A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:I’ve been seeing my partner 6 months. I’ve previously been in a business relationships which affected me and my daughter who is 16 so I am cautious. Until I met my partner I was happy with my kids on my own but on times would like company. Generally my partner has been kind over the past 6 months but I have noticed a few red flags- taking my cash point receipt when I forgot it snd refusing to give it to me - putting it in his pocket insisting he will put it in the bin later for me. Showing embarrassing photos of me to friends to who said I was pretty. Taking my car and using it without asking. Making underhanded jokes about me being controlling because I asked him to commit to a time for lunch so I could go out snd no wait all day for him. He also had photos of his ex as profile pictures on Facebook as he said she owed him money he tried not to rock the boat but he used to get texts from her in the middle of the night with memories on them. He also hasn’t gone home for the last 2 months despite me hinting and despite it meaning his two daughters sleep on my sofa. My daughter hasn’t taken to him she feels his niceness is an act. She said he doesn’t give her space to get to know him as he’s always here and she feels threatened by that after the past I’ve tried to explain this to my partner when my daughter hasn’t been that forthcoming in being over friendly. My daughter was annoyed with him also as I paid him to remove a pond in my my garden snd he never finished it. After he replaced a fence post for me I didn’t pay him as I paid him before but he kept asking how much I’d been quoted to get it done. My daughter thinks he shouldn’t be paid. Two weeks ago him snd I went out for lunch and he said he was thinking of renting his house out. I said no I wasn’t ready for that nor were my kids and his kids don’t even have bedrooms. He back tracked snd said I meant in the future but I don’t think he did. We went on holiday to London last week. His two girls snd my three children. I don’t get much time with my daughter as she spends half the week at her dads works and attends college. So I said to my partner I wanted to go with my daughter in the big departments store to look for a special key ring she wanted to buy. He chose to go look in technology with the rest of the kids. His daughter came with my daughter and I. We had a lovely hour. When we got back he wouldn’t speak to me all evening wouldnt hold my hand. He shouted at his daughter to shut up when she asked if he was ok. He gave excuses later such as the kids were bored etc but eventually made comments that suggested resentment snd he lousy of my daughter (I was following her like a goose and wf should have stayed as a family unit). He also made comments about other days when my daughter doing things meant less time for him. I felt furious bearing in mind I see his girls who I love four days a week. When we got back he apologised to my daughter who became even more closed to him. She said she thinks he pretends to be nice but underneath is horrible. He now hardly makes any effort with her and avoids her. He had agreed to stay at his a couple of nights but has made it awkward now asking permission to come upstairs at mine etc. When we got back from Holiday the first night we spent alone the sex was u usually rough aggressive dominant and I didn’t like it. I felt he was angry with me. I just don’t know whether this is worth pursuing anymore as he showed me a side I don’t like
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): In all honesty, you should be changing your locks so this man cannot gain access to your home and consider reporting him to the police. Coercive control is an offence, he is manipulating you into even having to ask for time with your daughter and when you get just an hour he spends far longer than that sulking and leaving you all treading on eggshells around him.
Read back your question to yourself but imagine that your daughter has written it and wants your advice. What would you advise her to do with a man like this? Personally, I'd be saying run for the hills.
Please do consider talking to the police, because I would be very wary that a man like that will not disappear quietly and the more information they have about him then the quicker and more thorough they can help should you need them too. There is a law, called Claires Law, and you can go to the police with the details of a new partner (or even the new partner of a relative or I believe even friend) and if you submit a request they can run background checks and see if the person has previous crimes that might make them a danger to you, your children or to your friend or their children (e.g.convicted of previous domestic violence). This is something to consider.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): Rarely have I ever read a post here which describes any man the way you have described this DESPICABLE human being. WOW. Just WOW.
YOU obviously know he is a piece of shit or you would not be here writing for advice. You don't really need our advice to know what YOU already KNOW and what your DAUGHTER already KNOWS!
You have only wasted 6 months. Do not waste 6 years.
Some guys take advantage of women who love them and trust them and pretend not to see the red flags. They are expert abusers, users, manipulators and gaslighters. That is what this guy is. But you have more power than you know. You can stop this stops right now and move on. And never, ever look back. Sweetheart, you and your family deserve so much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): Run for the hills! Get this guy out your house and life. Doesnt sound like a good guy at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): Dump him immediately. It’s my only advice.
Controlling, insecure and possibly narcissistic.
You should be in honeymoon glowing period, but this sounds far from that.
