A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm really struggling with this girl I like. We've been on a few dates but because of how her last couple of boyfriends were with her she's got this impression that I'm the same and am gonna treat her like s*** basically. She's not said outright that she doesn't want to see me anymore but I get the impression that she is getting cold feet.We met a couple of months ago at a football match of all places and swapped numbers. She just seemed really down to Earth and cool at first. So easy to talk to. It took a while to convince her but she finally agreed to go out with me a few weeks ago and we've been on a few dates since. And they were really nice. I took her out for dinner on Monday night and had a really great time. We had a bit of a snog afterwards and walked home hand-in-hand. It just felt really right. I honestly felt on top of the world after walking her home and went home myself struggling to wipe the smile off my face.But everything changed yesterday. I messaged her asking if she wanted to go to a Gig with me in a few weeks and she wouldn't give me an answer at first. Then she said: 'I suppose you'll be expecting me to jump into bed with you afterwards if I do go with you', which really surprised me. I didn't understand where that came from. Then she went on a bit of a rant over the phone and said she completely regretted our kiss and that I'm only going to be like 'the rest of them'. I honestly didn't know what to say because I was so taken aback by it. She ended up just putting the phone down on me and now won't respond to my messages.In a way I can understand why she feels like she does. She's been cheated on in the past and she said in her last relationship her boyfriend was nice as pie to her face but then was secretly slagging her off to his mates and telling them they weren't in a serious relationship. He'd make jibes about her weight to them and even gave intimate details about their sex life. The final straw for her was when she got into an argument with one of his friends and her boyfriend wouldn't stand up for her, even though his friend was being absolutely vile to her. But her boyfriend just left her in tears and went off with his mate. Unsurprisingly she dumped him.A few months ago she started seeing another guy who she said strung her along for a few weeks just to get her into bed and then dumped her afterwards. After a few days of ignoring her after they slept together he literally messaged her basically saying he never said he wanted anything serious and it was just a bit of fun. I did feel really sorry for her when she told me. As much as I try and stand up for the male species there are too many out there who are just complete idiots. So it's no surprise she feels the way she does. But I'm not like that at all. I'm not into this 'lad culture' or seeing a girl like a piece of meat. I think it's disgusting, creepy and more than anything else just pathetically immature. But I don't know what I can do convince her I'm not like that. Of course I've made it clear I'm really attracted to her but I've put literally no pressure on her at all to have sex, or even suggested it. The word hadn't even come up until she mentioned it last night. The last thing I'd ever want to do is use her and then just disappear. Has anyone got any advice? I really want to make this work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): You're still under 25; so I guess you've got a lot to learn about human-nature and relationships. That my friend, will be a lifelong educational process.
The young-lady has been traumatized, and feels victimized by a few bad connections made with the wrong men. As a result, she has developed some serious trust issues. Yes, there are some really bad-guys out there; but you can't take the blame, or the punishment, for what they've done to her and other women. You don't have to subject yourself to sexist male-bashing either!
You stand on your own merit and character; and you should make that clear to any and all the ladies you date.
Listen carefully when they start reliving and telling you of the traumas of their previous relationships; and let that be a warning of what's to come.
If they haven't had time to recover, or get-over the last guy; you're going to be the guy who has to take all their punishment. That's also a red-flag warning that the young-lady has deep-seated psychological-injuries she needs more time to heal from; and a relationship with a person who is emotionally-injured isn't ready for anything too serious.
You can't run with a broken leg, and you can't fight in a boxing match with one of your arms in a cast. You have to heal first. Relationships have too many ups and downs, bumps, and challenges; to go-in already messed-up in the head. You're not her therapist, and not equipped to deal with her emotional problems. You want romance, not drama! I hate drama!!! You have a certified drama queen on your hands!
There is no time for romance when you're too busy nursing her emotional-wounds; and always on pins and needles, afraid you're going to trigger her into a melt-down. If she gives-up sex too soon to the wrong-guy, her beef is with that guy, not with you!!! She also has to own some responsibility for her taste in menfolk; and the kind of choices she makes.
You're taken by her; so you think you're going to rescue her, and prove to her that you're not like other guys. That's what you're going to be continuously trying to prove to her; but she's not hearing it. She is going to twist and manipulate you into some sappy wuss who is always bowing and scraping; hopelessly trying to appease her insecurities. Trust me, you'll get sick of it in a very short time.
Look at what you've already been through in just a few weeks! You've ended-up here at Dear Cupid! My guess is, you ain't seen nothing yet! She seems like a real pill!
She's going to keep you constantly tiptoeing on eggshells and always trying to prove you're not like her previous "bad-choices." Kowtowing like a sucker!
It was "she" who probably ignored red-flags and warnings. If she had a long series of bad experiences; that's usually an indication that she likes a certain "type." Thus, she'll get the same results from always choosing the same particular kind of guy.
FYI, some ladies just like drama; and they like living-out a reality-TV/soap opera life-style. They're always a damsel in distress; or always the innocent victims of rotten male-scumbags. The kind of female that always runs to tell their girlfriends how rotten her boyfriend treats her. If you ask them why won't they leave him? The excuse is always "because they love him!" Yet they'll stay, and constantly whine and complain.
