A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I hurt my husband badly and I apologised for that, but his reaction makes me feel like withdrawing my apology. We have been married for a year. We dated for two years before marrying. It was a terrible time for me. During this time, I did the begging for the relationship whilst he enjoyed the being chased. Here are some of the things that happened.1. He NEVER, not even once asked to see me (I always initiated the dates)- in whole dating time!!!2. He NEVER visited me from my place at will. Its either I pick him up and drop him, or follow him to his place or never see him. This would be after pleading with him to say I miss him.3. He NEVER attended to my important events, such as funerals, weddings and sicknesses. He would always say he is busy.4. He always expected me to initiate sex, and sometimes would act disgusted to be physically intimate with me.5. He was verbally abusive; he would shout at me for no apparent reason and talk endlessly. (I used to be quite reserved and quiet).I complained several times but it fell on deaf ears. I couldn’t leave him cos I loved him dearly. I got frustrated, started drinking and on one of the nights out, I slept with this guy, a friend to my friend. It then became a habit, each time we go out, I would end up sleeping with him. I started to enjoy the sex as it was really good. I felt free to enjoy it to the full. My boyfriend never got to know about it cos he never got involved in my day to day life. It was me to schedule dates, so I would only see him when the other guy is not free. He also rarely called, so I would have a lot of time with the other guy without getting a call from him. My boyfriend eventually proposed to marry me. I immediately dropped the other man and informed him. (he knew i had someone, and that he was more like a ‘’side man’’.) I realised I was pregnant later, by the same man I was dating. I went ahead and married my man at 3 months pregnant. Now I have a baby, and couldn’t live live with the guilt, so I confessed, and told him what led me to that. He is a good man now. I understand his hurt, but his reaction sometimes makes me feel like I should withdraw my apology. He calls me all sorts of names, insults me and even beat me once. He is a sweet person, but can really be abusive when he sees that you are not shouting back. He only stops talking when he sees you cant take his abuse and fight back. So now, I don’t feel sorry anymore, and feel like ‘’I did well to fix you’’. I want to go past this bitterness, be genuinely sorry and build the relationship, but really failing to handle it. Went for counselling but we don’t seem to have made any progress.
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male
reader, Becker0109  +, writes (10 August 2012):
"He is a good man now. He calls me all sorts of names, insults me and even beat me once. He is a sweet person, but can really be abusive when he sees that you are not shouting back. He only stops talking when he sees you cant take his abuse and fight back."
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Here are YOUR words above. Look at them and tell me that he's a good man. A good man doesn't beat a woman!
A
female
reader, wendy2012 +, writes (9 August 2012):
wendy2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice. for the one year we got married, he treated me well, and all the complaints i had during dating were not there. he stopped shouting (i set the limits and told him off). things became bad when i told him about the news of the cheating and the baby. he said he still wanted us to work things out and make our marriage work, but he really gets sarcastic sometimes, insulting me, and i keep wondering if things will ever work..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I also cannot see how this relationship is working. You are saying he is a good man now, that you changed him but he doesn't sound changed at all! He fights you, shouts at you and has even beat you. This is not a relationship you must seriously be happy with. You found solace in another man before because your husband treated you so badly and gave you no attention. It cannot be a happy environment for you or your daughter.
As the first poster suggested I echo their advice of seeking a paternity test for your child if there is even 1% chance that the other man could be the father.
I would weigh up your relationship with this man, can you see a lifetime of happiness with someone who is so cold and, actually he could be described as abusive because the way he treats you is not with love. No matter how good the good times are, there is absolutely no excuse for how he treats you when times are hard.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 You say that 'I couldn't leave him cos I loved him dearly' - but from all that you wrote about him, and your relationship with him, I cannot understand what it was that you found to love about the man. And it doesn't sound to me that he loves you either. So I'm wondering why the two of you are together! Are you certain of the paternity of your child? Does this need to be checked, for all concerned?
I really do not see how this relationship can work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Let's see . . . physical abuse? Check. Cheating with the partner's friend? Check. Paternity fraud? Check. Lying to get married under false pretenses? Check. Okay, have I missed any other relationship-wrecking things going on?
Look, any one of these things is enough to make me think the relationship is probably doomed. One of them alone, never mind the whole combination. I don't see much chance of salvaging this in a healthy way.
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