A
female
age
36-40,
*oveLace
writes:So, I told him I was seeing someone else because 1. I wanted to let him know that while he was gone, I wasn't stuck on him and 2. that I am worthy of meeting someone who wants to be consistent with me. Thing is, that statement is only half-true. Though I implied I had a boyfriend, I've only been dating around, with no serious attachments. I guess I wanted to push him away by putting up that wall but now, a week later without hearing from the guy in question, I'm wondering if I did the right thing...Help.We met about five months ago. We had an immediate connection. We'd talked every night for hours, spent our weekends together at his or my place hanging out, going to shows. Basically, we enjoyed each others company and conversation in a way neither of us had experience in a long time. See, he and I had both recently (well, not too recent. It was about a year since...) ended long term relationships (3 years for me and 5 years for him). We weren't looking to fall into anything too quickly...I guess we were both reluctant to experience the uncertainty that comes along with relationships again. But it happened. By two or so months into it, I was beside myself with the happiness and joy I felt with him. I'm not sure I would've called it love, but everything about him and how perfectly he fit into my life was cue enough for me to take things further.I took a chance and asked him to be my boyfriend(and, mind you, I'm NEVER the asker. Not to be cocky but that's not the role I usually take). He responded that he wasn't ready for a relationship but that didn't mean he wanted to end things with me. I appreciated his honesty but it didn't take long for things to go downhill. According to this guy who still wanted to see me, his actions said otherwise. His calls became infrequent and so did our weekend rendevous...Not one to play the fool, I shut down my heart in anticipation that his calls would stop. They did by the end of the fourth month.Hurt, I tried to brush him off as just another fling but my heart had other ideas. I still thought of him constantly and even came to a bigger revelation about my feelings. I did love him but I figured he had moved on to simpler things and he was gone forever. I found comfort by reminding myself I deserved better...Well, the last thing I expected happened last week. He calls me and explains that he left because of the pressure but that, even though he tried to see other people, he couldn't stop thinking about what we shared. He then asks if I could make time for him this weekend...I told him that wasn't a good idea because I was seeing someone else; his heart plunged...What else was I supposed to do? Sign up for another heartache? He called me three thimes after that conversation about how he still misses me. I was busy (no, genuinely busy) all three times but promised to return his calls. I have done that but he hasn't answered. That was six days ago....Today will make it a week.What do you all make of this situation? What's a girl to do?
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female
reader, LoveLace +, writes (28 January 2009):
LoveLace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNearly four months later and he's still hot and cold. I do love him and he's said over and over again that I mean alot to him, but I can no longer stomach the inconsistency...Just this weekend, I had hoped to see him but, like typical him, he decided that NYC was more of a priority than spending time with me. I called him twice Saturday just to have him call a day later with a half-hearted apology...I've come to realize that he uses our lack of definition in this relationship in order to avoid accountability for his actions. As much as I care about him, I need someone that wants to be responsible for my feelings and considerate of my emotions...That doesn't appear to be him. :(I texted him this conclusion. I thought it was over, but he called the next day to tell me that he can't lose me over this. I waited for him to tell me more, that'd maybe he'd change or do better, but that never happened. I told him he's not living up to his words and that his selfish actions are pushing me away...He responded with confusion and that's te saddest part of this all: he firmly believes that he is doing his best...For the love of my sanity, I've decided to let him go for now and just chill on this whole situation (no pun intended). Maybe in the future he'll wise up and recognize where he fell short and we can be together. In the meanwhile, I'm over missing someone that's lying right next to me...Thanks again for the advice.
A
female
reader, LoveLace +, writes (3 November 2008):
LoveLace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I may have aggravated the situation....I wrote a message to a girl who I suspected he had been seeing. She confirmed my suspicions but said they were nothing more than friends at the moment and that, if I really wanted answers, I should be writing him...True enough. I told her thank you and came to the conclusion that I should cut my losses and let go of the situation...I mean, he hadn't called me in a week, right?? Now I knew why...Foolishly, I called him last Saturday. He asked how my "boyfriend" was doing. I finally decided to come clean and tell him that there was no one that significant in my life and confided in him that it's difficult to find someone that really fits me (like him...). He concured and told that he had a fallout with a girl just a few days ago b/c she had been tossing about and putting it in his face news that someone had contacted her on his behalf. He didn't appreciate the games...I told him that wasn't my intention. I did make it clear that I was the past, I was no threat to her current situation, and that it would be best for her to keep this between us(I swear to you guys. I'm not the one to go around stroking flames). I even offered to let him read what I had written (all 40 or so words)...Still, the world just about BLEW over! He got so angry...I swore to him that my intentions were BEYOND lucid (she even had the upperhand! I told her thank you and I was done...) and that it would have been impossible for me foresee her childish antics. By the end of the conversation, he had calmed down enough to speak coherently...He said he was off to work and, when he saw me, we'd take it from there...The battery on my phone died before I could reply. It's not like I trusted the last part of the statement, anyways....It's now Monday, 11.3.08. Two days since that conversation...No contact since...At this point, there's no winning for me. Even when I try to get closure, I end up being scorned for caring...
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