A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel very inadequate. My boyfriend is attracted to another girl. She's more intelligent than me, more beautiful (her face is better looking than mine), more physically fit, and more socially skilled. I don't know what to do about it. I'm definitely not as "good" as this girl, and I feel bad for my boyfriend. I think if she was interested in him, he would probably leave me for her, and I can understand why. If I met someone who was better than my boyfriend in everyway, and who was interested in me, I would be tempted to leave too. Do other people feel this way? Or do you believe that the person who you're with is the "best" in the world, although objectively, there's always someone better looknig, more intelligent, etc? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, PM +, writes (27 November 2010):
 The idea that there is always someone better and that you should "upgrade" when that better person comes along is one that I feel strongly about and have much to say about but I will do my best to keep my comments short.
The first thing is, a relationship is the coming together of two people and is based on who those two people are, not how they rate or rank or what they have. Who two people are boils down to things like values, beliefs and goals and whether those things are compatible. If a person is great-looking, very athletic, brilliant and has incredible social skills, that all means nothing (or should mean nothing) if you find out he never wants to have children and only wants to sleep with a lot of women - assuming that you're the type of girl who wants a family and wants to settle down.
The second thing is, you can't spend your life chasing the "best," you have to chase the "best for you." Treating your boyfriend like an iPod and constantly wanting a new one if you can afford it is a destructive way to live. Your boyfriend is not some "thing" that can be replaced and upgraded and neither are you. That's simply not a healthy view of a relationship partner and I've met a lot of people who've looked at relationships in that way and none of them are in a decent relationship.
The bottom line is that you need to focus on what's important which is how do you feel about each other, how do you treat each other and how similar are your values, beliefs and goals?
If you are attracted and are in like/love, that's wonderful. If you treat each other well and really enjoy the time that you spend together, that's even better. If you want the same things, value the same things and think the same things, then you've got the makings of a great relationship.
In the end, your relationship partner may not be the best person in the world, in terms of looks, smarts or career, but he or she should be the best fit in your life.
A
male
reader, Mr Clark  +, writes (26 November 2010):
There's more to attraction than just looks, intelligence, etc. It often depends on whether or not two personalities compliment each other.
For example, if one person has a strong tendancy to want to lead (e.g. pick the evening's activity), that person might have major conflicts if they get into a relationship with another person who also wants to lead.
On the other hand, a person who tends to not get out much and not take the lead might get bored if they were in a relationship with someone else who also doesn't get out much.
But, if the person who stays at home does so because he/she lacks initiative, this person might be happier with someone who wants to take the lead and go out.
There's nothing inherently better or worse about different personality types, but some fit better in a given relationship than others.
Attractiveness, intelligence, etc. will always play some role, but not everyone will put equal weight on these factors. There's only so much you can do about these types of things anyway, so I try to spend as little time as possible worrying about them, and focus on the things I do have control over. (easier said than done, of course)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I think that 99 percent of the population can say "There's always somebody better", and yet there are many happy couples out there. It is because you are not really considering all the potential partners when choosing one for yourself, but instead you meet someone you really like, and suddenly it doesn't matter that maybe there is somebody smarter out there. That smarter person doesn't have the mysterious "it" that attracted you to your partner.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (26 November 2010):
 My opinion is that most of the successful couples that I know are similar in the looks department - 10's date other 9's and 10's, 6's and 7's with 7's and 8's, someone who is close to you in the looks department, if you get my drift. It might seem shallow, but that's usually what I see when people choose a mate. I have met couples unequal in the looks department, but they tend to be the exception, not the rule. Occasionally, people can make up for what they lack in the looks department with exceptional intelligence, personality or money - but I still feel that there is something to be said for having the feeling that you are your partner's 'equal' when all is said and done.
HYPOTHETICALLY - It seems like far too much effort would be required to date Brad Pitt if you had to fend off Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie and you didn't look like either of them; and you'd worry EVEN if you got married just because you had this niggling feeling in the back of your mind that you weren't quite his equal. You'll probably know when you have met your match, simply because this won't be a worry for you and you will both bring out the 'best' in each other. If your bf doesn't make you feel that way, perhaps he's not being very chivalrous or attentive enough.
I feel like my husband is my 'best match', because I always compare other men to him and for me, he's my ideal man and he's still the guy who to this day still turns my head so that I can catch a glimpse of him!
Only you can decide who your ideal guy is!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 November 2010):
 I hate tearing someone down to build another up, but just to point out - her being more intelligent does not matter much, unless he's also way smarter than you are. Really, once a girl is smart enough to hold a decent conversation, female intelligence rapidly experiences diminishing returns (and becomes a hindrance once they get to the "I'm so smart he must feel threatend" level of arrogance). So that shouldn't work against you too badly.
Not much you can do about a better face, but you can become more physically fit - not to mention your boyfriend will enjoy seeing you put that effort in. Tyr growing your hair long, too.
Social skills can work against her if she has a bunch of male hangers-on. If she does, making him aware of that might help, unless he's an especially competetive kind of guy (in which case, this will backfire, and you should avoid it).
You have memories and experiences going for you, so that's one point in your favor. Additionally, you're a sure thing, she's a gamble, so that's another. Use inside jokes with him when she's around, and if you're already having sex, start having it more often and enthusiastically.
Temptation is never a sure thing, but if your boyfriend believes you would leave him for a better guy, he will feel significantly less guilt for doing the same to you. Try to change your own attitude. Lastly, confidence is sexy (so long as it does not escalate to bitchiness), while anxiety is not. Try not to let him see you sweat about this girl.
I'm certain plenty of people leave for the better option; seen it a million times (you can check the archives on this site to hear stories about it). Never done it myself, though - I've dumped girls before, when I decided the relationship was not giving me what I was looking for, but never for someone else. Some people don't do that, but even then, it's no assurance the relationship is permanent. Try your hardest, hope for the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I think you've already realised your own weakness.
If you're willing to leave your bf for someone else, no matter how wonderful this "other guy" might be, then you're not being fair to your bf.
So no wonder you're worried about this other girl who you think could run off with your bf.
The thing that makes the other person for you, isn't one thing, it's a collection of things that make them the best person in the world for you. No-one should ever have that mix strong enough to pull you, while you're with your loved one.
The day there is, is the day you should have left a long time before!
Just to me, you saying you'd be tempted to leave, I wish I could email your bf to finish you, and go after this so called better girl than you
To even think about a person you're dating in such a way is horrible, and if you believe you love that person, and still feel you might leave them for someone else one day, is pure evil!
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