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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is more of a theoretical question! Which of the following is worse:1. Being in a relationship with a man who makes you happy and you know you would have a happy life together BUT always wondering about what could have been with someone else (this someone else being the "ideal man")2. Ending the relationship with the lovely man and hurting him very badly, but taking a chance with the "ideal man" when you have a good chance that it wont work out with him?So really is is being happy and stable but living with regrets VS taking a massive risk on someone and hurting a person you care about very much. I just can get my head around whether it is worse to live with regrets or take a massive risk when you have a feeling the outcome of that will be negative. Any thoughts would be most appreciated! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 To ask this kind of a question belies dissatisfaction in some aspect of your relationship. If you seek guidance from the participants in this forum it is unlikely that you are ready to accept this guidance because you are dithering like Hamlet.
So what if people judge you? If the opinions of strangers matter to you then you have deeper problems than being torn between two guys. I'd say you have issues with self-respect and that is a problem no romantic relationship will ever help you resolve. You probably have some romantic notion of finding the guy who "completes" you. Honey, as long as your self-respect is deficient you will be a slave to this false ideal. Once you have self-respect this ideal guy who fills in all the perceived gaps in your life turns into people with whom you choose to share your life journey.
Until you develop a healthy self-respect you will continue to use guys and relationships in general to fill in gaps, leaving emotional wreckage in your wake.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 What's worse? Number one. You have too much wonder about another guy. There can ALWAYS be another guy, no matter how old you are. You might be 60 and someone who is "better" matched to you could come along. What happens is that you commit to the person you have chosen, fully and completely, you make that decision. No matter if hair starts growing out his ears and he starts snoring, or he gets a few wrinkles and doesn't want to stay out all night any more. You know that what you have cannot be replaced and you wouldn't want to. You make a grown up decision.
You're just not actually ready to commit on the level of permanency. That's okay, you're young still, you have time.
Let's look at it from lovely guy's perspective. I'm sure he'd rather have someone who couldn't imagine life without him, than having someone who will always wonder.
You can have 'what if' moments for the rest of your life. What if I had gone to this school instead of that school? What if I had not turned left on that street the day I had a car accident? What if I had bought the tan sandals instead of the white ones?
At some point, I think people who reach what I would call maturity recognize that what they have is the right thing for them. They don't live forever in wonder of the next house, or car, or job, or partner.
I know 20-somethings who are perfectly mature and on their life paths with no qualms. I know 50-somethings who still agonize and worry and wonder and wish they were somewhere else, with someone else and with different friends.
If I were you, I'd start doing some introspective work--meditation, yoga, counseling, talk therapy with friends, silent retreats, outward-bound type experiences, whatever it is that makes you examine your internal life and your internal self.
I'd argue you aren't actually happy if you are living with regrets. I'd argue you are living contently, but not actually happily.
Good luck with your decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): One suggestion I have is to try and imagine yourself in both scenarios. So lets say you choose to stay with your current partner and keep things as they are. Try and look down that path. How would you be feeling? Do you think you would be happy? Dissatisfied? Resentful? Relieved? If you truly think you would always be wondering "what if?...", how would you deal with that? Do you think you could cope with it? Would it be terrible? Or do you think you would eventually be able to forget about it and move on, and be happy with your partner?
As for the other option, of taking a chance on this other man...pretend you have made the decision. How do you feel? Excited? Afraid? Do you have a "bad" feeling about it? Or a good feeling? Do you feel that, regardless of the outcome, you have made the right choice? What if it DID all go wrong? What then? Would you be okay with that? Would you be filled with pain and regret for what you gave up? Or would you feel at peace because you believe you followed your heart and did what you felt was right?
Again, I know I am not giving you an answer here, but I think that only YOU can make that final decision. And I apologise for all the questions, I suppose I just find that asking myself these things helps me when I am faced with difficult decisions.
It is a difficult situation you are in, and I feel for you. I know you must be feeling torn, and worried about hurting your partner. I am just speaking for myself here, but my words to you would be: take the time you need to decide what decision you are going to make. Do what feels right for you. And then be brave and do it. Whether that means ending things with your partner and taking a chance with the other guy, or staying with your partner and trying to focus on that relationship. It is YOUR choice, your life, no one else's. Only you can really know and decide what is best for you. Nobody can know how things will turn out, we can only go with the information we have in our lives right now and make the best decisions we can based on that. And whatever choice you make, don't give yourself a hard time about it, no matter how it works out or how you feel about it after. We are all human and doing the best we can. x
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Ok,fair enough, let's stick to your original question about the " what if ".
