A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:well im currently dating 3 guys and have sex with all, im not proud of it , but i was the average good girl who loved a guy with my all, and in return he cheated and caused lots of heart aches,anyhow i started of as friends with all and well, i feel love for each of them, i tried break it off many times but it just dnt work, the all think the other guy is a friend if they happen to see me with him, i hate this but some how i cant stop? what should i do i really want to date one guy. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, HerBest1  +, writes (20 May 2012):
Well, I can say one thing....your hurt from your ex has thrown your view of relationships out of whack. I would imagine that each one would feel hurt if they knew the truth, correct? Because you say you tell them that they are 'just a friend' so they must be voicing some concern. Now, how do you think each one would feel when they (if they should)find out you weren't "just friends" but were having sex? Do you think any of them or all of them would be devastated? I know that I would....and I am gonna be honest with you and tell you that that is the BIGGEST fear in my relationship. If she was doing that and I found out......I don't know...man...that would be the worse thing to try to wrap my head around. Trust is shot. But now, if the 3 are just 'having sex' and really DO think the other guys ARE more than 'just a friend' then you can continue with the fun. IT sounds as if you are getting tired of it though. My advice would be to decide which 1 is the one you love and break it off with the other 2 but I think you have to be honest with them and yourself. Love yourself, you are NOT what your EX made you feel like or what he said. You are a person, and you are special and you deserve to be treated as such and loved and cherished. I hope this helps you be with just one , you can do it. We all make mistakes and sometimes we get very down and don't care and then do things we normally never have or would but because we are so low and feel alone we inflict self damage. I wish I could have dealt with my wife of 20 years leaving me better but I still cry everyday and its been over 3 years.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Most people tend to assume that a relationship is exclusive if it has evolved into sex over a period of time. If you've just had sex with someone you barely know, it's not reasonable to assume it's exclusive. From what little information you've provided, it sounds as if the guys might well think it is exclusive.It seems to me that by avoiding a committed relationship as a way to protect yourself from being hurt, you are preventing yourself from getting much beyond a relatively superficial relationship. By way of analogy, I used to drink like a fish to avoid having to deal with various problems in my life. I just didn't want to think about it. But, I stunted my own emotional growth in a sense because I did not learn how to deal with life's problems and the attending emotions. If you want to play in the big game, you have to get some experience outside of the sandbox.Another thing to keep in mind is that the guys you are with now are completely different people than your ex, and they had absolutely nothing to do with your being hurt before. I used to feel terribly hurt by women, and I tended to have a negative attitude towards women in general. It took me quite a while to really understand that each and every person is different, and the new women I was meeting played absolutely no role whatsoever in my prior bad situations. Personally, I found this to be a tricky issue to deal with because it felt so "right" to be mad at women generally. Logically, I knew other women had nothing to do with my prior pain, but emotionally it was very seductive; an easy way to avoid examining my actions in a relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankS you for the advice. hugs
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are afraid of one of them hurting you, so to insure yourself, you have a couple of back ups.
In relationships you do need to risk yourself and there is always the possibility that things won't work out. That is the chance you have to take.
You are not being fair to any of them, so break it off with two and keep your favourite. Do it now before you get any kind of reputation which will stick with you.
You are absoloutely right, its so true, and i have taken your advice.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I believe if you are going to do that, they all need to know you arent exclusive. You dont need to declare that you have multiple partners but they have a kind of principled right to a degree of honesty.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (10 May 2012):
I can't believe that even one of these guys want to be exclusive with you or he would have realised something about what you were doing with the other two. If you are happy with yourself then carry on having fun, but if the reality is that you are cleansing yourself of your cheating ex then now is probably a good time to get a grip of your situation. Probably drop all 3 guys and work on making yourself feel good and be proud of yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Whatowhat +, writes (9 May 2012):
Bah, if you like it, you are more than welcome to have sex with more than one guy at once. I hate that society tells women that they have to be "good girls" to have value in society. Nuts to that, break up with your boyfriend and date as many guys as you want. Women should not be constrained with these oudated social stigmas.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
 if you are dating three i hope you are honest with all three.
if none of them stick out enough to be THE ONE for right now... then keep looking for someone.
the right one will come along
but the key is you must NOT lie to anyone about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, coders877 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 It certainly is ok to date as many guys you want you are single however I feel once you decide to have sex then it should be with only one exclusive guy. He should also feel the same way. Sounds like obviously you may have caring feelings for all three but its not fair to any of the guys that you have sex with all three guys not to mention fair to you
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): There is nothing wrong with dating three guys at the same time, but having sex with all of them is another thing...not such a good plan...it will come back and bite you in the ass eventually.
None of these guys are for you, if you are looking for a long term relationship down the road...I suppose, have your fun for now and get it out of your system, but you have to understand when this does all fall apart (and it will), or you grow physically tired of trying to keep up with all of them and the emotional parts of each relationship grow, it will only become more difficult.
Also please give these guys a little bit more credit...they may very well know "these other guys" are NOT just friends, will continue having fun having a sexual relationship with you but may very well be doing the same thing with other women. Since nobody is exclusive they have every right to do the same thing.
I am a true believer in everything happening for a reason...we fall in love, we get our hearts broken/break up...it's all a learning process to lead us to something bigger and better as we grow and mature.
You are "feeling" empowered and in control of your relationships right now to compensate for a past hurt, but you will truly have that empowerment when you can let the past go, be honest with these guys and tell them the truth ...at this time in your life, you are not looking to settle down with anyone.
When you are ready to settle down and form a solid relationship with one man again, you will know...you will just know and it will be right ... all the other men just fade out into the background....
...............................
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (9 May 2012):
I think you are afraid of one of them hurting you, so to insure yourself, you have a couple of back ups.
In relationships you do need to risk yourself and there is always the possibility that things won't work out. That is the chance you have to take.
You are not being fair to any of them, so break it off with two and keep your favourite. Do it now before you get any kind of reputation which will stick with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Hi
Pick one and stick to your guns. Just hope he never finds out you were seeing the other 2. OR end it with all and be single for a while,get your self esteem back. It always gives a huge knock when somebody we love,cheats. That was his choice, not your fault.So stop trying to build it up with multiple partners you will only end up being hurt in some way all over again.
...............................
|
