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*cattermagic7
writes:I have met someone He is divorced and has 3 grown children the youngest is 20 and still in college. The ex wife and he share a house he lives in the basement and she lives on the first floor. They sometimes share meals and when daughter comes home they go out to dinner as a family They also go on vacations together both have dated very little. Im having a hard time dealing with this scenario as I question where do I fit in. He doesnt see anything wrong with this picture. Im told its done for economic reasons
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2020): Cake and eat it, rings a bell. I would bake your own cake.
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male
reader, awesome14 +, writes (16 May 2020):
AUnacceptable!! This guy is a total loser with zero testosterone! LIVES IN HIS EX-WIFE'S BASEMENT? Forget about it! OK, So it's less expensive to live in his ex-wife's basement! There's also aomething called aelf-respect!
It's just so pathetic! But, if you're desperate to be made a fool, go for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2020): Are there really not enough potential partners out there that you have to ask yourself whether you’re willing to overlook something that bothers you right from the get-go? Or do you really hate to be by yourself that you would overlook such things?
If you’re uncomfortable now, my advice is to not even bother. At the end of the day it’s up to you whether you absolutely cannot stand to be alone or you don’t think you can do better.
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female
reader, hilary  +, writes (15 May 2020):
 I believe that this arrangement was put together for economic reasons, but that is another thing you ought to be looking at. Do you want to get serious and fall in loved with a guy who has financial problems? Would you then be expected to go without things other women usually take for granted or pay for it all yourself?
Most relationships end because the woman has had enough, so there may well be a bit of him wishing he was still with her and making the most of the time he can spend with her. It is also far better for him to do that than to be alone a lot.But is he perhaps seeing you as a way to make her jealous in the hope of getting her back full time? Is he seeing you because she will not have sex with him and he wants a sex life and that is your role?
I have also known of people in similar situations where the role of the girlfriend was to be a therapist/counsellor/listening ear when he was down or had had an argument with his ex. And other cases where the man is skint and ends up expecting the girlfriend to let him move in with her and be kept by her.
I do not think you can just decide if it is good enough, that is too black and white, you also have to look at what you deserve and if you can do better? If you are unemployed and living in a rented room you can expect less from a guy than if you have your own successful business and a lovely house all bought and paid for. The more you have to offer the more fussy you can be.
This should be about how things are now but also where can they lead to and is that good enough for you? Nowadays a lot of women do not want to get married or live with a guy, in which case much of this does not matter?
Please look at the emotional side but also the practical side of this arrangement and how it can affect you.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 May 2020):
Hi there. I don't think I would feel very comfortable in that situation if it was me.
The fact that they go out for dinner as a family, and go on vacation as a family makes me think are they doing this for the children, even though they are adults.
Another question I have, is when they go away on vacation as a family, are they sleeping (him and his ex-wife), in the same bed?
I am assuming they go away and stay in a motel.
I would feel very doubtful about that, even though he says it is over now.
The financial bit, is believable as once a property is sold in settlement, each has only half of the total value, which makes it very hard to start again.
As someone else has mentioned here, if his ex-wife knows or gets to know about you, there may well be some jealousy.
This would explain why neither has dated very often, since the divorce.
It is an awkward situation, even though for both him and his ex it is convenient, it doesn't make it easy for either of them to really move on and have a real chance of true happiness again in the future.
It will always be an emotional barrier for you, and any man who his ex-wife might meet.
Because if any relationship begins to look serious, well then it's going to mean the house will need to be sold.
No matter how much you love him, this convenient situation (for him), will always get in the way, and you will be in for a lot of unhappiness and absolute misery.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2020):
 I have to agree with the general consensus that only YOU can decide if this is something you can work with or not.
Personally? I'd wish him well and move along. It's great that he and his ex can make it work and I have to say there has to be more to it than "just" finances. If he can't afford his own place, can he really afford to start a new relationship?
Is he staying there in the basement until he find a new partner he can move in with? To keep his expenses down? So until that new partner is ready and willing to have him move in... HE lives with his ex. Basement or not.
If they are doing this to afford the college tuition for all the kids, then good for them for putting their "kids" first. But it really means that they themselves would/will prioritize a new partner way lower on the pole. Which again, I get. It's just not that grand for the new partner... is it?
Just like I wouldn't want to date a grown man who lives in his mother's basement, this is a total no-go for me as well. YOU might feel differently.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 May 2020):
 I'm torn on what I think about this. On the one hand, it is fantastic that they have such a civilized "non-marriage" and, despite their marriage coming to an end, they obviously still like each other enough to rub along ok. On the other hand, depending on the dynamics and each one's "agenda", it might make someone like yourself feel like a bit of a spare wheel.
As I am not the one dating him, it's irrelevant what I think. What is important is what YOU think and feel about this situation. Have you met the ex wife? If so, how did she make you feel? If you and this guy were to get "serious", where would you live?
I know of a couple of families where the ex partners are still very much involved in each other's lives and it all works well. However, this is dependent on the romantic relationship between the original couple being 100% finished. Even then, jealousy can creep in when one of the partners wants to get involved with someone else.
I think you shouldn't be afraid to admit you do not feel comfortable with this situation. You cannot demand he moves out or stops having any contact with his ex wife because you have no right to do that. However, you do have a right so say "I'll give this a miss as I am not comfortable with it".
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): I think it's up to you to decide if you can accept dating a guy who is still unofficially-married to his ex-wife. Frankly, I think it's amiable and gracious that they are on good-terms and civil with each other. It may hinder his love-life somewhat. I personally wouldn't date anyone still so close to an ex. I wouldn't avoid the option to become very good friends with both. Romance is out of the question. I'm allergic to drama.
If you're asking us to suggest or advise you how to undo this, or if you should intervene? We'd all be over-stepping in that opinion. Who's to say? Divorced people don't have to be enemies. Living together and sharing the same home poses an issue that I don't care to deal with; so it's not my problem to interject any opinion regarding their relationship and family-arrangements. Therefore, I'd take a pass; if I were in your situation.
That arrangement was in-place before he met you. If you disapprove of it; you have every right to opt-in or out. If you opt-in, your place is to give it no mind. It is what it is. If you go in with the intention of disrupting their arrangement and causing an upheaval; I think you will be met with much resistance. You will likely be ejected.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): You will get nothing out of this relationship other than pain and headache. My advice . Cut loose and run.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 What is your question ?
Is it " Is this man telling me the truth " ?
Or is it " Can I handle this kind of arrangement " ?..
The answer to the first question would be : maybe. Not very probable, since generally speaking there's more than meets the eye in this kind of situations, and often they are not dictated by economic reasons only- but obviously we cannot exclude that everything is just above board friendly and practical, just like he says.
To the second, anyway, you have answered yourself and it makes the first a moot point : No. You don't like this. You are not comfortable with this scenario. You want to fit in also officially, I imagine, and you want, and rightly so, to date someone who is free and unattached, whether the attachement is just emotional or financial or out of convenience. So, unless he is willing and ready to disentangle himself in the shortest possible time, unluckily he is not the right match for you.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 May 2020):
 Where do you fit in to this scenario? Actually i would go so far as to say that you don't fit in a all.
I'm not sure sure if anyone would fit into this scenario to be honest, and i'm surprised that he thinks you should.
How can you have a relationship with this guy while he is still playing happy family's with his ex wife, and even going on vacations together.
I would get out of this relationship and find someone without all the attachments and has more time for you.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 May 2020):
 You have my explicit permission to do better. You probably should have given yourself that permission.
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