A
male
age
36-40,
*confusedguy
writes:I feel very disappointed in my girlfriend of almost 4 years yesterday, but I don't think she understands the core issue (or maybe it's not an issue). We are 29 and 28.We were in a car driving to a birthday event about an hour away with my girlfriend and my gf's sister. I was the driver. We had just stopped at a convenient store to buy about $6 worth of snack just for my gf. I wasn't hungry since it was only 10 am. We were on our way and got stopped at a traffic light. I notice a homeless man on the corner, all ragged, dirty, unkempt, skinny, probably in his mid 50s. He approached our car from the outside lane (two lanes road) likely because he saw that my gf was eating food.He gestured to my gf if she could donate the food, but my gf essentially ignored his gesture. Her sister and I both insisted that she should give the man whatever that was remaining in the bag. The man seemed hungry and skinny, and besides, we were just an hour away from more birthday food. She refused our insistence saying that she's hungry. I told my gf that she can wait another hour while the man is probably hungry for several days. She refused saying again that she is hungry. The light turn green, and we had to move.I felt very disappointed and upset on her lack of kindness and compassion. I straight-up told her it was selfish of her, and even her sister agrees. She didn't say much, but I don't think she understands it at all. I feel her behavior contradicts my core belief. She feels that it's her food so that her needs are more important. We explained the man probably hasn't eaten well for awhile and that she can be hungry for another hour or so, but it felt on deaf ears. We weren't giving money; just basic $6 worth of food for a man in much greater needs.I really didn't talk to her much afterward except this morning she texted me the usual as if nothing happened. And then she texted me "I'm hungry," and that totally made me even more upset. Is this the core values I want to teach our children later? Something so basic as kindness and compassion? All I see now from her is a distinct coldness that I am not sure if I can accept. It's rather strange that her friends consider her to be nice and kind, but this event here changes of how I perceive her.What do I do now? What should I say to her?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 This might be slightly off topic, since after all it is quite possible that the OP's hungry man was actually what he seemed, a poor,destitute , helpless authentically hungry homeless man. ( Although, I doubt it: accosting motorists is a professional beggar 's move. They signal they are hungry, and when you roll down your window, they ask for money , not food ).
But since we are at it , that may be somewhat interesting :
talking about " stereotypes ", even seeing a panhandler as destitute is, more often than not, a stereotype. Some posters seems to not realize that panhandling is,more often than not, a RACKET.
Some big daily newspapers here have sent their journalists undercover as beggar- for- a -week to find out how much a beggar actually makes.
It seems that's like in real estate : it's about location location location.
A random free lancer who just roams the streets of some provincial town, won't make more than 30 euros a day , 50 on weekends. Which, still, makes around 1100 a month, just marginally less than your average factory worker, who though , on that amount, manages to get himself a spare, austere, and yet decorous living .
But if you are a beggar in a big city or in a touristic place... if you have your " spot " by a monument, or a cathedral ... in front of a big mall .... eh then. ( Btw, I live in such a place, with tons of visitors from everywhere,, and I can SEE how it works, don't need to go undercover ). Those make around 200 a day, and about double on weekends- which makes several thousands a month. Of course, they'll have to give a big cut of their profits to the racketeer or ringleader who sends them out, and yet... it's a nice living, what's left is still more than a young doctor or lawyer would make . And all tax free.
That's ONE of the reason why many sensible , caring people
prefer to fight hunger by donating money, time and work to accredited non profit organizations, or taking political action, or by other means ,than just handing out small change- or some half munched leftovers. If you want to eradicate hunger and social neglect, you have to chose carefully what can actually help , and what could very possibly only help organized crime.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): I'm in NYC and see homeless people begging on the corner, in the roadway, and in your face in the train everyday. They look pitiful and lament how hungry they are but it's all a ruse. There are tremendous resources for anyone that needs a meal and they know and utilize those places. Anyone who gives them money contributes directly to their substance abuse. If you want to help, give money, time, or supplies to a non profit group that helps the down trodden.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 One could argue that you could have done something for the hungry man yourself. This is not an idle point: if your values are about feeding the hungry, then you could have done that yourself.
But your question is about whether your girlfriend's values are similar to yours. Maybe they aren't, but I agree with the first person who replied to your post: maybe you have noticed things before, but have avoided thinking about them.
The Devil is in the Details. I don't think we can't reach a conclusion solely on the basis of her refusing to give snacks to a man, but you can look at her behavior these four years and decide.
