A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am 63 and my guy is 65. We both own our own businesses, both fairly healthy. No children. We got together six years ago and both had no children from before. He lives with me in my house and they have often visited here and spent a lot of time here visiting us as a pair. I have no family whatsoever. Over the years I have regularly met up with his brother, cousin and cousin's wife and now there is this lock down we all zoom.This is what irritates me and upsets me.I have a list of all of their birthdays and make sure that my guy always gets a birthday card off to them in time - there are loads of them. Very often there are lots of emails, texts and phone calls back and forth about all of these different birthdays between them and my guy - all of the contact with them is through him. Yet when my birthday is coming up nothing. None of them have ever asked when my birthday is. My partner has never made a point of saying it -he is a placid quiet type who doesnt like to annoy people!It is my birthday soon. About a week ago he made a point of telling them, some sent me a birthday card but his brother just ignored it.Then today when we zoomed with them and something came up about it being soon his brother saidWELL I DIDNT KNOW THE DATE. BUT ANYWAY WHY WOULD I NEED TO KNOW THE DATE TO y o u r BIRTHDAY?I nearly said, what am I then chopped liver?After the zooming I said about it to my guy and he agreed with me that it was an odd and dismissive thing to say. But as usual he wont say anything to his brother etc as he doesnt want to make a fuss or cause arguments etc.Am I over reacting?What is the best way to handle this? Its no good saying to tell my guy to be different, tried all that and none of it works.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): Thank you for providing an update and providing clarification.
The suggested solution remains the same then: they do not care enough, you cannot force them to care, and to bring it up makes you look like you’re forcing the issue.
Accept that this is who they are and what they will do. Either continue being generous and expect nothing in return (and don’t harp on it to them or even silently by yourself) OR stop being generous with them. Yes, it’s hurtful of them, but try to move on and focus on the people in your life who treat you right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2020): I get it. If these people have plenty of time and money and make a big fuss of the other birthdays they should make a fuss of you to, at least a card or whatever it is they normally do for others. If you are living with your guy and have been with him for six years you are virtually married.
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female
reader, hilary +, writes (19 May 2020):
 Most of you misunderstood the situation. This is not a case of how I have a thing about birthdays and they are not interested in them. Every one of them is around the same age as us, got loads of money and time, makes a big fuss about all of the other birthdays but ignores mine. My partner makes a huge fuss of mine but it is hurtful when they are all going on and on about the card they bought for this one and that one at great length but always leaving me out of this. When they get cards from us they know I do it, they know my partner is too busy to. As for one saying neither of us can navigate simple life problems, we both earn our livings helping others, a very good living, I have approximately 300 staff working for me and he has about 800. When people have a problem they come to us, whether it is professionally or someone we know in the family or personally. I wonder if you have any idea of what it is like to belong to a family and be the only one who does not get birthday cards from all of the others? This is about emotions and feelings, not I need advice on what to say and who to say it to or whether or not to send a card to someone. That is the easy bit. I would pass that on to my personal assistant or secretary, simple. No more thought needed.
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reader, awesome14  +, writes (18 May 2020):
First of all, birthday cards and gifts are pretty much a woman thing. I've never sent a birthday greeting to anyone. If I attend a b-day party, I observe what the hostess requests. My Mom does all that stuff.Second, you're not related to anyone in his family! And, they may have loyalty conflicts. But one striking thing is neither of you have children! That would make the two of you 1:100,000 couples who got together in thwir late 50s, neither have children, both are entrepreneurs, and neither can navigate simple life problems. So you came to a feeble Intenet board looking for help? My Dad never remembers my birthday! My Mom always reminds him! And, he makes me write an invoice for the gift I want! I can have anything I want anyway. It's just his idea of humor.I hope you can get over this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2020): Is your relationship with his family JUST based on the exchange of gifts and saying happy birthday? My parents are like your partner’s family—they NEVER say happy birthday or send cards. Not even to me! But my husband and I have a very strong relationship with them because there is more to our relationship than birthdays.