IMO, everybody sooner or later find themselves with a few "what if " on their hands. You can live a happy ,fulfilled life even with a few "what if ".
You maybe have not noticed yet because you are in your early 20s, -just live 20 or 30 or 40 years more and see if the "what if " do not multiply .
" What if I had had more children, or no children- what if I had opened a bed and breakfast in Ibiza rather than becoming a judge , or a surgeon - what if I had lived in a different town, or married a different person, or invested my money differently " Everybody has got "what ifs " which is different from having regrets. You have regrets only when you let down yourself by not doing what you KNOW was right for you.
Life is all about making choices. You choose the best that you can, according your heart AND your brain, and then stick to your choice. It's that simple, after all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): To q1605,I totally agree with you. It's not that we are trying to be harsh, but why the hell would anyone even be thinking along those lines even in a theorectical sense? I am not buying it one bit...there are too many people out here who toy around with the emotional of others and then once they break that person's heart, the only thing they can say is "Sorry" and go on they're merry little way. If you are being treated great by a guy, why the hell would you be sitting around thinking up questions such as these? In my opinion, no one who emotionally mature would do such a thing why? Because,they appreciate the person they are with and couldnt' imagine themeselves with anybody else. I have been in love and have loved....and I know how people act and think when they are under the influence of pure love...they most certainly aren't thinking up questions such as these and if I were her boyfriend and I came across this question, I would probably leave her in a heart beat. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was thinking in that negative manner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Whether or not you acted on it is not the issue here...why would you even ask that sort of question to being with if you have this great man in your life as we speak? Why would you even THINK about such a thing? Do you not know that THOUGHTS are what lead to ACTIONS? If I had a great man like the one you have, I wouldn't even entertain the thought...theorectically speaking or not. Your words and thoughts have POWER. Don't even allow your mind to go in that direction. If you have a great man, then focus on thoughts on HIM and all the great things he does for you, not on some fantasy ideal man or theoretical questions. Never, ever question true love because, it is what it is. Moreover, I am thinking more about the good guy you are with rather than you because, if you do decide to leave him, he is going to be crushed beyond belief....I know because, I have exp. that before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionZayla80, I think you are really not reading my question and follow ups properly! My original question did say what is worse, and part of my issue is "hurting my current partner". So of course it is a massive deal to me to hurt him, I really do not want that at all and it thoroughly upsets me at the idea of hurting him. I absoultely dont want to ruin his life - I dont want anyone to get hurt in all of this, hence why I am in this mess! If I were so selfish as you made out, then I would have already walked away with no regards for my partner and would be chasing the "ideal" man.
But I am well aware that there is a good chance that it would never work with the "ideal" man, hence why I have always said I am pretty sure due to his emotional unavialability and his current situation that it would not work between us. And not once have I said there is anything wrong with my current partner - I have always maintained what a wonderful man he is. So please read my posts properly before you comment with such things, there is no point if you just want to come on here and criticise people without even taking the time to read the question properly.
So again, I realise there is a good chance that I wont be happier with this other man, and that my current guy is great - but as I have always said, I know for sure I will always wonder "what if" about the other man, therefore is it better to live a happy life but always wonder "what if" or to take a massive risk and hurt a lovely guy?
To the most recent anonymous poster - yes I agree, I do wonder what if the "ideal" guy would not make me happy and that I would end up missing my current partner, that is part of the "huge risk" I talk about - do you leave something wonderful for the potential for something to be great, or do you forget all about the silly fantasy and leave it as a "what if" or "what could have been". I dont long to sleep with him, as much as there is an intense connection there with the "ideal" guy whenever we are even close by each other, I still dont think about him in terms of just wanting sex. It is far more than that!