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male
reader, EyesofJag +, writes (9 April 2014):
To Intrigued3000: It does sound generous to have given the man the food of OP's girlfriend, but when you really think about it, it's not decent, sanitary, nor humane. She was already eating her food. He is starving. Would you have wanted that man to be eating food that is already being eaten? What if I made a sandwich and you said your hungry and I gave you my already bitten sandwich...what would your response be? It's far more humane to go buy, or make, food instead of giving food already being eaten.
Being generous can backfire if you don't become generous in a responsible way. That's what I learned when I did my research about homelessness. Another example is that there was once some people who collected their clothes and decided to give to the homeless. They went to skid row of Los Angeles and left the big bag of clothes at the corner of one of the streets. The homeless of skid row flocked to the bag and were almost fighting for some of the clothes. Donating might have sounded generous, but all that did was help dehumanize them a lot more because it incited some tension and made them appear more desperate than how they are.
Instead of criticizing, do something about it yourself. You don't know other people's lives to pass judgement saying they are now cold hearted.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I'm going to disagree with most everyone here. I think you are right to feel ashamed of how your gf reacted in this situation. Homeless means destitute, not knowing where your next meal is coming from. We may all have our stereotypes of homeless people as being drug users, etc., etc. However, the core issue here is helping another human being who is less fortunate than you, when the opportunity arises, without judgement about who you think deserves your charity. Charity is all about giving without expecting anything in return. It is a "selfless" act. Charity should not be an act for profit, recognition or boastfulness. Charity is about looking at the person in need and seeing yourself, because you know it was just a matter of luck and chance that you are not living that kind of life, and if you did, you would be thankful that someone gave you their food without second thoughts. When you are kind to other beings, you are kind to yourself.
Your gf saw a starving man looking hungrily at her food, and did not feel the compassion to give him her food. That is cold-hearted...and really it's a symptom of how selfish our society is becoming. There are very few, good souls who give freely without expectation or judgement. Your gf is not one of them.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I was once in the car and having an ice-cream and a homeless person asked me for it when the car stopped at a traffic light. I had no option but to give it to him because I just couldn't continue eating it when there was a person staring at my face but I didnt like it.
Now I like to think that I'm a kind person, I love animals, etc., etc., but I don't want to give the food that I'm already eating to someone who comes up to me and asks for it! For one thing, its annoying and its like I'm being made to feel guilty for having food worth "x" amount of dollars when someone out there is hungry. Really, I empathize with them but that doesn't mean I cant be allowed to enjoy something I want to. That's not fair.
SHE was the one who was already eating, YOU could have just pulled out some money from your wallet and given the man instead of asking your girlfriend to give him her food. He could have just bought himself something fresh instead of eating her leftovers.
Also, I dont encourage begging and never have and unless a person is disabled and / or really unable to work for a living, there is no reason why he/she should beg.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I am kind. I am compassionate. I help others in need. I DO NOT EVER give to beggars on the street and certainly not those that come up to my car and ask. NEVER. I donate to Combined Federal Campaign
I won't give money either.
are there other ways you notice she's selfish and self absorbed and inconsiderate?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): I live in a city, Homeless people beg on a rota, you pass by the same spot several times in a day and you'll see several different people,If you're in early enough you sometimes see women being dropped off in a van to beg. It's know that giving money to homeless charities rather than to the individual has a grater result. I too give what extra food I have on me to some who look in need, and seem less likely to have been trafficked in. But I think it's highly improper to shame your girlfriend and to gang up on her. Perhaps she does give money, food or her time when she isn't approached as in this situation and guilted,I don't give to people who approach me like that, nor to those who beg beside an ATM. I would say to discuss it rationally with her but you seem to have already decided what you think of her.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Like the others have pointed out, you gave nothing of yourself, nor did your girlfriend's sister. Your 'generosity' was limited to directing someone else to give and judging them when they didn't.
And automatically handing out food and/or money to everyone who seems unkempt and homeless does not show kindness and compassion. It just shows that you are easily taken in by what's on the surface.
You don't know this man or his history. You haven't seen the countless bad choices that have landed him where he is or the opportunities he's passed up.
A few years ago we knew the owner of a landscape supply shop. He told us one day about how he'd gone to the local shelter and offered to pay anyone who wanted temporary work cash under the table . Because it was under the table it would not have affected their welfare benefits and he would have paid them $2.00/hour more than the minimum wage. Not one showed up.
Another family friend worked in another shelter for the downtrodden. In order to reduce operating costs and still provide people with a much needed roof over their heads, they implemented a policy where the inhabitants would contribute some of their time to the upkeep of the facilities (cleaning, minor repairs etc). Amazingly, many of them suddenly had long lost relatives who were willing to take them in.
When it came time to give anything back, these poor, downtrodden, homeless, starving, desperate people all had better things to do.
These are but two examples out of many I can come up with.
