A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes: I recently moved here from Scotland. I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high-school teacher in her early 30s. We had been talking for a good half-hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We’d even made plans to meet for coffee sometime. Then, things suddenly went downhill.I commented that she had a “really nice hourglass figure.” I thought she would be complimented, but instead she became deeply offended. She had a classic hourglass figure — large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips and legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning overweight or full-figured. I just thought it meant shapely. I have her e-mail address. Do you think I should send her an apology?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 January 2022):
 Agreed on all of your points, female anon. It's nice to encounter someone who remembers that study.
You're right that everyone's gaze lingers longer on the female form than the male one, and about the body as a whole, not just its parts.
My opinion, is that there is a difference between rude and predatory, and while women may engage in less of the latter, they certainly make up for it by engaging in the former.
I believe all of us should consider what we say before we say it (self included) and not assume that because we have good intentions, we can say whatever we like.
I think this OP was rude, not predatory, and I suspect for him it's a lesson learned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): I know this research quite well and whilst it talks about both men and wome lookkinc it is aimed to find out which gender is being looked at more ad objects . They found men were looked at more ad whole people whilst womens were looked at as a series of body parts
I think the most relevant point being that the gaze of people I yes of both male and female linger on women much longer than men !
One. Are the ones who are scrutinied for their looks and whilst yes women do so this at times it doesn’t come close to the harassment from men the porn and the sexualisation. Of womens bodies in the media and ad the aunt noted below the extended gaze that lands … on womens bodies
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 January 2022):
I don't see this is as a man/woman issue, and I'm not seeing any misogyny here. I think the OP was simply a bit forward in offering ANY kind of opinion. The lesson is, even if you think your opinion is a compliment, keep it to yourself until you know someone REALLY well. This basic courtesy applies to both men and women, young and old.It's been my experience and observation that women are just as bad, and often times worse, when it comes to remarking on someone else's appearance. Many of them assume that because they're women, and presumably not trying to get into anyone's pants, that it's ok for them to volunteer their opinions.I've seen men being badgered relentlessly to join the basketball team because they're tall, or the football team because they're big and strong. I've seen men being teased because of premature hair loss or because they're 'skinny' or have love handles, or because they're short. Years ago scientists conducted an experiment to compare how men and women observe men's and women's bodies. Using eye tracking technology, they found that women studied the female form the same way, their gaze lingering on the same body parts and for just as long, as the men did. And finally, women cannot have it both ways. If they're going to market themselves as sexual objects, they shouldn't be surprised when folks see them that way. Watch any music video, any social media feed. I cannot count the number of times I've heard 'celebrating her sexuality' as if it means something other than wearing skimpy clothing and assuming suggestive poses for selfies. I don't think the woman the OP was trying to chat up marketed herself as a sexual object. I wasn't there, and don't know how she was dressed. My comment was about some women in general.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): I mean WOW!!! What can I say? The ladies laid it out plain and simple for you! Especially the female anonymous reader. She put it all in a nutshell. You should now be sufficiently educated and well-informed from a woman's point of view. I've certainly learned something, and their responses are topnotch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): Women of all ages are so sick to death of being assessed in terms of their appearance. ONLY when you know a woman really well, and have valued her for her intelligence, personality, career ie. everything else, for a really long time should you then compliment her appearance and even then NOT from the perspective of how her appearance seems in terms of 'sexiness'. Women have put up with this from pre-pubescent years - it's sickening. As a child of 12 I remember feeling frightened to walk down a street where a group of young men were standing, and not understanding why I felt like that. We're not even allowed the same innocent space that young men have. This predatory approach and the male gaze is fixated on us. These days, thankfully, it's starting to slowly change - young women are petitioning to get street harassment made unlawful, breast feeding women are seeking laws to stop male teenagers from photographing them, men on worksites aren't allowed to harass women with wolf-whistles anymore. The point is, even if your 'compliment' was well intentioned, it is still connected to a whole raft load of male behaviour that we don't want; it sets a tone of entitlement ie. I am a man and therefore I am entitled to assess you according to how sexually attractive I think you are, whether you want to be assessed in that way or not. It's an entitlement that is becoming dated, and the sign of a man who clings to dated, everyday. misogyny, just because he thinks it's always been that way so that's the way he is allowed to be. Put yourself in our shoes and imagine what it feels like to get this kind of 'compliment' from childhood for the rest of your life, wherever you are and wherever you go. Then think about what it feels like to always be frightened to go out in the dark alone, and always to have to be ultra careful about how you get home after a night out, or even being unable to walk in a park or in nature alone in the daytime. Your kind of assessment of women is completely connected to the fear that so many women have ingrained into them, all their lives, it makes us feel like prey, when we simply want to be.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 January 2022):
 You meant it as a compliment but after only 30 minutes making that type of a remark to basically a stranger came across as getting way too personal way too soon. Send a short email with an apology but honestly dont expect much back. I am afraid your boldness may have really put her off you. Next time practise being more discreet in your observations. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 January 2022):
 I came to realize a long time ago that it is not necessarily what is said that matters but who says it. As a virtual stranger, who has only just had a short chat with this lady, commenting on her figure was definitely not classy.
Leave her alone, learn the lesson and move on. Next time keep your thoughts about a lady's figure to yourself until you get to know her a bit better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): No,"hourglass figure " is a compliment, or at least far from an insult...but it all depends. A perfect stranger, 30 minute into your conversation, ...and you were probably talking about nothing so personal and intimate like her body shape..and you come up with this kind of assessment, as if she were a good mare at the country fair- (facepalm) no, it is check and rude. Slightly better than "did they ever tell you that you've got some serious boobs on you ", but not much better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2022):
 Amen to Ciar.
YOU DO NOT comment on someone's body, mate! That is not a compliment. That will undoubtedly come across as an assessment of a piece of meat! And 30 minutes into a conversation you think you need to "compliment" her on her BODY shape? Seriously? This was a total stranger! Was the next thing you were going to try to talk her into going home with you for a nightcap?
If you are going to apologize DO NOT use this LAME excuse (the one you wrote in your post)and try and talk your way out of what you said, don't double down. You stepped on your dick, BIG time. Just let her know that you now understand it was a faux pas and that you apologize.
My guess is you messed up any chance to get to know her further.
Talk about foot in mouth! or foot in throat!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 January 2022):
It was very rude of you to offer any kind of unsolicited opinion about someone else's body. Even if you mean to be complimentary.She may have misunderstood your compliment as you suggest, but it's just as likely she was put off by how forward you were in offering any comment at all.If you're going to apologize, keep it simple and don't launch into lengthy explanations about your intentions. Just acknowledge that it was rude and leave it at that. If she responds, great. If not, lesson learned.
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