A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 and my bf is 27. We have also only been together for 3mths. I discovered that I am pregnant. I have no kids and to be honest, at my age I had pretty much given up on the idea of it ever happening as I am prob too old now. I was on the pill.Neither of us have security. We have no money nor even can afford a place of our own. We live seperately and have roommates. I have no career or any sort of security. I have no family nor friends. I barely can financially look after myself. Every month is a struggle and the past few months I just about manage to pay my rent and buy food.The right thing to do (which I think perhaps he is hoping that I do too, but he is too considerate to say it) is to not carry on with the child. And of course this is a sensitive subject so I do not want any posters judging me or preaching to me about God etc (I am atheist) I need people who are open minded and who perhaps have been through this. I have no idea how I can look after a child when I barely know how I am going to buy food weekly. I will have zero support. My bf is on a low income too and the relationship is so new - realistically I can not bank of that.But at the same time, I feel horrible. I already feel attached to it. And at my age this could even be my last chance to ever have a child.Really do not know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): All I can say is 7 years ago I was apathetic about having a baby and too much got in the way. Forward to now...I am 42 nearly 43, been through a divorce and have not met anyone else suitable to settle with. I could not be more sad at not having a baby. My feelings have intensified and changed and I face a lifetime of this painful reminder. My only quickest options to have my own baby are through IVF sperm donor really. My fertility is extremely low along with my chances. If you decide not to go ahead and you have an abortion please consider freezing your eggs as fertility drops fast from age 35 and I was ignorant of the facts. Life circumstances along with your feelings can change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): 1 you are not too old to have a baby, do you want a baby, if you do carry on with the pregnancy many baby's in this world are not planned but loved and wanted. If you feel you can't have a baby that's fine to, go to your GP and arrange an appointment, it really is quite simple, but the decision has to be yours, good luck to you and best wishes whatever you decide xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Don't do it! I didn't carry on with a pregnancy 2 years ago and I regret it. Alot of girls do. I had 2 have counselling and everything for a long time after it but it never goes away
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female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (27 February 2015):
When I say "unsuitable" I mean wholly unsuitable - ie a squat, crack-house, homeless shelter etc . Women won't get housed if they have a already have roof over their heads however small and squalid it may be, but they can qualify for housing benefit if their wages can't cover it and the council can help finding landlords that accept mothers on housing benefits.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 The first thing i would do, if i were you, is to make an immediate appt with your GP.
This is critical & you need to discuss all your fears & frustrations with he/she & you will be given numerous options, but GPs don't always give out the best advice, so beware, esp if they get too personal with you.
Also, try to find out, google too, stories about mothers, both younger, older, who had to deal with what you're dealing with & see what they say, how they dealt with things & how they coped. Even what avenues they took, both personally, socially.
It really is not the end of the world for you, although it may now seem like it is.
In fact, many, many women would actually say that you have just been blessed more than you realise.
I am over 30, almost 40 & i am planning to try for 1 more child as soon as i marry in April this year.
You may say, what?!, why?
Well, quite simply, because i am still fertile, i am very healthy for my respective age & it took me all these years, to find my truest love & he adores me & has no children of his own, so why not? I say.
I am a nurse & have been for 16 yrs, i specialise as a mobile Doula/midwife & believe me, i have seen many women over 40 give birth to very healthy babies.
It is not so much about age, as it is about health believe it or not.
As i mentioned to a woman yesterday, in the West, we place so much emphasis on age, rather than good health, regardless of age.
Sure, things may be riskier as we age, but if a younger woman is not so healthy, her pregnancy could be @ risk too.
I watched the news last year & they talked about the fact that older parents make better parents & this makes perfect sense.
They are more financially secure, well most, they are more knowlegable bec they've been around longer, they have good values, good communicatuons skills, those who are old school, like me.
Above all, an older parent is more stable, more patient & i can say that @ my age now, yes, i am much more stable & patient & i am a loving, but firm disciplinarian.
Every child requires this, in order to become a positive & productive social citizen later in life.
It all begins @ home.
There are more & more under 30s, with high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, renal failure, so on & so forth.
You are pregnant, your partner is younger, but it's not about your respective ages really, as you're both of acceptable & consenting age.
It is about what you decide to do with this pregnancy.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, as a woman & a mother, i would encourage you to consider continuing with this pregnancy, only bec it is a gift to get pregnant, it is actually quite difficult for many women, from most age groups to get pregnant, so when you do, you should consider yourself very blessed, v fortunate, v lucky indeed!
