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male
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anonymous
writes:I've read a number of posts on here about loving devoted men who are struggling with sexual frustration stemming from their loving partner's lack of interest in sex.So many people say do this, do that and be patient yet most of the questions seem to come from guys who have already tried all those things and have been "patient" for a few years. Furthermore many people say don't make it an issue.I am totally bewildered. I am in a similar situation and seriously am lost as to what to do. I have been the best partner I possibly can. I've backed off sexually, I've given space, I've been romantic, do my share of chores, make nice gestures, express my love and so on. It is all appreciated but it makes nil difference. I have been "patient" for three years.Half the advice on here about go out to dinner and blah blah blah I suspect is coming from people who have never been in this situation. The PROBLEM is that all of those things are being done or have always been done and still the issue remains. Then others say it will be stress, tiredness, overworking, past abuse... nope none of those things either. Some will say spice it up... yet most have tried that too or their partner isn't willing to try.Some poor guys have even been attacked on here as being almost sex crazed bastards. It would seem it is now a crime to be a healthy man with a healthy libido. Perhaps the solution is for us to lead more unhealthy lifestyles to try and kill off our sex drives. For some of us sexually desiring your partner who you love has become a big no no.I don't want to break up as we truly love each other, but living in love like this isn't easy. I read one post on here in which a guy asked about telling his partner he needed more sex or they'd have to break up and he got torn to shreds by those who responded. I've never done anything remotely like that but can understand where he was coming from.I tell you now it hurts. Emotionally my heart has taken a beating. Physically my balls often ache. I know my partner loves me but seriously that makes this harder to deal with. All that love yet here I am wanting and hurting. I never could have imagined that it would be so hard.This has been more of a vent than anything but if anyone has any non-stereotypical advice I would be so very thankful.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Period. If the relationship is "unhealthy", and the other party has no interest in curing it -- terminate it. Simple as that. Much as you may love her, this person is not suitable for you. Find another person to love. The pain of breaking up now is nothing compared to the pain of a lifelong dysfunctional relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Look, it sounds like you don't want to leave your wife. And I can't blame you, I'm sure she's a fine person. I can understand how everything would be perfect in your marriage, except for the sex. And I can understand how that lack of sex would in turn cause other problems to arise.But really, you only have 2 choices. Either stop complaining about it, because it hasn't gotten you (and will continue not to get you) anywhere, or go find a prostitute.Yes, I'm condoning adultery, so what? It's not an affair, and it's not like you're saving your love and affection for someone else and denying your wife of anything. It's just finding someone to fulfil a need that you have. Sure, you may feel cheap and dirty and you may even wind up with a VD. BUT, other than that, what options do you have?Think about it...and (possibly) give it a shot, you'll probably feel less anger and frustration towards your wife. And you not complaining to her may get her to wonder why...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Believe me No Indian male tells a married woman I wish I could have spent a few hours with you explaining things.He wouldn't even have written the sentence.Our culture is that strict.I am here as an agony aunt.I love helping people.But if I find something amiss I would definitely tell it.
If he has taken the decision already there was no need for him to justify himself to anyone.Part of him is still feeling guilty.An Indian female is brought up in such a way that her sexuality is suppressed.It takes a kind,loving,very patient man to get her out of that shell.
It might be tough for you to believe it but if an Indian female has a healthy libido most of the husbands feel that her character is not good.Unbelievable but true.I have heard heart wrenching divorce stories based on this.
Marriages differ from culture to culture.You don't have to compare your posts to other posts.
I am not going to comment on your situation as in your heart you already know that you have reached a dead end.No one can tell anyone to stay in a relationship that's making them unhappy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Bugs
Obviously that guy could have done things better but we all make mistakes. He came here for help and got torn to shreds. It is evident he may have made sex out to be a bit too much of an issue which is something I have always done my utmost not to do.
I do agree that his parallel of his wife having sex before marriage compared to his affair is very warped. I think you are missing a big part of his post though. Just because they had some sex and a child doesn't mean things were good. It sounds like he hasn't been able to even touch his wife. Can you imagine what that would be like? Think of times when your hormones were raging and you went to your husband but he would pull away if you so much as touched him, and he would pull away just about all the time. How would you feel? Would you feel loved and happy? Okay this guy made a few mistakes but what if you were the perfect wife and still he pulled away? It is like a knife in the heart.
