A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18 and been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year. The problem is I have lost my desire to have sex with him or any overall need to be intimate. My boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity to each other a month ago and everything was fine it was something we both wanted to do and i don't regret it. We had sex a few times after that and everything was fine I couldn't keep my hands off him but recently I don't even want to make out with him. It's like little things seem to bother me when we getting intimate like that he's sloppy, controlling, rough and sometimes a little bit forceful. I'm not sure whether the problem lies with him not being able to turn me on or If im the problem because I've lost my sex drive and could be blaming it on petty little things. Any advise on how to get things back to the way they were or tips would be much appreciated.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 You are young and this is all new to both of you. Yes the things you have mentioned are worrisome as has been said. In fact I'm not going to disagree with any thing that has been posted.
I do have something to add. Intimacy is intimacy is intimacy. Intimacy needs trust. If you don't feel like being intimate it is likely because you don't trust him. Losing your virginity if you are a religious person could be part of your loss of trust. His forcefulness and control could be part of your loss of trust. His "sloppiness" (also not sure what this means in this case) could be part of your loss of trust.
As for rough and controlling there is a fair chance that he is getting some bad advice. Every couple has to work out what feels best to them. That should be between you two.
I'm going to give you some unpopular advice. Cut back on the intimacy until you have achieved the trust. I'd tell you to stop altogether but you probably won't. You have been coached to communicate, that will help you get back trust faster.
As for the roughness etc. there is a fair chance that he is getting some bad advice from his friends or from porn. Each couple needs to work out together what feels best to them. Remember trust first then intimacy.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): Thank u all for your advice. I guess I need to start voicing what I want and take control of this before it gets out of hand. Im planning on talking to him later. Thank you again
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Normally people don't lose their libido/sex drive over night, it usually takes a while, slowly builds up. However, if your BF is sloppy, controlling, rough and sometimes forceful. (as you put it) It OBVIOUSLY is a huge turn off for you.
You need to tell him that he needs to slow down when it comes to the roughness, that you are not enjoying it.
As for the controlling part, that is a hard nut to crack, people who are controlling rare stops that part, it's part of who they are. But again if you talk to him (without calling him controlling) but you need to stand up for yourself, in bed and out.
And I agree that maybe you need to re-think this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 August 2012):
 You've described the classic scene.... HE is getting his s*x from you.... so, NOW, he believes (as ALL MEN DO!) that he can stop being nice to you.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 August 2012):
 "Little" things? They sound like big problems to me. Do you feel able to talk with him?
"Babe, ouch that hurts, that doesn't turn me on, that's actually really distracting and I can't get into the mood if you do that."
"Babe, would you mind not doing _________, which feels really sloppy to me and detracts from the experience for me." (It would help if we knew how he was being 'sloppy.'"
Outside of bed, a discussion needs to happen. "Let's talk about our likes/dislikes, turn ons/turn offs so we can learn more about each other's lovemaking and improve our experience together." This means, of course, that you listen to his as well.
You seem to be feeling powerless in this intimacy. Is there some reason you can't express your concerns to him in a way that he will hear?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 August 2012):
 I cannot imagine anything less appealing than a guy who is sloppy, controlling, rough and sometimes forceful. That is a recipe for disaster and potentially an abusive relationship in the future.
You have probably suffered too much and too soon and so your libido has (very justifiably) just shut down.
And it is particularly unfortunate that your first sexual relationship (which ought to be very special, but sometimes is not) is with a guy is not sufficiently tender, well groomed, open, nonjudgemental and gentle with you.
And if this is his personality then (without some drastic chnage on his part) I really fear for you and for the future of this relationship.
Because it is not healthy to be in a long term relationship where a guy actually thinks it is OK to be controlling. He certainly should not be rough. And Forceful can lead to all sorts of problems.
Re-think if this guy is the best you can do and will be be the right man for you IF he sees no problems with his existing behaviour?
If he becomes more controlling then get out of the relationship before it becomes a Health issue for you
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