Get rid, pronto.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 September 2021):
 They say that love is blind, when in a relationship sometimes we can't see this things that are actually going on.
I think that your daughter has got his card marked. There are just too many red flags here with this guy. Of course he was kind early on in the relationship, but your now seeing his true colours come out, and its still only been 6 months.
From the red flags that you have encountered i would be inclined to wish him well and end the relationship with him. Then block him and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2021): If you need to make a decision whether to keep him; I think all you have to do is read your own posts back to yourself a couple of times. The more you review it, the more you'll realize.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2021): You might as well have " use me, abuse me, lie to me, insult me" written on your forehead. Your daughter has far more sense than you. Wake up. As a mother you should be protecting her, she should not - at the tender age of sixteen, have to deal with all of this and try to take care of a grown woman who gave birth to her. She did not ask to be born and did not ask to be in this situation, that was your idea, and a very stupid idea at that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2021): I find it hard to believe you can run a successful business when you seem to be clueless about so much about people and life and making wise decisions. And seeing someone for six months does not mean it's a relationship, it might mean you were just texting, or online or chatting or meeting up a few times. It's only a relationship when both of you say you care a lot about the other and want a real future together. And agree on this. And are exclusive and happy as a pair. Seems to me that you want to turn a turd into a gem. Because you cannot get a gem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2021): The most telling part of all this is you had an "hour " alone time with your daughter and he admitted he had a problem with it and then had rough dominant sex after and you know this?
I think something in your past makes you think you need to put up with this kind of abuse and he is a classic abuser, he is trying in the early stages to separate you from your loved ones.
You very much need to get rid of this loose, your daughter can clearly see what's going on here, have the strength to leave him sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, katherine2081 +, writes (4 September 2021):
katherine2081 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for answering. It’s not my daughter that sleep on the couch she has her bedroom. He has two daughters and they sleep on the couch at my house (despite me saying it’s not the best for them) at my house. He has his own house that he talked about renting out I said no.
Thank you for your views they are helping
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2021): Thanks God that you are "cautious" with new men in your life- immagine if you weren't! Yes red flags eveywhere and no it is not worth the hassle.What kind of a bum drags his young daughters to squat in someone else's living room after just few months of dating ? Is he paying anything toward rent while he is sort of camping at yours ? .I have got this feeling he is not- regardless the episodes you describe hint strongly that you are being used for his convenience. Your 16 y.o.daughter has a better man-radar than you do .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 September 2021):
 You know this guy is all wrong and is trying (and being successful on occasions) to USE you for money and your car.
Your daughter is sleeping on the couch? Why? Does she not have a room?
Also, your daughter seems to READ this guy a million times better than you. YOU need to protect yourself AND your daughter. Because this guy is NO good. "She said she thinks he pretends to be nice but underneath is horrible." YES, a million times yes!! She knows. YOU know too but you are ignoring it because you are not good at saying NO and setting boundaries. When you can't do those people like him will walk ALL over you.
GET rid of him.
If you live in a house share (sounds like it) with him downstairs? Then you SERIOUSLY need to find another place. If I misread that part - just END it.
CHANGE your locks. DO NOT give him a key.
GET away from him. END IT.
This is NOT going to get better. AT all.
YOU, as a mom, need to PROTECT your daughter and yourself.
I understand that having someone (as a single person) is really nice, but YOU as a mom (regardless of your daughter's age) need to be EXTRA picky when choosing a partner.
There are more red flags than a communist party convention here. Not all his. YOU show red flags too. Yours, however, are not hurting him, but your daughter and yourself, HIS are hurting EVERYONE but him.
You know what you need to do. STAY safe.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 September 2021):
 Sorry, but I have to say, your daughter seems to be a better judge of character than her mother. That may actually be a little harsh, because I think, deep down, you do realize he is not a good or nice man; for whatever reason, you are just reluctant to admit it and get rid of him.
You've only been seeing each other for 6 months and already he has moved himself and his daughters into your house without your invitation or even permission. If he has not been back to his house for 2 months, he has moved in with you. Let's not beat about the bush on this. I hope he is at least contributing financially to the bills and you are not feeding him and his daughters?
You KNOW he does intend renting out HIS house. If you don't put a stop to him squatting in yours, he will have the excuse that he has nowhere to go because his house is rented out. Get him out before this happens, or it will be so much harder to get rid of him.
People are usually on their BEST behaviour early on in a relationship. If this is his best, imagine what his worst will be like. You and your children deserve better. I think you already know that. Why are you settling for this excuse for a man?
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