Your view is that you should try try try and that it will pay off but what about when you try try try and it makes no difference, when it is like banging your head upon a wall? I feel as though if I continue I'll end up having a breakdown.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I am curious.We don't pounce on everyone here.
Read this post and let me know of your views
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-been-married-20-years-but-it.html
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I have some tough love advice for u - try try again BUT set yourself a deadline when if nothing happen for u to leave her. of course signal warnings & steps but do stand up for yourself & walk away without regrets.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer to your question - YES. From past discussions I think my partner would break up before really addressing this issue as when it has really come to a head in the past I've copped things like I'm not happy (as in me), how bad that is, maybe we shouldn't stay together etc.
Initially the doctor was out of the question almost just on the grounds of embarassement. You could be right in that perhaps the fear of going to the doctor is finding out there is a real problem. Seriously though most problems have solutions.
This man's patience has just about run out.
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male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (31 October 2008):
Do you feel that she is more likely to leave the relationship than you are?
I ask because you seem to be under the impression that she'd rather walk away than address the issue.
Could you maybe persuade her to go to the doctor on the premise that if the problem is medical it can be sorted out, but if it isn't you'd be prepared to live with it, ie make it appear that you are more interested in finding out the reason rather than making her have sex with you?
I dunno, I have to say I admire your tenacity. It takes a big man to be this patient, I think I would have given in to temptation and cheated by now.
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female
reader, fluffyshoes +, writes (31 October 2008):
I agree with Cowboy about being honest about how it is making you feel, bad enough the physical problems of a lack of intimacy for a man but the emotional problems are of note too. If you do not tell her how you feel then things will continue as they are as she seems to want to carry on as if this situation is fine for you both.
I had this talk with my partner and he understands how I feel, it does make him feel guilty and aware that our relationship is not all that it could be and leaves the ball in his court as to what he can do about it.
I know what I can do to make him feel more comfortable and for him to find me approachable to talk to and be physically close with but it does mean I have to manage a lot of frustration within myself. But it sounds as if you, as much as I are used to doing this already.
"there is no bigger hell than to be in a forced celibacy and within arms reach of the person you love and desire"
-never a truer word said.
I hope she comes to understand what you are going through. It may be difficult bringing the situation up again but ultimately things cannot stay as they are and although she may find it difficult it is the only way you will both be happy in this relationship if this problem is solved.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter me being very blunt and then us being apart for two days I was told yes to the doctor but then it never happened. When I questioned this it was just a flat no to going to the doctor as it wasn't necessary. I think half the avoidance is embarassment of talking about it with a doctor as that was the issue when I first asked. I did ask again but it almost got to the point that I had to accept things as they were or it was all over (that wasn't said but that was what it felt like) so in fear I compromised myself and then I was apologising which was ridiculous. Typically if I raise the issue I am making it a problem by talking about it. It is probably all a lost cause.
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male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (31 October 2008):
Yes it sounds like she has decided for both of you that the situation is ok.
You say you managed to at least get her to agree to the idea of going to the doctor about it, would it be possible to have the 'talk' again, tell her that things are not in fact ok, and suggest that she actually goes this time?
This may sound a little harsh, but I think you need to tell her exactly how miserable this is making you. It will probably make her feel bad, but maybe that will give her the motivation she needs to take action.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the responses. I am in a similar situation to the first response. It was like a perfect match to start with but then disinterest set in for my partner while my desire has remained. We are intimate and have sex but just not very often. After one talk a trip to the doctor was agreed to but 12 months later when I asked it hadn't happened as apparently there isn't a problem so there is no need to go to the doctor. I can only guess at the cause but all my guesses are things out of my control. I think worse than anything is that my partner doesn't even understand the situation or the pain I experience, and worse still now thinks there isn't even a problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): I feel for you, I am female and in the exact same position. I think there are many females who enjoy sex very much, as I do. I can say this, there is no bigger hell than to be in a forced celibacy and within arms reach of the person you love and desire.