There are many charities and public services devoted to helping such people and you can bet your right eye that this homeless man knows all about them. Instead of, or most likely in addition to, approaching these organizations, he chose to accost passing motorists.
Which brings me to another point. I'm assuming your girlfriend is employed. She has to get up and face each day, regardless of the weather, regardless of her mood, regardless of whether she likes her job or her boss or her colleagues. What she has she earned. This homeless man didn't have to lift a finger. We reap what we sow, but this man, and others like him use guilt to reap what others sow.
Compassion and generosity are noble traits to instill in our children, but so is hard work, sacrifice, an open mind and a discerning eye.
Don't be so quick to judge by what you see on the surface.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Were you completely out of money after that an unable to help him? If so, just keep that in mind later when she wants food. You can say something like, "I know, we'll be home/near food in an hour, you can get food then" I agree with the person who said that if she were diabetic or something, it's HER responsibility as a grown adult to have insulin/food handy in case of emergencies. I also feel that it's very rude to eat in front of someone if you don't have enough to share. While there are genuine exceptions, those are VERY VERY rare. I'm not saying you should hand over your lunch or wallet to every homeless person on the street, but you can at least invest in bus tokens and point them in the direction of the nearest shelter/food pantry/soup kitchen. If you are regularly donating money or time to a cause, you ARE being generous. I do agree that if a person has money to spend on "extras", then they have money for donations. It IS just selfish and greedy. You made a (correct or incorrect) judgment call that this guy genuinely wanted food and that was what you planned to give him. While it's a LITTLE rude to expect your girlfriend to hand it over, I don't understand why you gave her food in the first place if she was going to get some. I wouldn't buy her anything anymore either.
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male
reader, aconfusedguy +, writes (8 April 2014):
aconfusedguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will respond in more detail later as I have to get to work. Thank you all for the different perspectives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): And what did you and the sister give him, OP? If it was nothing then you're worse than your girlfriend because you claim to believe one thing but didn't actually act on it.
At least she follows through with her beliefs, she was hungry, so she kept her food. What did you do? Nothing, you demanded she give him something, but didn't think to give anything to him yourself.
OP it's not charity if you're trying to force someone else to give, if you're that way you do it yourself. Frankly you sound like the more selfish one. I had a homeless dude live near my apartment before, I always bought an extra sandwich and gave it to him weekdays on my way to work it doesn't make me a good person or better than someone else because most homeless people I walk past without a second glance. Do you give every homeless person you come across something? Do you give noticeably high or drunk homeless people money? No? Then you too are selective about your charity, OP. Just like she was that day.
I learned a lot from the guy who stayed near me, he'd still be there with his dog when I was on my way home from a night out so we had many drunken chats. You know most people I've met who think like you, are very selective and don't give anything to a homeless person if they think they'll use it on booze or drugs. My guy made a very good point about how anyone can expect people to sleep on a freezing cold street, with the chance being beaten, robbed, killed without something to knock them out cold.
My point is, OP, you can't judge her for what she did when you too did nothing. Between you and the sister you could have given $6 each and let him go buy his own food. You're being hypocritical. A charitable person doesn't expect reward or for others to give, they just give themselves and it's not an issue.
If you can honestly say you've given homeless people something every time you come across them, without judgement or conditions, then maybe you have a right to think you don't share the same values, but the honest truth we all know is that you haven't. So you have no moral high ground to judge her for refusing this time either.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Both Auntie Cindy and Tisha said what I was thinking.
WHY did you just SET an example and pull out $5 for the guy?
Not everyone is willing to give their shirt of their back (or their snacks) to whomever seems needy. That doesn't make her a bad person. I think she was a little freaked out with the episode. My guess is she isn't around homeless people a lot or at all.
I would however bring it up and talk about it, not JUST ASSUME that she is a cold-hearted uncaring person.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I think it is often - almost ALWAYS - unnecessary, unfair, and controvertial to project our (own) standards on to someone else. That's really what you did to your G/F.
AND, to hold on to that projection.... and question if it's grounds to break up.... "tells" me that "yes, you and she should go your separate ways."
After all... following this incident, when will be the next incident when you will get frustrated/upset because you and she don't quite match in come category (charity, in this case)???
Good luck....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Is this the very first time you have come to question your core values?
I'm disappointed in you that you didn't reach into your wallet and pull out a $5 or $10 or $20 bill to hand to this man, this way he could choose his own food. Your stated core value doesn't match your own actions, there.
Your core value in this instance seems to be trying to shame your girlfriend, while you stand by and act superiorly charitable, when in fact, all you did was ignore the man and expect your girlfriend to hand over the food she was in the process of eating.
