A
female
age
36-40,
*ylie2010
writes:I NEED HELP!!!! Seriously!! ok, im 21, and my bf is 23 Ok im gonna try n not make this too long.. But My situaton, me and my fiance are getting married next year, and we currently just got house together and its me, him and his 3 year old daughter.... i guess you can say before i feel in love with him i sure didnt have a problem like this .. i love his little girl.. Let me throw in there that he has her FULL TIME.. but she does go with her mother sometimes.. which i am friends with her also..but back to the subject.. sometime i feel alittle "Jealous" and omg this is the last thing i want...i dont ever wanna be that type of girl..is just a horrible feeling. but its truely how i feel and hope i can overcome it..He is my solemate and love him to death. i totally understand that i come 2nd and im okay wit that.. its just hes such a great guy, and trys his HARDEST to please both of us and make us both happy at the same time..and its just shes always STRIVING for his attention it seems like..or she will wanna watch Dora in the den, we will put it on for her, the me n him go upstairs to living room to watch a movie and she throws a fit, comes running in the living room , squeezes in between us and all the above. or he'll give me a lil kiss and and she will push me and say.. "No!!! MY DADDY.." and as much as i just smile and try walking away, i just wanna ball my eyes out..I dont want him to see me like that soo ill pretend im cleaning the house or something and just get away... Also, she has had a big problem w sleeping alone.. so she got her own room,and when nighttime comes around, she just cries and cries, and just tends to her every time she throws a fit i guess.then i just try to suck it in and deal w it.. i mean i just dont know what to do.. i try playing w her al the time n spend time w her, and it seems like some days she likes me somedays she dont..and i just feel my lack of communication skills is tearing mine and his relationship apart. im scared to talk to him, im afraid hes gonna take it the wrong way and call me a jealous selfish girl or someething n break up w me. or i was just thinkin bout not saying anything, and work harder at trying to win his daughters heart..idk help me please.. i dont like this jealous feeling i got
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female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 i think you are handling this really well and dont feel too bad about the jealousy because its natural you want to have him to yourself.Congrats on the engagement! Hope you have seriously thought it through because you still seem to have doubts. I have them too, every day. I wonder how much easier life would be with a man with no kids. I see my friends who have their bfs undivided attention and it almost breaks me down. My bfs daughter has recently started to disrespect me also and he tells me i have to be stern with her.. But it doesnt do any good because she wont listen!Anyway, i dont think having a child will help the jealousy factor, probably make it worse as u will want ur child to compete for attention.She wants to be close with u but it seems seperate to her dad?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Kylie, things are going much too fast.. slow down with the wedding and continue to use contraception. A baby at the moment is the worst thing you can do. If you think things are hard now, wait until you've got a crying baby and a angry, jealous 5year old on your hands.
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female
reader, Kylie2010 +, writes (8 April 2010):
Kylie2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Its me again.... Just an update also.... Things started to get alittle better, then just recently, going back down... The 3 year old is starting to disrespect me sometimes, call me names, and he leaves me to punish her : ( but besides that, we are getting married August 21st, 2010.. i cant wait. kinda happy bout being a stepmother, kinda not to happy..i hope there are girls out there that kinda understand where im coming from, ive dated guys in the past that have had kids, but not one that had them FULL TIME.. its very difficult.. Actually this is prob the most difficult thing i think i have ever done... I figure if i leave now, before we get married, maybe i might find someone that doesnt have a kid and life would be easier, if i choose to stay i have a bad feeling imma have to deal with this FOREVER..sometimes i feel like the 3rd wheel..its hard... and this is wierd but when me and her are alone and hes at work, shes a totally different girl,and calls me mommy, and tells me how much she loves me.. then it seems once he comes home from work, that i dont even exist from her or him..it hurts soo bad.. i still feel like this jealousy is never gonna go away, maybe im just not ready for this,, but ive already gotten soo far with this man, we got a house together, we are trying to concieve, cuz he wants a kid with me, we have a huge pool in our back yard, a puppy, and i have such a beautiful engagement ring that he spent alot of money on... oh oya bout the tryin to have a kid situation, do u think this will help with the whole jealousy thing?/ will things even out? i hope. other thann that, i obvously need help again cuz i dont know what to do, and all this fighting me and him do is tearing our relationship apart..
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female
reader, Kylie2010 +, writes (18 February 2010):
Kylie2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sooo much everyone!! Just an update today went really great w my fiances daughter, me n her had a blast today, then she told me she loved me... it felt so good that shes starting to finally warm up to me!! and his daughters mother even told me today that she even told her that she likes me alot and always askes bout me when shes over there at her moms!! things r sooo much better and i love my bf and his daughter!!!!! me n him had a talk and he sooo understands!! thanks again guys!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
Oh, when she jumps in between and spoils your kiss, the only response to "my daddy", is "yes your daddy, and the man I love", then give her a kiss, a hug or tickle her, and then kiss him again. Show her that there's space for her and you and daddy in this relationship.