I think it’s wonderful how thoughtful you are towards his family. I understand that you interpret their lack of remembering your birthday as a lack of caring. But do they show caring some other way? If so, let this go.
If they show they don’t care AT ALL, then it’s best to just accept who they are and what they’ll do because they won’t change and expecting them to change for you is unreasonable. Perhaps rather than voice your disappointment with what you expect of them, you can instead focus on the relationships themselves. Are they good to you as a member of the family in their own way? If they are just awful people then just accept that, and if you still want to be generous then be generous without expectations. Otherwise cut ties mentally so you don’t stress about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2020): My mother in law is similar to you I think. She didn't have a family to speak of when she married my father in law. So when she did she thought she had gotten an instant family. They were very nice to her over the years. But they didn't "accept her into the fold" as they say. That doesn't mean they didn't talk to her, invite her to holidays and special events. Include her. But when it came to going that extra mile they didn't do that for her. She often got very upset and I couldn't figure out why because they seemed to treat her fine. But she wanted something they were incapable of giving to her because she didn't quite fit in. Now I don't know if that's your situation. I'm taking it you aren't married and that may be an issue for them. Or maybe it's that you are not the original Mrs (his last name). Some people distance slightly because of that. But really as long as he knows it's all that matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): May I wish you an early Happy Birthday, my dear?
You can't force sentiments on people that they don't feel from the heart. A halfhearted, forced, nonchalant, or empty-gesture is worse than no acknowledgement at all! They are older mature-people who aren't caught-up in keeping track of birthdays outside their family-clique. People over sixty often prefer to forget their own; let alone bother to remember those of anybody else! They seem to be unpleasant folk to begin with!
Trying to be adopted into the family-fold is sometimes a difficult and complicated process. Keeping track of birthdays may seem to be a regular family-tradition; but it may also be an exclusive one...excluding all outsiders! Not to include in-laws, boyfriends, or girlfriends! The more birthdays you have to remember, the more stressful and expensive it can become for those on fixed-incomes. Besides the fact that they just don't care to remember your birthday! They just may not like you that much. You are mature enough to realize and accept that.
My dear, these are no longer the good-ole days; when people had manners, and filters. When people even tried to be kind and inclusive. Sometimes they're ill-mannered, mean, boisterous, and selfish. You have to skip-over and avoid people like that! They overshadow us good-folk, but we are still there! You should start your own little club of ladies who play cards, read books, garden; or share a common-interest, or hobby. Then you can exchange gifts, celebrate holidays and special occasions.
If you rely solely on your partner and his family, you limit yourself. You need to get out there and make some friends!
It would be courteous of them to remember and offer some acknowledgement; but if you have to keep nagging and reminding them, then perhaps you should just forget about it. If you have a wimpy partner who doesn't take it upon himself to support you, and try to encourage others to be more inclusive; maybe you should direct more of your displeasure towards him, not his relatives! They're not your relatives; and obviously they don't feel so close, or compelled to remember your birthdays. Please don't take it too much to heart, my dear.
Place the pressure on your partner to remember, not his kin. He's the one who should make your birthdays special; and it's more his responsibility to remember all your special occasions. Getting miffed at his relatives is being petty; and will only have you depressed and brooding when your birthday does come along.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2020):
 I'm with Auntie Cindy.
My mom was exceptional at remembering people's birthdays, sending cards and gifts. After she passed away... nothing. My brother and I email each other for birthdays, I do remember SOME birthdays and send cards but I'm not that consistent, IF I do forget to send a card I e-mail or text to wish them well.
Not everyone over the age of 30-40 are really that into their own birthdays. Myself included, I leave birthday fuss for the younger ones.
I think you ARE overreacting because you EXPECT everyone around you to want to do what you do, send cards. Many people don't.
I know my kids send "Thank you notes" and they friends thought that was so weird and "old-fashioned" but.. it's something I was raised with, something I like so I have thought them that. At some point they might choose NOT to do that any more and that is on them. I can't control what they CHOOSE to do.
If you enjoy managing your partner and HIS side of the family's card-sending, then enjoy. Doesn't mean you are now OWED cards for your birthday.