I think this post might be losing track a little, hence why the initial question I left as "theoretical" because I knew as soon as I allowed a real life story to come into it the judgement would appear and answers would be more about criticising me rather than actually looking at a situation impartially.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): can i ask people, and the OP...
what about regretting leaving the good guy for this "ideal" guy, then later having the "ideal" guy turn out to be not as good as the guy you had previously..
you long to find out what its like to sleep with other people, as do i, but at the same time, like you i know i have a great partner whom i love and treats me as well as i treat them, what is to say that you wont regret leaving them?
its a choice of the devil you do know and the devil you dont, no matter how much you say you know them, no one will unless they have spend a greatly significant amount of time with them for more than a year - they say you never truely know someone untill you have spent a year with them constantly and lived with them after!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): It's not that something is wrong with your current partner....you are using that as an excuse to somehow validate you leaving the relationship in search of some fantasy guy whom will no doubtly break your heart in the end and then when that happens, you will want to run back to your current boyfriend, but by that time hopefully he would have moved on with his life and not take you back. People like you don't mind ruining the lives of others to please themselves. If I am coming off as harsh..then so be it. You don't need pity, you need someone who is going to tell you the truth. God forbids someone breaks your heart.....you are going to be one miserable and lonely person. Do your current boyfriend a "favor" and leave him.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 July 2010):
A mixed bag of responses ? :) It did not look so mixed to me - only Samantha X told you " follow your heart " , all the other Aunts told you ,with different words, more or less the same thing : Mr. Ideal belongs to fantasy . And you don't even know him enough to know if he is really that ideal after all.
Your comment makes me think that,all in all, you have already decided in favour of being
adventurous ( or reckless according the points of view ) and in favour of pursuing Mr. Ideal. Even if you don't know it yet :)
I also think I know what the problem might be with the current Mr. Right. You say you've never been massively attracted to him , even if sex is very good. That's a bad sign. The Wow ! factor is missing. Sex can be good with a partner because he is caring and experienced, because you are comfortable with each other, because practice makes perfect... for many reasons. But , I think that a woman in love ( especially at your age ) must see her partner as massively attractive ( and it does not matter if he is actually Woody Allen's twin ). One should have that Wow! sensation, that "I can't believe I could catch this prize " thing. - If , at your age, one starts with "well, I am just moderately attracted to my bf but I know that he is a good friend and a good person"-.... perhaps the enthusiasm is a tad too lukewarm.
If this is the case, I agree with Caring Guy- be generous and let him go, he deserves a girl who will see him through different eyes.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 July 2010):
He still isn't the ideal guy though. I do blame Disney for this :). You know, there was even an experiment done recently that proves that romantic films actually ruin expectations of relationships. This ideal man has come into your life, and seems so perfect. Except, there are problems here.
1 - He had those girlfriends, and no matter how great they were, they ended up dumped. What does that say about this guy? Either he is a guy who has commitment problems, or he is a guy who has unrealistic expectations of women. Both of those are bad for you.
2 - You don't know him well enough to be sure he's ideal. Oh yes, from a distance, he seems like Mr Ideal. When you speak to him, he's Mr Ideal. When he makes you laugh, he's Mr Ideal. But when he gets home, he's a regular guy. He'll get angry, he'll annoy you at times, communication will break down, and then Mr Ideal will suddenly be Mr Regular. And your dream will be broken.
From what you've written in your last post, I'm going to tell you to do something different now. And I really hope you'll put your own feelings aside and do what's right here.
You claim your current boyfriends is a great guy, who gives you great sex, with whom you have great friends, who treats you well. You say that you're lucky, and that any woman would be lucky to have him. Now if you mean that, really mean it, and if you care about him, you'll now end it with him and let him find the woman who will feel luckiest. I say that, because the truth is as long as this guy lives, he will never be your number 1. That means he won't know what it's like to be the most important person in someone's life. And that's not fair to a guy who is that good. He deserves a woman who will see him as THE BEST GUY. Not second best. He will never be your Mr Ideal. And for the rest of your life, you'll never see him as the number 1. So, if he's that good, and if you are a person who believes in true love and kindness, then you will let him go and find his true love.
Then, you'll be single and you'll have time to think about what you want to do about Mr 'Idea'. At least if you're single, you can make a decision about Mr Ideal. Maybe it will work out. Maybe this will give you the chance to get to know him and see him for what he is. Maybe you'll see he's not perfect, or maybe it will turn out he is.