Time spent with daddy alone, mum alone, you alone, and sometimes together as a family is a brilliant idea. :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
hahahahaa.. calm down, calm down.. take a deep breathe, your not doing anything wrong, and you have been brilliant with this little girl...
Ok, feeling a little better now.. :)
You are very young yourself and of course you want some loving time with your man. You are doing brilliantly with this 3 year old, she said she likes you sometimes, and she also plays with you. That means she dosen't hate you, and she is willing to be friends with you.
Now remember, she's little, she dosen't understand why she isn't the centre of the world like she was before. You wasn't there before, now you are there all the time, and she notices you get real close to daddy, and she's scared that you may take him away and get rid of her.
She's just jealous and nervous herself, just like you are. So one moment she want's to be friends, then she gets scared and wants you to go. Now you may not believe this, but children do this even with their biological mum and dad. They don't want to be left out, so sometimes will jump in the bed to keep parents apart, or sometimes they will stop their parents from kissing.
I did this myself as a kid, and when my mum started dating after her divorce, I felt left out and started pushing my mum away, and trying to be friends with her boyfriend... lol
Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance, from you and from him. That's what help me, and that's what will help this little girl, it will also take care of those nightmares. Tell her how special she is, how much you like her, praise her everytime she dose something good, tell her she's pretty and how happy you are to be able to live with her. If mum and dad can get on board and help as well by saying how precious she is to them, as well as saying how much they like you and how nice you are. With this type of love and support, she'll feel secure and will be able to accept you into her life and let her barriers down.
She likes you, she's just scared that you'll push her out. Make her feel loved and securee, and in a very short time, you and her will be the best of friends. I know it's a lot to ask, but yes, this is what you will have to do, put aside your jealousy, when she feels happy, then she'll leave and daddy alone, because you'll be borring kissing adults.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I can understand were your coming from, my boyfriend has a son but the ex has full time custody. You really need to talk to him about whats going. He also needs to put his foot down with her behaviours(the ones you described). Hopefully this will make it easier on you. When you talk to him try and make it it a discussion not a confrontation.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
The first thing you need to remember is that she is also feeling jealous of you. Remember that she has probably had him to herself, and is now worried that you are taking him away. When you look at it from her angle, you'll see that what you need to do is just be there for her, and accept that sometimes she will need her Dad to show he loves her because she's terrified he will suddenly won't. Also, it's worth just gently speaking to your husband and suggesting that you occasionally just do things as a couple. You don't need to be jealous, all you need to do is see it as she does. A woman who she doesn't really know is trying to steal her Dad. You and I know that's not true, but she's too young to understand that just because he's with you sometimes, he's not going to desert her. It might also be worth suggesting that he and her do things alone together while you go out shopping or something, so they have time to bond. That will also make her feel more secure about it all. Good luck.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (17 February 2010):
i really feel for you here, im in the same situation, although my boyfriend has part time custody. it is a hard situation, and i haven't found it easier the past 2 years, but the daughters mother is very hard to deal with also, and you are lucky you can be friendly with your boyfriends ex, because mine makes things VERY ugly and doesn't let my boyfriend see his little girl, which tears him apart.
you can't leave it in, you should find a way to address to situation with your bf, but make sure you don't sound like your attacking his little girl, because after all nothing is her fault, she is innocent in all this.
i feel jealousy towards my boyfriends little girl too, and it sounds about the same with the fits for attention, but i guess all you can do is hope they grow out of it.. kids always throw fits.
i try to play with her too, and it does seem like she doesnt like me some days, then others she will come up to play with me.. its a tough situation.
my only advice really is to talk to him about it.. he should be understanding, i mean its a big thing to do for someone you love and at least he can talk you through it
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reader, Tine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 its totally understandable but what you need to realise is that this we child is only 3years old, it sounds as though her mum has deserted her to be quite honest and the only parent she has in her life at the minute is her daddy. So she is going to cling to him for all she has in fear of losing him too. It must be very hard for a child that age to understand that her mother doesn't really want to bother therefore she strives attention from her father because he is all she has at the minute.
Maybe you are pushing yourself away from her also by thinking that she doesn't like you, truth is she is probably so busy thinking that maybe her daddy may leave her also that she is not seeing that you want to spend time with her too. How about taking her out for the day just you and her, taking her to the park, feeding the ducks or taking her to the zoo by doing some things that only she will like maybe she will realise that you are trying to work together as a family unit, not just her daddy and her and then you. Then gradually you may gain her trust and she may let you in a bit more.
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