If your partner didn't do the card-sending BEFORE you, then maybe it's just not something that HIS family did/do much. It is what it is.
There isn't just ONE way to show you care, or they care.
His brother's flippant comment was because he was put on the spot. (I think) and he didn't like feeling you had pulled his pants down. So he pulled the "why should I care?" thing.
Which was rude. But it also tells you where you stand with this person.
I'd let it go and accept that birthday cards (for you at least) is not their thing (well some of them) and leave it at that, because what is the alternative? To get upset EVERY year if someone forget or chooses NOT to send you a card or congratulate you? That sounds rather miserable if your world revolve around being congratulated or not, for having been born.
Life is too short to get miffed over the little things. IMHO
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 May 2020):
 A few things to consider here, I think.
Firstly, your partner's family are his family, not yours. They probably think the cards arrive because HE remembers to send them. Even if they realize you are the driving force behind the cards, it sounds like they just take it for granted.
Secondly, don't assume that, because you have a caring heart and make the effort to ensure others feel "special" on their birthday, that others have the same mindset. Some people really are thoughtless and selfish.
Also, your partner is old enough to remember to send cards. He can set himself reminders on his phone or write them on a wall calendar. You are his partner, not his mother. He is an adult, not a child who needs reminding to do nice things for people.
If this really hurts you, which appears to be the case, take a step back and stop caring so much for these people who don't care about your feelings. Perhaps they are not big into acknowledging birthdays (many of us are not). Enjoy what they do offer.
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reader, hilary +, writes (14 May 2020):
A bit puzzled about the responses to this. I read this to mean that her partner's family all make a huge thing of birthdays and celebrate the birthdays in style making a big issue of the cards, with all of the rest of the family but not her. Not that she makes a bit thing of birthdays but they are not like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): I posted this problem and thank you for your replies.
Perhaps I did not explain myself properly but there are are big points you all seem to be overlooking.
These people, his family, make an enormous fuss about birthdays in the family. Not kids birthdays, adults, people of my age. They love it. They will text my guy over and over and phone him to talk about the card they are sending to such and such for weeks in advance of it. They make an enormous fuss about everyone in the family's birthday - mostly mature adults - everyone. So this is not about how I remember birthdays and they do not matter to them. They matter a great deal to them. They live too far away to some of the family to get together so then the birthday card becomes the huge main thing, as it does with us, as we are three hours apart and cannot meet often. Very often they will all get together for a big lunch or throw a party for someone's birthday. If you only get a card that is unusual.
I find it hurtful if we are zooming and then go on at great length about how it is cousin such and such's birthday and all the fuss they are making about it when it is my birthday soon and nothing at all about mine. They then tell you they sent him a fantastic card and how much he likes it, but no card for me.
The other day we were all zooming and most of their conversation was, as usual, about various members of the family and how their birthdays were due soon and what a big fuss they were making of it all. They brought it up. They went on and on about it. Not me.
As for how I shouldnt bother to remember their birthdays for my guy. He asked me to do this. Because like them he is very much into birthdays and celebrations and remembering special days. But he also works very long hours and has very little spare time. I have a lot more spare time than him so we agreed I would make a list and put them in my diary and remind him as he is often trying to be in two places at once time wise and then some get forgotten or left till it is too late. I was not making him remember.Spmetimes he is abroad on business and it makes sense that I, who has a lot more time, does this simple thing. It was him it was important to. He would become very upset if he had missed one. This is not me thinking birthdays are important and pushing this onto him. He is very much into birthdays,more than anyone I have ever known before. He does a lot for me and I help him too, thats a partnership.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 Personally yes, I think you are over reacting.
Not all adults are big on birthdays. Some, actually many, don't particularly care about celebrating their or their relatives' birthdays , particularly after a certain age. Kids, OK, you MUST fuss about birthdays, but grown up people, not so much .