The forming life within you, will bring you so many blessings, rewards, happiness, love & the positive list goes on & on & on, if only you, as it's mother, will grant it the opportunity to verify this. :-)
You say you're too old!! I say absolute bullocks, rubbish!!
You are still fertile, so nature allowed you to become pregnant, period!
When i hear young women say this & yes, @ your age, by gosh, you're still v young, i get really passionate, bec i know & i have seen the miracles @ many ages.
If you weren't supposed to, or able to get pregnant, you simply would not have. Do i make sense here?
Let your decision, not be about your bf, your ages, or anything trivial, but let it be about the child-to-be within your body.
Don't be, nor feel pressured by anybody, nor anything.
Do what your heart tells you to do, in this specific case.
As far as finances go, yes, it costs to have children, but truthfully money is not the most important thing here.
You can still cut down on big costs & raise a gorgeous & healthy child.
How do i know? Well, i did just that, when i was only 21 yrs old & by myself.
You would be fine, just as i was when i became pregnant in my v early 20s & yes, i was a single mother, now my son is @ Uni, ready to become a Mechanical Engineer, as his father was.
I could have made the most painful decision to abort him, as my ex offered to pay me to do so, bec although he said he wanted a baby, when i did get pregnant, he felt he was too young, not yet ready.
Today, my ex is wheelchair bound & has been for years, due to a horrific car accident that almost cost him his life, so he is always grateful for the gift of our son & after our son was born, he was the most loving, supportive & hands on dad i had ever seen, for as long as our union lasted, so you just never know.
You will get temporary Govt support if/when you have your child & perhaps you could find a part-time job, whilst you raise your child & your partner could do the same.
The days that you're working, you could arrange to have your baby cared for. ie; babysitter in-house, or a creche, if you were @ Uni, they often provide child care hours for parents requiring support during the day, but as you say you have no real income, nor does your partner, you must do your research, your homework, ask around, talk to others & i know you'd be feeling overwhelmed.
From a spiritual standpoint & i know you're not religious, but i truly believe that this child is being sent to you, for whatever reason.
Trust in that fact.
I imagine that you love children & that you'd love to have a child, but i guess you hadn't assumed, that it'd happen to you now.
Well, it has & you should lap up the moment! I would give my right arm, my left leg, to get pregnant, so i think you are very, very fortunate.
You could ring different charities whilst you're pregnancy advances & ask for support in different ways.
I have done this on the v rare occassion & they will assist you in the best way they can.
You only require temporary assistance & believe it or not, your local churches are often the best starting points, although you may not be enticed by this thought.
In Australia we have Centrelink, they give young Mums, older mums, esp single parents, much financial support, until she goes back to work.
Charitable organisations like Salvation Army are great too.
St Vincent De Paul etc;
I am unsure whether or not, they exist where you live.
If you're feeling depressed, opressed, ring Lifeline, Beyond Blue etc;
Ring around, google, check out what's actually available to you out there & i would not encourage you to terminate your pregnancy, unless it was the very last resort & even then, as a nurse, i will tell you, you need to get some pre-termination counselling & fast, if that is what you chose to do.
I would never encourage any woman to terminate her pregnancy, not unless she had a very specific reason for wishing to do so.
Many women do not realise the aftermath of aborting a child, although i know it's a v personal choice/decision to make.
An abortion can actually ruin your uterine lining if it's not performed under the strictest conditions, making it almost impossible to get pregnant down the line, not to mention the fact that it may affect you overwhelmingly emotionally afterward & you'd require much support there too.
You have your partner, he may be younger, but it took you two to tango & i am sure he will be there for you & his child.
Although it seems as though your life is coming to some sort of critical crossroad/end, everything happens for a reason & you need to be strong now & believe in yourself & in your ability to cope with anything that comes your way, good or bad.
Try to see all the positives rather than the negatives & hang in there.
Be strong, if not for yourself, for your unborn child. :-)
All the best & let us know how you get on please.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 "The right thing to do" can be discussed. With morality in mind, the "right thing to do" is to take responsibility for your actions and not punish an unborn child. In other words, to give birth. And then, if it really impossible to keep it, give it away for adoption.
"The right thing to do" if one is looking out for one self, being egoistic (don't get me wrong, this is an important trait in order to survive and is necessary for all humans to be from time to time): would be to abort the child in order to protect your own survival and self best interest.
But honestly, if you want the child, and you want to take responsibility for your actions, then both the moral aspect and the selfish need is being met in the same choice: keep it.
Yes, it will be hard, but you'll survive and get by. You're an adult, and you'll be surprised by how much you can accomplish once you have good enough reason/motivation for it. My brother was depressed and on social welfare. Then he got a kid, and now he works 100% and even takes up extra shifts in order to help ends meet. It's hard work, but two years ago NO ONE thought he'd ever get back to work, not even for 20%!
