A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaa
writes:Hi, so my boyfriend just came back off holiday, we've been quite rocky for a while but since he came back we've been really happy havnt argued once until this photo was uploaded on facebook. I just want advice on whether I'm being in reasonable with having a problem with this photo. He went with his brother brothers girlfriend and her friend. There was a photo of his brother and brothers girlfriend under a fountain in there swimwear and then I saw one with my boyfriend and brothers girlfriends friend in there swimwear under this fountain thing facing eachother, and the way they were stood it looked like they were a couple if you know what I mean. Am I being silly because I think anyone would get mad at a photo like that
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female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (23 September 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou and no it's not the same girl if it was I would have gone mad
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Honestly, I don't know if you can stop it. This kind of things is best nipped in the bud- you should have set boundaries, and stated clearly what you accept and what you don't at the beginning of the relationship. I suspect that you have let this state of things go on for quite a while, and , if your " ups and downs " refer to that, rather inefficiently- lots of pouting , protesting, feet stomping , but never really putting your foot down, always too anxious to swallow any explanation whatsoever as long it means you don't have to take a stand or make a choice . What kind of lame excuse is " I don't want to create trouble- i.e. hurt the feelings of a third party ?". Then, it means the third party 's feelings are more important than the gf's ones . And the gf , while she may be unable to change the situation, should not facilitate it, accepting as valid any kind of BS and therefore showing herself weak and manipulable. In other words, sorry but you have taught him to disrespect you and now it will be hard to change that.
Also, you have to honestly consider if you two are really seeing your r/ship with the same eyes. You want from him the
reliability and seriousness that you could legitimately expect from a committed partner... but the boy is only 18. Maybe he is not taking it as seriously as you- maybe he is just happily spending some time with a nice cute girl ( you ).... until the next nice cute girl shows up on his path. That does not make him a cruel callous monster, just makes him an 18 y.o. boy , about whom expectations should be kept reasonably low.
Anyway : since you cannot really ever change people , unless they decide to change on their own, IMO you have two options :
- evaluate the r/ship, decide that it gives you more joy than grief, accept that you are dating a female attention hog and a people pleaser, and that you can live with that; and do not fret about his indiscretions.
- decide that you CANNOT live with that- So sit him down and talk to him seriously and finally . Explain him that these kind of episodes make you reasonably feel unloved, disrespected and taken for granted, explain him that if he cares about you and he wants to be your boyfriend he must
act as a good bf, i.e. THINK before doing stupid , sneaky stuff like this. Don't get mad, don't get emotional, d , just explain him what needs to change and why,and that you mean business.
THEN, ( that's the clincher ) you've got to be adamant, and to be willing to walk away at once if something similar reoccurs.
It's really no use having " ups and downs " all the time about the same old issue, bickering about it then taking him back 20 times. Either you can live with the issue, or you cannot.
On a final note : don't tell me that the vacation girl is the same as the barbecue girl, uh ? ... I don't think so, but if she is, we are wasting words over nothing- he is just cheating on you , emotionally if not physically, and needs to be kicked out of your life.
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (21 September 2012):
OP, that sure sounds like a couples holiday. Your boyfriend's brother went with his girlfriend, and it was just coincidence that your boyfriend was there with another girl, his brother's girlfriend's friend? Then there is an incriminating pic of the two of them looking like a couple. On top of all that, you have been rocky for a while?
I'm sorry, but it sounds more than a little suspicious to me. You should definitely get mad about this. It sounds like he is exploring other options behind your back.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (21 September 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Thankyou, but what can i do stop it ad make sure this pattern stops?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 September 2012):
Hi Rebeccaa, to get a helpful answer you should always give the general picture, not just the single episode. You seem to ( or you try to ) consider this a single episode, but actually there's some history behind it, isn' there ?...
I think most people would say : eh, a pic of two people in their bathing suits, don't worry. But, I remember ( vaguely ) a previous post of yours . Something about a barbecue...
