A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I would really appreciate some reassurance about the stage I'm at in ending a relationship. Please don't judge me, it's honestly been very hard.I became physically ill due to the stress of living with a binge drinker. I was with him for nearly two decades. Finally I was diagnosed me with chronic fatigue. We were living in my flat as he had promised to stop drinking so that we could buy a house together (he sold his place and moved into mine, so I believed he was serious and had also put my place on the market). I had to eventually ask him to leave, his behaviour was just too crazy for me to take anymore. That was in August 2011.Fast forward to now - 3.5 years later and I am only just trying to cut off from him totally. The reason for this is I had almost no support from anyone after he left and, as I was so ill, often for days or weeks on end I'd be bed-bound, he would come and visit and make sure I had food and wasn't going crazy being alone so much. The pscyhological impact of being so isolated has really affected me. This was terribly difficult as I longed for there to be someone, anyone else, to care for me. I found it incredibly hard having to ask him to help and this also really affected my self esteem, knowing no one else cared. On the surface, he is a nice, kind, guy but has deep rooted problems that he hides from others - so he would happily oblige and help but then we would both get very confused about the relationship because boundaries would blur - not sexually at all, just emotionally.I know I need to look into why I find it hard to maintain friendships - I can chat away so confidently people would NEVER believe I have this problem. But I've had bad experiences in longer friendships, I believe there are several reasons but, generally, the main one is that I am far too accepting of the wrong people and far too giving and then find I get angry and feel used years down the line. This has gotten so bad that I am now VERY wary of getting close to anyone, in case I get used again. My ex totally agrees with this and sees he used me too and blames himself. I do think I need expert help with this and so I'm not really asking for advice about this on this site. What I want to know about is whether I'm in a 'stage of grief' now re. my ended relationship.As I say, I have been in a very dangerous situation with no support network and very addicted to this one person who is unstable in himself. I tried, when I split form him and became seriously ill, to reach out to the few friends I had. One person who had actually told me I was her closest friend a few months before (after six years of friendship) just steadily dropped me over the course of a couple of months. This hurt me terribly and it's not the first time it's happened when I've risked reaching out for real help in stead of just giving it. There is no one else I feel I could REALLY turn to in an emergency or if I just feel like I can't take anymore. I have friends I can go out for a meal with and friends I could meet for coffee or go see an exhibition. But there is no one I could 'phone at 1am - like the book I am reading, about breaking addiction to a person, suggests is needed.Anyway, since I tried to cut myself off from my ex I've been quite isolated and my symptoms seem to have returned. I had been 'well' for about a year now, after carefully training myself to become fit and to monitor my diet etc - but always have to be careful. Anyway, this last month I caught a bug and couldn't exercise at all. I have felt extremely stressed, depressed, physically ill, impatient, angry, overwhelmed, extremely tired and low, crying almost every day. I've been back and back to the doctor over the last few years. My current doctor is really good, trying to work with me to figure out options. I can't tell anymore whether the symptoms I have stem from real physical illness or are just part of the breaking up process. What I want to know is whether this is a kind of normal stage of grief or something like that which tends to happen once you are over the heart-rending night after night of heartbreak. I used to feel totally helpless AND heartbroken about him. And I felt like this for about three years. Now I just feel angry and stressed and all the things I say above. It's like I am starting to really want to move on but feel trapped and stuck. Is this withdrawal symptoms from him? Even without the chronic fatigue, would it be normal for someone to go through this 'angrier' stage when trying to break an addiction to a person? Has anyone been through anything similar?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): Thanks everyone for your replies so far.
I just want to add/point out that I don't have any problem making friends - people are drawn to me. But I do have a problem in trusting that I won't be rejected - even after years it feels to me that it will be a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'.
I know this comes from an abusive childhood and some extremely difficult circumstances growing up and I've received counselling for that, but maybe I do need more. Yes, WiseOwlE, it is really hard to love myself when I have so many memories deeply ingrained about things my family said and did to me. And yes, it is true that I'm angry with myself, now, for being in this state. But I see my anger as a good sign - I really want to get better and to me this signals the beginning of a new energy, one to work with.
Over the years I honestly believe I've been a really, really good friend to people - but I recognise absolutely that something can 'click' and I will reject people or be rejected by them. I think I am drawn to emotionally unavailable people, who I feel I have to 'win over' with kindness, but who are limited. I am repeating a pattern from youth.
To be fair, I have not been able to rely on doctors AT ALL and this is why I've ended up spending a lot of time researching my physical illness and trying to find psychological reasons for it. Had I not done this I don't think I would ever have become physically well again. The doctors are mainly very dismissive of chronic fatigue and not directive or explorative. But I have successfully managed to work with them to do things like see a dietician (prior to that I had no idea I was intolerant to abut 50% of foodstuffs and her help contributed enormously to me getting better). And the doctors have been useful for straightforward things like giving me iron supplements when I'm low in iron - these kind of things rule out a lot of confusion for me; when I can detect a cause for a symptom I'm happy because I know I can fix it and get well.
