A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanksI dated a guy 15 years ago and we reconnected. Our relationship was great back then we got along well, he was very good to me, and we loved eachother very much. He was kind, sweet and funny. WE were both young and we mutually decided to move on and I left still loving him and hoped the best for him in life.Now it's 15 yrs later and wow what a change. He got married he had a child and he is a recovering alcoholic. His marriage is over and he has done different drugs as well. He has been in many programs for his addiction. I have been very supportive to him and he has been sober for 8 months which I'm so happy for him. However there's a lot of issues I'm having a hard time with. He doesn't sleep in fact he's up for 24-72 hours and I keep asking him to please take his sleeping medication. He hallucinates, he sends me videos of ghosts and people he says are there. I tell him nicely that's not happening and ask if I can please take him to the doctor to make sure he's ok. He changes the subject. He takes medication that's not prescribed to him. I ask him why he's doing this? His explanation is he'll try anything once. I tell him it's NOT HEALTHY and to please stop. His memory is not good as well he can't recall things that happened within days but he can recall everything that happened years ago. He's also on anxiety meds prescribed by his doctor as he has a high level of anxiety. He's also going through a divorce and his ex is pretty nasty. He has confided she was emotionally abusive throughout their marriage and they used to drink alot together and his drinking became unmanageable. There's days he seems ok he seems focused and there's days he's in a total fog and hallucinating. He mentioned he's applying for disability because he's unable to work due to his condition and I ask him if the doctor has a name for his condition and he'll change the topic. He could be changing the topic because he's unable to focus at that time. I do have feelings for him, and for the most part we get along well. He's always nice to me and caring as well. He has brought up marriage once his divorce is finalized. I can't unless this completely takes a turn for the better. I try to be supportive but is there going to be a rainbow after the storm? am I wasting my time?
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alcoholic, divorce, drugs, emotionally abusive, his ex, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Here in Florida, we have a pest known as "fire ants." The little creatures can get all over you, and their bites include a venom that can be excruciating.... even fatal in the case of small children and seniors....
Why mention that? Because YOU "sound" as if you're about to step in a fire-ant hill of a possible relationship.... and there seems to be nothing "good" about it....
Your choice; continue with your step, or turn away and have a normal life....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): I totally agree with the general advice on here to run.. and don't look back. He is not the man you knew. Possibly and in all likelihood, there was an existing predisposition to addictive behaviours when you first met them, but these would be triggered much more later on in life. I reconnected with an ex from over 20 years back, who was a weed smoker as a student and a bit of a drinker. He had been through several marriages and it soon became patently clear why. He started smoking late morning when he got up, smoked all day long and then drank and smoked in the evening. He seemed to be only interested in women, smoking and drinking and sleeping as long as possible.I tried to "help" him but he told me to shut up several times. I tried to make him see that his habits were wrecking his life, he didn't want to know. He was pushing 50 and behaving like a student still. I left him over a year ago when he failed to support me through surgery for cancer and a miscarriage later on. Please take heed. Don't waste your life on a waster.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Eh, I read your post and my first instinct was to YELL at you to run.. not walk away, but RUN.
He has traded ONE addiction (alcohol) for prescription pills - now he may CLAIM that he will only try them once, you know that isn't true.
The guy isn't even divorced, which means... HE is still married. LEGALLY.
His soon-to-be ex can be a total banshee, but THAT really makes NO difference. She didn't MAKE him into what he is TODAY. She might have had PART in his deterioration, but ultimately HE needs to take RESPONSIBLE for himself and get help. I doubt he will do either.
I agree fully with "The Nonny" - blaming the wife is SUCH a cop out. And It's not OK and seriously doubt it's even the truth. I don't know HOW many times I have read here on DC about married men who has SUCH horrible WIVES that they cheat, lie, drink, do drugs.. you name it.. and ALL blame the wife.. Why? BECAUSE it is easy! Blame someone else is MUCH easier then accepting "blame" and responsibilities.
What you REALLY need to accept is... YOU CAN NOT FIX this guy. HE has to WANT to get help and he has to SEEK out the help. There is no "wave a wand and poof" he is the guy you KNEW 15 years ago.
You already know there IS no "rainbow" here. It's NOT going to happen. You will NOT get a Happily ever after with this guy who USED to be a great guy. HE is not longer THAT guy, and he is FAR FAR from being capable or able to have a HEALTHY relationship.