The story was, more or less ( and forgive me if I don't report all the details correctly ): your bf has a brother, this brother has an older gf, and this gf has a daughter or niece or younger friend who has a crush on your bf and comes on to him heavily . The bf is far from stalwart in fending off her advances, he's hemming and hawing, drags things on, he does not yield, but never says " sorry, I love my gf " or " No can do, I am not a cheater ".. he is VERY vague and feeds her vague bullshit . To the point he must turn her down when she gets ideas and sort of jumps on him at his place, and she feels hurt and makes a scene.
You find this out totally by chance, by a chat log or something.... and yr bf had never squeaked a pip about it.
Some days after there's a barbecue at his , or his brother's place- and you are mad at your bf's parents because they have invited that girl too and you feel disrespected.
My opinion was : do not be mad at his parents, it's not their responsibility to protect your r/ship and and watch over their son's loyalty- if any , you should be mad at HIM,- how difficult is it to say " No thanks, I have a gf ?! " His excuse was that he " did not want to cause trouble " with his bro and bro's gf...
Now, am I the only one who sees a parallel with this ?...
Once is an accident, two, it is the beginning of a pattern.
Either your bf is the sweetest,nicest, most considerate guy ever ( but not too considerate to you ,though) - or he is a clever , smug little smartass that laps up female attention and to get it will do whatever whenever, without ever thinking if it is proper or respectful to you. All he has to do is to play the innocent lamb and say " I am too nice to create trouble ".
So, while normally I would say, " don't stress about it, it was an innocent slip up , that's your insecurity "... I must say that your bf is giving you ground to feel insecure- if nothing else with his carefree , "whatever " attitude toward your feelings. And he will continue, until you let him get away with it.
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A
male
reader, O-SPARK  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Hie Rebeccaa, You are very reasonable to react this way, anyway, if i were in your shoes i would probably do the same thing. Not that i would want to hover around my girlfriend (your bf in this case) but truth be told, he's got to learn to respect you in the way he conducts himself. Tell him that you are not comfortable with the picture and that you demand nothing other than that he removes it (and this is not subject to discussion).My dear if you do not "take your space in this relationship or any other relationship, surely someone will". Put your foot in (not on) the ground and ensure that he respects your feelings and views (that's if he is a man enough to stand by that).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2012):
 Next ask him what he would do if he was in your shoes and he saw pictures of you like that with another man
and a 5 year age difference is a bit much at your age but her age is not the reason in anyway shape or form to discount your discomfort.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (20 September 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together almost a year, they did ask If I wanted to go with them but I couldn't. He's 18 and she's 23 id that makes any difference I have asked him ask them to remove It but he win he said it will cause to much trouble, so what do I do now? Let this pass by as well as him going on holiday with another girl which I did let pass, do I ignore it or what because there's nothing else I can do apart from break up with him or is there? Oh and also he told me he knew it was t right but still won't do anything about it and I asked him how he would feel if I did that and he said the same
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (20 September 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question He's 18 and she's 23 I don't know if that makes any difference? So I'm not being un reasonable, I did ask him about it and I said of you were clothed or stood facing forwards and not in wards it would be different, but they wernt. When I asked him he said they had one (his brother and brothers girlfriend) and they said oh you two have one, I have to admit her.. Boobs were pushed into his chest but he did seem like he was pulling away abit, I asked him to ask his brother to take it off but he wouldn't said he didn't wanna cause trouble I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Help?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
HIT enter too soon..
so he went on a vacation with another couple and NOT his girlfriend but ANOTHER GIRL
honey the writing is on the wall...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
did you ask him?
how long have you been a couple?
here's my take on it...
you are rocky
you are young
he went on vacation with his brother and ANOTHER GIRL...
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (20 September 2012):
You are right in having problems with that photo. In fact, your boyfriend was wrong in accepting going out in that way. It looks like he and this girl were being introduced to each other. But, let aside that. He should have been careful not taking such a photo.
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A
male
reader, BachelorGreatUncle +, writes (20 September 2012):
"we've been quite rocky for a while but since he came back we've been really happy havnt argued once"
Shot in the dark, but is this behavior consistent with previous events which led you two lovebirds to argue and be quite rocky prior to recent really happiness? If so, then I believe you have sufficient evidence to confront him. I'll betcha he'll reassure you it was harmless, they're just friends and it's all in the past, anyway.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (20 September 2012):
 I think you definataly need to get to the bottom of it.
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