But let 'Mr Second Best' go. He has the right to find a woman who will consider him 'Mr Ideal'. And you never will, so be kind and let him go, then you can work out what you want to do about Mr Ideal. Let your boyfriend go and find his Princess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell this is why this situation is so hard for me, I realised soon after I turned 20 that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and the chances of meeting a guy who was everything I had dreamed of were pretty slim so I realised I should stop living life like it was a fairytale waiting for this Mr Right and actually just be happy, I used to think love should be like it is in the movies but I grew out of that and realised if you could have a relationship where you are happy and comfortable with each other then you dont really need anything else.
So with the current man - that is what I found. He is wonderful and we make each other very happy. So I thought "this is it" - I was so excited I thought I had found the man to spend the rest of my life with. Yes I have never been massively attracted to him physically but the sex is fantastic, and we have a great relationship. I never even looked at another man, the thought never even crossed my mind about the possiblity of there being someone else, I thought I had found the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
So this is why "ideal man" has surprised me so much - I thought he didnt exist! I was never even looking, and I was pretty certain there was no-one out there better than my current partner. So I dont think it was boredom with my current guy, or "the grass is greener" so to speak because I know just how great he is and any woman would be incredibly lucky to have him. But I guess it is like this fairytale, dream man that I had conjured up from a young age - the ideal I had written off as being silly and childish, has come into my life unexpectedly and now I am not sure how to handle the situation.
We are all told to stop looking for "love" I think and stop thinking of love like it is in the films, and search for a love that is more realistic, one that provides happiness, comfort, security and stability. And I know how lucky I am to have found a man who will provide all that plus we have great sex and we are great friends. And I never expected there to be any other option, this has really taken me by surprise.
Just to clarify another point - no-one is married or has any kids, "ideal man" is single and my partner and I are still together but no children, engagements or anything like that. Nothing has happened with "ideal man" either, I am trying to keep my distance because I dont want to do anything to hurt either guy but it is hard because he is in the same industry as me so we see each other fairly frequently at work related events.
But thanks for all the input, there has been a mixed bag of responses so still not sure on what to do! Hopefully all will become clear to me soon....
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reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (23 July 2010):
 The thought of situation 2 becoming reality is repulsive to me. Okay, he's your ideal man, I respect and salute that, however, euthamisms aside, situation two means you are leaving a good man because you've seen something new and more appealing. To me, this just means that the man who "makes you happy" is being discarded because you've decided it's not enough tobring happiness in your life. Matter of fact i'm curious, what makes an ideal man if not someone who makes you happy and leads a got life with you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): No mentally and emotionally stable person would even think about leaving a decent woman or man for some "ideal" individual. Moreover, you should know during the dating process whether or not that person meets your expectations...it doesn't take years to find that out in my opinion...that is...if you are paying attention and not being carried away by fantasies and love. It's ok to love a person, but you also have to be logical about the situation as well. Most times, people know what they are doing, but they do it anyways whether it is right or wrong. Men and women are guilty of this---they are only thinking of themselves and they're feelings and what they want. The heart lies you know and what you think is greener on the other side always turns out to be FALSE as the the devil is good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): What mentally stable person would leave or pass over a decent man or woman for someone that you know isn't worth the ground you walk on? It sounds like this person may have a thing for the bad guy or girl. If you are even thinking about passing over a decent person, you DONT' DESERVE THEM TO BEGIN WITH. I know I would never, ever intentionally, get involved with a person who thinks this way because, as a person THINKS SO IS HE!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 July 2010):
What you explained does not contraddict what I mean.
The ideal man might have all the qualities, attributes and values you look for and you appreciate- but he does not live in a void, he has a job, a career, a family, a religion, a circle of friends, etc.etc.etc....that may be less than ideal for you and your happiness.
If he is the ideal man, but the situation in which you should live your relationship is far from your ideal situation, - then he can't be the ideal man, except on paper.
Take this guy. You say very probably he would move far away. Supposing you were together ,what would you do ?
LDR ? Not the ideal, at least for many people. Would you follow him ? Would you leave your career, your family, your friends ?.. Not the ideal ( unless you are sick of your current life and badly need a change ).
I think that ,ultimately, the ideal is what works for us in the here and now.
You add ,very perceptively, that probably this guy is a lot like you in his yearning for an indefinite "something " in their relationship , that remains elusive. It makes sense that if you are a person who ,deep down, is emotionally unavailable - you'll be attracted to other emotionally unavailable people . That
gives you the excuse for not settling down- because probably , in your heart's heart, settling down is not what you really want.