Do you think it's always by some strange coincidence they're always running into guys like that? Sometimes it's the kind of men they like; or it might be where (or how) they like to meet them. They are attracted to bad-boys, players, and narcissists! Thinking they'll change them with love, or rescue them from being losers. They won't let-go of him, because he's so hot! Nevermind he's the spawn of the devil!
If you are going to continue dating her, you have to let her know you won't take responsibility for other guys; but only for what you've done wrong to her. You shouldn't have to spend all your time together reassuring her; and always under the spotlight, defending your character.
If she can't trust you, you can't trust her either. By the way, she's the type most likely to go running back to her ex. They usually find guys to make him jealous, or on the rebound; while they try to figure-out how to get him back. Meanwhile, you're going through the grinder trying to prove yourself; only to be dumped, while she runs back to the guy she claims treated her so badly!
Live and learn, young-man!
After she hang-up on you, that was your deal-breaker or warning. She needs more healing time, and this is what you'll be dealing with; until you finally have enough of it, and end-up dumping her anyway. Then she'll tag you as a no-good, only to take it out on the next guy!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 January 2022):
 If we don't heal our wounds, we bleed on those who did not cut us. This is exactly what she is doing to you. You are paying for what other guys have (allegedly - you only have her word for this) done to her. She is not over how she was treated so she really should not be dating.
This really is NOT your problem. If she can't get to grips with what has happened to her, she should not be dating. Next time, if someone does not agree to date you willingly, don't push it. There may be good reasons why they are refusing.
I would advise letting this one go. There are plenty of girls without the baggage this girl obviously has.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 January 2022):
 I agree with Honeypie, and will add...
You're not even formally dating this woman and you're already in 'Penance Mode', which is a bad place to start in any relationship, romantic, platonic or professional.
Also, once you start this way, it will be very difficult to change it. This woman's fragile sense of security would be built on what you hope is a temporary state. If you start trying to change part way through a relationship, she'll become suspicious. Why do you suddenly want time on your own? Why do you suddenly take longer to respond to her calls and texts? etc...
Plus, you would not be doing her or you any favours. By treating her as a victim who must be coddled and placated, you actually encourage her to continuing being the victim. Victims get special latitude and aren't held to the same standards as everyone else, and those perks are hard to give up.
It's not a matter of not pressuring her to have sex, you also shouldn't keep trying to convince her (or anyone) that you're a decent guy. That in itself is suspicious and it shows a lack of self respect on your part.
She is not ready to date by the sounds of it. She's not over the exes and she needs to learn to see the red flags much sooner than she has. Lashing out at innocent people isn't the answer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 January 2022):
 Also, OP
This isn't YOUR fault. YOU didn't blow it with her.
SHE just shouldn't be dating until she works on what she went through and how to recognize red flags and lousy dudes.
I just wanted you to know that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): Good for you for not belonging in the "lad culture " and not seeing women as pieces of meat, but ( unpopular opinion ) we are in 2022 ! ,damsels in distress should an extinguished species by now. We are responsible for our actions and our choices, including sexual choices. If this girl seeks a serious relationship(nothing wrong with that ) and abhors the idea of being ,erm,pumped-and-dumped ,well, she needs to make very sure she is not going to co-create the conditions for that.In other words she needs to be patient and wait for a serious relationship to devono *before* it becomes sexual, and make sure that she knows the guy well ,his mindset,his values, his family and social environment etc. Of course, this takes time, patience and self-control...and nobody does it, ok. But at least then do not kvetch that you have been "used ".It's buyer's beware.And how do you fit ,in all this, you will ask. Well, not too well, in the sense that the girl seems to be still quite immature and embittered , and prove to take out on you other people's mistakes, or, if you follow my reasoning, her own mistakes too. So basically I agree with the other poster...I'd give this girl a miss, she is just not ready .If nonetheless you want to give it a try, you could simply and shortly write her what you said to us - that you are not the same guy as her exes, and that obviously not all men are the same, but that for you to show her how different you are she would need to make a little leap of faith. But I would not count in convincing her, and , even worse, if you do convince her I am not sure it will be positive for you, she sound still too "green " and bitter to make a good partner...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2022):
You can't convince her of anything she doesn't want to hear.
I can understand that she has had some bad experiences in the past and probably doesn't TRUST herself to "pick" a decent guy after two losers. BUT taking it out on you is not fair, and it shows clearly that she hasn't really processed what went wrong with the previous "choices".
If I were you I'd send her a text saying you understand that she is mistrustful of guys, that you had really enjoyed getting to know her but that you will back off since she doesn't seem ready or willing to date you. That you can't show proof to her that you are not like the exes, and it's unfair to you to be compared, but you wish her well. Nothing further.
Then you let her go.
No matter how kind you are, how well you WANT to treat her, she WILL not believe you. For obvious reasons. Which means she will self-sabotage the relationship over and over. Like she already did before it even started.
Sorry, OP
She isn't in the right frame of mind to date anyone. And she doesn't know her own value either.
Good luck OP.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (7 January 2022):
Don't allow her to punish you for her past relationships. It's not your job to convince her you're a nice guy.
Don't waste your time. Find someone who is open and ready for a relationship with you.
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