I know I was drawn to my ex because he was a mixture of (apparent) warmth but was ultimately emotionally unavailable and very messed up ; I grew up in a family where my parents and elder sister were mentally ill.
Yes, the language used in my post is from the latest book I found, about how to break addiction to a person. I agree the language is rather dramatic, but the book is helping me.
Thanks so much again for your posts, I appreciate the time and care spent in replying.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Difficulty obtaining and maintaining friends; is a good indicator and a reliable prediction that you may not work through romantic-connections, or committed-relationships, very well. Friendship is far less demanding. People often don't know (or choose not to accept) the guidelines of both; or we just set our expectations too high in either case. People get married for all sorts of reasons.
Maintaining friends requires flexibility, kindness, some degree of trust, generosity, you have to have a welcoming personality, have some idea of the type of people you enjoy being around; and first and foremost,you have to know and love yourself.
Most people who don't make friends easily don't like themselves. Many have weak interpersonal-skills, and many don't have strong family-ties. We basically develop our interpersonal-skills starting from the playpen. You can tell a friendly social baby or toddler; because they will crawl or walk over to an unfamiliar child right away, and immediately begin to play. They giggle and goo at each other recognizing the fact they have something in-common. They're both the same size! (And speak the same language!)
So verbalizing, interactive-communication, and socializing starts really early. Usually starting from daycare, preschool, and kindergarten. Shy children are often catered to, and overprotective parents often shelter their kids from other kids. Especially when they are not particularly social themselves, or remember their own bad experiences. This same arrested-development in socializing is passed on to their children, nurtured through their entire childhood, and perpetuates well into their teens. Shyness prevails, and kids never learn to trust or talk even to kids their own age. They are positively-rewarded for being quiet and stand-offish; and people are warned to leave them alone.
They allow the child to bury their faces and pull-away in fear; or stubborn-refusal to be friendly. Even to close members of their own families!!!
Growing up through junior and high school; sometimes you have to stand-up to teasing, bullying, and peer pressure. Guess who would be the least prepared for it? The shy kids who were taught it's okay to isolate yourself from other kids. You don't have to be friendly; or share if you don't want to. Worst behavior of all; if you just don't like the way someone looks (or looks at you); it's okay to be scared or be anti-social. They feel justified in being mean, indifferent, or bullies.
You see the adult-version of this very behavior all around you. Standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. Eyes forward, eyes glance away from eye-contact, folded-
arms, and stiff body-language. It's like the world is turning into people who don't like other people.
Well, that also translates into your romantic-life. We read so much psycho-babble these days; everything seems to have a clinical-title and are referred to by acronyms. People automatically assume they have these social-disorders by self-diagnosis on the internet. Never-mind even seeking a professional-diagnosis. I know, I know... there are quacks out there making tons of money; who have professional-credentials churning out names to mental-illnesses. Prescribing pharmaceuticals for perks, in exchange for dispensing (pushing) new medications from drug companies (corporate drug-pushers); but don't have a clue what they're doing! People who do seek help, end-up with prescriptions; but they get no real hands-on advice from their psychiatrists, therapists, or counselors. Mainly because we all get pushed through the healthcare system like cattle, or our health-plan doesn't cover "that"! You just have to keep trying, and you'll luck upon someone who cares. You need a good/better therapist, my dear!
We wonder when we meet new people, why so many have an excuse not to be friendly? People who want to be in a commitment, but do not bother to offer a potential-mate the best version of themselves. How many people have you ever tried to date with the attitude: "I know I suck, but take-it or leave-it! Then turnaround and give you a grocery-list of perfect attributes they expect in a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse?
Well, if you really haven't adjusted your attitude by the time you're an adult; you'll meet someone you truly care for. The lack of (or underdeveloped) interactive-skills and inability to communicate with others, will transfer over right into our relationships. Where we find people who are clingy, non-trusting, impatient, moody, possessive, abusive, over-entitled, and down-right spoiled. A narcissist on one end of the spectrum, or a passive-aggressive on the other. Worse, all of the above rolled into one! (I met one, girlfriend! That lasted two weeks!)
When a 21st-century relationship fails, no one owns their share of responsibility for the failure.
Being from my generation, you took all the blame on yourself. Even though you have an alcoholic husband. I see you doing that in your post. Absolving him of all his transgressions; because he nurses you when you're sick.
He should, he made you ill!!!
Please don't miss my point. We all, as human beings, are guilty of believing our partner should have been more considerate of our unregulated/unchecked faults and weaknesses. Believing other people should bear the burden of figuring-out a way to compensate for our shortcomings; in order to make us feel better about ourselves. If that doesn't happen, it's one failed relationship after another. Adults should know better than that. If a person is bad for you, end it. Free yourself before it destroys you! Then pat yourself on the back for having the courage to do so! Anger is okay, it means you have gumption; and the will to fight to fight your way back.
