A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are getting married. We are so excited!!! The problem is. This will be my 2nd marriage and his first. I don't know how to approach the planning process. My fiance and his family want to experience all the joys of a first time wedding. The traditional bridal shower, gifts, the dress, ceremony, attendants, reception, everything... There were things I was unsatisfied with when planning my first wedding so I am excited to be able to plan this wedding the "right" way, however, I feel like it is inappropriate on some level to plan a big, traditional wedding. I want to, and I want my fiance and his family to partake in all the wedding planning and festivities, but I also don't want to be judged or seem inappropriate. When I divorced, I left the marital home, leaving behind everything. So we would basically be starting from scratch as far as things for a registry. Is this inappropriate to make a registry,have the shower, get the big dress, have the ceremony with attendants, and the traditional reception? Garter and bouquet toss and all???? I fully expect that he will have a bachelor party, but I will not be having a bachelorette party this time around. I don't want one.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 It's not your job to plan a bridal shower. If someone wants to throw one for you, that's their prerogative, and there's no reason you shouldn't accept that.
Maybe the way to look at it is to ask yourself, if you were invited to your wedding, would you raise an eyebrow at some of the choices?
Another thought, it depends a bit on who's paying for it, too. Are you two paying for it, or is there funding from other sources? If it's all you, do what makes you happy. I think your side may look askance at being asked for gifts when you spend a ton of money on a second wedding, some people might think that you could be a bit more financially prudent. There's kind of a fine line of propriety which could be overstepped if you have a very flashy second wedding while still expecting a lot of gifts.
Wedding gifts traditionally are meant to help young couples without many resources set up housekeeping. If you are older, have been living together a while and have a lot of stuff already, asking for more gifts after receiving them already from part of your guest list may not make you look like you are fiscally prudent. And honestly, the gift part isn't really something his family gets to enjoy, is it? They are about the couple, not the extended family. So there's a fine balance there, easy to look like you don't know how to manage money if you blow a lot on a big party and yet are asking for expensive wedding gifts in a registry.
My theory on this is that sometimes people get so caught up in the wedding hype that they spend a lot of cash on things that won't matter in the long run. Remember the wedding is just one day in what we hope will be a long and happy marriage. You want to entertain and honor your guests, you want to mark your commitment to each other in a ceremony in front of your closest friends and family, what else matters?
The most memorable wedding for me as a guest was one which could have been a spectacular. No power in a huge thunderstorm. That one was fun, candles provided the light and we felt all cozy and bonded in a way. That was out of the bride and groom's control.
The last one I went to had something like 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen. They did it outside and we started taking bets on which bridesmaid would trip over her gown on the irregular paving stones. That one was a bit over the top, really. But they had a lot of friends and had a lot of fun and more power to them!
Now that I think about it, I haven't been to any weddings recently which were number two for the bride. I did, years ago, and as I recall, they did a more low-key thing and she wore a gorgeous silk suit. It clearly was a wedding and it was great fun and I don't think anyone felt robbed of the wedding 'experience.'
So, hope that helps you in the planning process! Good luck and congratulations!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
 I personally say GO FOR IT. I would make sure that folks who gave to the first wedding are aware that you don’t expect gifts from THEM again… it’s not right to ask for gifts from folks more than once for a bride. But the groom has all new folks so they will want to shower you guys with gifts..
You have to learn to live your life to please yourself not others.
FWIW I am in the process of planning my FOURTH wedding and HIS FIRST (yeah Yeah YEAH I KNOW how the heck can I give life advice when mine is so screwed up)… and it’s HIS first… We are dong the whole wedding thing in Vegas this year… no registry but we did invite friends and family to join us… we are making it quite fun… … bride proposed, groom is taking bride’s last name so bride will wear black and groom is being teased to wear white….
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Well, yes, if we have to go by etiquette only, second big do in full regalia is very very inappropriate, particularly the registry and bridal shower . In terms of etiquette what you want to do is maybe not a felony- but surely a big misdimeanour.
Then again, some times it's fun to thumb your nose at rules and regulations, and as long nobody is hurt, except tradition and your community sense of properness, no harm done. If you have the wish , the time and the money, sure, go all out and have the best second wedding ever - the stuff lifetime memories are made of. Only, don't tell Martha Stewart please.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 May 2012):
Well, yes, if we have to go by etiquette only, second big do in full regalia is very very inappropriate, particularly the registry and bridal shower . In terms of etiquette what you want to do is maybe not a felony- but surely a big misdimeanour.
Then again, some times it's fun to thumb your nose at rules and regulations, and as long nobody is hurt, except tradition and your community sense of properness, no harm done. If you have the wish , the time and the money, sure, go all out and have the best second wedding ever - the stuff lifetime memories are made of. Only, don't tell Martha Stewart please.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (9 May 2012):
Whatever you do, some people will like it, and some people will not. Some will approve, and some will not. So you can only please yourselves.
As you are starting afresh, why not have a grand wedding with all the trimmings, if that is what you want. This is your life, and hopefully the beginning of a new and brilliant chapter for you.
Go for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): "My fiance and his family want to experience all the joys of a first time wedding. The traditional bridal shower, gifts, the dress, ceremony, attendants, reception, everything... "
Unfortunately for them, traditional etiquette dictates a first-time wedding requires a first-time bride as well as a first-time groom. All or nothing, no halfsies allowed.
"Is this inappropriate to make a registry,have the shower, get the big dress, have the ceremony with attendants, and the traditional reception? Garter and bouquet toss and all????"
Quite inappropriate, very much so. See above. A second marriage should not be seen as an opportunity for a do-over to address residual disappointments relating to first ceremony, and a bridal shower seemingly for the sole purpose of replacing gifts negotiated away as part of your previous marriage's divorce agreement would appear to be especially gauche, grasping, tacky and unbecoming.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Hi
You love him, your both excited about the marriage, shout it from the rooftops, celebrate in style. Its a fresh partnership, it doesn't matter if its your 5th, do as you want.Let the world know how happy you are!
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