I do know one thing, there is a cause for it...i.e. physical or mental or attraction.....whatever it is, if you cannot get to the root of the problem, you cannot solve it. Your partner should be willing to explore and determine what the cause is and be willing to try their damnedest to fix it!
In my case, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, he is a sex addict,(the irony that I'm not getting any pisses me off). He has done baby steps towards fixing it but only the bare minimal to keep me hanging onto hope.
It sounds like you don't have a clue what's causing this, I would start by insisting on couseling and a physical exam. If there is something medically wrong, perhaps it can be fixed with medication. If its mental, you are facing a long road ahead...I doubt it is attraction since she did marry you. I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you luck.
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male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
Sorry fluffyshoes, I made some very sweeping generalisations in my previous post.
I understand that women also have this problem, but I was expecting this guy to be told to put up with the situation and that he was wrong for making 'unreasonable' demands.
Remember that men prioritise sex even higher than women do, so this guy is suffering a great deal.
Male or female, the situation is upsetting and unsustainable.
I can't really offer either of you any useful strategy to change your situations, but I do genuinely hope you find a way out.
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male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
I don't think you're being unfair at all, but then again I'm male!
Men and women have different priorities, and I think women often have a hard time understanding that men need sex.
Women have needs too, and if you weren't fulfilling one of these, for instance if you stopped making romantic gestures or telling her that you love her, you'd also be torn to shreds. You can't win.
it's not fair that you should be emasculated in this way.
Seems to me that you have posted here because you realise that the situation has to change or you will never have sex again.
Women seem to accept the prospect of never having sex ever again quite readily, but as a man I know that this would be as devastating for you as being diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, a whole industry has evolved around this. My friend runs an 'escort agency'. It's very expensive, and she's very wealthy because she has exploited this phenomenon.
The overwhelming majority of her clients are men in unhappy marriages. The reason is either that the man wants to get divorced but simply can't afford to, or that he loves his wife but she has stopped having sex with him.
A man can love his wife very deeply, but if he's not getting sex, that can make him leave the woman or cheat on her.
Sometimes a man will cheat on his wife BECAUSE he loves her, because the only alternative is to leave her.
I think this is the problem that women have difficulty understanding, and why the other posts you read were answered with such derision and contempt.
This is not a situation which you should be expected to tolerate.
I think that you already know the answer, but you are a good man and so you have been holding off as long as possible before the inevitable happens.
I hope it all works out for you.
Ladies, before you tear this guy (and me) to shreds over this, pretend for a moment that the poster is a female, with a female set of needs.
The female equivalent might go along the lines of:
'I love my partner very much, and the sex is great, but he never tells me he loves me or shows me any affection. It seems that all he's interested in is sex. I've waited three years for things to improve, and I've tried everything but he still won't give me a cuddle or tell me that he loves me.'
What advice would you give to this woman?
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female
reader, fluffyshoes +, writes (30 October 2008):
I am in the same situation and I am a woman. When my partner and I met we both had high sex drives so it seemed a match made in heaven. His waned due to his deprssion, body image problems, possibly age (he is 9 years older than me, and other factors. Whereas mine is as active as ever.
I love him dearly and have done everything i can to support him but I feel like I am living in half a relationship not a whole one. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and that the problem is his, but this does not help the fact that the guy I adore does not want to be physically close to me inimately in any way.
It is a very difficult situation to be in everything you try seems to get the same response as it is a problem within the other person that needs solving. Some peope have low sex drives that is true but a total abscence of sex with someone you adore is a very painful existance indeed for the heart. My balls don't ache but I really should be buying shares in battery companies.
I would never cheat on him or even look at another person in the way I do him, and he knows this and understands how frustrated I get but the situation never changes. Plus recently he has been looking at pornography to stimulate his sex drive but he seems opnly to be able to get in that mind set with other people and not me, which makes our situation different from your own.
All I can say is that i totally understand the emotions you are going through and how hard it is when all the advice people offer results in nothing changing.
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