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reader, ruby buttons +, writes (22 July 2010):
 the grass isnt always greener on the other side, but that said do you have that spark with the guy that you are with do you have a good sex life do you laugh like youve never laughed before?
this ideal guy do you have all this with him?
is there any other people involved in this scenario do you have kids does the ideal guy have a gf?
at the end of the day never live with regrets live life to the full.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify - the ideal man title was only for the purpose of this question. It is indeed a real situation I am in, and he is not perfect I am well aware of that. Nor is he a "bad boy", he is just as lovely as the other guy in question.
The reason I dont believe it will work is mostly because of his situation, his career is very much up in the air at the moment and I know he wont think about relationships until he has his career sorted, and there is a good chance it will also mean him moving quite a long distance away.
Also he is very complicated, he has had a couple of ex's and by his own admission he has said they were great, he was with them for 4 years each and all of a sudden he just decided they werent quite right for him. Now that is all fair enough but it concerns me that he will do this with every woman he meets, he is 31 and I know he wants a family and to settle down but I get a feeling he may just be one of those people (actually maybe a lot like me!) who is looking for that "something" in a relationship and never finds it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I never realized there was such a thing as the ideal man. I don`t think you will ever feel satisfied with this "lovely man",if you was you would be thinking like that. Basically,the "lovely man" should also be with a "lovely woman". Someone who loves him without "regret" Let him go,he deserves far more than this. You are better taking a chance an if it doesnt work out,take it on the chin an just find another very similar. You obviously enjoy the excitement of risk. Let go of the "lovely man",or karma will get you!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): What if the "ideal" man is ideal for a little over a year, but then becomes abusive and obsessive? You can't take chances with things. What if there's a man more ideal than the "ideal" man? And maybe, somewhere out there, a man that is even MORE perfect and so-called "ideal" than the first, second and third? If you have something great now, why take chances to ruin it? The man you would've hurt may find his "ideal" woman and you would live to regret it. That's my opinion on this matter. Good luck! :)
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 July 2010):
If it won't work with your so called 'ideal' man, then he's not the ideal man. I'm hoping you're not looking at ditching a good guy for the bad boy, or Mr 'Exciting'. Because you should read the endless posts on here about women and their bad boys. The ideal man is the one you can be with and he won't hurt you, or let you down. He is not the one with whom things will not work out.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 July 2010):
If there actually is a good chance that it won't work out with him...then he is not the "ideal man "!
The ideal man is not the hottest or the most exciting- he is the man with whom you can be happy every day of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I think this is a tricky one. But overall, I would say that it would probably be worse to stay with someone and live a life of regrets and "what if's?..." If you don't follow your heart and dreams because of someone else, then I think that can lead the way for resentment to build up, which could ultimately destroy the relationship anyway.
I'm not trying to say that it is a good idea to just jump into something though. I don't know if your question is a real scenario, or a situation you are in. But going on the basis of this scenario being real, I would first suggest thinking long and hard about the choices available to you. Part of me thinks that if you are with a lovely man but are having doubts, and thoughts of what could be with someone else, then your heart is not truly with that person anyway. If you were truly happy, you would not have these thoughts that there might be somebody better for you.
But on the other hand, sometimes these types of thoughts can come from wishful thinking. We can hold onto this dream of finding the "ideal" partner, the perfect mate, but in reality nobody is perfect. No relationship is perfect either. So I think there is a danger of giving up everything for a fairytale idea, which can lead to disappointment.
But if this is not the case here, then my next question would be to think about why you want to give things a try with someone else when you are pretty certain it wouldn't work out? Sometimes this can be born of low self-esteem, of feeling that you don't deserve any better. And in what way could it be negative? If it is because the other person is not very nice or is abusive, then I would say to really think about why you would want to get involved with that, and be very careful.
If that doesn't apply though, then it could be that you truly wish to try, and hold no attachment to the outcome. If that is the case, then I think regardless of the overall outcome, it would not be a negative experience, because you would undoubtedly learn from the experience anyway.
Sorry if I am not really answering your question! I am not sure if there is a clear-cut answer, but these are just my thoughts I am sharing with you. Like I said though, on the whole I think if you have a yearning to take a chance with someone else and you think you will not be able to rest unless you do, then it might be best to go for it and give it a try. For me personally, I would rather do that than live with regrets and thoughts of "what if?..." I hope this helps. x
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