You are not angry at your ex. You're angry and frustrated with yourself. You don't like you. If asked how you feel about yourself, you'll give yourself a fairly nice assessment; then you'll shoot yourself down. Then layout all your insecurities as an explanation for it. You know what, that seems to be the normal trend nowadays. It's supposed to come across as false-modesty. People just don't like themselves, and don't like other people. That is because they just assume others won't like them either. They feel rejected before even attempting to introduce themselves!
Friends are not just people you call at 1:00 am in the morning. It's nice to have that option in an emergency (i.e. my friends do); but few people have the time or inclination in a very busy world. You have to create a support-group that you willingly reciprocate in order to keep them active. Not just someone YOU can lean on; then whine, and use your own problems as your excuse not to wash the other hand.
My dear, people in our age-group have pretty much learned to cope with a lot of our own faults. We've lived half a century, and should take life a little less serious; because we've been there and done that. Your alcoholic husband drained your strength, and robbed you of your happiness. You held-on without insisting he get help!
Instead, you ran to your doctor to put a band-aid on it.
If you suffer from a plethora of physical maladies and social/mental-disorders; then you must learn to understand your illness(es) and follow recommended treatments and therapies. Then you have to dig deep inside to use all you've learned through life to help you bounce back. Medicine numbs the pain, the body heals itself. Your determination and faith heals the soul, and revives the spirit.
Here's the clincher. Doctors may not cure you! They can help you to function to the best of your ability. A good therapist or counselor should help you to determine what your strengths and weaknesses are. Where the damage is that you can't see.
Your grief after a major loss is normal, especially after a breakup. The anger is part of a range of emotions you'll experience on and off. It's like being on a roller-coaster. Your weakened-state of health may make recovery slower and more difficult. Therefore; finding the right mental-health professional to work alongside your general-practitioner is a good collaboration. Make that your goal. To mend the mind and body simultaneously, is probably what you really need. Then the rest is really your own will.
You have to be committed to getting better; and the fight has to come from within you. Your weakened-state as you have described it, may be that you waited too long to seek professional-help; and you rely too much on your medical doctor. You need to find mental-health specialists, who'll treat the psychological-symptoms that pervade your ability to function and have a healthy-lifestyle. Which is necessary to promote healthy relationships and friendships.
Find-out why it's hard to make friends, and you'll figure-out how that effects how you cope with grief, loss, and relationships of any type. Removing your husband from your life, was a powerful move. It means you've got the strength and now need to learn how to tap into it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 February 2015):
Dear OP,
I am very sure that anger is an important stage of grief, after a relationship of this constellation. I feel you haven't fully accepted the painful reality. And by being angry and stressed and restless, you keep yourself mentally and emotionally busy, you draw energy from the anger to go forward and in order not to completely melt down.
I've witnessed this with a friend whose wive left him. It took him over a year until he was at a point to drop the bitterness and anger, to just give in to the huge sadness that was hidden underneath.
One day, you'll have to dive into that pool of sadness that is underneath your rage, but maybe it's better, for now, to just be angry and busy. Wait until you're in a safe place in life, to take your time to mourn over your loss, to grieve over your situation, and to eventually heal from the past.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 It is a normal stage of grief. However, your wording of your association of him concerns me.. You mention "withdrawal", "addiction", and other things that suggest that maybe he wasn't the only mentally unhealthy one in the relationship.
You also need to speak to a doctor that doesn't just treat physical manifestations of your stress. It's not healthy to live life so defensively, putting up wall after wall after wall. You don't have close friends because you refuse to permit them in your life, which is a defensive move. You have to take risks when it comes to people, because they may care for you more than you think they do.
I would also guess from reading your posts that you are a raging perfectionist with a little bit of "obsessive" thrown in just to make your life and health all that much more tough. It's your mental stress (which is quite self-inflicted, though it may not have started that way) that is wreaking havoc on your physical body. You cannot live, never forgiving yourself.
Talk to your doctor and ask him to refer you to some places like Al-Anon (the one that deals with loved ones of addicts). You did the part of breaking up with the guy, but you're not over him, and I don't think you can do this on your own. A friend may not be what you need...a professional is. You're not alone out there. You may feel it because of your self-imposed exile, but there are a LOT of you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2015):
 HI hugs to you.
My husband is a newly sober (51 days today) alcoholic and what has saved both of us is his going to Alcoholics Anonymous and I go to Al-Anon.
The people in Al-anon are friends and family members of alcoholics or addicts. The user does not have to be trying to get sober or clean and you do not have to even be in a relationship with them any more.
Al-anon says we need to not isolate. One of the things we do is go to meetings.
I can promise you if you walk into an al-anon meeting you will be accepted and loved and supported.
In addition, you will be able to find literature that will help you figure out so many things.
feel free to PM if you want to talk about it.
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