A
male
age
30-35,
*ellow
writes:I don't know, to be honest I have no idea at all what I'm thinking.You see there was this girl hitting on me in the campus, she started with a little chit chat on facebook then advance to text messages from the number she got from my friend. But the problem is we barely know each other, well we did on the internet but hardly in real life. I feel rather uncomfortable with her hitting on me like that.I have an, unpleasant experience, if I'd call it. The same event happened before with another girl, I didn't accept her and we proceeded as friends. But perhaps that leaves a huge impact on her and she depraved into some kind of letting-herself-go, got herself drunk always and ended up bed with someone. Eventually got herself pregnant and quit the studies. Ever since then I always feel guilty about this and couldn't cease to blame myself for ruining her future. I swore to never let that happen again.It's not like I don't like this girl who's currently after me, but I don't want to recklessly start a relationship without knowing anything about her. Even if I were to decline her, I don't want it to be ended up like last time. I've done damage far enough, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Somehow that leaves me in fear and sorrow, I'm fear of losing friends and I'm sad because I don't want to hurt anyone.Her aggressive advancing somehow scares me, I don't really prefer girls hitting on me instead me going for them. I'd like to try my own luck on getting somebody myself, but I hate to tear someone up either...Since the previous matter were already known to the whole campus, decline in this one will definitely make people think I'm unapproachable. Girls will probably start seeing me as some sorta gay nerd.I don't know what should I do, for the mean time the only thing I'm sure is that I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I need more time, but what are the actions?
View related questions:
drunk, facebook, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): any news? have you made up your mind?
A
male
reader, Mellow +, writes (19 January 2011):
Mellow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.Even though she may or may not be another part for me, and I'm not thinking highly of myself capable of ruining her life. It's because I don't want to lose a friend, and if I'd turn her down, it will be awkward moment for me & her to bump into each other next time. Since our campus wasn't really such a huge place.
And the 2nd reason I'm hesitating because I'm already notorious enough to known as the "Mr.Ice" around the college.Not because who they think I am, I'm just not well with communications. I wish to blend in but people tend to think highly of me and staying away. I'm also not the kind that is good at turning people down, I often unwittingly come up with awkward response at the wrong time.
If there's one more mistake I make, I will probably known as a cruel bastard throughout the campus....
Once again, I'm really grateful for all you replies. I could hardly thank you all enough, since I don't really have any good friends to talk about this in real life. People either think of me as cold or emotionless, but the fact is I'm not good at expressing myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mama C  +, writes (18 January 2011):
and by the way - Don't send mixed signals along the way! After you communicate that you're just into friendship, if she gets too close, be polite but firm. If she tries again, walk. If she has a meltdown, realize she may have unhealthy rejection issues and you're better off not involved with her. Her fall is not your fault. You can feel bad about her lack of self esteem - but you can't make her sleep with anyone, honey. You may be hot, but you're not houdini. Don't agonize over this stuff! Just communicate what you want and stick to it. Lotsa love!
...............................
A
female
reader, Mama C +, writes (18 January 2011):
Tell her - go out together, but TELL her you just want to get to know her as friends. Commmunication, my man:)! Lotsa love!
...............................
A
female
reader, TexInTheCity +, writes (18 January 2011):
Dude, there's no way it's your fault the last girl freaked out and went on a sex romp. That's a pretty big ego thing you've got going if you think your saying no to a girl ruins em for life. She was just weird to begin with, just stop taking that responsibility, for real it's not your deal.
If new girl is coming on too strong, tell her. If she freaks out like the last one, that's her problem not yours. Maybe they have a bet going or something. Just be clear and honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 First off: YOU never ruined that girls future. Don't think too highly of yourself, she was the one who made HER life decisions. Not you. In no way whatsoever were you ever responsible for her life decisions. You promised to never let that happen again? You can't promise such a thing, because you are not in control over what others do, thus it is not within your power to make such promises. You imagine that you have this impact on people's lives? You need to snap out of it, because although we would wish we had this much impact on someones life, we don't. Perhaps we can influence people, help them, or even inspire them. But when it all comes down to it, there is NOTING we can do to control their actions, not towards the better, not towards the worse.
My conclusion is: you're not guilty for that girl ending up pregnant. For all we know thats what she wanted. For all we know she messed up her life because of something else in her life that had nothing to do with you. To be honest it's highly unlikely that is was because of you.
Now back to the main case. If you want more time to get to know the girl then get to know her. After all that's all she's asking for, she's trying to get to know you. Let her, and in the same process get to know her. Just keep your hands to yourself, no kissing, no touching, and just talk and get to know each other. If she falls for you but you're not ready for a relationship/don't feel the same way, then you tell her so. Whatever she decides to do is NOT your problem, concern or even responsibility.
When we hit on someone, or try and talk someone up, there is always the risk of them not returning our feelings, or not being interested in return. It's how the game is played. Those girls were aware of that. You need to be aware of that as well. You just need to practice how to turn someone down without thinking it will ruin their life. Of course you should value yourself... but you're just not that important that girls you hardly know will ruin their life over you. Don't worry about it, they'll get over it and find another man. It's not that big of a deal.
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Least you have some brains about you, tell her you aren't ready to jump into the deep end until you've gotten to know her better tell her you want to take it slowly so you can she how she is as a person.
...............................
|