You don't need a support system, you don't need a career, you just need a job. Not everything needs to be perfectly set up before a baby arrives, things will find their place as you go along as well.
There are also welfare solutions for low income parents. Extra benefits here and there, extra offers. I don't know about them in your country, but where I live, if you have a child and are on low income, the state gives you a ton of extra social welfare, helps pay your rent and in some places they offer free daycare even. You just got to look into these things. Look into what offers are in your local community. I am sure you are not the first, or last, mom with a low income. And there's actually two of you, remember. He will have to help out, so you're NOT all alone in this.
I think if you have an abortion you will regret it. It will save you some trouble in the day to day life, but from the way you describe your feelings I can tell this is something you don't want to do. You want to keep the child, but I think you are just afraid of what people will tell you. Afraid that they will tell you you made the wrong choice. But you don't have to justify your actions to anyone, except yourself. So listen to what YOU actually want, instead of what you think is "the right thing to do" as you write it. The ONLY right thing to do is to do what is right for YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Have the baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Just want to comment on the post by RubyBirtle - NO, categorically wrong, the council will NOT house a mother and child if the housing is unsuitable. I know for a fact this is not true. If the mother also chooses to work she will not even be put on the council housing list, because the council DO NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MOTHER'S INCOME AND WHAT IT WOULD COST TO RENT PRIVATELY. All that they will say is that, if you can work, you can afford to rent. I was a single parent who was working and for the first two years was far worse off than I would have been on benefits, because I had to pay out to a private landlord and I had to accept a very low wage to begin with. The council AND housing associations simply do not want to know. Meanwhile, I know of loads of single people who have basically lied and been given council housing - people pretending to be homeless when they are not and people pretending to be on the receiving end of racial abuse or victimisation due to their sexuality - there are countless cases like this. Being a single Mum absolutely does NOT guarantee you a council house and I for one am so very tired of people assuming this. Whether she is on benefits or not it will make no difference. She will not be seen as priority unless she can prove a medical condition for her or her child, or if she can prove homelessness or danger from some form of victimisation.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Terminating a pregnancy has got to be gut-wrenching for a woman. You even said so, in your submittal...
What you didn't tell us is how YOU and B/F have DISCUSSED this pregnancy.... and how YOU and HE feel about it....
You and he would not be the first first-time parents who have struggled. Many - around the world - do so.. The issue is mostly... do you and he love one-another??? .... and, enough-so that you (and he) will endure the travails to start... and finish... bearing and raising a child??
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Oh, Sweetheart. If I could reach through the internet and give you a hug, I would. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through facing this decision.
Do you have any access to an unbiased (non-religious) counselor? Perhaps a Doctor or government-run social service could refer you to one.
I also have to hand it to your boyfriend for not pressuring you into one decision or the other.
Even in a stable marriage with a decent financial situation, having a child is still an almost overwhelming responsibility. I can't imagine the pressure it would put on a new relationship, although I have seen it work, but not without tremendous struggle.
Is adoption something you could consider? My wife was adopted. Her birth mother and father were in a similar situation to you. My wife is very grateful to her birth mother for giving her the opportunities that her adopted parents were able to provide her. I am grateful too, as I would have never met her otherwise. My wife (now a mother herself) once told me that it must have been the hardest, most painful decision her birth mother ever made. If I recall correctly, I do believe that her birth mother did eventually get married, find stability, and raise children of her own.
I do not tell you this to pressure you into making any certain decision; only to offer the possible outcome of one. I also know women who did not go through with the pregnancy and went on to live happy productive lives.
It is ultimately your choice and yours alone. I do hope you can find a professional who can help guide you through the hurdles of making it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): 35 is pretty much pushing it, but nowdays women have children in their 40s. So, you still have few years to go on.
The situation with your finances is in my opinion secondary to the fact that you are in such new relationship. And your boyfriend is so much younger than you.
If he was compatible with you age and maturity wise, things would be very much different.
First you could start living together, instead of having roommates. Financially it will be the same thing.
Secondly if he was up to having a baby, he could find a second job. People do it all the time, while wife can't work because of the baby, husband works twice harder.
I am talking from my own experience. We were very young, and I got pregnant immediately. My husband worked 3 jobs to support us, he was never home. When baby was older and started kindergarden, I got a part time job. It was not easy, but we did it. life is not easy, however you look at it.
