anything from him.
Don't expect a family, responsibility, stability, honesty, etc.
So, basically treat him as you would a booty call.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2013):
Um, first off.. the EX have keys to his place and just walks in to start drama? Big no-no.
2. Having kids or not having kids need to be told up front, what IF you didn't want to date a man with kids? And at your age I think that perfectly OK to NOT want to date a dad.
Sorry, total deal breaker for me too.
Both the drama-llama ex walking in like that.. and him not telling you til he knew he had you reeled in.. yea, shitty move.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 July 2013):
I couldn't agree more with SVC. He denied his own family to you, and I'm guessing that her storming into his room means in fact that there's no "ex" about her, and that he's still with her with you on the side. She was NOT an ex.
How do I know this? First, things moved really fast. I'm guessing sexually. Second, he was lying about all the time he was spending. That means he was compartmentalizing what he was doing, and I'm guessing that it was to be with her and the kids.
Also, he's got kids and not taking care of them? Sorry, but I'd dump any guy who wasn't doing right by his own flesh and blood. Kids take precedence over everything.
It's one thing to delay you meeting his kids, but not telling you he has them? Sorry, but that's first date or second date at the most to disclose that. NOT after getting sexual with you, which is slimy and dishonest. He misrepresented himself, and he's a dirty cheating dog.
Do not let him lie to you. Do not try and "override" the logic simply because you have feelings or don't want to feel like a fool. He's lying his way out of stuff, and even if what he said was true, he should have told you before ever putting a hand on you, much less having sex. It's also disgusting that he would consider his kids to be drawbacks. Sure, they would limit his choices, but there are also women who would accept him. He has no business rushing into a sexual and dishonest relationship with someone. Someone with kids should take things really slow because they are protecting their children!
I can't tell you more strongly that he is no good for you. You have to leave him. To not do so is to put yourself at grave risk. He is a cheater, he has his girlfriend, and he's lying about the "ex" part. He'll say anything to get his little selfish system back, keep you putting out, and his kids are suffering because Daddy would rather deny their existence, deny them care, and get some sex on the side with someone he can lie to who doesn't demand he be a man.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2013):
OH hell for ME this would be a deal breaker.
How can a man not mention his children from day one?
and if he is that cold and is NOT taking care of his kids properly (financially and visitation) I would find him beneath contempt.
and of course now you know he can cut off his feelings for his own blood... and you don't trust him....
trust is everything and once broken is hard to impossible to fix.
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