It does not mean that they don't care about the person, or that the person is disposable to them. For instance, I have been lucky to have made, and mantained almost life-long friendships with some women to whom I am much closer than to my own sister , still nobody makes a big fuss about birthdays . It's not that we make a point to NOT celebrate, - if we happen to be in the same city, or part of the world, we 'll have a Sex-and-the-City moment and we'll go out for brunch or drinks. Otherwise, a quick WhatsApp message may happen- or maybe not, but nobody gets offended; the wishes are exchanged , in person or by phone, at the nearest convenient later date… but that too is not etched in granite. And, talking about brothers-in-law, I get along brilliantly with mine, he is a gem of a BIL. Yet, I don't even know when is birthday is exactly ( some time in February, I think ).
The whole concept of a birthday card, then, sounds a bit quaint and cumbersome to me, and / or in my neck of the woods. I mean, it's cute ,sure, but now that we can use apps and emails and social networks,and Skype and Jitsi and whatever… honestly I don't know anybody who would still want to go buy a stamp and lick the stamp and mail the card etc...
My point is not that you are wrong in sending / wanting cards. You do you !, if that's your preference for birthdays, that's perfectly fine. It's just that maybe you should not give it for granted, - that's the way you are used to do things, but, again, it's not necessarily an universal way which suits everybody !
Maybe that's the way things were done in YOUR family, and it's a nice way, I am not criticizing, but maybe that's not the way your partner 's relatives were and are used to. Different families have different priorities ( and also different ways to show affection and appreciation ).
What your brother in law ( sort of, since you are not married , I think ? ) said, was maybe a little blunt, he could have been gentler, more diplomatic - but the sentiment ( of sincere wonderment : why the heck am I even supposed to KNOW my brother's gf 's birthdate ?? ) is one that , believe me, a lot of people would share.
Which does not mean he is a bad person , or that he does not like you. Just that in his family they have different priorities ,and different policies about birthdays.
Then again, if it's six years that you have to " make sure " that your (very grown up) partner sends HIS relatives a birthday card- it means that this habit or custom was never much ingrained or much heartfelt in their family, it's something that he does because YOU feel it is important. I'd bet he does not feel the same.
You seem to go along with your partners' family , and have good and frequent communication with them. I'd say that this is the main thing, and I'd be glad and grateful about that.
The rest are all irrelevant details, which, if they should come spontaneous, fine and dandy ; if they don't- it's all good anyway, don't push and prod for getting thgese very superficial signs of recognition.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): Very easy really: Do unto them what they do to you. Don't remember any of their birthdays anymore and if they ask you: Oh sorry I forgot. Don't buy them any birthday presents unless they buy you ones. If your bf reproaches you tell him why you are ignoring their birthdays.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 May 2020):
 Like my wife you are a "keeper of days". Like your partners relatives, I am not. You are not likely to change their habits. You are doing a fine job of enforcing your partners observance, and that is about as far as your influence can and should go.
I'd also like to mention that the observance of days is a love language for you. It is a way that you show and receive love. It is a valad love language, but like all other love languages, not everyone has it. You show love by making sure they get a card. They may never receive that love. They are showing you love in their way, and you are not receiving it.
You CAN change how you feel by practicing accepting their forms of love. In order to feel their love, you have to learn to recognize and acknowledge the ways that they speak love.
You ask, "What is the best way to handle this?" Here is an assignment for you, if you should choose to accept it. Next time a family member Zooms you two, thing consciously to yourself, "this person is saying that they love me by spending quality time with me." Thank them for their effort.
The only person you can change is yourself.
FA
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 Spring clean the area where you keep that list and lose it, either shove it in a cupboard or get rid of it altogether. Stop being an emotional caregiver for your partner, he is 65 years old, if he wants to remember people's birthdays and other significant occasions surely he is old enough to do that for himself without you "making sure he gets a card off to them in time".
Just stop being responsible for that, you are not his mother. As for his brother's rudeness, I'm going to assume he is in the same age range and if he has never had to think of other people's birthday's without prompting for the past 50 or 60 years its going to be a bit of a surprise to realise this is now expected of him.
I also feel six years has been long enough for your partner's family to learn when your birthday is, and because they they need prompting to send a card or acknowledge the day they could be considered a lost cause.
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