I think his wife is divorcing him because of all the alcohol abuse and drugs - and HE is looking for another CARETAKER. (you).
Sorry, honey you really need to take those rose tinted glasses off and see the crap in front of you. No matter how many sprinkles or glitter you put on a turd, IT IS STILL a turd. And this guy? NOT the same man you knew 15 years ago.
I think you know, you are wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (26 February 2015):
I'm inclined to agree with Aiden and say that I don't see a rainbow-after-the-storm coming any time soon and it might be time to end the relationship.
He is either still using (just not alcohol) or something else is going on.
My immediate impression is that he has Korsakoff's Dementia which can be caused by years and years of heavy drinking. It's treatable in that it can be slowed down but it's still progressive and will get worse.
His hallucinations may be caused/aggravated by sleep deprivation.
But whatever his condition - he doesn't seem to be sticking very seriously to a therapy programme (not taking his meds, taking other peoples meds and refusing to see a doctor) and that's always a bad sign for any relationship.
Maybe a group like Al-anon can support you if you choose not to end that relationship at this stage.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (26 February 2015):
I don’t see a happy ending for you. He may well have been in programmes for his addictions, but he’s not successfully conquered them. Kicking an addiction isn’t as simple as putting down the bottle and throwing the drugs out, it’s about developing a whole new coping strategy. Addicts can easily transfer their addiction from one substance to another, and they’re not going to achieve lasting success if they continue to use substances to achieve whatever it is they’re seeking, whether it’s to cope, blot things out or whatever. Worst of all, he remains in denial. Telling you that he’ll try anything once shows very clearly that he has not addressed the behaviours and thought patterns that have helped him become an addict. That he continues to dismiss it and not discuss his need for help, shows that he remains in denial. His memory is fading and he has hallucinations: what more is it going to take for him to get it?
No-one would blame you for walking away. If you really want to support him, do so, but I would urge you not to pursue a relationship with him while he is like this, and to tell him this and explain your reasoning. I think you also need to be clear with him at what point you’re prepared to walk away. Either he’ll do what it takes to fight for you, or he won’t find the resolve within himself to sort himself out, but you will know you gave him every chance before doing what was right for you and walking away.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): OK,
I seriously don't understand this and will repeat it till I fell numb and turn blue in the face,if I have to but: EXES are EXES for a REASON!
Whatever the reason was in the past (i.e. "we were very young"), he was just not right for you then.
It sounds like he is even LESS of "Mr. Right" for you now.
He's recovering from several addictions-let him do that. You won't be helping, you'll be getting in the way/enabling him if you help out TOO much. Those are HIS DEMONS to fight,not yours.
Oh,and,btw,I don't know why,but I personally NEVER take too kindly to whoever is badmouthing an ex in front of me. I always just immediately think: "Shit, if that's how he is treating his ex and airing their dirty laundry for all to hear, that's exactly how he will treat me when we break up. I'll be the next "nasty" ex."
And then I drop them. I just personally can't be with someone like that because it always looks like they are blaming the ex for their own problems.
As in look at this line you wrote: " she was emotionally abusive throughout their marriage and they used to drink a lot together and his drinking became unmanageable."
I am sorry, we are now to believe that HIS drinking became "uncontrollable" (his own words,I presume), because of HER?Phluuuease. What is he? 5? Is he not responsible for his own actions? For his part in it?
Ok,she might have contributed or enabled him,but ultimately he is the only one responsible for his own drinking! (p.s. he is not responsible for hers, if she has any issues)
Again, this is one of the many reasons I don't like people badmouthing their exes- yes, it didn't work, yes, they might have been whatever,but they CHOSE to be with them and by your his admission he KNEW about it. A conscious choice to be with a destructive person right there.
It's very normal to be bitter about it for a bit,and sad that it didn't work out etc,etc,etc. BUT it's a period. It passes. Then you have to look at why it happened and take responsibility for your part in the demise of the relationship.
To me,it just sounds like he is blaming her for his weaknesses, his addictions and the consequences of his actions. She might not be a flower, but she can't force him to do anything. He WILL do whatever HE likes.
As you, yourself, have already realised, because YOU can't even convince him to take the right type of medication...
I.e. he is not listening to you. I.e. he does what he likes with his life.
Which,btw,is fair-he can do whatever he likes,as long as he doesn't harm others.
Whether you go down that route with him (and most likely get burnt) or not-now that is YOUR decision to make.
Personally, I really,really wouldn't, but it is your call and your life.
The Nonny
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