She may have refused to hand over her food because she thought you were being rude and bossy.
I'll tell you what, there have been times when I am so hungry and can feel my blood sugar level to be so low that I can only focus on getting some nutrition into me. That usually happens in the car when I've been in a big rush to get ready and forget to eat breakfast. I also often visit a large city with a large number of homeless people. If I have food I can give, I do, but there are so many that I would be carrying bags of groceries in order to feed them all. Instead, I choose to give to charities that offer services to the homeless and provide food and shelter for them.
I have no idea what is going on with your girlfriend and her blood sugar or health issues but this feels like you are making this into a mountain.
What do you say to her? Maybe find out if she's feeling well and what is going on with her health, before being so quick to judge.
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male
reader, EyesofJag +, writes (8 April 2014):
Here is a different perspective on the whole homeless issue that can make you look at things differently, and then I'll get to how you feel about what your gf did.I worked on a documentary about homelessness with a friend of mine. It was his documentary and it took 10 years to make with a lot of research, time with many homeless people, and a lot of footage. After all the experience, even my friend does not give ANY FOOD AND/OR MONEY to the homeless while in the car, walking on the street, or outside a store. Law enforcement even encouraged people who do so as well. He's not being mean, it just encourages a lot more panhandling. There are also plenty of people who misuse the sympathy of people. He doesn't give anything except for information where they can get free food as well as free rides to places where they have free food, plenty of free clothing, and sometimes shelter for the night and it's all paid by the city and government. Giving that information does provide more hope than just giving someone some food and or money.Now, if seeing that homeless man like that really did strike compassion to you (and rightfully so) then why couldn't you just stop by somewhere to get him some food? I would say that her response to you guys did sound a bit immature but it also was her food. You might be upset he was hungry but you are also spending your energy critiquing her when at the end, the man was still hungry and you didn't do anything as well. It would make you the bigger person if you would have gotten him some food and demonstrate your core belief.If you guys have been together for 4 years, maybe there is something to your relationship. Look at what really matters. I'm sure there are plenty of things that you 2 have seen in each other that demonstrates a lot of love between you 2.
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reader, llifton +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I actually really do see where you're coming from. I think some may over-look it and not really think twice. But I wouldn't. I don't blame you.
Now, if originally, the man startled her and made her uncomfortable or uneasy, as sometimes a situation where a man approaching a woman unexpectedly might, I'd say otherwise. But clearly that wasn't the issue. She was just plain selfish and greedy, in my opinion. And the man wasn't asking for money - just a legit request for food.
I would really have a problem with this, as it shows a deep lack of compassion that I would not want in my partner, either. I don't think you're over reacting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Here's an interesting perspective for you. My ex. was very generous with the homeless when we were in North Africa. He is from there. He would give money left, right and centre and he even took in a guy who had had family problems, lost his job and we fed and clothed him.Most of the time this would be my money spent to help this person, if I was there with him, but I was happy to do so.I thought this was great. That he would think that way. However, when it came to being kind and generous to me, forget it. I never got a birthday gift from him, nor a card, in several years. I had fairly major surgery and he was unsupportive and unhelpful. He seemed unable to extend that kindness and generosity to me and just took from me endlessly.When I asked him about this person that we helped all the time when away, he said "I don't do it for him, I do it for God". Basically he was doing it because he wanted to do his charitable duty in God's eyes. Not from the kindness of his heart. And it also suited him because he had this guy running around on a "grateful" string doing all sorts of errands for him! As well as going drinking with him .. lol... I wouldn't read too much into what happened. Your gf sounds maybe a little selfish and immature. I know I would have pulled over and handed him some money but that's me. But not everyone who DOES give is doing it because they are kind.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 April 2014):
If you or the sis were so affected by the plight of this homeless man, why didn't you simply pull out a fiver and hand it to him so he could get his own food ?
What better occasion to reaffirm your moral values of social solidariety , than by being generous yourself rather than asking someone else ?
Your gf perhaps may also not be a very generous soul , or may have a vein of coldness . ( BTW, lots of people who donate generously to charities or volunteer their time and effort at soup kitchens and homeless shelters etc do not believe in direct,ad personam interventions which solve one case of mendicity for half a day and perpetuate a social problem for ages, but that's all another story ... ) Let's say she is less compassinate than you - how did you show your compassion ? Did you tell your gf that she could give her food to the guy,since YOU were going to stop again at the next conveience store to buy her another snack ?....
Sorry, but... as a crude saying of my hometown goes " It's too easy being gay with someone else's ass .. "
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): How has it taken 4 years for you to notice this?
She's not likely to change since she doesn't see the problem. I would look at the relationship and really ask how compatible we are.
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