A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married with 2 children. My husband has been deceiving me for a while now, lies over silly things.He watches porn when on business trips, i have seen the evidence on his hotel receipts. I have not confronted him but i know that if i did he would just say it was someone else's receipt (He did that a few years ago) which is why i don't even bother mentioning it now. He got in touch with a friend of his a year ago, there was a problem 6 years ago, they basically went on holiday behind my back, my husband pretending it was a business trip when really they went off to the Canaries. He then continued to go behind my back seeing this friend. He finally broke contact when he realised that i was going to seek a divorce. Anyway, a year ago i agreed to him resuming contact with this friend as long as he was honest about it, i am not interested in what they talk about,but if he see him be honest. He hasn't been, so that has caused further problems. He can't get it through his thick head that if he sees/speaks to this friend and tells me that is fine. Back in October he went to watch his football team play (as he does every week with our son and some friends) our son could not go, so he took that friend and would have lied to me, but i had found out that this friend had gone. He came up with a story,another friend had arranged for this person to come, pathetic, he had plenty of time to come up with that one. Anyway now it is almost xmas i am expected to go and get my present from my husband as he has no intention of going to get one for me, he said this to me earlier tonight. He will get one from the kids for me but that's it. I am fed up with this marriage which has been based on lies and to make things worse some female colleague of his seems to be after him. I wrote in on 18.12.07 regarding a text he had received wishing Happy Birthday and the effort she had made. If you read it, it will make sense. Am i just wasting my time with him?
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male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (20 December 2007):
Seeing as he isn't going to do any changing on his part, You need to make some long overdue changes. Take a walk and don't look back. Your are not in a marriage, Sweetheart. you'er in a social and an emotional battle-Zone. Do have a Great New Year and Dump him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): When I read posts like yours I am always amazed at how much crap and lies us girls do absorb but then I'm not amazed because I've done the very same. So the lesson is.... make a start to plan to leave him because he is absolutely not going to change and you have given him so many chances and opportunities to be a decent man to you. Once you make that first step - budget, solicitor, looking at a property to rent, whatever it is - you will feel empowered and the confidence will override any fears you have about your decision. We will all tell you that you should not take this 'abuse' from your husband but only you can actually act upon that and feel it for yourself. You are not imagining things he is even bluntly rude to you and very cruel - I think in reading your post it was the cruel side that I can identify most with because my husband is the same and it leaves you unable to respond rationally. Please make 2008 the year you get a life.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I remember your post of 18.12.07 very well. With the information you give here, I feel like the message you mentioned then is but the tip of the iceberg. Yes, poster, you're wasting your time. I don't think he loves you and certainly he doesn't respect you.
RCN gave you extremely good advice. I would follow it. Please, do note that, indeed, you're letting it happen. Don't take this sort of treatment anymore.
I believe you need to think very carefully what you will do next.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I think he really doesn't have much respect for the marriage you're in. When married, all though it's not OK to control someones behavior, it's also not OK to take part in activities that would have the possibility of breaching trust in the relationship.
On your end, I don't believe you're being as strong as you can be. I seems as if when he takes part in poor behavior you're allowing it to happen. Put your foot down and be blunt. Let him know you're an important person, if not to him, to yourself and you will not allow this poor treatment to take place. Remember, you have the right to choose how to be treated, stick to it and don't allow others to treat you wrong.
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