I know you will regret your desision in a long run not to have a child
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A
female
reader, suzzzque232 +, writes (26 February 2015):
 instead of terminating the pregnancy have you thought about an open adoption? i know there are couples looking to adopt and willing to have the birth mother involved to a certain point.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (26 February 2015):
If you really want a child - don't go for an abortion. It will haunt you for the rest of you life.
You post from the UK which has a fairly robust welfare benefits system which can support you and your child. You will probably qualify for income support, housing benefit, tax credits, emergency maternity payments, child benefit and probably even more. The council will also house you if your current living situation is unsuitable.
I'm not saying that it's going to be easy. It'll be tough and you'll have to live on a strict budget but plenty of single mums manage it.
Get yourself down to the Citizens Advice Beaureau for advice on all the benefits you are entitled to and for help getting on the housing list (it's important to get on the housing list as soon as possible)
Get yourself to your G.P. and explain all your fears to him/her. You should be referred to the maternity services who can support and hopefully advocate for you and your child.
And get some emotional support from a pregnancy advisory service in your area.
No-one in the UK should have to give up a child just because they "can't afford" it. There are people out there to help you.
If you have other concerns (other than financial) about your ability to parent - explain this to your G.P. too which should expedite a referral to the maternity services who can give you additional support such as smoking cessation, parenting classes, involvement of social services etc.
Do you have family around?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Real answer here. This is real life and sh@t happens we don't plan on. We take care of the problem. You have a few options, place the baby up for adoption once its born perhaps reunite with the child at some point in the future if the child \ adult want to connect with you for giving her/him up in the first place. Real answer. if you can barely afford food and barely afford rent what makes you think you can afford abortion. If youre as broke as you say, you should not have been having sex. Or you should have been on the shot, the pill, an iud and using spermicide. Or if adoptions is not on the table for you. Then tell that guy who laid with you to work his nice guy ass off and get a second and third job to provide for you and your baby or just the baby. And maybe you can also go get second job least up til 9 months. Of course take care of yourself minimize the stress and anxiety. This is a happy time and most ppl just work hard to take care of unexpected surprises. if the nice guy doesn't get a second or third job well then, he's a jerk and never was a nice guy. Next time be more responsible and not so careless and reckless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Dear OP,
I'm not going to tell you what to do,as I really think you need impartial and professional advice. There are helplines for people in your situation and somebody very kindly suggested something recently:http://www.bpas.org/bpaswoman
I can only tell you what I'd have done if I were in your shoes (but don't follow this as gospel): if you already feel attached to it and you think this is your last chance and you want it-well, then start thinking of ways in which you CAN have it.
If the father can't help you out financially, is there any way that you can secure the financial future/well being of this child?
Just an idea- a TEFL course (if you are a British native speaker) and then you can move to a country that has lower expenses but where you get a decent salary as an English language teacher (e.g. Thailand, China-but do some research,my info might be a bit outdated).
Yes, it is very far away, it is moving half way across the world, but ultimately if you have no family ties here in the UK and you have no friends close enough to help you out in this difficult period, then maybe it is worth uprooting and improving your life? (Even if you decide not to keep it,I'd still think of any ways in which you can improve your life)
Research,research,research! I know that the well-recognised courses are in the region of £1000 to £1,500, but take only a month to complete and then you can look for a job! (also you might get help from the British council-sometimes they need people: contact them+ research!) They are ones that are no so well accepted in the field, but you can do on-line and cost only approx £150. You can still get a certificate at the end of those (but not a diploma).
This is just one of many ides, but I find that the old saying is very true: if you want it, you'll find a way. If you don't want it, you'll find excuses.
So decide what you want, how you can make it happen and then go for it.
None of us can tell you what the right thing for you is-you have to live with your choice for the rest of your life. We don't. So choose wisely.
And think about ways in which you can improve your financial situation anyway. In terms of that,I'm very sorry to hear that is far from perfect,but I don't believe that only rich people/well off people should have children/families.
yes,it would be ideal if you could afford it,but imagine you had a perfect job, savings for 6 months etc and then you lost it. Without family/friends to lean on,6 months go by very fast and then you'd be in the very same situation that you are in now. We don't know what's around the corner.
So,even with the perfect plan and situation-things can change very quickly and make it less than perfect. It's kinda what happened to Jack Monroe,I think (to an extent-she got pregnant,lost a well-paying job in the fire service,coz they couldn't change her shift pattern and child care was more expensive than her salary-http://agirlcalledjack.com)
All,I'm saying is-if you want it, think about ways in which you could make it happen. If you decide you can't deal with it right now-don't feel guilty. Either way, you did what you thought was right.
All the best of luck and keep us posted!
Hugs,
The Nonny
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